Who I Am Hates Who I've Been, a teen titans fanfic

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

Disclaimer:As much as I'd like to, I (sadly) don't own the Teen Titans, and I don't own the lyrics to the Relient K song "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been."

Author's Note: You read it right in the summary. This is, I repeat, this is a Rob/Terra fic. It's mild, but it's still there. Don't be immature and flame me on the pairing. Please. I hate having to bitch about this, but nobody ever likes getting a review like "Terra sux!11 I h8 her! She should die and so should u 4 writing this! Rob/Insert-name-here forever!" If you've got criticism that I can actually use, that's fine. Umm, otherwise, yeah, this is a pretty new concept for me. I don't usually write songfics but I heard this song, and it just screamed Terra, I thought. She wasn't my favorite character or anything, but I liked her okay, and I've recently been toying with the idea of her relationship with a certain masked kid, so I decided to go for it and write this. It sort of explains itself in the fic, but just to clarify, this is sometime in the future after the Titans find a way to resurrect Terra. That's about it. Please read and review! Thanks. ;)

On with the story...

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

I'm standing on the roof of the tower, watching the sunrise in the distance. The sky is streaked with red and gold and the water is sparkling underneath. It's so pretty that I almost have to turn away. My eyes aren't accustomed to such splendor. They see hate and despair and betrayal. Not beauty.

Never beauty…

Memories of my past rise along with the sun, but I fight to force them back down. Images of Slade and a boy and utter heartbreak are darkened as soon as light is shed on them. These are the things I wish I could have left behind along with my stone encasing, but it's impossible to leave your past behind. Believe me; I've tried to do it enough times.

It doesn't work. It never does.

The sun continues to rise, and I continue to keep my mind carefully blank. It's not as good as forgetting, but it's the best I can do. The sound of the other Titans waking and moving around below provides a welcome distraction. I note that they usually wake up around eight, so that means I've been out here for at least three hours. Three hours spent waging a war against the girl I used to be.

I still feel her sometimes. She whispers little nothings about power and control and destruction. She likes those kinds of ideas. How easy, she says, how easy it would be to defeat them all over again. You've done it once, and you can do it again.

I push her away, just like I've been doing all morning, and my eyes and ears strain for something that might provide as another distraction. It comes in the form of my name.

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

"Terra! Terra!"

The other Titans are calling for me. I can hear their faint voices downstairs, mainly Beast Boy and Cyborg, roaming the halls and searching for their teammate. I don't answer back. They probably want me to play some video game or something, but I'm not in the mood. I'm never in the mood anymore.

I'm not the cute, fun Terra they used to know.

I'm not the lying, evil Terra either.

I'm lost, plain and simple. So, so lost. I look back at who I was, and my heart breaks every single time all over again. I hate the girl that stares back at me in the mirror. Her eyes are dead, and it's easy to see straight past them into the torment raging inside her.

Scoff at me all you like. Say I'm too young to know what the word torment means. You don't know. Nobody knows.

"My name is Terra. I have done horrible things."

The words fall from my lips unbidden, flat in their delivery. I've said them before. The first time, I had been high off the thrill of defeating the Titans. Of course, it wasn't real, but I had thought it was. I had believed I had killed them, and I had been so pleased, so proud of myself. I had been so sick. So, so…

Shit. I think I really am going to be sick.

I spy one of those large, industrial type dumpsters and am thankful the Titans decided to deck out their roof so nicely. I dash over, and in a matter of seconds I'm clearing out a stomach that had been empty to begin with. I have to stand on my tiptoes just to till my head over the large, metal trashcan, and it's a miserable business. All I want to do is double-over and fall to my knees, but I have to be strong even while I'm puking my guts out. I deserve this, I guess.

It's so hard…

Just when I think I can't take it anymore, and maybe I will just fall and clean up the mess later, a strong pair of hands grab hold of my waist and lift me up, allowing me to purge the rest of the contents out of my stomach without struggle. It's a relief for the moment, but inside I'm upset. I didn't want any of the others to find me, not when I'm like this.

I can feel the sickness tossing my stomach coming to an end, but at this point I'm almost desperate to keep coughing up more, just to avoid confrontation with whoever is holding me up. I don't feel like facing concern or questions or anything from anybody.

This is no place to try and live my life.

I was stupid to think I could hide up here. With five other nosy, determined superheroes in the house, it was inevitable that somebody would find me. I should have thought ahead and realized just how obvious it would be to check up here. I should have left this place altogether if I really wanted to be alone.

This glass tower is big, but there are only so many places you can hide.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

Eventually, I've heaved just about all my body can take, and I place my hands on the edge of the dumpster, breathing hard. I close my eyes and will myself to calm down. Deep breaths in, deep breaths out. Slowly, now. Clear your head. It takes a few minutes, but I'm finally ready. Luckily, the person holding me is patient. I tap on one of the hands that are keeping me suspended in the air.

"Let me down," I request.

The person complies. As soon as I'm back on solid ground, I wipe my mouth on the back of my sleeve and brush my sweaty blonde locks out of my face. "Got any bubblegum?" I ask. I'm aware that I'm stalling for time. I don't feel like talking just yet. A gloved hand passes me a piece over my shoulder, and something clicks in my memory, but I don't pay attention to it. "Thanks," I say as I pop the piece in my mouth and flick the wrapper in the dumpster.

"You okay?" the person asks hesitantly.

My eyes fly wide open. I recognize the voice just fine, but it's not who I suspected, even after seeing the gloves. I whirl around. He's obviously surprised by my sudden action, but he covers it well. I fight to keep my cool, just like he is. "Yeah, I'm all right."

Robin eyes me skeptically. "You sure?" He takes a step towards me, and I take a quick step back in return. He wrinkles his nose in confusion at my odd behavior.

I wave him off. "Positive."

"Then why…" he gestures to the dumpster, and I get his meaning immediately. Why did I throw up?

"Must have been Star's pudding from last night," I say. I try a bright smile but have a feeling I failed miserably. I used to be better at the whole lying thing. Way better. I guess it should be a good sign that I'm having trouble now, but it's bad timing.

Amazingly, Robin begins to nod in understanding, and my hopes fly, but he isn't known as one of the world's greatest detectives for nothing. It only takes him seconds to blast my lie and my hopes apart. "You didn't eat Star's pudding last night," he says suspiciously. "In fact, you didn't eat anything last night."

"Um," I say, shifting my weight from heel to heel. It doesn't take a genius to sense my discomfort. I wish he would take the hint and leave. Either he's thick as a board, or he just wants to torture me. Neither is reassuring considering he's the leader of our little band of freaks.

He's looking at me with an odd expression on his face, and I realize that I was wrong. He pities me. That's why he's still here. Normally, this would make me bristle with righteous indignation and demand that he leave my sight right away, but right now I'm just confused. Why on earth would he pity me? It's not like I…

No, I'm not going there. Maybe, it really is best if he left now. I open my mouth to say so, but he cuts me off before I can.

"Terra…" Robin says. He reaches out and rests a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. It's meant to be soothing, but it fails to make its mark with me. I shrug him off and take a few more steps away. I'm backed up against the trashcan, and somewhere inside I cringe at how desperate I must look.

"Leave, now," I spit out the words. They're harsh and cold. Robin doesn't deserve that, but I need him to go. I'm so close to cracking right now. I don't want him to see that.

But maybe he will anyway. "No," he says, firm and resolute. I can literally feel my face falling. If only he wasn't so Robin. He lifts his hand again, but I shake my head furiously, my blonde hair whipping across my shoulders. "Please," I say. My voice is close to hysterical. "Please, just don't. Don't."

His eyes widen behind the mask. He understands. I don't know how, but he does.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I babble on anyway. Nervous reflex, maybe?

"You can't because…because…I don't deserve…" Oh, God, I'm not making any sense at all, even to my own ears. The words are coming out wrong, and this is the worst apology ever, but when I look up at him, he doesn't seem to care. He seems to be more than capable of taking my fractured sentences and fixing them into something that actually has meaning. I trail off, more in amazement in light of this new development than the lack of anything to say. He doesn't say anything either.

I do wonder if he has forgiven me. Like I said in my own splintered way, I don't deserve it, but I crave it all the same. I really am so, so sorry for what I did. I betrayed him and them and everybody without any regret. I can't explain why I did what I did anymore or who I used to be. All I can do now is hate the person I was and beg for forgiveness as many times as I need to to show that I really mean it.

Really, it's a simple enough concept, but I seem to have a special talent for messing everything up, and this is no exception. Don't get me wrong; I have so many things to apologize for that it's not hard coming up with something to say. The trouble is gathering the strength to say it. I told the Titans a generic apology the day they resurrected me, of course, and given the sacrifice I had made in the last hours of my previous life, I was pretty well-received, but since then…

I just feel like I need to do more.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I see Raven in the halls, and I want to tell her that I didn't mean the awful things I had said to her that horrible day of my betrayal. "Come on, Raven. What stings the most? That I tricked you? That I nearly wiped out your team? That everyone liked me better than you?" Of course her friends love her, more than they'll ever love me even. She knows that, but if anyone needs to make sure, it should be me. I'm the only reason she may have doubts anyway.

I see Beast Boy playing on the Gamestation, and I want to tell him that I didn't mean to break his heart. I really did have feelings for him back then, strong feelings. He meant something to me, even if I tried to pretend he didn't. I was a witch for throwing his friendship, and possibly more, away like I did. The look on his face when I stood over him while he hung for dear life on that gouge is permanently imprinted in my mind. What did I tell him? Something cold and derisive…"Hope you're not expecting a goodbye kiss." I was so angry at him then, for something that wasn't even his fault. I had tried make him promise to be my friend no matter what earlier, but he hadn't followed through. But who could blame him? I was selling his secrets to his worst enemy and plotting against him. He didn't deserve that.

Nobody did.

I break out of my trance to see Robin still standing in front of me. I have so many things I'd like to tell him as well. The words form easily enough in my mind. Speaking them, however, is another story. It's been that way for a while now. I'm tongue-tied, which is so not old Terra-style, and no matter how hard I try I can't spit out the words that build up inside me.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

I meet him straight in the eye now, and I see that maybe he can hear me anyway. Out of all the Titans, he was the one I had the most trouble battling against back when I was a monster. He understood me then, just like he does now. He knew what it felt like to be under Slade's controlling hand. He told me so. I don't know the full story behind it, but somehow he had been an apprentice once too. I used to tell myself that he didn't think I was good enough to make it easier to hate him. The truth was he saw inside me so well that he just knew I could be more.

He knew more about me than I did.

"Robin, I…" My voice rings out so suddenly in the thick silence that I surprise even myself. It's almost unrecognizable, the way I sound now. Raw is the only way to describe it.

Robin speaks up, interrupting my struggle to force out words that aren't coming, and I'm thankful. "You don't have to say it," he says seriously, "but I think you'd like to."

I freeze. It alarms me that he gets me so well.

"I try, but…"

Damn it, why won't they come? Just two easy words. I'm sorry. In my perfect world, I'd be able to string a few sentences together afterwards as well, but you take what you can get. Why is it so hard for me to say something so simple?

"Don't worry about it," Robin says brusquely. He's disappointed; I can tell. Who says this understanding thing can't go both ways?

"No!" I cry and reach out to grab his wrist before he can turn away from me. An eyebrow shoots up on his face in surprise. I've shied away from so many of his attempts to touch me, and now here I am initiating it. He searches my eyes for further explanation. I look away, uneasy with such scrutiny. A stray thread on my clothes catches my sight, and I start to fiddle with it uncomfortably.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

And suddenly, I can almost feel the light flipping on in my heard. Everything clicks into place. I know why it's so hard to give voice to all the apologies swirling in the maelstrom of my mind. I feel like berating myself for not figuring it all out before.

Apologizing to my teammates is reliving all the stuff from my past that I wish I could leave behind. My heart shatters when I even think about what I used to be, so actually talking about it…what will that do to me? Saying it all out loud makes it more real somehow; it's actively confronting all the terrible things I did. I don't know if I can handle that, and it would be in front of the other Titans no less. I definitely don't want to show that kind of weakness. I don't want them to see how broken I am.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Robin waits patiently while I work all this out in my mind, and I have to marvel at him. He puts up with so much within these walls of Titans Tower, and you just have to respect him. He's the authority figure for five other kids his age. It's not right that he has so much to put up with at such a young age.

It's not right that I just add to his troubles without as much as a decent apology.

"I want to say it so bad," I tell him. This time, when his masked eyes meet mine, I don't look away. "I want to tell you…everyone…but I can't do that, Robin. I try, but it's hard, maybe even too hard. I'm not a strong person anymore." I take a deep breath. It's shaky, but it gives me enough to go on. "I'm so screwed up," I say in a near whisper, "You don't even wanna know how bad. I need help. I need you to save me."

Robin studies me carefully. I feel vaguely self-conscious. A jittery feeling I don't recognize flutters in my stomach. The silence stretches out forever until Robin breaks it with words he's told me before.

"You can only save yourself, Terra."

Oh, the irony. Last time, he said those words I scoffed at him. "I'm not some sad little girl who's waiting to be rescued," I had said. Now, I'm practically begging for him to save me. But he won't. He's refused me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt.

"I can't." The bitter admission spills from my mouth before I can censor it. I want to grab it back, or at least take away some of the resentment that had accompanied it, but it's too late. I've perfectly captured the essence of a small, helpless child.

He says nothing, and I finally turn away in shame. My shoulders shake uncontrollably, and I'm forced to hold myself in a makeshift hug to keep from losing it completely. I expect him to scorn me and walk right back down the staircase, but he doesn't, and I realize I should have known better. This is Robin, after all. He's better than that, even if he doesn't have to be. Instead, he takes a few steps toward me. Gently, he takes hold of my shoulders and turns me back around to face him. He pulls me into an unexpected hug, and this time, he holds me firm enough to ensure that I can't escape.

At first, I feel like I can't breathe, and I start to panic. My heart beats against my chest wildly, and the skin where he is in contact with me screams. He holds me through all of that, however, and eventually I relax the best I can into his arms. I'm still sort of stiff, and the jittery feeling from earlier returns, but it's a nice hug anyway. For once, I don't feel like I'm about to fall apart. He's strong, strong enough to keep me together even if he does refuse to save me. It's enough, for now.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

"I think you can," he whispers in my ear. I shiver involuntarily.

"It's not easy," I finally whisper back.

His grip on me loosens as he pulls back to stare me in the eye. "No. It's not," he says bluntly.

I grasp the fabric of the cape that falls on his shoulders tightly. My knuckles are white. I close my eyes as my past assaults me once more. A video plays in my mind. I'm flicking a boulder at him. It's just a little too far to the right and misses, but the shock of the impact makes him lose his balance. I've got a second rock under my control before he can even get up, and this one lands just short of him. Once again, he's knocked flat on his back. I'm playing with him. I enjoy this game. He's struggling to gather his strength again, but he's too slow. I'm standing over him now, and I raise my hands above my head.

"And now I never want to see your face again."

My hands drop, and a third boulder crashes down. It's the last one I'll need because this time I don't miss. Game over. As far as I'm concerned, Robin's dead and I've won. I'm happy about it.

A sob tears from my throat, and I'm brought back to reality. Robin's arms are wrapped tightly around me once more, and I'm clutching onto him like I still believe that he can save me. Our foreheads are touching, and one of his hands rests on the back of my head. "I'm sorry, Robin," I cry. "I'm so, so sorry."

"I know, Terra," he says. He runs his other hand up and down my back reassuringly.

But this isn't good enough.

"I'm sorry," I say again. Tears run freely down my face, but that can't be helped. "You took a chance on me and let me on your team, and I let you down. I betrayed your trust and screwed everything up just like I always do." He opens his mouth to say something, but I shake my head slightly. The unspoken message is there: don't interrupt.

"I'm sorry for trying to kill you and your team. I'm sorry for giving Slade the secrets you trusted me with. I'm sorry for…" There are so many sorries spilling out of my mouth now, and I'm powerless to stop them. They just keep coming and coming. I'm amazed, really. At the same time, I'm upset that I have so many things to say sorry for as well.

Just as I start to think that I might go on saying sorry forever, I'm silenced by Robin's finger on my lips.

"You're forgiven, Terra."

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won't take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

My eyes widen into saucers, and I stumble back from him. I had been longing to hear those words for a while now, and for the most part, I was unbelievably happy to hear them. Another part of me, however, couldn't let go of how wrong they felt. "But…but I don't deserve it," I stuttered. "I don't deserve anything. I didn't even deserve to be saved, especially by you."

This time, Robin's whole hand covers my mouth.

"You do," he says, "you deserved to be saved, and now you deserve to be forgiven. You made up for what you did, Terra. You sacrificed everything for us."

"After I nearly destroyed everything," I mumble as soon as his hand falls away from my lips. Robin's words may be true, I may have sacrificed everything, but I still can see the sting of betrayal in his eyes. That's the type of mark that never completely fades.

"Terra," Robin sighs, "I don't know what to tell you."

"Just don't say anything, okay?" I request. "I kinda just need this right now."

"What?" Robin asks. He doesn't even realize what he's doing for me just by being here.

"This," I say, gesturing between him and me. "You and me, us, right here."

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

The statement wasn't meant to carry any heavier meaning, but as soon as the words fall from my lips I'm pierced with a sharp stab of sudden regret. It's unexpected, out of nowhere, really. I'm thrust back into the past and see myself falling for Beast Boy, and with a jolt I realize it should have been Robin. He could have led me away from the darkness reaching for me, already claiming me for its own even as I laughed and joked with the rest of the Titans. Beast Boy wasn't strong enough for something like that.

I gasp and my vision refocuses on the boy in front of me.

"Terra?" he says. He's concerned.

I avoid his gaze. "It's nothing," I whisper. I don't know what to say. I mean, I can't just go and blurt out that I finally figured out why I kept getting that funny feeling in my stomach and why I let him touch me and hold me even if my first instinct was to throw a large rock to his head. I can't tell him how everything that's been building since I was rescued manifested itself as attraction for him, and it just hit me blindsided.

"Are you sure?" he asks sharply, and his tone surprises me so much that I can't help but look back at him. It's useless, however. That damn mask hides everything.

"Of course I am," I say carefully.

"Oh…" he seems disappointed. Maybe it's just my imagination.

"Why?" I ask.

He takes a deep breath. Then another. "I just thought that…never mind."

"What, Robin?" I insist.

He studies me warily. He seems to find what he's looking for as he opens his mouth to speak again. "I just thought that maybe you felt it too." His tone is bold for such a risky statement.

I won't lie. I've done enough of that to last a lifetime.

"I did."

Robin's expression is inscrutable, completely closed. I'm desperate to some kind of reaction to the confession I just made, and the next thing I know, my lips are on his. After the initial moment of surprise, he begins to respond, but I pull back so fast he doesn't have much of a chance. I could have believed I imagined it if I wasn't so short of breath. We stay silent for a while, just staring at each other, but I have to break it.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. You don't want to get involved with me, Robin. It's not worth it." I'm so ashamed right now. I honestly don't know what possessed me to do something so stupid. I don't just surprise myself—I horrify myself.

His masked eyes are steady on mine. "You need to stop hating yourself so much, Terra," he says calmly in return.

"I was a horrible person. There's nothing to like about me."

"I can name a few things," Robin said. He does not say what they are, however, and I don't press him for details. "Besides, you're not the same girl anymore."

"Maybe not," I admit.

He nods, satisfied with my answer. "You're going to be okay."

I offer a smile. He might be right.

It's obvious this encounter is coming to an end. We're carefully avoiding discussing what just happened between us, but right now that's fine with me. I've dealt with enough drama this morning, and I'm not eager to add more to the list. Besides I, well, both of us actually, need more time to think about this. In our situation, it would be unwise just to jump into something, all factors considering. This should definitely wait.

Robin clears his throat. Our time on the rooftop has been stretched out long enough. "You want to go play Mega Monkeys? Beast Boy was looking for you earlier."

"I'll be down soon," I promise. "I have a few things I want to say to everybody."

"I can call a group meeting," he suggests.

I shake my head. "No, thanks. This is more of a one-on-one thing."

Robin immediately comprehends. He smiles, encouraging. "Okay." He starts towards the staircase, but I need to make sure of one last thing.

"And maybe," I say. He turns and waits expectantly. I blush and continue, "Maybe we should talk again later too. Just you and me."

"Just you and me," He repeats. "Yeah, I think we should too."

"It's a date, then," I confirm without thinking. My face is burning with embarrassment now. "I mean, not a date but…"

"I get it, Terra," Robin says with a smile. He waves one last time before disappearing down the stairs.

I smile back even if he can't see me. It's nice that somebody understands me so well.

I look back out at the horizon again. I'm much more at peace than I was this morning though I have just as much, if not more, to think about now. Robin helped me more than he could ever know. Everything he just did for me—listen to me, hold me, and most of all, forgive me—means so much to me. He showed me that I actually am wanted around here, and it is possible that I could have left that other Terra behind already. I can actually see that I'm worth something now, though I'm unclear as to how much. But it's a start. And hey, at this rate, who knows?

Maybe someday I'll even be able to forgive myself.

Notes and References…

1. I'm just starting to get into them, but Relient K seems pretty good. And I really thought their song fit in with the story, but hey, I don't mind being disagreed with. Tell me what you think.

2. In case you didn't get it (I know not everybody watches the Terra arc in Teen Titans as much as I do ;)), all the flashbacks she got were taken from the episode Aftershock pt. 1. This includes the "everybody likes me better than you nyah" spiel to Raven, the goodbye kiss line to Beast Boy, and the little spell she had about Robin and the boulders. All the quotes from the past are in italics and are not actually spoken aloud in the story. They're just in her memory.

3. I said the Titans gaming system was called a Gamestation. Please tell me this is right. I've been trying to figure out what they call that thing forever.