While You Were Away
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, nor do I own 'Keeping Mum' or Song of Solomon. I did, however, write the poem. That is mine.
a/n: I'm still working on my other story of dogs and death, but my computer crashed--w/ all of those files saved to it. so, while i'm in the process of recovering that, i'm borrowing a computer from a friend and this story came to me. hope it's ok. reviews are not only welcome, they're encouraged. ;o)
"What's this?"
They were standing just outside his office, she'd had a quick question for him and before she knew it he'd thrust it into her arms.
It was pretty obvious it was an expanding file folder that was bursting at the seams—full of God-knows-what… That's the 'what' she was after in particular.
He glanced at his shoes—a sign of slight embarrassment—and his ears grew a shade darker.
"Uh, it's for you. While you were away I still had to talk to you. That's more or less what this is. Everything that I wanted to say to you but couldn't because you weren't here. " He paused and swallowed hard.
"You, uh, don't have to read it if you don't want to. I just wanted you to have it."
She grasped it to her chest. "No, I want it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say I'm sorry enough. I know it was hard for you. It nearly killed me to be away from you for so long—I'd really like to read this for perspective. You know, give me some insight as to how you were affected…"
Stealing a kiss that held the promise of something much more they parted and each went their own way, going about their respective duties until they could meet again.
When she found herself alone, Sara peeked into the folder. She didn't intend to read it until she was truly alone, but wanted to get some kind of grasp of what it was she would be reading. Page after page was filled with his familiar scrawl. She smiled at the fact that he'd handwritten all of it. It was endearing. From the looks of things it was like a journal. Entries weren't dated or anything, but it appeared to be comprised of dialogue, poems, random thoughts. Their lengths varied and were separated by a line drawn after each one finished.
She shut the folder before she found herself knee deep in papers—as she knew she wouldn't be able to stop reading once she'd started. It would be best if she waited until she got home. Besides, her evidence was ready.
You said you'd miss me with every beat of your heart.
I don't think mine has beat once since you've been gone.
Come back to me, my love, again and I will be a better man.
I'm lost without you darling. I'm drowning in the air.
I'd die a hundred million times to wake and have you here.
I long to see your features, I ache to touch your face,
But if yearning's not enough this time I will rely on grace.
I want to kiss you, touch you, hold you, make all of your demons flee.
If there's one thing I know, my love, it's that without you I'm not really me.
And even as I long, my darling, make haste to return to me
And quicken the beat of my heart once again when our two souls shall finally meet.
And then, then only will my own heart find the peace it needs.
Some of what he'd written made her cry. Some of it made her smile, or laugh.
All of it made her wish she'd been able to be there for him.
He'd written about everything and nothing; apparently just wanting to share life with her. One entry in particular remained in her mind. The shortest she'd come across after pages and pages.
I miss you.
That was all it said. How many times she'd thought that. Cried it until she could produce no more tears. This one made her cry.
My darling Sara, I was watching a movie called Keeping Mum last night. At one point one main character mentions to another that The Song of Solomon, a book of the Bible, is about sex. I read it. It is beautiful. Following are some of my favorite parts that I wanted to recite to you. I did, knowing you wouldn't hear, maybe someday I'll have the change to do it in person.
1:9-10 "I liken you, my darling, to a mare
harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh.
Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings,
your neck with strings of jewels
2:2 Like a lily among thorns
is my darling among the maidens.
4:1-11 1 How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
descending from Mount Gilead.
2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn,
coming up from the washing.
Each has its twin;
not one of them is alone.
3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon;
your mouth is lovely.
Your temples behind your veil
are like the halves of a pomegranate.
4 Your neck is like the tower of David,
built with elegance [a ;
on it hang a thousand shields,
all of them shields of warriors.
5 Your two breasts are like two fawns,
like twin fawns of a gazelle
that browse among the lilies.
6 Until the day breaks
and the shadows flee,
I will go to the mountain of myrrh
and to the hill of incense.
7 All beautiful you are, my darling;
there is no flaw in you.
8 Come with me from Lebanon, my bride,
come with me from Lebanon.
Descend from the crest of Amana,
from the top of Senir, the summit of Hermon,
from the lions' dens
and the mountain haunts of the leopards.
9 You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
10 How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much more pleasing is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!
11 Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
milk and honey are under your tongue.
The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon.
7:1-9 1 How beautiful your sandaled feet,
O prince's daughter!
Your graceful legs are like jewels,
the work of a craftsman's hands.
2 Your navel is a rounded goblet
that never lacks blended wine.
Your waist is a mound of wheat
encircled by lilies.
3 Your breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle.
4 Your neck is like an ivory tower.
Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon
by the gate of Bath Rabbim.
Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon
looking toward Damascus.
5 Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.
Your hair is like royal tapestry;
the king is held captive by its tresses.
6 How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
O love, with your delights!
7 Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
8 I said, "I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit."
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
9 and your mouth like the best wine."
That Solomon was a very wise man.
I ate a whole box of Ding-dongs today.
I know you wouldn't approve-and you know that I'm not usually a sweets person—but I was missing you and saw them in the store and it just seemed like the thing to do.
Don't worry…I'm already paying the price.
I miss you caring about what I eat.
I feel like a little boy today. Like I did when my father died. Like my world has been stripped away and I'm left.
Alone.
In the dark.
It's not the darkness that terrifies me though.
It's the fear of being alone.
The warm copperiness fills my mouth. I can taste it before I feel the pain.
I bit my tongue. Hard.
I was thinking again. Terrible thing sometimes, thinking.
I'll try to stop now.
I feel like I'm falling.
I've been falling for a while now.
Downward spiral doesn't begin to describe it. I'm ever so much worse than the tired phrase 'lost without you'. There isn't yet a word to describe what I am. Zombie? Maybe?
I had some really good peanut butter today.
I mean—REALLY. Good.
It was this organic stuff that Catherine gave me. I think she feels sorry for me.
I think I'll only buy organic peanut butter from now on.
He couldn't find her after shift. He'd looked everywhere in the lab, and called her cell a few times. She hadn't picked up, so he figured she'd wanted to be alone.
He found her sprawled out on the bed with a few of his pages clutched in her hand. It looked as if she'd been reading for a while.
Gently removing the papers from her grasp, he gathered the rest and returned them to the folder. He tugged the comforter down and eased her into bed.
Stripping down to his boxers he slid in behind her and smiled as she scooted back into his embrace.
He kissed the top of her head and settled himself.
As his eyes slipped closed he heard her whisper, "Never again."
fin