AN: this is lots of Langst.
A dam: a barrier constructed to hold back water and-
Lance knew the feeling like dirt knows rain. When rain comes, you can see it. You can see the stormy clouds coming miles away, hear the thunder approach, and almost taste the change in the weather, but the rain always caught Lance by surprise. It always started with a feeling or a bad thought.
'That wasn't funny.' sounded it a lot like you are annoying and I can't stand you.
Of course Lance would shake his head and try again. That was his friend, of course they were playing.
'Go away, I'm busy.' Lance's mind would translated I never like you.
Lance would look at his little brother, and stared and wondered. Does he means it?
I never like you. I love you out of duty.
Bad thoughts simply appear from the corners of his mind, and then they simply grew or span until they occupate his whole brain.
Lance would stay awake at night convinced that he wasn't love.
"Anita. Am I annoying?" His little sister was sweet, but she was also blunt like a grapefruit.
"Yeah." She wasn't a liar.
Every sentence, joke or stare was modified by Lance's brain until they became weapons of self-destruction.
Lance tried to fight it. He tried to be funny, but he felt like he made his friends feel awkward. He tried studying harder, to succeed at something, but it started feeling like it was meaningless; like everything he did was meaningless.
The bad thoughts got nasty. Lance thought the cruelest things and little by little he believed them. He kept it in though. It was the only thing he could do. He already thought people found him annoying, he didn't want to also be whiny.
"You seem off." A friend had said after a soccer game. She has known him for years. She knew him as an energetic boy who was always dreaming, but now he seem like he was ...sleepy. She watched Lance walked half-awake for days, but the odd was that he still smiled and played and sang, but he seem not ...fully.
"I'm fine. Why?" Has something change? Did I do something? Of course I did; I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to deal with me. Please don't stop being my friend. I'm sorry.
The bad thoughts had stayed with Lance a whole week. They come and go, like seasons in a year, he deal with his episodes for over the last 2 or 3 years. But for a whole week Lance felt heavy without a rest.
It wasn't sadness, but a sense of being… unloved.
It was stupid, he knew his family loved him because they don't have an option. He had friends for years and he knew that they were tired of him. Lance was a good son but I could be better, I could try better, I could be better. I could be better.
Why aren't I better?
"Are you okay?" Tony, Lance's uncle asked at a little family party, and Lance panic you must look sick, you are weak and you make people worry. What are you doing? Why can you be better?
"Yeah. Why?" I'm sorry.
"Well. You - te miras deprimido. Todo esta bien? Me puedes decir, kid. Si es que algo te paso." Lance was surprised, everyone had only talked english to him for a while, to help him practice before he goes to the academy. Lance's family was so proud, but Lance didn't believe them They can't wait for me to leave.
"Perdón. I just feel-" It was overwhelming. They can't wait for me to leave. At that moment every bad thought Lance had kept inside broke out, and it hurt as he poured out his fears. "Do you want me here?" The silence tears choked his words and he was sobbing more than he was breathing.
Am I want it? Please tell me!
Lance had never felt more vulnerable, more naked, and he looked up to his uncle to find out his mother, grandmother and little cousins were there.
"Que paso?"
"Que le hiciste Tony?"
"Por supuesto!"
"We love you."
"Fernando come, your son's sad because he ya se va este año! Vente." Lance mother screamed and he felt stupid, he felt weak, and then he felt a kiss from his grandmother. Lance felt empty but oddly loved. That made everything not immediately okay but better.
After that Lance mother started complaining. "If you want to go; go. I won't stop you. Go. But don't cry. Because I cry, and it ruins my face." Lance felt embarrassed. "You could always stay." She always adds at the end.
Every thought of being unwanted felt like an odd distance memory, until they began again.
Lance feared that he will live at the will of his mood forever.
Eventually he talk to someone.
Lance told his mother who told him that everyone felt bad from time to time. Everyone has bad thoughts, you just gotta be stronger.
Just be stronger
Why aren't you stronger?
Be stronger, Lance
It didn't work.
Eventually Lance looked it up. It should have been his first option, but investigating it made it feel like he had a real problem. He knew what anxiety was and he knew it was common, but Lance didn't wanted it.
But then again, no one does.
Google told him he has autophobia; fear of being unloved.
It was weirdly soothing to know instead of wonder. Lance read all he could and he prepared.
They was no cure or clear treatment. But it was clear that Lance needed validation, and some self-searching-thing.
So he being asking questions.
"Aren't I a great friend?" He asked as lightheartedly as he could.
"But am I your best big brother or what?" He smiled as wide as he could
"YOU love me! But what is there-" He breath in a fear he had learnt to live with.
"You are being weird." The comment didn't meant to sink into Lance's mind and slowly rot his hard earn praise. I'm just being a fool. I'm the excess friend. I'm the uninvited guess that shows up only to ruin everyone's perfectly good time because now they have to pretend they like me.
"But weird on a good way." Lance smiled and he tried to not show how scared he was, his little sister turned annoyed but she didn't answer.
"Lans. por qué lloras?" Lance hurried to clean his face, to laugh and try to passed it as a joke. As an stupid stupid joke. But once his smile breaks he can't contain himself. It wasn't as the barriers that Lance had created break, but as if there was too much to contained. Lance cried until there was nothing left to cried, and he felt empty and oddly loved. Anita hugged him until he was done.
"I'm sorry."
"Is okay." Her fingers were small and her lips soft. She kissed her brother's cheek and made everything a little better.
What waste of a big brother am I.
Anita made her job to check on her big brother.
"How are you doing?" She will ask every so often; it help Lance more than it could ever be explain. Not the questions really, but to know that someone cares enough to check. "Do you love me?" "Of course, no seas menso. You know I love you." They repeat their conversation more times than the rain came to their home.
"You are going to be okay." She said, her light voice forced to be stronger than the laws of nature, and she sounded so sure.
"You are going to be okay." She repeated at the airport before saying her last goodbye to her brother. Lance's family kissed him and blessed him. Lance's lita whispered that everything will be fine, she will pray for him. They told him to called everyday, and Lance did.
Lance learnt to recognize the symptoms of his odd episodes, he learnt to manage his thoughts, and he built taller dams to store all of his feelings. And when those dams were buried and he was left empty and overwhelmed, then he built new ones. Because Lance truly believed that people would not love him if they knew how pathetic and weak he felt.
Just be stronger.
Lance felt as prepared as he could be, but of course life would drastically changed.
A dam: a barrier constructed to hold back water and raise its level, the resulting reservoir being used in the generation of electricity or as a water supply.
synonyms: barrier, wall, embankment, barricade, obstruction
Lance knew the feeling like dirt knows rain. They were not clouds or thunder, Lance didn't know he was slipping until he found himself silent. There was no water or skies, but Lance could almost hear the rain.
It always starts with a bad thought.
You are a joke.
It was almost funny. They were trap in space but they were the best candidates to be trap in space. Shiro was experienced on so many ways, knowledgeable and intuitive, fair and competitive. He was a natural leader and he was hopeful against all odds.
Hunk was the best and greatest sweetheart on the whole galaxy, he was smart and scrappy, lighthearted and grounded. He was the mechanic of the team that picks up aliens' motors like he made them.
Pigde was everything. They were quick and clever. They could packed more on a sentence, no, they could packed more on a glare than most people could on whole books. They were a genius and they knew it well. They were so confident.
Lance tried not to envy them, just admired those qualities.
Then it was Keith.
Keith was talented and ...solid, it was like nothing bother him. He could set himself a goal and he would not sleep until his goal was reached. Keith was unapologetic and a person of his own. Keith stands his ground against anything and anyone, and unless the opposite side has an army then Keith would most likely win. Keith was the best pilot and the best fighter (second only to Shiro) and everyone knew it. Including Keith.
Keith was Lance's goal, and Lance was so far away to even compete with Keith -he could not even considered himself a shadow of what Keith was.
Lance tried to admired instead to envy him. Keith didn't even knew who Lance was, and he didn't care. Lance envied him.
Just be stronger.
Lance made Keith his enemy, his target, his goal.
Just be better.
It didn't matter on comparison Lance was … not useful. The thought weighted him down, and kept him up at nights.
Just be stronger.
Lance smiled brighter, he talked louder, he sang songs, and he trained until feeling sore meant he was healing. Lance practiced shooting, he stayed calm and repeat a mantra -breath, wait and aim. Lance payed attention and stay happy. He needed to show that he could deal with everything, or the very least he could pretended.
But it didn't work.
Nothing Lance did made an impact, and people either didn't notice or they didn't care to pointed it out.
Just be better.
Lance tried to be more like Keith, jump head first and ask questions later. But he didn't have the talent to fight his way out of difficulties. He didn't even have the guts to try.
Just be stronger.
Lance tried to befriend Pidge, showed them how much he was willing to do for them. But he felt like he couldn't keep up. At least not like Hunk who has been spending so much time with them. Both of them enjoy mechanics so much and Lance couldn't add to their conversations.
They don't want me there. They want you to go away.
Just be better.
Why can I be better?
Eventually trying became a job. Lance tried to used his negative emotions to fuel him, but that was like running with an empty stomach -you won't get far, and you will feel worse than before.
Lance felt heavy like he was walking around with wet cloths. It was uncomfortable, he wondered if it was obvious, he felt out of place and stupid, and constantly cold -isolated. And he knew it will eventually make him sick.
Just be better.
Lance was tired, he laid on his bed for hours feeling miserable or feeling nothing, there was not in between.
Why are you so weak?
Lance continued to try. He spoke even if no one was talking to him, he included himself on conversations he wasn't invited.
You are being annoying.
Lance didn't want to go to his room and stay alone with his head full of nasty thoughts.
Lance started losing focus and it was pretty obvious.
Just be better. Try harder. Stop being so pathetic. Be stronger. Be useful. Hold it in. Breath, wait and aim. Stop being so pathetic. Just be better. No one wants you here. Just be better. If you die they will find a better paladin. Just be better. If you go, everyone will be relief.
"Are you okay?" Keith was the first one to asked.
"Yeah. Why do you ask?" Hold it in. "What do you want?" Lance glared.
"Nothing. Nevermind." Keith's room was the closest to Lance, and he hasn't hear him sing in months.
Lance began to fear his name. He found out that he could not compete, and he was constantly misbehaving. If someone called his name was to complain. Nothing mean, but nothing good.
Lance was 2 years older than when he first arrived to space, and he waited for someone to remembered. The first year in space they all celebrate their birthdays, but the second one have passed with little words of congratulations and 'sorry, we can't stop.' They were at war I can't be that needy. Lance waited. They left that day to a diplomatic meeting at another planet.
Lance talks with ease like he has rehearse every word that comes out of his mouth. He can make people laugh, he can smile and play and he can make himself a spectacle. I'm a joke. The aristocracy of that planet called him charming, they asked if they could keep him; they confused him with an entertainer. Lance laughs of course, I don't look like a paladin, I don't behave like a paladin. I'm barely a paladin. Hold it in. Be better. Be stronger.
Lance laughs loudly, he smiles as wide as he can. "They always want to keep me" As I were a pet. At least as a pet; pets are love. They are weak useless creature that can't survive on its own. Lance could hear his mother's voice; 'You gotta be stronger.'
'Ponte fuerte.'
I'm trying, I'm trying to be stronger and I'm exhausted. I'm sorry I'm so weak I'm sorry I don't deserve to be paladin. I'm trying to be better but I'm just weak.
Hunk kissed his forehead.
"Happy birthday, birthday-boy. You thought I forgot, didn't you?" Hunk smiles and then he hears the sobs.
It was overwhelming. Lance couldn't breath, he couldn't think, he couldn't speak, for a moment he could only cry.
Weak and useless.
"I'm sorry." Lance sobs as he felt his own self-pity wash over him, it felt like it could drown him.
"Is okay. Lance." Hunk carefully put his arms around him. "Is okay." He brushes his lips over Lance's hair.
I should be better by now.
"Is okay." Hunk squeezes his friend and against all logic, it helps Lance breath easier.
They stay where they were.
In less than twenty minutes Lance had empty himself, now there was nothing.
The silence between the paladins was dense and Shiro was the one to break it.
"Are you okay?" The great leader cringed at his own words, but he didn't know how to deal with this.
"Really?" Pidge whispers.
Keith stares at Lance on silence, it has been over a year since the last time he heard Lance sing. Lance has a pretty voice.
"Why didn't you said anything?!" He explodes, time has made him more volatile on odd ways.
Lance flinches. He looks down and his eyes hurt. I'm sorry I'm so weak.
"What do you want me to say?" Lance shoots back and Keith looks uncomfortable. How did he missed it?
"Lance." Shiro starts "...are you okay?" That makes Lance laugh. No, I'm not.
"Yes. I just got sentimental because is my birthday and stuff." Lance shrugs and hopes they believe him.
They don't, but they let him leave.
Shiro asks Lance again the day after.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes."
Hunk sticks around more than often, asks Lance for help with his repairs of the ship. He feels sorry for you. Lance pushes his bad thoughts away, no. He is my friend.
"Pass me the hammer please."
"Hunk this is a rock."
"But it doubles like a hammer, rock and paper holder!"
Shiro asks Lance again the day after.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
Pidge keeps trying to ask question about that day without prying; it is a paradox.
"I'm just saying that a friend will tell me what is going on."
Lance look at them and try not to think about. If he tells them, then they will know how weak he is. If you tell them, then they will ask you to stop being a paladin, then I will truly be useless. And no one loves an useless loser.
"Aha." It was a paradox.
Shiro asks Lance again the day after.
"Are you okay?"
"Okay, I'm never crying again. Are you Happy Shiro?"
Keith forces Lance to train with him. Lance jokes that his bruises match Keith's fists, sometimes you could actually count the finders.
"Stand up!" Keith screams from his corner of the room. Lance has found out that Keith won't fight him when he is laying down. It was like a turtle retriving to its shell.
"Keith it has been 5 hours. Let's go to sleep. Oh, please, let's go shower!" Lance begs but Keith stays strong on his stand.
"No. You have to beat me first!" Keith states and Lance glares from the floor. Not even an army could hold Keith down, nor time or frustration. Keith would never be stop by bad thoughts.
"Fuck you. Keith." Lance stood and he saw Keith flinch. There was poison in his words, and Lance was feeling sick of keep swallowing it.
"Okay then." Keith breaths out, auto-defence mechanism.
"Shiro asks Lance again a week after.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes. I am." I have to be.
The bad thoughts didn't disappear.
Lance didn't think he was being useful to Hunk, but the other laughs at his jokes and remember things from the academy -which feels like a lifetime ago.
"I didn't even notice how much I miss our talks." Hunk says and Lance stares at him.
"Me too." I miss you too.
Pidge stopped asking question about that day. It has been weeks. But they still asks question to Lance about their project, even though Lance couldn't understand the science right away, he usually got the concept.
Keith continues to train with Lance.
"Keith! Keiiiiiiith!" Lance whines as loud as he can, he jumps out of reach from a punch and he turns to run the opposite direction.
"Fight me you coward!" Keith runs after him and barely sees Lance turned and drop to the floor. A low round kick and Keith is face first on the floor.
"Falling for me?" Lance laughs and prepares for Keith, he never stays long on the floor. Keith jumps up and attacks, both movement done so closely to each other it felt like less than a second. Lance observes the fist closing in and he turns at the very last moment. Lance turns and kicks the other's left side hard enough to unbalance Keith.
"Shit!" Keith tried to control his fall but he knew that Lance would hit him again winning this round. But Lance didn't, he hesitates it like he always does.
Keith falls on the floor and he uses the tension on his legs to jump back up like an spring hitting Lance on the face.
"Ah! You monster, my face." Lance whines and Keith looks away. 'Was this helping?'
"Yeah, Yeah, 'a crime against humanity.' Take three and then we start again."
"What? Keith this is crazy, I am tire you are tire, the room is tire." As on cue the drone that has been cleaning after them goes to hibernation mode.
What are you trying to do? Are you trying to make me strong?
"Lance." Keith stares at Lance. "Don't go to bed unfinished."
Lance stares at first confused, then he gets it. He glares with indignation.
"Is this your version of therapy?" Lance moncks. Are you trying to fix me? I'm that weak, I'm that useless that I must be fix by being kick around until I stop feeling sorry for myself. Just be stronger, just be better, just try harder. "You think you can fix me?"
"No. I- I'm just trying to help." Keith shouts back, auto-defence mechanism.
"I'm fine." I don't want to be considered weak by you. I don't want to be weak. I'm tired of being weak.
Shiro asks Lance again the day after.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm also a paladin! Are you asking this to everyone."
Lance was tire. He laid on his bed feeling sore and feeling heavy, like he couldn't move so he could only laid on his bed.
'Don't go to bed unfinished.'
Lance thought about what Keith meant, he has never been good with words. Unable to sleep Lance stood up and walks away in silence, he walked through the castle, pass his comrades' rooms, the training arena, and before he knew it he was standing in front of his lioness.
"Hey, Blue." He greeted her. "Can we...hang out?"
The lioness opened her jaws and Lance walked in slowly like he was an intruder.
Lance stopped sleeping on his bed. Every night he would go to his room and wait until everyone was sleeping, then he will go to Blue.
He talked to her, and also listen to her stories.
She told him that her paladin always comes to her like this; as it was a shameful thing to seek comfort.
"I wish I was strong." You are. Her voice was warm, like christmas at home.
"I just -I want to be stronger!" Lance tried not to cry, he wanted to be strong he has to at least try. You will be. You are getting better every day.
"No. I'm weak. I'm useless. Why did you chose me? Why didn't you choose someone smarter or stronger or fucking better?!"
Lance was breathing hard and he could hear the echo of his sobs, he felt pathetic.
"I'm sorry."
I chose you because you will persevere. Because you will make me stronger. I'm happy I chose you because I love you. I'm sorry Lance, I'm sorry for all the pain I have brought you.
Lance continued to cry until he could breath again.
"I love you too." It was weird but he felt better.
Shiro asks Lance again the day after.
"Are you okay?" Shiro tried not to stare at the red puffy eyes and the Lance tried to smile.
"I. I'm better." That wasn't a lie.
"Lance if you need to talk-" Shire started but it made Lance laugh, it took him over a month to get to the second part of that conversation. Lance thought then of his little sister. She took the job of checking on him, and it was heavy for her. Lance always make sure to check on her, to say thank you.
"Thank you Shiro." Lance says and Shire gives him a little shy smile. The man was on unknown territory -fishing in the dark.
"And you? Are you okay?" Lance asks and Shiro seems taken back by the question.
"I. I'm okay most of the time." He answers truthfully.
"That's good."
That's good.
Hunk is surprise when Lance asks him the song he misses the most from Earth. It was a very Lance-thing to ask, but the blue paladin has been slowly fading. Lance smiles for a moment like the first time he introduced himself to Hunk.
"La macarena." Hunk answers without thinking.
"What? Really?" Lance laughs.
"I feel like it unite us." Hunk insists and Lance hugs his friend. It has been sometime.
Lance and Pidge make a rocket-mini-car and they convinced each other to test it inside the castle.
Lance continues to train with Keith. Their training sections became more intense. So much, the rest of the team comes to make bets.
"How many rounds so far?"
"6 -Keith has won 5 but they just switch weapons."
"Keith! Lance! Go!"
"You can't cheer both at the same time! Lance go! -so far Lance always wins round number 7. Is his favorite number and he gets a confidence boost."
Shiro asks Lance again a few days after.
"Are you okay?"
"..Not really." Lance looks at the floor.
"That's okay. How are you feeling?" Shiro continued.
"...Like" they cheer you, talk to you, befriend you out of pity. "I - Well." I feel too weak to be worth their love, "I feel...unwanted."
Shiro brings Lance closer. "I want you here Lance. Blue loves you. You made Hunk and Pidge sing 'la macarana,' and Keith was smiling. Lance we love you." Shiro says and Lance smiles, he didn't believe him completely, but it still help.
"Is the 'la macarena'"
"What did I said?- Lance, no evading this okay." Shiro was stern like a mother.
"Yeah. and you?" Lance asked.
"The team's morale is up, it always makes me feel better."
"Me too. Thanks." Thank you.