Remus opened his eyes.
He was in a white empty nothingness. There was clearly a floor though. He was lying on something, and he was still in his filthy robes.
It was a pity; he'd rather be in pyjamas.
The thought had barely formed, and he found himself in soft flanellette. Maroon plaid with navy blue. Socks and slippers appeared on his feet.
Oh dear, he thought vaguely, I suppose this means I'm dead.
Oh.
Will they be here?
Where are they?
…is there some other place?
"You're such a home body!" said Dora beside him, wearing ripped overalls and a lurid t-shirt, "Dead, and you still want to take a nap!"
"Dora!"
You weren't supposed to die!
"Don't start," she said bluntly, "We knew this might happen. Question is, what now?"
"We don't have a lot of time," said a familiar voice from behind him. Dora launched herself up, leaping barefoot over his legs and stumbling.
"Dad!"
Remus turned to look.
Ted Tonks had his big square hands held out to ward her off with magic.
"Sorry, love, you can't touch me, it doesn't work like that."
"Doesn't work like what?" she said crossly, lunging at him, "Gotta be some perks to being murdered!"
He chuckled.
"There's been a complication," he said, turning his gaze to something past Dora's shoulder.
It was difficult to see in this all-white nothing place. Remus blinked. He could just make out the faint outlines of him- no, wait, them. The Grey Lady was there too, her face buried in Nearly-Headless Nick's shoulder. Helena Ravenclaw. The name came to him from nowhere.
"I forgot," said Nick plaintively, "It was a moment of sheer panic. I can only apologise. We'll just be heading back now,"
"That is no longer your decision," said Ted, "And we don't have much time. Do you remember what you did?"
Remus stood up, not sure that he'd done anything worth remembering recently. A lot of white-knuckled duelling, but there wasn't anything particular about that. They'd all been caught in it. Dora slipped her hand into his and stuck her tongue out at him. He smiled.
"Nick shouted at me," said Helena, lifting her ghostly face, "Said they had a baby. I didn't think, I just… I could see they were going to die…"
"We were trying to distract their opponents," said Nick, "As you can see, it didn't work!"
Ted gave them a sombre look.
"You both ran straight into the line of fire," he said, "With the intention of blocking the spell blasts. Very unusual for ghosts."
The blurry shapes of Nick and Helena shifted in front of them, like the quivering of heat off the desert.
"Didn't mean to-"
"It was an accident!"
"No, it wasn't," said Ted quietly, "You were both very brave. You were, for the first time, willing to die."
"Now, listen here," said Nick importantly, "We're already dead!"
"That is a very pertinent point," said Ted, and Remus could see a faint smile in his eyes, "And it's the strangest combination really, because here we have two people," He gestured to Nick and Helena, "Who have always been terrified of death; and two people," here he gestured to Remus and Dora, "Who have always been terrified of living,"
Remus felt Dora's exasperation before she spoke.
"Dad, that's ridiculous-"
"Dora, you ran away from life so many times as a child we lost count; put us through absolute hell during your teens; and you can hardly call a career as an Auror a risk-averse choice."
"And you married me," put in Remus, feeling that old familiar twinge of guilt, "Which you know was a dangerous decision,"
Ted rolled his eyes.
"Son, would you give it a rest? She loves you, try not to be a dick about it."
Well that's me told!
"As touching as this family reunion is, we really had better be going," said Nick, sounding increasingly antsy.
"Not yet," said Ted, "They have to decide."
Oh god. Decide what exactly? Why does this seem like it's going to be something truly horrible? Can't we just be peacefully dead? In pyjamas and fluffy slippers? I could see Sirius, and James and Lily. Can't we just-
"See the thing is, this is unprecedented. It should have been instant death for both of you. It still could be."
The sickly feeling that had started in the pit of his stomach grew. Whatever it was, it wasn't good. Dora was hugging his arm and shivering slightly. It wasn't cold. It was just that look of absolute seriousness in Ted's face. He normally had a light-hearted, jovial, Hufflepuff sort of a look about him, with his sandy hair and his tummy, and his comfortable jeans.
"What are you saying, Dad?" It came out as a whisper. Remus put his arm around her and pulled her in close, tucking his nose into her bubblegum pink hair.
"It's like this. The laws of magic only demand two complete deaths here. But there are at least four of you, excluding the wolf part of Remus, because it's unclear if it constitutes an additional part-life or not. And this is where it gets complicated, because on top of that, ghosts are not complete beings-"
"Excuse me!"
"Come now Nick, you know it's true. So what that means-"
"I'll go," said Remus quickly, as understanding hit him with blinding pain, like an instant migraine.
"No! It has to be me-"
"It can't be Dora, he needs you-
"He needs both of you," rumbled Ted disapprovingly, "If by he, you mean your son. And if by he, you mean Harry, he also needs you, and so do all the other people in your lives. Good god, how do you think Dromeda is going to cope without you?"
An excellent point, Ted.
It has to be me.
"I have fewer people, Dora, you have to go back-"
"I c-can't, Remus, I-" She was panicky and clinging now, hair brown and limp, t-shirt fading to grey, reverting to the version of herself that couldn't cope with life.
"We have to reach a consensus, and we don't have a lot of time!" Ted was starting to sound impatient, "So you have to stop with this Romeo and Juliet nonsense and listen. You can both be dead now, over in an instant, or you can both live."
There was a pause while they took this in.
"Uh… yep, that one. That one, Dad, why are we even discussing-"
"Because you might die."
"Oh lordy, here we go."
"You were both hit by killing spells. Nick and Helena, as ghosts, are not substantial enough to absorb all of that magic. If you go back, you will both be very close to death. I don't know whether you will live or die. That will depend on how quickly you are found and treated, and even then, I can't say for sure. What I do know is that if you return, it will be painful, and cruel, and there are no guarantees."
There is an obvious answer here.
"If Dora goes back alone-"
"No! Remus, you bastard, you-"
"If Dora goes back alone, are her chances of survival doubled?"
Ted gave him a grim smile.
"Possibly. But I can't see her agreeing to that, can you?"
Remus gazed down at her. Her face was scrunched with powerful emotion, and her hair was still brown, but streaked through with blue and orange. He wasn't sure if she was furious or scared. Perhaps both.
"Teddy needs-"
"If you dare pull that 'kids need their mums' shit with me, Remus, I swear I'll, I'll, force you to go back without me! See how you like being a single parent!"
"You have a viable career, and you're not an outcast, Dora, he's got the best chance with you, it makes sense-"
"You coward!"
He hated that word. It made his blood run cold. He hated it most especially from her.
"Don't-"
"Well it is cowardly!" she said, stomping her bare foot on the white nothing, "You're so scared you might hurt someone, you're going to turn down a chance to raise your son! That's pathetic, Remus, and you know it! Gryffindor, my arse!"
"So why are you turning it down?" he demanded, nettled, "Surely the best thing for Teddy is to have the best chance of having at least one parent-"
"Were you planning on dying on me?!" Her voice echoed, shrill and frantic, and more terrible than anything he'd ever heard before. It seared through his ears, punishingly sharp. Even the ghosts winced and clapped their foggy hands to their heads.
There was no possible answer to that question that he could give her. He hadn't scheduled it. It was just… everyone dies at some point.
She was blazing at him now, hair actual fire. Steam trickled from her ears.
He glanced at Ted. He had his arms folded and was looking grim.
"Right." Dora said, quivering with rage, "Right, here's the deal. We both go back- or we both die. You choose."
"Dora-"
"No! You think you can get out of being married to me that easily, Remus Lupin, you're dead wrong. I am not letting go of you without a fight, and don't you dare point out that pun, it was unintentional!"
Tears glinted in her eyes.
Oh god, Dora. Don't make this harder!
"Dora," he said gently, hands on her shoulders, "Don't you see-"
"Excuse me, m'boy!" Nick had wafted over to them, "I'm not one to interrupt a touching, self-sacrificing speech- though I don't know why you're so set on being sacrificed- but it's sounding very much like we don't get to go back either way!" He cast Ted a disgusted glance, "And if that's the case, then I shan't take it very well if you go throwing your life away when I tried so hard to save it! I mean look! Her head is on fire! If I had a chance at a nice long life with passionate girl, well! I wouldn't turn that down! Where's your sense of adventure!"
"Why die?" Added Helena, "When you don't have to?"
How annoying.
"Because she's got a better chance of survival without me." He couldn't help himself- he was trying to stay calm, but this was just too much.
"Does she?" asked Helena gently, casting a dubious look at Dora. "She doesn't look very strong."
"I beg your pardon-"
"Goddammit Remus! Don't go all formal and aloof and pretend you don't know what she means! Depression is not a thing that just goes away because your husband dies, like an idiot, when there's a good chance he could live! And you know it, because let's not pretend you're the most cheerful, chipper, happy-go-lucky bloke, I know you've just been waiting to get killed off, waiting for a chance to go hang out with your mates, bail on me again-"
"That's not fair, Dora, I-"
"There's no time!" rumbled Ted, slightly red in the face with effort. "How's this: Remus, your vote is for Dora; Dora, you seem to be refusing to go anywhere without Remus. Would it help at all if you both choose to live so you both get your way?"
"But Dad-"
"Ted, really-"
"If you don't choose right now you will both be dead by default, there isn't time."
Remus glanced back at Dora.
"We'll live," she said, glaring at him, "Don't you bloody die on me when we get back,"
"Remus?"
He nodded.
"We'll live."
"Praise be! I'll see you both later- much later, with any luck,"
"Oh Dad-"
"Living is harder than dying, Dora, and much more interesting,"
"Why does that sound so ominous?" Remus murmured, as the white nothingness grew more intense.
"Do we have to pass on?" He heard Nick ask, indignant and melancholic and the nothingness faded into swamping, all-encompassing paralysis.
*.*.*
He was dying.
There was a numbness he couldn't identify. Probably pain that hadn't registered yet.
He felt floaty and heavy at the same time. Propped up against something.
Breathing was wrong. There was a gurgle he couldn't identify. And whizzing sounds, and cracks, and shouting and-
The battle isn't over… we're still going to die…
Dora!
He tried to work out how to open his eyes, crack them open, see her one last time…
Sprawled.
Unconscious, blood on her face.
Oh god.
He stared at her, under leaden eyelids, Dora, the woman who loved him despite everything, despite all of it-
She's still breathing.
And so are you. Stay conscious. Get help.
Find a wand.
Thundering footsteps on the stone, robes sweeping past, flashes of green light.
…and try to look dead. You have to live long enough to save her…
The corridor was empty.
Now.
It would be easier to let go. So much easier just to let the black spots swimming in front of his eyes become a blanket of darkness.
Dora.
He threw as much as he could summon into it, and managed to collapse onto his side, fingertips reaching for her wand.
Now what.
Need more time.
More… time…
Stasis.
Won't work.
Might work.
Better than nothing.
Try it.
He tried to spit out whatever was clogging his mouth, fingertips touching her wand.
Stasis.
Like a loaf of bread, or a piece of chicken. He was good at food preservation spells. He'd had to be.
Dora.
The wand scraped on the stone as he dragged it close enough to grip. His fingers weren't working properly.
Stasis!
The magic burnt through his wrecked body. Her hair fluttered with impact.
Dora.
I tried, Dora.
Dots swam in front of his eyes again, bigger now, threatening to block out the light.
I'm done-
Live, you bastard!
Alright, Dora, I'll try-
He tried to turn the wand around, point it to himself, cast again-
But the world was slipping away, he couldn't focus, it was all so….
*.*.*
He woke up in a hospital bed in excruciating pain. He couldn't move, and someone was moaning piteously.
Dora!
"She's regrowing her uterus." Poppy Pomfrey's firm hands pushed him back into the pillows, "And most of her other organs as well, but it'll be the uterus that's causing the trouble. They're painful at the best of times."
Pain.
It hit in a vicious wave, sweeping through like scimitars.
He heard more noises through the deafening feeling of bones regrowing, organs regenerating, tissue healing…
"Yes, and that'll be your insides as well. Try to lie still,"
He passed out.
*.*.*
"Do we know who put the stasis on her yet? Weird thing to do."
"It saved her life, Ron, it's not that weird-"
"Yeah, but I mean, who thinks of that?"
"Well, someone did."
"Why didn't they do him too?"
"I don't know."
Silence.
Blissful silence.
"I'm mad at him."
"He's half-dead, Harry, be reasonable,"
"That's why I'm mad at him. What was he doing, turning up like that? He could be dead- they both could be dead- what about Teddy?!"
Teddy?!
"…Deddhee…"
Croaking.
A great rustling sound, and some thumps.
"Professor? Remus, I mean? Are you awake?"
What?
Oh.
Still alive.
"… Dh'ra…?"
His own voice. Raw.
His mouth felt… wrong.
Teeth?
He tried again to open his eyes. It was far too bright.
I remember.
Dead.
I am dead after all.
Oh well.
"She's sleeping, sir, and Pomfrey says we're not to wake her,"
"But she's going to be fine!"
"Mhh?"
Not dead?
He blinked against the bright light, and faces swam into view.
"H'ree,"
"I'm here," such a serious voice on one so young, "We won. He's gone."
"Mhhh…"
"Madam Pomfrey! He's passing out again…"
*.*.*
Everything hurt.
He groaned.
"Oh look, Ted, daddy's awake! Remus, you bastard, you're scaring everyone, wake up properly, and drink your damn potion!"
"Gnnnn?"
"Full moon tonight, you idiot, and if the wolf gets violent who knows what it'll do to you! You've nearly died five times this week already,"
He let out an exhausted breath.
"…currrse…"
"That curse might've saved your life, you arsehole, and mine too, I think- don't you dare pass out on me again!"
Dora.
It made him smile.
He forced his eyes open again, waiting for focus to return. Hogwarts' hospital wing, bathed in the golden light of late afternoon, much messier than he remembered it… discarded coats and blankets, empty mugs, a small pile of books, a big basket of knitting... evidence of hoards of people… but there was no one in the beds to either side of him…
Only Dora, beside him, in an armchair, just out of reach.
She looked somehow terrified and relieved at the same time. It was the slant of her eyebrows, he decided, that was what it was. She was wearing an oversized quidditch jumper and a pair of his flannelette pyjama pants, like the ones he'd worn when they were both dead, and mismatched socks. Colour seemed to be starting at her temples, green and pink, dusky and faint.
Teddy slept peacefully on her front. Tiny. Fragile. Strong.
He felt a surge of something very powerful and very painful. It was huge and inarticulate and heady. A raw combination of love, and guilt, and panic, and relief, and so many things all rolled into one and it interrupted his breathing somehow and he had to stamp on the feeling, drown it out by focusing on making his lungs work.
"Don't you dare stop breathing!"
He could tell, from the way she was berating him, and the way she was sitting, still and slumped back in the chair, Teddy supported by her torso as much as her arms, that she was still healing. Not herself. Holding it together.
Just.
He got his breath back, and closed his eyes. He couldn't look at her and Ted and feel all those things at once… but he had to keep her from worrying, because he was alright really, just… well, he wasn't really alright…
Keep insulting me.
Please don't stop, god, I need to know you're well enough to insult me and I'm well enough to be insulted…
"…insult..." he mumbled, hoping she would understand.
"Damn right, I'm insulting you, and you better get used to it, you're not going anywhere- stop smirking at me and stay awake!"
"S'ok, Dora, mmm'hwake," He forced his eyes back open and let his gaze rest somewhere between the top of Ted's feathery head and Dora's collarbone.
"Bloody hope so. Poppy?"
Rustling, bustling…
"Up you go, dear,"
The world swam as he was somehow pushed up into a sitting position and held firmly. The smell of antiseptic and soap stung his nose.
"Drink up,"
He tried to lift his hand to take the cup himself and discovered he could move his limbs a few inches in any direction, but it was like moving through treacle.
Restraints. Of course.
"We weren't sure if you'd wake up in time," said Poppy briskly, "It seemed the safest option. Head back,"
Remus let his head fall back in that slow treacly way and did his best to swallow the sludgey bitter potion. It tasted of green things and dirt and something horrible but indistinct. He tried not to cough and splatter it everywhere.
There is no dignity in life.
"Thank you," He still felt groggy, but his head was starting to clear. He had his voice back at least. Also, his teeth. It still felt odd, but he seemed to be regaining control of his tongue.
"Now, I promised Minerva I'd let her know. Tonks, dear, will you keep him talking? He seems lucid, and that's a good sign,"
She nodded mutely, and Poppy hurried off.
He waited for her to say something, but she seemed to be holding her breath now.
"Dora?"
She burst into tears and tried to stifle them immediately.
Thank god. She never cries in a disaster… we were dead and she joked about being murdered…
Oh.
Oh, we're…
We're… we're not going to die… not yet anyway!
"Don't stop," Life was beginning to hit him in flashes of feeling and memory, "It's strangely encouraging to see you cradling our son and weeping over my crumpled form- much more Romeo and Juliet than hurling insults- unimaginative ones, I might add,"
She froze, and more colour started to creep into her hair, streaks of magenta and forest green.
"I didn't imagine it." She said quietly. She let out a long breath and closed her eyes for a moment. "No-one has seen the ghosts, but then, it's been chaos here, so I wasn't sure… Remus…"
She gave up and just looked at him, trying to convey a universe of emotion.
He had to tamp down his own feelings abruptly. For the sake of his poor struggling lungs.
He was finding it hard to manage the shock waves of relief that Dora and Teddy were ok, and he was adjusting to the idea that he was alive, and perhaps would stay that way for a while… but the longer he was awake the more he could feel things, both the healing and the unhealed, and the start of the changes that would tear him apart again. The idea that he might be permanently crippled by this whole experience, rendered more useless in the eyes of the wizarding world, and dependent on Dora or the kindness of friends or strangers started to prey on his mind.
This could be even worse… what if- stop it.
Dora.
Before he could think of something reassuring to say- something unrelated to the horrible seeping gloom that was starting to wash through him, Poppy returned with Minerva, who was looking particularly strict and disapproving.
"Potter has informed me that your transformations are less arduous with company," she said abruptly.
"I-"
"I'll have no arguments from you, Remus Lupin." She glared at him, the glare amplified by her glasses.
He was on the verge of protesting that he didn't know what she was talking about, when she shifted into her cat form with a single fluid movement and leapt surefooted onto the bed. She continued glaring at him, tail twitching, and stalked up the bed to sit in the gap between his hand and his body.
He turned to Dora, unsure what to say- but then Minerva McGonagall was nudging his hand, demanding that he stroke her head and ears.
Dora gurgled with startled laughter.
Remus realised he'd lost control of his face, and grinned sheepishly, cautiously rubbing his fingertips behind McGonagall's ears. She leaned heavily into his hand.
This is really weird.
"I'm flattered, Minerva, but it's really far too risky for you to stay. I'm not well, and I don't know how this change is going to affect me-"
Dora snorted.
"Idiot. That's why she's staying. You think we're going to let you do this alone?"
As though on cue, the door to the hospital wing was thrown open and a bevy of impatient, anxious, pyjama-clad people barrelled through.
"Alright, Remus?"
"Good to see you're feeling better-"
"-what should we be watching out for, do you know if there's anything-"
"-trying to contact a magizoologist, just in case-
"-Hagrid's preparing a few things, dunno if it's a good idea, but, you know-"
"-brought you some chocolate-"
"-brought you some steak-"
"-been reading up but I can't find anything about it-"
Remus found he was having trouble breathing again. McGonagall helpfully stuck her claws into his wrist and he got it back under control.
So many people.
Teachers he'd worked with, students he'd taught. Old faces, new faces. Lots of Weasleys. His mother in law.
Good Godric.
I'm married. I have a baby.
Oh hell. I have a family.
How the blazes did that happen?!
He looked over at Dora.
She had an eyebrow quirked in an I-told-you-so-you-stupid-werewolf expression.
She loves you.
They all-
They all do.
He closed his eyes and focussed on breathing slowly.
"Remus?" Dora again, he could always hear her voice through a crowd, especially when there was worry laced through it.
He swallowed and opened his eyes again.
This was hard on her. He'd been ignoring that. She was wild and fun and loving, and it surprised him to realise that the hard part for her wasn't so much that she was still healing, it was that she couldn't clamber into bed with him and smother him with clumsy affection, and spill tea on the covers.
She loves you.
"Don't argue, we all-"
"I know," He said gently, "And I'm under strict instructions not to be a dick about it,"
Her hair lit up in alarming shades of marigold yellow, struck through with magenta, and she gave a startled yelp of laughter, causing Ted to shift in her arms, half-waking with a little baby sound of complaint.
Accept it.
Let them…
"I… I feel awful," he admitted awkwardly, "And I've no idea what this full moon will be like, so be it on your own heads… but… if you want to make a fuss… I've no objection,"
There was a momentary stillness in the room, and he thought perhaps he'd said the wrong thing, that it had come out sounding pathetic and desperate… that he'd made a mistake…
…but then Molly Weasley was plumping his pillows, and Pomona Sprout and Neville Longbottom were clearing space on the bedside table for a small forest of pot plants, and Ron Weasley was pouring chocolate frogs onto the bed, and everyone was crowding round all speaking at once, and Andromeda was lifting Teddy out of Dora's arms, and she came right up and perched beside him, and took his hand and fitted Teddy's little socked foot into it…
Remus found he could breathe just fine, provided he let the tears leak down his face at will.
Alive.