Where are you, Christmas?
Finn can't come home for Christmas. Rachel just can't get into the spirit of the holiday because he's away. She just wants him here, for her, their children and their families. This story is based on a song with the same title, by Faith Hill.
Disclaimer: All rights belong to the writers, producers and creators of Glee and the Glee characters. The song belongs to the singer/songwriter. This is for entertainment purposes only.
Chapter One
Rachel looked up and saw that Ana was running toward a gray-haired man who was accompanied by a smiling brown-haired woman. The man smiled and reached down to gather the little girl up into his arms. Amanda, seeing her older sister run to these strangers, clung tighter to her mother as Rachel reached the couple.
"Hi Carol, Burt," Rachel said, smiling at her in-laws.
"Oh, Rachel," Carol said, reaching out to hug her daughter-in-law. Pulling away, she looked over at the tiny little girl who had her face buried in her mother's neck. She reached and ruffled the messy brown hair of her youngest granddaughter that looked so much like her son's. "Oh you, little Missy, you don't remember your Nana? I just saw you a couple of months ago."
Rachel laughed, "She's my shy one, like her Daddy." She turned and kissed Amanda on the forehead. "Mandi, you remember Nana, don't you?" Nodding her head slightly up and down, she never removed her thumb from her mouth as she continued staring tentatively at Carol and Burt.
After gathering their luggage, Rachel and the girls settled into the back seat for the short ride to the Hudson/Hummel home in the nearby town of Cornelius, North Carolina, about a 20 minute ride. The adults chatted briefly about the flight from Denver, work and plans for the next few days. Before she knew it, they arrived at the large lakeside colonial home.
Rachel had always loved coming here since she and Finn began dating when he was 16 and she was 15. It was so warm and always inviting. The huge columns at the entrance was decorated with lights. There was a huge Christmas wreath on the front door.
Entering the foyer, Rachel was met with the smells of the Hudson/Hummel Christmas that she remembered from years past. A large, beautifully decorated tree stood in the corner next to the large stone fireplace. There were stockings hanging from the mantle with her and her small family's names on them. She felt a pulling at her heart as she saw her husband's name on one of the stockings.
She smiled, her eyes misting as she remembered Finn always eating the candy canes out of his stocking days before Christmas. He loved Christmas and taught her to love it, also.
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
After greeting Finn's brother Kurt and his husband, Blaine, Carole took Ana and Amanda, along with Kurt's 4 year old son, Alex into the kitchen to feed them lunch. Rachel sat on the love seat and as Carol and Burt disappeared into the kitchen with the children.
"So, Rachel, did you have a good flight?" asked Kurt, who was pouring potpourri into a decorative bowl.
"Yeah," she answered as she lay back against the cushions. "The girls were hyper during the flight but once we started circling Charlotte/Douglas, that's when they decided to settle down."
"Same with Alex," said Blaine. "He bugged the crap out of us all week about coming here."
"Yeah," added Kurt, "He missed his cousins. Wow, Rachel. We haven't seen you since, when? Last summer right before….." Kurt stopped himself when he saw the sad look on Rachel's face.
"Kurt, it's okay. Finn's in Japan. He can't make it home. I'm sad but you can still talk about him. I'm going to miss him whether you talk about him or not."
"Well, we are going to make sure this is a nice Christmas for Mom and Dad, and the kids of course. I hate that big lug can't join us but you'll be alright." Rachel smiled back at the couple.
"Well, Burt and Carole have the kids. I'm going upstairs and unpack, okay?" Rachel said, rising to her feet. I'm not very hungry but I'll probably get something later on." She leaned down and kissed Kurt and Blaine on the cheek and then turned and headed upstairs.
Kurt and Blaine watched her as she disappeared upstairs. "It's just so odd seeing her without Finn." Blaine nodded in agreement. "And the poor thing, she's trying to put on a brave front but her little smile doesn't reach her eyes."
He laid his head on Blaine's shoulder and closed his eyes. "I hate he couldn't come home for Christmas."
"Yeah," replied Blaine, "not like he didn't try, though. Just wasn't his turn. All the years I've known those two, kinda crazy seeing one without the other here."
Kurt nodded his head in agreement, then placing his hand on Blaine's knee, "Well, she'll get better. We are going shopping tomorrow, making cookies and then tomorrow night, caroling! It'll be fun. She'll eventually get into the spirit."
Rachel placed her luggage on the bed and opened it. The girls were sleeping in the guest bedroom with Alex. Rachel always slept in Finn's old room when she was here. Looking around, she couldn't stop the tears that started forming. Frustrated, she sat on the bed and pulled out her phone to text Finn:
"We arrived safely. I'm in your old room. Girls downstairs with your Mom. Miss you sooo much, baby."
She then set her phone down. She didn't know when he would respond. He was stationed at Kadena Air Force Base in Japan and the time difference was a problem for them since he had been there.
"Rachel? Honey can I come in?" asked carol. Rachel was lying across the bed, trying desperately to wipe away the traces and evidence of her crying from her mother in law.
Rising up she answered, "sure. Come in?" Carol immediately saw that Rachel had been crying. She sat on the side of the bed, signaling for Rachel to lay her head on her lap.
Stroking her hair as she had seen her son do dozens of times, she tried to soothe her. "Oh Rachel. It will be okay."
"I know Carol but it hurts so bad. We haven't been apart for Christmas in a long time. And I know Christmas is Finn's favorite time of the year. I….I miss him so much." She then just let the tears flow.
"Honey you know he would be here if he could."
"I know, I know." Rachel answered sniffling. "Where are the girls?"
Carol laughed. "Well, they had wrestling match with Burt and now Kurt's giving them a bath while Blaine is bathing Alex. Burt's finishing up the dishes so I could come check on you."
"I'm sorry. I haven't been very good company but I couldn't hold it together any longer and didn't want the girls to see me like this. I want this visit to be fun for them, even though their Daddy can't be here."
This just started a fresh batch of tears to flow.
"Shh." said Carol, pulling herself up to the head of the bed. "Come here." She gathered Rachel in her arms and she laid on her shoulder. "How long is Finn going to be stationed in Japan?"
"Well, he left 6 months ago and I believe he said 2 years. We flew over there in October for 5 days but …but it's Christmas and…and the girls ask about him and….and being here is…" Rachel couldn't finish as a new batch of tears started.
"I know, I know. I miss him, too. Have you talked to him?"
"I texted him earlier to let him know we were here. I haven't heard back but he's probably busy but he'll answer back when he can."
"Good. And don't you face-time?"
"Yes, he usually tries to call before the girls go to sleep at least once a week. With the 14 hour difference, sometimes it's hard." Rachel looks around the room with a smile. "There are so many memories here."
"I remember when he first met you back in the 10th grade. It was Rachel said this, Rachel thinks this. He had the brightest smile on his face every time he talked about you. I knew it wouldn't be long before you two would start dating."
Rachel laughed. "I bet my Dads would say the same thing. I just couldn't believe that Mr. Popular Finn Hudson wanted to spend time with me."
"Yeah, he had all of these girls calling him, trying to be friends with Kurt to get next to Finn. Lord knows I found notes in his pockets when I did his laundry. He would just throw them in the trash. Until you, Finn never really spent time with one particular girl. He would more like group date, going out with Puck, Mike and Matt."
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Well, at school, they were all over him. My husband is a very handsome man. Always has been and he just gets better with age."
Carol laughed. "Well, you're a beautiful woman. I remember the first time he brought you home for dinner. You were this little shy thing that clung to my son like a lifeline when we first were introduced to you. I thought you were so pretty and the way my son looked at you, I knew."
Rachel looked up at her, "Knew what?"
"I knew that my son loved you and would for a long, long time. He loves you so much. You and those girls are his life. That's why he works hard. For you three. He wants you to be happy."
"Oh, I am. He makes me happy. He is the love of my life. Those two girls in there? They are the products of that love. When Finn first joined the Air Force, it was hard. But we made the decision together. I went off to college in Georgia and he to pursue his dream. I will never regret that. It's just, I just wish he was here now."
"I know. We all miss him. But he's safe and I'm sure he'll call and…."
Carol sat up on the side of the bed. "Meantime, go and wash your face. There are two little girls waiting for their Mommy to come and tuck them in. OK,?"
"You're right, Carol," Rachel said, smiling slightly as she headed into the in-suite bathroom.
"Okay, girls. Mommy had to unpack and put on her PJ's. Now, let's say goodnight." Rachel said as she carried Amanda while clasping Ana's hand. "Are you coming Alex?"
Kurt and Blaine kissed their son goodnight as he followed Rachel upstairs to the guest bedroom. After tucking the three kids in, she sat on the side of the bed.
"Mommy," said Amanda. "Sing. Sing pretty, Mommy."
"Yeah," agreed Ana. "Sing so Daddy can hear you all the way across the water." Rachel smiled in spite of the longing that remained in her chest.
"Okay, one verse and then it's lights out. We have a busy day shopping tomorrow." Just as she finished a verse of "Silent Night" and as she stepped into the hallway, she heard her phone ringing that was in her robe pocket. Grabbing it, she saw the picture of her husband flash.
Answering it quickly she smiled, "Hello?"
"Hi, Baby," said Finn in a low, affectionate voice. "I got your text. I miss you, too. But, are the three of you settled in?"
"Yea," Rachel said. "Kurt, Blaine and Alex were here already. The girls had a wrestling match with Burt and I think he wore them and himself out," she smiled.
"I bet," laughed Finn. "Are the girls still up?"
"Yes, I just stepped out of their room. Hold on." Turning, she walked back into the kids' room.
"Did you forget something, Mommie?" asked Ana.
Rachel reached down and pinched her dimpled jaw gently. "No, but someone on my phone wants to talk to two little Hudson girls."
"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" both girls shouted. Rachel then handed the phone to them and watched as her daughters squealed and giggled through a short conversation with their Daddy.
After saying a final goodnight to them and Alex, Rachel took the phone and headed toward her bedroom after turning out the lights in the kids' room.
"And how are you doing, Babe?" asked Finn.
Rachel sighed and fought hard to keep her voice from quivering. "I'm doing okay," she said softly. But Finn picked up on her sadness.
"Oh, Rach, please don't be sad. Honey, you're there with the girls, and Kurt and Blaine. And I'm sure Burt and Mom are spoiling all of you."
She smiled as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Yes, they are. But it's hard, Finn. This is the first time in a long time that you haven't been here and the girls keep asking about you. Mandi even said she hoped Santa knows how to get to Japam so you can get lots of prezcents." They both laughed. "How are things over there?"
"Busy. Very busy. Training these many troops is quite a task, especially since we just got training on these new planes last year. But, keeps me from missing you and the girls so much. Well, at least until nighttime."
Rachel pulled in a shaky breath. "That's when it's the hardest for me too. At night…. when the girls are all tucked in…. and the house is quiet. I need my big ol' warm Finn pillow to cuddle up to."
"I know, I know. I lay in my bed and stare at your picture. Then I close my eyes and I can almost smell your shampoo. I imagine the feel of your thick, silky hair, the touch of you, the smoothness of your skin."
"Me too, Finn. During the day, with the girls and work I stay pretty busy. But after the girls are alseep, and I'm laying in our bed, I can still smile your cologne. I remember how you and only you know where and how to touch me and turn me jelly. And those dimples and those eyes that I have loved since the day I met you 14 years ago."
"Rachel," moaned Finn. We can do this. We've done it before." Clearing his throat, he continued. "Let's talk about something else. I have about 5 more minutes left on my break. How's Mom and Burt doing?"
Rachel gave him a rundown of their day and plans for the next few days. Soon it was time for him to hang up. Taking a deep breath to resolve herself, she started her goodbye. "So, I'll talk to you soon, okay? Gotta get my rest. Kurt's taking us all shopping tomorrow and with him and the kids it's going to be long day," she giggled.
Finn chuckled, "Good luck with that. Kurt and 3 super charged kids at the mall? I don't envy you." There was a brief silence. "I gotta go, Rach. Kiss the girls for me. Tell Mom I'll talk to her next time."
Starting to tear up again, she took a deep breath. "Okay, I will. So this is goodbye," she said in a shaky voice.
"Not goodbye, baby. Just goodnight. Please don't cry, Rach. It's hard but you're strong. And I promise we'll see each other soon. Okay? I love you, so much."
"Okay. I love you too, Finn. And I'll be fine. Stay safe and don't worry about us. Goodnight and talk with you soon." She then forced herself to disconnect the call.
Setting her phone on the nightstand, she turned out the light. Pulling up the covers around her, she soon fell asleep from exhaustion.