"It's ok,"
Hands through unruly hair, caressing softly
"It'll be alright," It didn't matter. Hold him close. "It's ok."
"Stop saying that."
The hand's movements stopped, a confused, tense expression laying itself over the taller boy's face. He suddenly felt very stupid, holding Zero this close. Hector. His Hector. Except he wasn't. Friends forever, right? Forever is such a very long time when you want to be more.
"Just stop it, ok? I already know it'll be fine. Because---"
Zero cut himself off, his face, unseen to Stanley, tensing up as he sighed, an agitated outburst. They drew away from each other, as though almost….embarrassed. Zero looked away, his face still slightly stained from tears that had long lost their meaning.
"Just…because, ok?"
He left the room, Stanley left confused on the couch.
Left. Left. Left
Left all alone.
X Ray's birthday. At the Frosty Freeze.
'What do you think is up there?' 'Probably a Frosty Freeze. Come on.' 'Good. Cuz I could use a hot fudge sundae'
Really, it would have been quite a disappointment if there really had been a Frosty Freeze at the top of God's thumb. It was completely 80's and had a poor stuttering light bulb that was probably nearly at the end of its life. Zig Zag sat himself down, completing the company at the big reserved table, which didn't include Squid anymore. Nobody spoke about him much anyway, but only because they didn't actually know what had happened. X Ray just wouldn't speak when they got onto that subject.
By the look of the waitress they'd spoken to a few days before, there had never been reservations there before. And they could see why.
"Ziggy! Man!"
"We thought you weren't gonna turn up for a minute there." Semi hugs and ecstatic greeting were passed around, even though it couldn't have been more than 4 months since they saw each other, all together, last.
Hector had looked up as the various members of D tent turned up, but didn't say much. He just picked at the hot fudge sundae he'd been waiting for since climbing God's Thumb, concentrating fiercely on it, or at least on something to do with it. For the first time, Barf Bag had turned up. He had been busy the last year or so, apparently, but he had managed to turn up for this one. He sat himself beside Hector, and put an arm round his shoulder, and the boy shifted a bit, uncomfortably. Stanley managed to wipe the glare off his face. He wished he'd just stop holding Hector like that and snuck glances at him, but there was no flicker of enjoyment passing over Hector's face, and only once or twice did he look up.
Suddenly, Hector dropped his spoon, but it was a gesture lost to the others, who were engaged in a conversation about one counsellor they'd all been landed with once or twice ("Man, he didn't even know he was lame!" "Dude, I know! What the fuck?"). He looked up across the table at Stanley.
"Can I talk to you outside?" Stanley nodded silently, looking worriedly at his friend. His heart beat picked up as he followed him into the bathroom leaned against the wall. Hector sat on the ledge with the sinks set into them and stared at his feet before taking a breath and saying what he'd pulled Stanley out to hear.
"Stanley…I just found out. I'm gay," Stanley blinked and there was a pause. Hector kept his gaze fixed stubbornly on his feet.
"Man, Hector…this is a bit random for an ice cream parlour. You sure?"
"Yeah," He sighed, but it was a good sigh and he looked generally relieved.
"It's cool, Hector. I don't mind," The younger teen looked up at Stanley and grinned, properly. Stanley knew he felt better. They returned to the table feeling a lot better than when they had left it, which is quite a strange thing to say after confessions about sexuality.
"Dude, whatup? Group bathroom sessions?" Stanley smiled at the dig; nothing could spoil his mood now. Hector looked genuinely happy and so then was he.
"See, Barf Bag? He'll bite your head off if you go for his bird again." Zig Zag said, smirking and fixing Barf Bag with his unnerving stare. The comment was followed by a shocked and swallowed silence. He looked around, puzzled. Then he said, laughing a little, "What! I thought everybody knew?"
"Dude. Not cool." X Ray said very quietly. Stanley felt his face colouring. Stupid Zig Zag! Couldn't he see they weren't a couple! He thought angrily, but stared embarrassed at his ice cream, not daring to look up at Hector, to see his reaction. The rest of the day went a lot more quietly and soon enough, Hector left and the rest of D tent left one by one. X Ray and Stanley were the last to leave. At the door, D Tent's leader put his hand on Stanley's shoulder.
"Don't let Ziggy get you down," Stanley nodded. X ray cuffed him lightly in the shoulder, grinned and then sauntered off down the street, waving over his shoulder.
"….cries to the mooo-oo-oon….." Stanley sighed, hardly having the gall the finish the song. Fingers made circles on his bedclothes. He whispered the last few words. "If only, if only…."
"My angel, my only," a stubborn little voice said from the bedroom doorway, in unison with the older boy's lines. Stanley's heart jumped, trying to pretend Zero had said those words because he meant them, not because he was finishing the song. He quickly pulled himself into a sitting position, to face his friend.
"Hey buddy. You ok?"
Zero nodded forcefully, his lips pressed together, his frowning face hardly softening. He swanned into the room and collapsed on his friend's bed, sighing softly. Leaning over him, Stanley prodded him and smiled.
"Come on. Just spit it. What's up?"
The smaller boy had no choice but to turn away from Stanley. "It's nothing."
Where had it gone wrong? He was happy here, right? Hector had his mother back, had his best friend, had a good house and he was going to school now. Everything looked peachy creamy from Stanley's POV. Maybe it wouldn't be like that from his POV if Hector would just talk. ;;
"Hector…you think that's gonna fly with me?" the caveman murmured, sympathetically. He rolled himself behind Zero and circled his arms round the boy's stomach, hugging him close. He felt Hector relax into his arms a little and shift his hands over his own. "Just talk to me, ok? I'm your best friend. How long have we been together? Well…comparatively, not that long but all the things we've been through together…it makes it like an eternity, right?"
"Yeah." Zero whispered. Stanley felt him brace himself in his arms. "Ok. I…."
A pause, a heavy, pregnant pause. "Go on," Stanley murmured into Zero's ear.
"It's….you know, what Zig Zag said. Barf Bag. We….used to have a thing, before you came to Green Lake."
Eternity froze. Stanley's breath caught uncomfortably in his throat. Hands still clamped possessively round his stomach. Stanley opened his mouth.
"." He swallowed, and tried again. "You….you mean it? You're having me on?"
Zero started shuddering against his chest as tears started to spill down his face. The caveman pressed his face into the boy back as his own tears started to prick at the corners of his eyes. He pulled Zero close to him, oh so afraid he would get up and leave again. Kept him encircled by his arms as though it could still the way Hector's sobs racked his body
"I knew it...would be like this." Words escaped through sobs. "I don't even like him anymore, but he keeps on hitting on me, as though nothing's changed…I feel worthless….people think we're dating, and Barf Bag keeps on chasing…."
I'm so stupid, because I used to live in a fuzzy dream. And I used to believe in the pretty people that were all around me but now I know for sure that I was stupid. Stupider than stupid. Oh, I never meant to cause you trouble. Oh, I never meant to do you wrong.
Stillness restored. The lump in Stanley's throat didn't go away. He didn't try to say anything; he couldn't. Wouldn't that just wreck it? They just lay there for what seemed an eternity as Zero's tears finally cleared. He realised by Hector's breathing that he had actually fallen asleep. Glancing at the clock, he saw, with surprise that nearly an hour they had just lain there. He gently raised a hand to his friend's face and brushed away the hair from his eyes. His cheeks were cold and damp.
'I can't tell him now….it's gonna make me look like a sheep…everybody confessing love for him….What is this? Some kind of gay town! ….I'm not gay….''
He rolled over and stared at the ceiling, just attempting to stop thinking. About anything. It just all seemed too difficult. Exhaling, he sat up. An unsteady movement. Zero was curled up, looking so small and unprotected. His little hand gripped the sheets…almost as though it were… a teddy. Stanley frowned and looked closer. His hands were clamped so protectively and needy...
'I had a toy giraffe….Jaffy….I ran so fast, that I forgot him….I left him behind….'
O.O Eyes flew wide open. The giraffe. Maybe….maybe if he found the little animal….Zero would be happy? It might still be in the park, right? His heart began to sink again. Surely Zero would have scoured the park for the giraffe, and it must have been years since he got lost….It was worth a try, though? He looked at Hector once more, before decidedly nodding his head in some sort of confirmation for himself, before standing up and making for the door. And running down to Laney Park, each footstep more rushed and desperate than the last.
Zero felt cold as he awoke, his cheeks feeling cold and his eyes stingy. His arm was full of pins and needles were he'd lain on it. He let go of the sheets and sat up, rubbing his sore eyes. A few insecure glances around and he knew he was alone. Pulled his knees up to his chest.
'Such an idiot….why? Why the fuck?' Two blinks and an angry glare at his toes. 'Why did I say it!'
In the end the route down stairs was not a mountain too steep.
"Where is he?" An anxious mother spins round, but her expression softens.
"Oh, Hector…. he went out. To the park, I think he said." He could only feel insecure under her questioning gaze. Could she see his tears, were they still in evidence? He mumbled his thanks and rushed out the door. He had to find Stanley if only to apologize for everything, if he could mean it.
Out the door; the autumn wind was rough and cold. He knew the path to Laney Park so well. The times were just as cold; he'd still sit there and relive his childhood, wondering would his future reflect his past? Would it brake and crumble? Would he lose everything again?
We could have met on that slide, couldn't we?
We could have ran and played. destiny. Couldn't we?
The sky was darkening; he must have been asleep for quite a long time. Had Stanley been out here for long? His foot steps hastened, and as he got to the gates he cast a speculative eye over the grounds.
Stanley? Where are you?
Suddenly the clouds rent apart and rain seared down plummeting to the ground. Zero blinked the rain out of his eyes and looked wildly around. Where was he? His brows arched in frustration.
"Where is the point of hiding Stanley!" He screamed out angrily, to the wet, empty park. "It's not going to solve anything! What if I had a something with him! I don't anymore!"
Is it right to love when it's not returned? Is it really permissible? God will forgive the fools, but will he forgive the ignorant, who carried on without their warnings? 'It's not the same as ignorant' Zero told himself angrily. But he didn't even like Lewis anymore. He just wanted help. He just wanted someone to make Barf Bag go away. 'I just need a friend. I just need your support.'
He did not raise a forlorn cry. Little Zero, once again. He didn't collapse onto the ground. But, silently, motionlessly, it's true. He gave up. Maybe it's time to realise enough is enough. The rain beat down mercilessly, but he walked on anyway. Mud pooled stubbornly in his path, stained his shoes. Kicked the drops off the grass. He came to a halt; standing un-orientated, peering out at his bleak, grey surroundings. And saw a dark shape in the bushes.
Once or twice Stanley had just sat down. It didn't seem worth it. As if Jaffy was actually out there! He had realised that Zero might think he liked him or was upset or disgusted that he had once been with Barf Bag but it was really too late to do anything about that. He stood up from routing around in the bushes and wandered down the path hopelessly, staring out across the big pond, which was grey and dull with the rain and the clouds. Something was floating near the pond reeds that was grouped obliquely by the bank. The Caveman crouched down, picked up a stick and prodded it. It wasn't a dead animal or anything…or at least…not a real one…
Excitedly, he scooped the toy out of the water. Sure enough, it was a giraffe. It was falling apart and most of its stuffing was gone, and its dappled brown markings were almost gone. But it was a giraffe.
Hector walked towards the shape, and started to recognize it as a person. The person moved away from the shrubbery and walked down to the pond, where they crouched and poked at something in the muddy water. Suddenly, Hector recognized the stance; Stanley! He quickened his pace, but then paused behind him.
"Stanley…" The caveman whirled around, wide eyes, and then saw Hector, and his face split across in a grin.
"I got something for you, buddy." Hector raised an eyebrow, confused, as Stanley thrust towards him what he had picked up out of the pond.
He dissolved into tears as he took in just what it was Stanley held out to him. He touched the little animal gently as though it would crumble with his touch, the grabbed it up into his arms and hugged wet Jaffy. Clutched to his chest. Mud splashed in a small fountain as knees hit the ground.
Stanley looked away from the little hunched up boy, but couldn't stop himself from smiling proudly. Hector sobbed delightedly, smothering his smile with the greying coat of his giraffe. He kept looking over it, and touching its sodden fur, not quite believing it was real. He looked up at his friend, his dark eyes glistening.
"You found Jaffy…." he whispered, standing up shakily. "You found him…."
Abruptly, Hector threw his arms round Stanley's neck, clutching Jaffy tightly. And so they ended up hugging each other tightly in the pouring that blurred their surroundings into shades of streaked grey.
Words weren't needed to express his gratitude. They couldn't do justice.
"You must have been pretty mad, to go out to look for a toy though," Hector said mockingly, smiling. He pulled Stanley's duvet tighter round himself. "In the pouring rain."
Stanley threw a pillow at his friend's head in answer. "Don't you ever go home!"
"Nah. It's the curse; you're stuck with me now." Hector smiled contentedly, watching the TV fairly indifferently. "Blame your dirty-rotten-good-for-nothing-pig-stealing-great-great-grandfather."
A curse? Stuck with Hector, a curse?
It wasn't a curse. It was a gift. It was a Godsend.
Hell. It was a full fledged miracle.