AN: a one shot that i wrote that pertains a lot to the relationship i have with the guy i like :) review!
Me
I think that I've always envied him. Though I would never in a million years admit it. Him and his laughter and confidence and friends. He always had a smile on his face, was always talking to at least three people at a time. I'm not one to socialize with the whole student body; if you know what I mean. I like to actually know people. I like to actually know the person that I'm talking to. If you pass someone in the hall and call out their name and wave, as if your jolly good friends, when in actuality you've spoken to them a totally of 5 times and you really don't know them at all, your completely and totally lying. Why say hi to someone if you actually don't like them at all. Why wave to someone if you know that they're cheating on their boyfriend, and your good friends with said boyfriend? Why scream 'call me' to someone who you've never even given your number to? I don't know…maybe I'm making all this up. Maybe people really do know each other and they don't cheat on their boyfriends and they do have your phone number. But if I am right; why do we do it? it may be to catch others attentions, it may be that we want to appear in more conversations, that we want to seem like we know everyone when in actuality we barley know anyone? Well; the whole thing seems a little fishy to me. I think that this is the reason why I love my books. Why I love my best friends; why I love to stare at the stars and run across the beach. It's all real. None of it can make me put on a fake smile and pretend I'm having a good time. None of it can make me laugh uproarasly at a really stupid joke.
But this; this longing for knowing people, is what separated us. And though I longed to have his air, his genuine smile and his acute knowledge of how to turn the Slytherin's hair pink, I never wanted to be in his situation. I don't think I could have withstood the constant nagging that always penetrated him. The knowledge that I was always in someone else's brain, making some kind of impression, good or bad, to everyone that saw me. That whole scene; it really never appealed to me. I'd much rather sit and watch them instead of being in their midst.
So I kept my distance. To me; the barrier that separated us spoke clearly- he had his world and I had mine. But, to both my displeasure and excitement, he noticed me. At first I was a little frightened that he expected me to become something that I wasn't, but after those first conversations, I realized that he liked and appreciated me. Me-just the way I am.
And so began the time where I would discover the awful effects of popularity. No, I hadn't changed and become part of the in crowd; but as he and I became better friends, we spent more and more sleepless nights talking. About anything really. Friends, the stars, quiditch, family; just about anything under the sun. I think we even had a conversation about socks once. I know; strange, but that was what are whole friendship was-strange. But at the same time it felt so right.
So as I would sit there next to him talking; I learned more and more about how he lived his life-and why he did the things he did. He loved to party and loved to be the center of attention, although just as me; he loved to be on his own. He was actually very poetic now that I think about it. He hated the way girls flaunted their stuff when he was around to get his attention. He hated the way popular girls thought that they could get whatever they wanted. He loved his fellow marauders like brothers. Through him, I felt as though I had known Sirius, Remus, and Peter my entire life. And even though I told myself countless times that I wasn't falling in love with Him, deep down I knew it was inevitable.
Seeing James live his life the way he did was truly amazing. Even though he was extremely hot, was even the centre of the in crowd, he was, through and through, James. He thought what he wanted to think and didn't care about anything else. He had more compassion than I had ever seen, and I'm sure that that deep compassion changed me, and how I thought. Not only what I thought of everyone else, but how I thought of myself.
So, as we became even closer than friends, I no longer felt that I needed to be someone. I didn't need to be the bookworm if I didn't want to be. I didn't have to change and be a slutty popular girl. I could just be Me. However I wanted to be. Eventually our friendship was; I guess, thrown out of the closet when he proposed at Christmas our 7th year. And by then I had known him long enough to know that if I did nothing else on earth, I wanted to live the rest of my life the way that he had always lived his- totally free of all those ropes that had tied me up. And I wanted to do it as Mrs. James Potter.