River Of Tears
SPLASH, she was dumped into the ice-cold water. She felt shivers pulsate through her body her brain throbbing. Who knew water could hurt so bad? Her training kicked in, holding her breathe the best she could and trying to break the chains. After a long time of fighting unconsciousness and living she fought like hell. Dragging herself of the emotionless river of death looking up at her family, she could see the dazed mixed with fear innocent faces looking at her pupils dilated. Was they hallucinating? Yaz was the first to run over to the innocent shaking women, her face fell paler, she couldn't tell whether she was crying or if it was the water? What's the point her heart tightened in pain. They needed to get to the TARDIS and leave yet they sit needed to stop the horrid things happening and what just happened to the light of her life. Yet if the place wasn't in history it would sort itself out.
She got to the shaking women she could tell the water was deadly yet her eyes told a different story. She looks like she was having a terrible nightmare she couldn't run away from. She got the Doctors coat and lightly placed in on her and hugged her transferring her heat. She wanted to say it was okay yet she didn't know what was happening expect the obvious. Ryan and Graham were shouting at the idiots still placing this as witchcraft. Like were they under Hecate's spell or something? She shook all the thoughts out of her head, she could fell the freezing women drifting away she couldn't let her, she would be gone forever.
"Ryan! Help me she's drifting we need to get to the TARDIS now!"
He just ran to them forgetting about everything and grabbing the Doctors waist and lifting her up gently in his arm, Yaz put her coat over keeping the heat in and not letting that drift away as well.
"Doctor keep your eyes open please!"
They could barely hear the mumble response sounding like a protest yet they could see her eyes slightly open and wince was she in pain? They didn't cover hypothermia in First Aid pity. All she could remember from watching TV is keeping her awake and alert. They were slightly hard as she was trying to talk yet all she could hear was screams of 'shes a witch' 'kill her' 'kill them'
She couldn't hear herself think.
"SHUT UP! She's dying she's not a witch the woman in question is just a traveller and someone who braves her own life to help you all yet what do you all do? Shove it all in her face like shes dirt. Just shut up. Graham were going hurry up lead to the TARDIS the cold taking over her. She reaching death." Her voice was loud and clear cutting through the tension atmosphere
She had tears in her eyes, her love and happiness was dying for protecting someone else protection what the hell was that about? She knew The Doctor kept her secrets everybody does yet it was drowning her as well.
They reached the TARDIS, searching through endless pocket of the doctors' coat finding the Sonic and shutting the door close.
Yaz had got the doctor to the bathroom helping her out of the cold and damp clothing helping her fragile small body into the shower, the doctor felt the warmth it didn't crash through the dozens of thoughts running through her brain she could fell her nerves pulsing around, her blood rushing. Like the sky was falling and she couldn't do anything. Just for a moment she thought back to her innocent planet is this what raw agony felt like? A knifing stabbing you in the back?
She felt the warmth of her tears leaving her dry eyes.
She was breaking
She was cold
She wanted to die.
She pulled away from Yazs' comfort and curled into a ball at the bottom of the shower the tears still running now shouting at Yaz, her face broke her into millions of pieces, to leave her die and leave her be.
But Yaz won't allow this to happen, calling the boys quickly nipping out of the bathroom with the door crept open so she could watch the innocent woman break.
"What is happening?" asked the youngest boy
"She asking to die, the pain in her eyes I have a feeling she wanted to die in that water and her body to float. This goes more than that pointless trail. I need your help; will you go to my room its just next door and look in the wardrobe for my fluffy pyjamas and fluffy socks? And then go to the console and let the TARDIS drift into space anywhere hopefully its telepathic enough to know her owner is badly hurt and she should have already done that. Graham can you make some hot chocolate and put some marshmallows on and then I bought a pack of custard creams in my room and bring here please?"
They both sadly nodded
Just then Yaz saw blood on Ryan's jacket
"Ryan you've got blood on you."
They all just looked "that's not from me, she must have caught herself and that's why she was wrapping her arms around herself."
"Right adding to that plan go to the medibay and grab some bandages and some pain relief. I really need to get back Ryan try be quick! Hypothermia is a bitch."
They all went their separate ways and she headed to the broken woman still crying yet she can see the red liquid flowing from her side like an ocean of blood.
She quickly went over and kneel over the tube trying to talk to her was the hardest part, how do you talk to someone who wants to end it all?
"Doctor look at me, please" she said softly still you could hear the pain in her voice yet she did look.
"You're not going to die, I will not let you. Okay because that feeling your feeling is guilt mixed fright. And I'm going to try my damn hardest to help. Because you're my love and light without you everything will be complete darkness and doom. I know you feel worthless and helpless and like no one wants you but..."
She didn't have time to say anything interrupted my a quite broken voice.
"I'm alone, everything I know dies. Why can't i?"
"Because you worth everything okay? You lost people I know but you travel in a dangerous universe, I seen you today I saw the tears in your eyes watching the innocent woman get dunked. You put your life in others hands. You'd step into a flying bullet to save a life! Can't you see? Your worth everything! To me you're my world my happiness and everything you can't give up now! Okay?" Even after that speech her voice was still forgiving and soothing.
"But right now, just let me help? Your bleeding I can see it flowing out."
She just looked straight at her like her eyes her begging for help yet her mouth wasn't corresponding.
They quickly got the blood washed off by that time Ryan brought the bandages first then went to find the rest. Yaz quickly applied the bandages on stopping the blood until they could get to the medibay so she could quickly stitch the wound up.
She heard a knock on the door, she smiled at the Doctor and went to look, standing there was Ryan with fluffy pjs and socks piled with a nightgown and a couple of packs of custard creams.
"Me and Graham found them as the TARDIS landed us in our house. Also, there's a hot chocolate on the bed stand curiosity of Graham, how is she doing?"
You could hear the worry in his voice laced with panic.
"She accepted help finally, shes breaking and hopefully she'll be better but everyone needs to help because this is something I've never thought, she is always full of joy and bubbles it's so different."
"She will be alright." He tried to comfort her.
"She wants to die, Ryan. Shes repeating that statement so much that I'm starting to believe that so no its not a little silly thing shes saying. Shes pushing the words into my head."
"If you love so much you will do anything. So, do everything, she would do it for you." And he quickly walked out, leaving the items on the bed.
She quickly got the Pjs and walked back in, looking the woman was stuck in a flashback and was trashing around that her wound was bleeding.
"Doctor" she grabbed her arms as lightly as she could to stop the movement.
"you are safe, I promise." "trust me your safe." Were the statements she was saying over and over again trying to get her to listen.
She stopped shaking and looked at her tears running again.
Yaz wipe them and had a sad smile on her face, she helped her into the pjs and fluffy socks.
Grabbing the nightgown and passing it to her softly. "Right do you want to get the medibay your wound needing fixing and ill get you some pain relief then you can decide what you want? But one thing. I love you. Please with your hearts remember that?"
"I love you too Yaz." She said quietly and kissed her cheek with all her energy she had and then passed out.
"RYAN! Get here now!" She dropped to her knees and felt for a heartbeats they were there beating strongly must be blood loss, she heard loud banging footsteps running to the room.
"What happened?"
"Blood loss, her wound needs stitching as I took a first aid course it included that."
They quickly ran to the medical room with the TARDIS lighting the way as if it was crying as well. They got to the room in which Ryan placed the doctors' flimsy body down, Yaz lifted her shirt to expose the problem she quietly thanked that she was asleep as the antiseptic wipe hurts. She cleaned the wound placing a fresh bandage over it so she doesn't catch it. As she was a clumsy kinda girl.
She put a line into her veins letting the blood flow into her body and helping her. Adding a heart monitor on as well. Thank God she'd watch Casualty one day really helped. She administered the pain relief hoping it help her heal.
She then walked quickly out to see the rest of team TARDIS, as she'd think the Doctor would be knocked out for a while, she found them in the kitchen eating something with tears in their eyes. This day was getting worse by every single minute. She sadly smiled and sat down.
"What's up with Doc?"
"I've finally got her to sleep for now, shes badly hurt. Mentally and physically."
Then all of a sudden, they heard a thud.
"I think shes awoke, that wasn't long." Ryan said quietly
"Yeah" Yaz sighed "You want to come? I think being frozen nearly to death is quite scary yet she has no idea how shes there and probably scared to death."
They all nodded and went with Yaz quickly but quietly coming up with a plan, they would sit on the other side of the room so she didn't feel pressured into anything. They slowly walk in, to see the innocent woman sat there with tears in her eyes. Nightmare?
Yaz walked over to her love. "Sweetie? What's wrong?"
"Scared."
Her heart broke into a million pieces, "What scaring you?"
"Sleep."
Now she was more than confused. She sat next to her and just hug her.
"I can't see their faces anymore. Hear screams for parents and children, love ones. The blazing of guns and bombs. My mistakes."
"You didn't do anything, that sounds like war."
"My home Gallifrey, there was a war and I ended it. It killed innocent people for nothing."
"You ended a war, you ended their endless suffering"
"I killed them"
"You saved them."
"how? I KILLED them 4.7 billion innocent children. Ended my own species in a second."
"Doctor you saved the suffering. Then would have died from evil. You killed them with grace and prayers."
Yaz added this up, she was suffering with PTSD and everything piled up. Her heart clenched with pain.
She just hugged her. "You've got visitors you've worried them quite a bit."
"m'sorry"
Graham and Ryan walked over, the older man taking her hand.
"Doc it's not your fault is it? You have done nothing wrong."
She mumbled something under her breathe sounding like she was against that idea.
"Doc stopped making things worse you've got yourself a pretty amazing girlfriend who'd move heaven and earth for you. Let her in?"
The doctor now had tears in her eyes, this was all too much her emotions were too powerful and the guilt was overflowing adding to the grieve, her head hurt too many variables for her to concentrate on anything, she bowed her head holding it in her tiny hands.
The boys decided she'd had enough to listen to and left her with Yaz who was trying to find the matter of the problem. She worked out that everything was crashing, she heard her breath increase the hearts monitor was going crazy, she was panicking creating a bubble of anxiety.
"Hey, calm down they've gone I promise. Just calm down, your hearts are going crazy."
She just hugged her hard this time, even though the Doctor was trying to escape this, she wouldn't let her leave her touch. This slowly calmed her down. She heard light breathing looking down she'd fallen asleep. Her body was warned out, she wanted to rest and sleep. But the memories came creeping in like an unwanted image. Her mistakes were slowly drowning her out.
Yaz quietly picked her up leaving the medical equipment and went to the purple sofa in the living room, sitting her down and grabbing the boys and a blanket.
"Do you want to watch something? She fell asleep, well I think her body gave up."
"Sure, what do you want to watch?" Asked the younger more awake boy
"Beauty and the Beast?" one of them suggested, with a sufficed nodded put the DVD on. Graham sitting on the rocking chair and Ryan on the other, leaving Yaz and The Doctor on the couch. Not that anyone minded she needed comfort from someone she knew and trusted with her life. As the movie was playing Yaz felt wriggles from the Doctors, catching the attention from the other two. "nightmares" she informed them, she stroked her arm, seeing that it calmed her down she was satisfied that she was more peaceful yet that was wrong the Doctor was awake listening the movie and crying silently hoping they wouldn't notice. She didn't deserve pity. She didn't deserve the love. She didn't deserve anything yet pain and grieve. She deserves that. She knew that. She moved a little bit looking like she was moving in her sleep but trying to get safer and more comfortable into Yazs' arms. Only thing she was crying with soaked Yazs' arm which she forgot and hoped she didn't feel it.
The Ryan caught the doctor crying and his heart sunk she didn't deserve this, no one deserved this amount of pain and suffering. "Yaz" he whispered, gently so he wouldn't catch the Doctor attention.
She looked at him confused "What?" she mouthed with a frown.
He just pointed at the broken woman.
She was crying
She was silently screaming
She was dying
She was giving up
"hey" Yaz nudged her slightly catching her attention, "what's wrong sweetie?" she said so nobody else would listen.
"I'm remembering." It didn't need anything else added to that.
"Do you want to go bed?"
She shook her violently, "guessing that was a no? Are the memories worse there?"
"yes, they crept in quickly"
"Well the TARDIS landed in Ryan's home do you want to go to mine? Ill ring my mum? You'll be safe promise."
"Okie, m'sorry."
"Never apology, okie do you want anyone to sit with you? They're not judging you, I just need to call my mum to pick us up you know my mum she'd move the heaven and Earth you."
"Can both of them to sit with me?"
"Of course." She said softly "Hey guys can you sit with her? I'm going to call my mum and ask to pick us up. She needs sleep and she doesn't want to go to her room more memories and nightmares so I think my home will be safer."
"Of course, we'll sit with her." The older man replied simply.
Yaz quickly popped out grabbing her phone and tapping her mums' number it was 10PM
Yaz is everything okay? It's quite late
Yes, I'm okay but you know the Doctor? The Time Lord? Well she owns a time machine and spaceship long story short, she was dunked in a witch trail. Which she isn't but shes injured and also just learnt that she was in a Time War and had to destroy her own planet to stop the destruction of the universe including Earth so can you pick me and my girlfriend up? And can she sleep in my bed? She scared mum, she wants to die. The memories her TARDIS carries are overloading, and she afraid to be alone.
Of course, Yaz I'll put the kettle on and tell you dad to make your bed including more pillows, is she alright?
Mum she was begging me to let her die.
Poor thing her life sounds terrible.
Trust me watching her chained up and thrown into water was frightening enough. But I need to get back to her shes with Ryan and Graham but she doesn't trust them and shes crying.
Of course. Wait were, are you?
Grahams home.
Oh, okay I'll be this in about two minutes.
Okay I love you.
She ended the phone call and walked back in, her love was crying harder. The beast had been attacked, of course Beauty and the Beast had to have that scene as she walked out.
"Doctor? You are coming home, Ryan and Graham will protect your TARDIS and ill going to grab some more bandages as I know my house only has medication okay? Stay strong for me."
And then she walked away.
The Doctor heart broke, she was killing her as well. It's her fault
"Its my fault." She kept repeating and repeating getting louder and louder
The voices,
The screams,
The pain,
The dead,
The love,
Loves louder than hate.
Yet the past doesn't want to stay in the past.
Doesn't want to stay there
She wishes she could cut this out.
And through it overboard.
Away from her peace,
Her laughter,
Her sanity,
And her clear state of conscious.
Yaz quickly came running back her bag full of items needed. Quickly rubbing her back to calm her down and walking with her as her mum was here, probably breaking all the laws. She couldn't care she was happy she was here in one piece. She sadly looked at the boys "I will text you, or call." And she left the police box.
She saw her mum get out of her car and help the breaking woman get into the safety of the car, she couldn't believe this was the same person who was hot on her heels about the spiders and the safety of everybody else.
They got her in the back of the car, as she curled into a ball. The seat belt ripping into her raw skin, she didn't care she wanted to end the pain. She carelessly watches the road as they were driving watching the happy civilisation getting on with their normal lives, having no cares in the world. She prayed one day she could be that sane, that happy.
They got back to Yazs' home, she was feeling safer minute after minute.
Yazs' careless sister walked in, laughing at the woman.
"haha why she crying? Yazs singing?"
"Get Out." Said Yaz
"protecting your girlfriend" she said trying to sound patronising.
"Yes, I fucking I am. Do you want to end your planet? Get chained and dunked into a freezing cold river? Get called a witch? Live with years of PTSD adding up? Being so scared that you want to end the world? Not to hurt anyone. Not sharing the pain because she would rather feel worse than anyone else?"
Yazs voice cut through the air, her sister was shocked. The first time that's happened.
"You are lying. Police training?"
How could someone be so stupid.
"Are you really stupid? Or just trying to hurt her more?"
"How does she get to a witch trail?"
"She is a time lord. She owns a time/space ship. The TARDIS her home. But right now, shes too frightened to sleep there because of the memories."
Her sister was shocked, "can you leave now?" Yazs' voice left no room for arguing.
Yazs went back to her room, she saw her crying even more. She'd just reminded her off everything. Great well-done sister.
"Hey, its alright. I'm sorry you had to hear that, But I promise you'll be okay? She won't come back unless she wants to get arrested."
"It's okay."
"No, it's not, I'm very very very sorry you had to hear and deal with that all over."
"Its fine."
"Okay, I'll drop it for now, but I need to change that bandage and do you want hot chocolate and some paracetamol, and I'll added in some custard creams. Just for you." She said kissing her forehead.
She saw the time lords face slightly light up to the words 'custard creams', because how wouldn't?
She changed the bandage and got some hot chocolate with mini marshmallows on and handed the paracetamol and custard creams.
Then she saw her slowly drift unconscious with a smile on her face, it warms her heart.
She placed the hot drink on the side and the empty packets of biscuits at the side, lying back down letting her body go into unconsciousness but still on alert listening closely to the noises in the background.
She woke up, slowly looking at her phone 4:30AM, yet someone message her. It was Ryan
Hey yaz! Sorry its early but me and Graham couldn't sleep tonight, how is yes today?
Hi I've just woken up, she asleep still hopefully for a little while long my sister made the situation worse yesterday winding her the hell up.
Why what happen?
She was asking why she was crying, and because my sister wouldn't go, I had to tell her why. But she heard and I think hearing what's happening in someone else voice makes it become more real you know?
Ugh, she was on the edge. We should have never gone there.
Yes, I know but she would have break one or another I'm glad she let me in for once.
Yes, but I mean she's lived and seen a lot more than you and me. I don't think she had stop to check her self mentally.
She just wanted to block the pain.
Well maybe you can see if she is up to seeing us? Even sitting on our coach its pretty lonely and I don't think isolating herself will help or even we could walk to the park/shops?
Yeah ill text you if she's up to it, hopefully I don't want to force her. She will close back up.
I know but we need to try somehow.
I think she's having nightmare, I text you later.
She saw her thrashing around, she had to wake her up somehow. After grabbing hold of her arms firmly and talking calmly to her she finally came around consciousness she saw her eyes well with tears bad nightmare huh she thought, she saw sweat pouring through soaking the sheets. She looked at her with the saddest eyes.
"Hey, you alright? Sweats pouring off you and your hearts are racing like crazy."
"I'm okay thank you for waking me."
"Hey, that's okay. So, I don't want to put this on you if you don't want to but, Ryan was thinking do you want to goes his home? Or walk to the shops or the park? You can't keep yourself in this blackhole, I know you feel so vulnerable and weak. But your sensational and amazing the best I could every wish for. Remember that."
She just looked up, smiling.
That raw moment she smiled
Not a fake smile
A real smile,
Her heart skipped a beat.
"I'll go to their house the TARDIS is there still?" her voice was quite but stronger.
"Yes, but do you want a shower? I'll give you some clothes."
She nodded "What about the wound?"
"I'll sort it out, don't worry" she looked at the time 7:30AM
"My mum should be up, I'll just tell her and grab you some paracetamol."
"Tell her thanks."
"I will don't worry she doesn't mind you, promise"
Yet everything people promise me break the timelord thought throughout her brain everybody dies.
Yaz could see her distance and distracted by her thoughts, she quickly ran down. She didn't want to crowd her too much. She finally reached the bottom on the stair her sister was there and her mother who was making tea and caught her. "Yaz how is she today?"
"She okay, I think she is going to take a shower she had a bad nightmare. Can I get some paracetamol?"
Her mum nodded and finished making the teas. Yaz took one for the Doctor for the pills and quickly made her way to the stairs but remembering something and turned around.
"you need to say sorry." She said sternly to her sister.
"Why?"
"Because you were a nosy bitch and it made everything worse."
"ha-ha by talking? Do aliens not do that?"
"Do you suffer with PTSD? Hear the screams of love ones, children? Do you put your own life in danger? No, I didn't think so. Say sorry."
She heard the shower running, finally she must have got out of her head. Hopefully just check she isn't hurting herself she thought walking out the stairs she saw the clothing on the bed. The bandage from her wound I need to clean the wound again. She walked into the shower, she was sat on the floor sobbing, I shouldn't have left her.
"I heard you."
Her sister, obviously.
"I'm sorry, but she needs to learn when to shut up."
"she's right, I don't talk."
Yaz was now worried she took off her socks. T-shirt and pants close contact to the skin hopefully she will feel safe she locked the bathroom door and sat down with her holding her close, she could feel the water bounced off her skin, soothing her worries. She looked at her, she felt her body calm down and relaxed.
"Can I clean your wound, you don't want that getting infected."
She just nodded and got up, looking for some support. Yaz saw this and suddenly got up, gently stroking her arm in support.
"This might her, sorry."
"it's okay"
She grabbed an antiseptic wipe and wiped over it, seeing wince remembering that she didn't give her medication and feeling a little bit guilty in her side. She finally grabbed a fresh bandage and put it on, checking it was secure.
"Do you want to finish up?"
"I washed before an attacked hit me and I couldn't breathe. I thought I was dying Yaz."
Her heart sunk, "I'm so sorry that I wasn't there, I promise that you won't be alone, and if you EVER feel like that shout me even if I'm talking, you're the most important in my eyes and world okay? Even today if you feel like can't breathe and you feel like you can get over it. You can't that's the worst part of an anxiety disorder it never goes away easier but we're all here and not leaving your side." She cupped the doctors face and kissed her, then put their foreheads together giving a spark of the moment, a special moment.
After the shower they both were getting ready, Yaz gave the Doctor some leggings and an Ariana Grande jumper with 'the light is coming' on the jumper she thought it was a positive thing. After styling her hair up in loose ponytail with the Doctor just slightly brushing her hair, Yaz could see her slightly wincing the rope must have cut her wrist, she walked over and pull the sleeves up a red raw mark of a rope burns, she gave her sad puppy eyes.
"Yaz its not your fault, its my own being myself and trying to get through to a witch hunter, which didn't work. We're are never going back then, wait what happened? I passed out, I think."
"We got them to stop the witch trails and the place will never be spoken. After what they did to you. It made them stop. You made them stop, being your strong self." She said softly kissing her forehead "the burns will heal on their own, don't irritate it please."
"I'll try" just in that moment Yazs' phone went off, startling her a little. Yaz keep her hand with hers and pick the phone up.
Hey Ryan
Hey were outside want to walk with us to the shops?
Yeah, we will be there in a minute or two.
Okay see you there
"Ryan is outside with Graham do you want to go to the shops?"
"Yes!" she perked up quickly jumping with a little bit pain
"Okay remember what we talked about? You feel scared or anything."
"Yes Yaz, can I get a fried egg sandwich? I'm really craving one."
"Yes, we can don't worry, I didn't forget." She remembers the first time meeting the strange woman for the first time defecting the evil creature which killed Grace.
They leave the house Yaz holding her hand, locking the door. The Doctor looked down like a dog who stole a bone. Was she guilty for ruining nothing? Who knew.
"Hey Doc, not see you in a while but your TARDIS is still up and the custard creams are restocked."
"Thank You Graham. Yaz said I can get a fried egg sandwich." She said smiling
They were grateful she was smiling and gracefully walking down the street swinging Yazs arm, which hurt, but she didn't mind honestly.
Loves louder than hate.
After buying things at the shop and getting her finally her fried egg sandwich they happily walked into the TARDIS they heard the TARDIS hum like saying hello
"Hello girl sorry I left you." "yes well" she went ranting to the TARDIS like an old married couple. Back to their old ways. You could hear the TARDIS as if it was arguing back.
It was happiness at last.