a/n So, just fyi, this little ficlet turned kind of enormous before I knew what was happening, and will definitely be a guilty pleasure. I mean, taking a bunch of my favorite characters and dumping the whole slash thing on them? Where does that NOT make my life? Also, if there is an actual "angelxspike4evr", I apologize. I needed a name on the spot, and that's what I came up with.

PART 1.1: REVENGE OF THE SLASHED

"I assume you're all curious as to why we brought you here today-" Dean Winchester began.

"And how," Sam Winchester added, annoyed.

"Yeah, well, that's kinda secondary, Sammy," the older brother growled.

But the looks the group of men were sending him suggested they did care to know what the hell was going on. And quite a few of them were clearly doing their best not to attack the boys.

At that, Castiel and the Doctor, both in suits and trenchcoats, stepped forward.

"I am Castiel, an angel of the Lord-" the first began, voice low, gravelly, and intensely serious.

Only to be cut off by the other man, grinning like a fool, "And I'm the Doctor. Hullo!"

Dean ran his fingers through his hair, exasperated. "Yeah, whatever. Cas knows the Doctor, and the Doctor's a Time Lord who can travel through -you guessed it!- space and time, and he's the one who found you all and brought you all here."

Sam stepped back up. "Any questions?"

When the room erupted in angry voices, and the four at the front stared around in confusion.

"GUYS!" Dean shouted, "Can we please get back on the friggin' subject already?"

Sam, who was the cause of the commotion, looked down at his shoes, shamefaced.

As the room quieted, the older Winchester began to speak. "Thank you!" Eyes sweeping the assemblage, Dean sighed. "Okay, look. Sam and me, we've got this idiot prophet named Chuck who's writing the "Winchester Gospel". But as crappy fiction. Which is how all these psycho fans know about our lives. And they were creepy, sure, but whatever. We didn't give a crap. Until we found this thing called fanfiction. And…" Here he stopped, and a disgusted shudder shook its way through his whole body. "Wincest."

The way he spit out the word, then appeared to be so wrathful that he couldn't continue made those watching distinctly uncomfortable.

With a long-suffering huff, Sam stepped up and continued. "When I looked a little more, turns out all of you guys were in there too. In- um… what are called, uh, "slash fics". Which means, like, Dean-slash-Castiel. As in two guys, together."

At the blank looks, Sam reached over and punched Dean's shoulder. Hard.

"Dammit, Sammy!" the older brother growled, rubbing his arm. Finally, he focused back on the rest of the males in the room. Shifting awkwardly for a moment, the set of his face became resigned, and he reached down and picked something up off the chair in front of him. Lifting it, he dropped an enormous pile of papers onto the table top, which landed with a heavy "BANG".

It appeared to be any number of sheets, stapled together into smaller sections. Picking up the first one, which was about ten papers long, Dean cleared his throat.

"This one involves Sherlock Holmes and Dr. James Watson."

He handed it to Sam, who went bright red. "Dude, I am not reading this out loud."

"Come on, Sammy," Dean pleaded. "We've gotta make these guys realize how serious this is."

As the two brothers continued to glare at each other, and everyone in the room waited for one of the other to back down, the man who had identified himself as simply "The Doctor" chuckled. "Here, allow me." Stepping forward, he snatched the pages away, pulled on a pair of thick-framed, rectangular reading glasses, and began to skim the black lines of text, commenting as he read. "Well, this apparently involves Dr. Watson on his wedding day to someone named 'Mary'. And he's hesitant for some reason, and then Mr. Holmes shows up and begs Dr. Watson to come on a quick walk with him because he desperately needs to share something with Dr. Watson. And he tells Mr. Holmes no, but it turns out not to matter, since he has paid off someone to slip a sedative in the good doctor's morning tea.

"He carries off the unconscious Dr. Watson, and when he wakes up, he is handcuffed to the headboard of an unfamiliar bed. And-

"Aah! Here we go! This must be the part that had the Winchester brothers in such a tizzy."

His voice deepened dramatically, and the shocking words rang through the silent air. "'Then Holmes was kneeling between his legs, leaning in, hands slipping closer to the aching bulge that begged for the eccentric detective's touch.

"Yet he knew he must protest, must stop Holmes before his body's desires overcome his rational mind. "Now, Holmes? You chose to finally acknowledge something I spoke of so long ago -when you have no cause to believe I still want you with such desperation- on the day I am to marry the woman in whose pleasant company I wish to spend the remainder of my life?"

"With a wicked smirk, Holmes allowed his fingers to move the final few inches upwards, and the resulting low groan that ripped from the doctor's throat, and the way his body arched up into the touch only made the expression of confident self-satisfaction deepen. "I think that is answer enough as to the question of whether you still find yourself caught up in lurid dreams of me."

"Breathless, unable to even think, Watson could no more stop himself from letting out little whimpers, than he could pull his eyes away from that too observant gaze, dark with lust…'

"And then from there, it's a bit of clothing being torn, and-" He broke off, eyes going wide, and he whistled, long and loud. "I've been around a long time, and even I think this is absurd." But he didn't put it down. Instead, the Time Lord continued reading, eyebrows going up. "And there go the clothes altogether, but the handcuffs stay on, and there's an appalling amount of guilt swirling around about that fiancé woman, which appears to only make everything go "bang" that much quicker. Gracious…"

That was when Dean took back the focus, pulling another pile from beneath the table, this one smaller, but still sizable, and pushed it over to the two wide-eyed gentlemen who had just been featured prominently in a fangirl's wet dream.

Hesitantly, the more sharply dressed man in the bowler reached forward and tugged the collection nearer, as the messily put together one reached eagerly for the top grouping of pages.

The quiet returned while the two began to read.

"Fascinating," Holmes muttered.

"This isn't illegal here?" Watson demanded, flabbergasted at the utterly crude paragraph he was having trouble finishing, as he fought the instinct to flinch away and go throw himself off a bridge.

And down the line it went, one fandom after another forced to face the world as their sexually-repressed fans wrote it.

- Star Trek -

Kirk took the papers, and spent a few seconds flipping through them, skimming. He did this bent over the paper so that it was blocked from the view of his crew members. When he looked up, his eyes were glinting with that teasing light that everyone on the Enterprise found hilarious, while simultaneously picturing a planet exploding.

"Why, Bones, Spock, I had no idea you cared about me that much!"

And poor little Chekov was unable to stop reading, engulfed in the horror of being the youngest, most "innocent" member of the group - which, in fangirl, appeared to mean ending up with every single male member of Star Fleet he had ever met.

-Good Omens-

Staring down at the page, Aziraphale sighed and snapped a soothing cup of tea into existence. "Why am I not surprised?"

Crowley, however, was eagerly pouring over the inappropriate fan creations. As he giggled over one that involved "involuntary wing!stimulation", he raised an eyebrow at his tweed-clad counterpart. "I suppose you're going to mention this is all just another odd quirk in the ineffable plan, angel?"

The blonde man simply took another calming sip of his tea, which abruptly turned into good red wine. With an annoyed glare at Crowley ("Really, dear?"), he simply took a long swallow, then held out the cup for a refill. Happily, the demon pulled the bottle of alcohol out of midair, poured the heavenly messenger a drink, then filled up his wineglass*.

- Psych -

With difficulty, Gus was controlling his irrepressible gag reflex.

Lassie peered over the shorter man's shoulder, and his mouth dropped, face going pale, then red, as his jaw clenched and he automatically reached for his sidearm.

Shawn, meanwhile, grinned easily and announced, "Check it out! We're "Shassie"! I couldn't have done better myself! …Well, okay, I could have, but-"

- Harry Potter -

As the papers floated down in front of the wizards, Harry stepped closer and studied the words, then reared back, looking like he wanted to vomit.

Meanwhile, Snape was repeatedly snarling "Inferno!", and all the stories involving him went up in flames, until all that remained was a large pile of ash.

The Weasley twins were laughing their heads off, as they read through a story labelled "Neville/Ron". But it stopped as soon as said little brother passed them a new sheet, where the character relationship was defined as "twincest".

And Malfoy, was flipping through the abomination he had received, muttering the different curses and hexes he would be using on whoever had written such "degrading, disgusting filth!"

- Firefly -

Simon fearfully reached out towards the small tower, only to have the offending articles snatched away by Mal, even as Jayne was moving towards them.

"Alright, boys, let's size it up." They both watching in alarm as Mal's face went from it's usual easy humor, and turned dark and as mad as they had ever seen him, before he burst out, "Qing wa cao de liu mang! Wang ba dan-! Juh shi suh mo go dohng shee?"

That was the moment when the other men decided they really didn't want to read whatever the pages said.

- Criminal Minds -

The BAU male team members each took a part of the pile and began studying it the way they would something left by an unsub. Then Reid began to squirm in his chair, Morgan shifted his shoulders uncomfortably, and Hotch asked, "Is it just me, or do most of these prominently involve Spencer?"

Morgan, Gideon and Rossi all nodded, while Spencer sank even lower in his seat, putting down the bit he was holding and pushing it firmly away from him.

- Glee -

Puck smirked when he first accepted his "fanfic". But as it continued, his cheeks flamed red, and he looked like nothing so much as a murderous, mohawked tomato. "Hummel tops? No way in hell, man!"

The others all peered round at this outburst. Finn turned back to his reading and his ears went bright red. Will was outraged, only managing half-sentences, "I would never-! And with a student-! That's just-!"

Meanwhile, Kurt sat back and calmly read on, secretly delighted that so many people were fans who agreed that he should get all the gay sex he wanted. But the emotional bits were making him flush a light pink, especially when he glanced over at Blaine, who also appeared engrossed in his reading.

Then Blaine looked up, eyes meeting Kurt's, and chuckled, before softly whispering, "Klaine, huh?"

As the blush deepened, Kurt quickly turned away and tried to look as offended as his friends.

- Leverage -

"Ho-lee…" Hardison trailed off, before he literally tipped his chair back and away from the sheets spread out before him. "Oh, no. No, man! That just- that ain't right!"

Eliot was growling low in his throat, the expression on his face one that Parker called his "bad guys are gonna die" look. On the other hand, Nate's eyes were shooting back and forth, from the paper, to around the room. And the way his hand was twitching suggested he really needed a drink.

- 21 Jump Street -

Hanson looked like he had been slammed over the head with a hammer, as he slowly pulled the papers toward him. The other four officers leaned over while Hanson turned one page after another.

"Geez, Tommy," Penhall whistled as he grabbed one particular pile off the stack. "You're in, like, every single one'a these."

Booker, on the other hand, had a cynical eyebrow raised. "Why the hell would I go for this skinny dweeb-" He waved at Hanson. "-or that fat idiot?" This time, a finger was pointed at Penhall.

"That's okay, man," Penhall shuddered. "You ain't exactly my type."

- Star Wars -

Han Solo was wishing he was back in his safe (if very, very uncomfortable and disconcerting) carbonite slab. Or even to just be blind again, so that he couldn't read any of this crap.

Likewise, Luke was pale as a sheet and doing his best to avoid meeting eyes with his father, who stood behind him in his black robotic suit, trembling with rage.

Chewy simply let out a whining growl and helplessly shook his huge, furry head.

- The Justice League -

The well-muscled group of superheroes in brightly colored spandex courageously stepped forward, following the Batman. Gloved fingers caught the top sheet, and despite the explicit scene he was reviewing, no emotion crossed his face. Only those who knew him well recognized the tightening of the lines around his mouth, and how his back became just a bit stiffer. Superman knew that the only thing that would cause such a reaction was rage.

Which meant that the Kryptonian really, really didn't ever want to read any of the stories in question.

Especially when Batman began skimming the papers and dividing them into piles.

When the Flash moved forward in the blink of an eye, reaching, Batman's hand instinctively shot out, fisting around the speedster's wrist. "Don't."

"Well then, tell us what we're missing out on," the red-suited man protested.

With a glare, the black figure pointed at each pile. "They're all sexual situations. These ones involve Superman and Batman. These are the Flash and Green Lantern. These, the Flash and Batman. These, Martian Manhunter and everyone. And this-" Here his finger tapped on the pile that was expanding the fastest. "-involves threesomes between Batman, Superman and the Flash."

Behind his cowl, the speedster's eyes went wide. "Well, that's… awkward. Really, really, really awkward."

- House, MD -

House propped his feet up on the table as entertainment crossed his face. "Well, Wilson, I guess I am to blame for all those failed marriages of yours."

His best friend had dropped his forehead heavily onto the table and groaned, covering his head with his arms.

The other men continued looking through the papers like case files, and Foreman and Taub both wore the same look, trying to decide whether to be offended or relieved that they didn't really feature in any of the porn so far.

Chase, on the other hand, was bright red.

"Also," House continued. "Amber was just a female version of me, and you fell for her because it was the closest you thought you would ever get to being with me. Wow, Wilson. For being such a man-whore, you have a shocking amount of repressed gayness."

Another groan from the oncologist met this statement.

- Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel -

Xander did his best to avoid everyone's eyes, Angel was two seconds away from vamping out, Lindsey had been taking notes on how best to sue and/or curse these "fangirls", and Conner just wanted to find Willow and have her make a potion or perform a spell that would wipe all memory of this entire meeting from his spasming brain.

And Spike was shaking his head in confusion. "That's bonkers. Who interprets Robin asking if any of us haven't slept together and one awkward exchanged glance as meaning I was having a bloomin' sex affair with funny boy?" He waved one sheet around wildly, as he continued ranting. "And whoever the hell this gal, 'angelxspike4evr' is, I'm going to hunt her down and bloody kill her."

- Castle -

Ryan and Esposito were both doing their best not to react to the stuff they were reading, and then they shared a look.

"I dunno whether to laugh or go shoot someone," Ryan admitted.

Esposito shrugged. "Castle's been writing shit like this about us since he started the Nikki Heat series. I mean, it isn't exactly new."

"Yeah, but that's Castle," his partner protested. "He's a crazy author who stalks Becket and keeps us entertained. These are random strangers writing about how Jenny was only ever a cover to try and protect me from getting my heart broken by you. And they keep writing Lainey as a controlling bitch who I have to man up and save you from."

"Okay, that pisses me off," the other man frowned, flipping through another offering of unending smut.

Then they both straightened and spun to face each other at the same time, speaking in synch. "Castle can't ever find out about this!"

- Doctor Who/Torchwood -

Captain Jack Harkness and Ianto Jones stood at ease behind the Doctor, who was intently studying a new story. Rory peered over his shoulder, mouth wide open and panic growing in his eyes.

Jack leaned closer to his friend. "With the way he's so interested, I'm beginning to wonder if I should be worried about my virtue."

Ianto simply answered, "What virtue? You're attracted to anything with a pulse, why not a Time Lord?"

The look of fake shock and grieving Jack aimed at the shorter man was met with that infuriating smirk. And Ianto simply continued, "At least the pairing of us is based on reality."

"Yep. And the women just love it."

At that, the shorter man just rolled his eyes.

Then the Doctor started giggling, and they both turned fathomless expressions on the alien.

"He's not allowed near any writing instruments until he has something else to obsess over."

"Agreed, sir," Ianto answered automatically, then tilted his head to the side. "I've a question to ask the Winchesters."

Jack winked. "And I think I know what is. Give 'em a minute and then we'll go ask."

"Yes, sir."

"Ianto."

"Right. Sorry, Jack."

- Dresden Files -

While Harry's eyes grew wider and wider, Butters hands started to shake and his stomach rebelled, Kincaid raised an eyebrow as he reached for a particularly sharp knife, and Michael clutched his hands together, eyes tightly closed and murmuring a prayer, Thomas was chuckling.

With a wide grin, he turned to his brother and wiggled his eyebrows. "Ooooh, Harry. You're so big and strong in that sexy leather duster, and it makes me feel all protected from my family and my big, bad self. Please, Harry, take me now," he mocked. Picking up a new story, he began laughing out loud. "Damn, there are some seriously kinky chicks involved in this. Remind me to find them and ask to borrow the handbook for these 'hurt/comfort' ones. I mean, '…he leaned over his brother's wounded body, tears dripping down his cheeks to scatter across Thomas' pale skin, perfect but for the bruises and cuts that littered his flesh. "God, Thomas, I am so sorry. That should have been me! It should have been me…"

"The vampire reached up and ran a bloody hand over his wizard's craggy cheek. "I guess you'll just have to be the one nursing me back to health," he teased softly, before coughing and choking on his own blood.'

"They really like to see us all beaten up and taking care of each other. And then it turns into crazy, gay, monkey sex." Looking over at Harry, Thomas jokingly threw him a disappointed, pouty face, "How come I didn't get any the last time you were taking care of me after I got hurt?"

The man in question didn't even glance up as he took the empty coffee cup in front of him in hand, before chucking it at his brother. Thomas casually caught it and just kept laughing.

Sam and Dean stood back from the other males, watching the varied reactions.

"Do you think we should start passing out the hardcore, PWP fics yet?" Sam suggested.

Dean sneered. "If they're reacting this way to the T-rated stuff, I really don't think they're ready for anything worse."

"Yeah. …maybe this wasn't the best idea, Dean."

Rolling his eyes, Dean threw an arm around his brother's shoulders. "Maybe not. But just think about what we can do to those slash writers with all these guys being super pissed. Things are about to get good."

tbc…

*Which everyone was quite sure had not been there a moment ago.

a/n2 So here's the list, just to remind you what fandoms I am enjoying screwing with: Supernatural, Sherlock Homes, Star Trek, Good Omens, Psych, Harry Potter, Firefly/Serenity, Criminal Minds, Glee, Leverage, 21 Jump Street, Star Wars, JLU, House, BtVS/Angel, Castle, Doctor Who/Torchwood, aaaaand the Dresden Files. *wink* Thanks for reading!