Only in a universe with Stargates, only in the Pegasus galaxy, and only the one John Sheppard could get himself kidnapped while taking a piss on an alien world. And it wasn't just normal hostile aliens, or Goa'uld, or Wraith, or even Genii. No, only John Sheppard could go piss…and be kidnapped by a pack of werewolves.
They weren't werewolves, per se, but it was a close enough approximation that Rodney didn't care what the aliens called themselves. At least it wasn't the only pack, as the village leader had calmly explained that yes, all people of the planet were lycanthropes. It was a gift from the ancestors and it allowed their civilization to hide whenever the Wraith came to cull. Rather than the uncontrollable monsters of Earth's mythology, these lycanthropes rarely shifted to hybrid form, even during a full moon. Instead, they preferred to remain either human, or shift completely to a wolf form.
Despite the fact that they had survived relatively unmolested by the Wraith, the world was not unified. According to the leader, there were a number of different packs, some of them sub-groups that had joined forces, and others that were completely rogue. Since his pack was at the "alpha" status and had declared that the Atlantian visitors be unharmed, it was probably one of the rogues. And of course, they wouldn't be interested in Rodney, oh no. They weren't even interested in Teyla or Ronon--who could pass as one of the lycanthropes in human form even.
They wanted, and they took, John Sheppard.
The leader had offered to help track them, but Teyla declined and they followed Ronon, who immediately caught John's trail (it wasn't very difficult to miss the starting point, as the place reeked of urine--according to Rodney, Ronon and Teyla simply rolled their eyes). Rodney had almost opted to go back to the Stargate and ask Zelenka to make silver bullets, but then decided Ronon's energy gun would be more than ample. And if not, he was willing to put money on Teyla's sticks crushing a few lycanthrope skulls. After all, John was a hostage, and they were probably going to have to fight their way out.
That was the reasoning, until they got to the clearing the rogue pact had decided to stop in. There was no immediate sign of the Colonel, but that wasn't what caused Rodney's jaw to fall open and stare. Approximately twenty wolves were in the clearing, and they were, for lack of a better term, having an orgy. A gay orgy, he finally realized when he got a clearer look at them. He couldn't see a single female in the lot.
"Do you see the Colonel?" Teyla cautiously started walking around the edge of the trees, trying to spot their team leader.
"No." Ronon had his weapon drawn and was doing the same in the other direction. "McKay?"
Rodney was still staring, but his eyes finally settled on what had to be the alpha male of the pack. He wasn't sure what it was, perhaps the cautious way the other wolves were avoiding entering the personal space around it, but it was definitely the leader. And even as a wolf, dark fur sticking out in all directions, there was no mistaking the uncontrollable hair just on the head of the wolf the alpha male was claiming.
Rodney had spotted John.
Before either Teyla or Ronon realized what was happening, Rodney stormed into the clearing, ignoring the other wolves. "Sheppard you son of a BITCH!" He upholstered his gun, brought it sharply above his head, and fired it twice. The reaction was instantaneous. The wolves uncoupled with each other and bolted in various directions. All, that is, save for the one that was currently on John's back.
The alpha male didn't move, simply stared up at Rodney while John insufferably (at least, in Rodney's mind) continued to pant and grin and enjoy the paused sex. Then the alpha male bared his teeth, growling. In response, Rodney did the same, only his growl was more feral, akin to a cat. A very pissed off cat. They continued this way, until Rodney brought his gun down and aimed it straight at the male's head.
The alpha male pulled out, slinked away a few steps, then let out a harsh bark and ran off. John whined and rolled onto his back, the smile gone and a pleading look thrown towards Rodney. His state of arousal was very obvious, and Rodney was somewhere between incredibly disturbed that he was finding this a wee bit sexy, and shooting the god damned man at just the right angle to neuter him.
"If you even think I'm going to touch you…you…you're lucky I'm even speaking to you! You get kidnapped, we get completely worried about how they're going to make you their next meal, and then we find out you not only turned into a lycanthrope, but you were having SEX!" He holstered his gun. "You're Kirk even when you're a dog, and that's just…wrong!"
John rolled back to his feet, barked, and jumped up, resting his forepaws on Rodney's chest. Rodney sputtered, then he felt what John's lower half was doing. "Oh no!" He took out the life-signs detector and hit John a little harder than necessary on the nose. It had the desired response, though, as John backed off, looking enraged and a little hurt. "Forget it! Cat person, remember? I despise dogs! I'm allergic to half the breeds out there, and I haven't forgotten the last five minutes! If you wanna get off on something that's hairy and growls, go hump Ronon!"
Ronon snorted, but didn't look all that opposed to the idea. At least, not until John jumped over to him and began trying to get off. "Ugh!"
A second later, John let out a yelp as he was grabbed roughly by the scruff of his neck, hauled off the runner, and shoved to the side. "You're just a big slut! GOD, I can't believe I fell in love with you!" Rodney pointed to Ronon and Teyla. "You and you, get back to the village and find out if there's a damn cure! And you!" Rodney turned to John, who was sitting with a puppy pout that was adorable, but had no affect on Rodney; cat person, after all.
"You and I are going to the Gate and we're going back to Atlantis and you're getting a flea dip!" Any trace of sexual arousal vanished at those two words, the pout did as well, and John was staring at Rodney with something akin to doggy horror…five seconds before he turned and bolted.
Ten seconds later, John was lying on the ground whimpering and Rodney gave Ronon a smirk. "Thank you. Got a leash?" John whined louder. "Oh no, Colonel. I'm gonna make sure you're embarrassed as hell over this! And when you're back to normal and no longer have little parasites living in your hair, maybe I'll forgive you for being a total asshole and forgetting about last night for some piece of tail!"
John's ears perked up, even as Teyla tied the collar closed (made from some spare leather strips she had, and no, Rodney was not going to ask why she carried them around). The grin was back, along with a little sparkle in the eyes.
"No, forgive does not equate to sex. Get your mind out of the--oh God you LIKE the leash? You like the leash! You…you…" Rodney made a strangled noise, gripped the hand hold tighter, and pointed with his free hand stiffly. "March! Gate! NOW!"
Still smirking, John stood and did as ordered, shaking off the last effects from Ronon's energy weapon. Rodney followed, eventually muttering under his breath about Captain Kirk and bestiality. Teyla simply sighed through her nose, and Ronon looked at his pant leg, picking at the leather almost disgustedly.
Yes, most definitely, this could only happen in the Pegasus galaxy.