AN: This is Part 2 of an ongoing series, starting with my other story 'The Essence of Control', so this might not make much sense without reading that one first.

Chapter 1

And then there were Two

There weren't many occasions that Kaidan could say he'd been chauffeured anywhere. He was used to associating shuttles with dropping him into danger, or pulling him out at the last minute. This, on the other hand, was a complete contrast. A shuttle as a luxury, taking him to a military award ceremony, dressed up like he'd only ever seen his superiors dressed, sitting in the back of the Council's own private shuttlecraft, which had been sent to pick them up personally from the Normandy, still in dock, was something he thought he could get used to.

"Don't get excited," Shepard said as he scrolled down the datapad he held in his left hand, his right arm now out of its sling and healed but still a little tender, "it's not as great as it sounds."

"So you say," Kaidan countered with a grin, tapping his feet as he sat, watching the man across from him even as Shepard kept his eyes on his work, "just because you don't like the attention."

"I can handle the attention," Shepard said wryly, "it's the pandering and falsity I can't stand. It would have been helpful if they had given us this kind of support and admiration a month ago. You know, when it was useful."

"Oh come on Shepard, can't you just clock off for a minute?" Kaidan reduced his grin to a smile, adjusting his body to compensate as the shuttle rocked slightly, "Does everything have to be so practical?"

He really should have known what he had walked into when he said it. Shepard seemed to delight in taking any moment to make Kaidan ill at ease, so much so that he was beginning to think it his Commander's favourite hobby. It was with lascivious slowness that Shepard looked away from his datapad and ran his eyes over Kaidan's body until the observed man began to feel involuntarily hot under the collar. Kaidan cleared his throat and looked away, fiddling with the cufflinks on his dress shirt. He saw Shepard smirk out of the corner of his eye.

"Not everything, Lieutenant," he said softly, returning his eyes to his work, "you look good in your dress blues."

"Yes, well," Kaidan said as he composed himself, "I wouldn't say that's entirely appropriate for the situation, would you?"

"Oh I don't know," Shepard shrugged, "I've never had sex in the back of an executive shuttlecraft before."

"Shepard!" Kaidan couldn't help but exclaim.

"Just a statement of fact, Lieutenant," Shepard said casually.

In truth he'd hoped he could have held onto the illusion that this would be an enjoyable occasion for just a little longer. He had lost sight of Shepard after about forty minutes or so and hadn't seen him since. After that things started to come back into focus somewhat, seemed to lose their lustre. After an hour and a half of hobnobbing with the higher up's, the rich and the influential citizens of the Citadel who had come to offer their support, Kaidan would admit that it completely lost its charm.

The demure lighting, the wonderful catering, the fancy drinks, the (sometimes) intelligent conversation, the constant attention that Shepard so loathed...shouldn't it have felt better? Shouldn't he have enjoyed it more? The champagne he was drinking had taken a week to travel to the Citadel, all the way from Earth just so they could call it authentic. The food was perhaps the most extravagant thing he had eaten in years, with fresh ingredients, wonderful cuts of meat cured in spices and herbs, unlike the 'food' on the Normandy which consisted generally of slop. Everyone kept telling him how grateful they were, how much they were in debt to him. He'd never had this kind of recognition from anyone, superiors notwithstanding, and it was...it was nice. It was justification, to the more naive part of his personality.

It was vindicating.

It just wasn't enough. After the medals were doled out and the party continued, Kaidan found himself walking away from the crowds to stand before the memorial wall which had been erected by the doorway, a model of the one which was being planned for the Presidium. He held his champagne but he did not drink it.

It wasn't as sudden a shift as he'd thought it would be, from enjoying himself blindly to realising that his surroundings were nothing more than a show. He stared at the names and realised that he recognised too many of them. The chatter fell to background noise and the cold stem of the expensive glass in his hand became cheap. It wasn't right but then he'd known, somewhere inside, that it hadn't been from the start. In fact it never had been. He could only fool himself for so long before reality crept up to remind him what was important.

He'd become stuck on a memory, a recent memory which now seemed absurdly long ago. He remembered how long he had worked, how hard he and the Normandy engineers had struggled to overhaul their weapons before the final push, forced to cannibalise parts from the ship herself just in order to survive. It had been painstaking and it had been exhausting. All of the measly budget they had blown on new models which they never even got a chance to see as the Citadel had turned its back on them and it had been nothing compared to this. Instead of offering help they had been declared traitors, yet in the next moment they were heroes. It wasn't the hypocritical taciturnity that bothered him as much as the bare-faced showmanship that this ceremony represented by comparison.

Nearly a thousand humans and aliens were dead, military and civilian casualties; a number so much higher than it should have been. So many avoidable, senseless deaths. What did each of them mean, staring outwards from the plaque on which they now rested? Could he equate a person's life to a piece of physical material? He looked to the glass in his hand. How much would this have bought us? He wondered as he watched the bubbles rise and burst ecstatically against the air. All these lives reduced to names on a memorial and for what? So that they could look back on a supposed victory and celebrate not being dead? So they could continue to ignore the threat that had been implied by Sovereign and bury their heads in the sand?

He placed his glass on the tray of a passing waiter. Leaving was absurdly easy. He'd been expecting people to notice his absence but it seemed that they weren't truly as interested as they had pretended they were. He had taken a moment to look for Shepard but couldn't find his Commander anywhere. He wasn't about to start asking around in case it got Shepard into trouble, or him for that matter. It was colder outside, despite the automatic climate controls. It made him feel marginally better, yet he was still edgy and felt somewhat lost. Everything was disjointed in his mind, nothing seemed to fit seamlessly together. He just wanted things to be simple, just for a little while. That was all he needed. I may as well wish for universal peace while I'm at it, Kaidan thought facetiously as he walked along the Presidium and watched the water sparkle in the fake moonlight. The damage to the structures, the shop fronts and the sculptures, the charred walkways and the broken rubble beneath the water, it all seemed bleaker under the guise of the dimmed night, the projected moonlight coating everything an odd, homogenous white. It looked dead, like the inside of some massive skeleton, some long dead animal. Something that was destined to go extinct.

Returning to the Normandy seemed like a good idea, yet he didn't. There had been rooms made up for them nearby, in a hotel that had, until recently, been functioning as a refuge for those who had lost their homes. Thankfully the relief effort had found better ways to accommodate the homeless and temporary homes had already been constructed in what seemed like a ludicrously short period of time. In a way Kaidan thought it was still too lavish for he and Shepard to be given the luxury of a room considering there were still those who could use it more than them. Yet...he was tired. He felt hollowed out. He had tried to let the glitz and the glamour give him a night where he could forget the terrible things that had happened to them all. Ironically it had only brought them to the fore, reminding him that forgetting was perhaps the worst sin he could commit. He shook his head as he rode up in the elevator, as he waved his room key through the holo-lock. Tomorrow everything goes back to normal, right?

"Where the hell have you been?"

Kaidan looked up but couldn't find the energy to be startled. Shepard was sitting on a long couch by a lit fireplace, sunk back into the plush material, his legs crossed at the ankles and what appeared to be a book in his hands. It was rare enough to see paper nowadays, and he was so used to seeing Shepard holding a data-pad that the actual paper copy took him a little by surprise. He heard the door shut behind him and felt that he should walk into the room more than wanting to by volition.

"Just walking around," he replied, undoing the buttons on his dress coat and shrugging out of it; it was pleasantly warm in the room and the stiff uniform was too constricting, "what're you doing in here?"

"Well I was waiting for you," Shepard said, following Kaidan's movements for a moment before he turned back to his book and continued reading.

"How did you even get in?" Kaidan asked, only half curious.

"Oh come on, Lieutenant," Shepard smiled slyly, not taking his eyes from the pages before him, "you insult me."

"Huh," Kaidan said, shaking his head once more, "maybe I don't want to know."

He contemplated simply going to bed. He was tired after all and today had grown old. He wanted it to be over. He wanted everything to go back to how it was, where he could ignore the places in life he wasn't made to be in and focus on the ones that he was. He wasn't a politician, he was a soldier. He despised the duplicity and the self-serving tactics that seemed to come with a Council seat. He liked to know where he stood and he wanted to be sure of himself and his actions. I need sleep, Kaidan thought with a deep breath, shaking his head as he realised he was once again thinking too much. Instead he found himself sinking down into the softness of the couch next to his Commander and staring at the fire as it licked up out of the vents in the fireplace. He'd hoped that the closeness to another human being would help. Unfortunately Shepard appeared, to all intents and purposes, to be quite content. What was supposed to come out as an uncomplicated query as to what Shepard was reading turned into something subtly more loaded.

"Why did you bring a book?" he asked, "We're only here for a night."

"...I planned on leaving the party early," Shepard shrugged softly, turning a page with his right hand, "and thought I might have some time to kill."

"Oh," Kaidan said, knowing he hadn't had the answer he was looking for.

"I told you it would lose its glamour," Shepard said, managing to refrain from sounding condescending.

"Yeah," Kaidan agreed tonelessly, "after talking to the hundredth person I'd never met but wanted to congratulate me on saving their investments, it certainly lost its charm. Did you speak to Anderson?"

"Yes, for about five minutes before he was appropriated by the Turian ambassador," Shepard said, "seems they want to take my recommendation seriously."

"The Captain as a Council member, huh?" Kaidan let out a long slow breath, "I bet he just loves that idea."

"He can love it or hate it all he wants," Shepard said with an 'almost' smile, "he's the best man for the job as far as I'm concerned. There isn't another comrade in the military I would endorse so highly, except maybe Admiral Hackett but he's pretty much indispensible right now. He's wise, honourable, level headed and loyal. And anyway, I don't trust Udina further than I could kick him off a cliff."

"Don't you mean further than you could throw him?" Kaidan asked, giving Shepard a sideways glance.

"I know what I meant," Shepard said, his eyes scanning the pages before him; there was a short pause before Shepard spoke again, where Kaidan stared at the ceiling and wondered what he was doing there at all, "We have our orders for deployment."

"We do?" Kaidan frowned, "When did that come in?"

"A couple of hours ago," Shepard said, "we're leaving in two days, well actually in," Shepard lifted his right arm a little and his omni-tool flared into life; he looked at it and continued, "fifty hours and twenty two minutes, to be precise. We're heading out on a few supply runs with urgent aid, the Feros colony is getting back on its feet but they need equipment and we're dropping off personnel, some engineers, some xeno-biologists who were interested in the Thorian," the mere mention of the ancient alien made the hairs rise on the back of Kaidan's neck but he suppressed the shiver, "also a few colonies whose supply lines were cut when everything went to shit. They're pretty desperate for food and generators and we're the fastest ship in the fleet after all. Then we're to return to Sol to rendezvous with the fifth fleet. We'll have a little free time while everything is sorted out; the Admiral is still recalling ships from the Attican Traverse and some of our best engineers are here on the Citadel helping with repairs. Once all that's done we're escorting the fleet out to Omega to set up research stations for the relay. Looks like a lot of work is going to have to go on if we're to understand how that thing works."

"I see," Kaidan said as he absorbed the information, "well, at least they're keeping us busy."

"You can say that again," Shepard said, "at least it'll give the crew a chance to go home for a little while. After everything they threw us into it's the least the military can do to give my people a little shore leave with their families before we're deployed again. I mean I'm not even sure how long this assignment will be and, truthfully, it's probably going to be nothing more than guard duty, supply runs and using our expensive scanners to...scan things. Seems a waste if you ask me."

"Beats using our expensive guns to blow things up before they try to blow us up," Kaidan said wryly.

"I guess," Shepard didn't sound convinced, "what about you? Going to visit your folks while you're home?"

"I suppose," Kaidan said vaguely; the last thing he wanted to get into with Shepard was his family problems. Change the subject, he thought, latching onto the fact that Shepard was a Spacer as far as he could remember. He waas more than aware that he was diverting attention away from himself onto something that Shepard would parhaps not want to talk about either, "you ever been to earth, Shepard?"

"Once," his Commander replied easily, making Kaidan feel a little less guilty, "three years back. The ceremony for the Star of Terra was held in Washington. I didn't really see much; a shuttle down, stayed the night in the officer's barracks. Captain Anderson was there actually, although he was a Major at the time. He had me over to his house, met his wife, Cynthia I think her name was, but I'll admit I wasn't the best company. He was the one who recommended me for the N7 program, so I guess he must have seen something in me, god knows what. I was deployed again two days later to help with the relief effort. The Blitz hit everyone pretty hard."

"I remember that," Kaidan said, frowning softly as he tried to recall the name, "the 'iron rose' ceremony."

"I think that's what it was called," Shepard said derogatorily, "never made sense to me why."

"My mom told me about it," Kaidan said, "dad went. Sometimes I think he was more proud of you than anything else in that damn war."

"There's nothing to be proud of in war," Shepard said, his voice holding steel beneath his casual tone.

"I don't know about that," Kaidan said but he didn't elaborate; Shepard obviously wasn't one to bring up his feelings on the honourable war hero with. Instead of continuing in a vein that would surely just get them into an argument Kaidan finally caved and went for the easy option, "what are you reading?"

"The Dispossessed," Shepard said, seeming quite content not to elaborate, "old story, 21st century. Ever read it?"

"No," Kaidan said simply, wondering what one earth Shepard was doing with a priceless book in his hands if he was telling the truth about the date of the novel, "what's it about?"

"The steady decay of a civilisation," Shepard said with a suitably wry tone, "through human error this time though. No giant alien races trying to wipe them out."

"Well, at least it's appropriate," Kaidan murmured back humourlessly, consciously leaning in against Shepard until they fit comfortably together. He let his head lean back against the back of the couch and revelled in the comfort even as he detested it. He closed his eyes and everything seemed to drift away. From one thing to another, no time to savour the victory they had won, no time to recover from the friends they had lost; straight from one war into preparing for the next one. He heard the soft, distinct sound of a page being turned and focused on the feeling of Shepard's arm moving against his as the man moved to deal with the book. Kaidan made sure not to lean too heavily against Shepard's recently healed arm yet the man didn't seem uncomfortable under the weight. The decision he made next was based on many things he would rather not think about but he said it nonetheless, "read some, would you?"

"What?" Shepard didn't sound exactly surprised or confused, more curious.

"The book," Kaidan continued, refusing to give away too much with his request, "I just need a distraction."

There was a pause, then slow, jostling movements next to him as Shepard appeared to make himself more comfortable. Kaidan felt himself fall closer to the man and didn't make any effort to move away. There was a pleasant rustling as Shepard flipped back to find the first page and cleared his throat. He began talking without any further prompt and Kaidan was glad. He wasn't sure how he felt about everything else but, right there and then, he was sure he could have told Shepard the truth and not regretted it. No one else, with the exception of his mother, could make him so at ease as Shepard could. Or so ill at ease, when the mood suited either of them. Right at that moment, however, none of that mattered. He felt all of his thoughts, his worries and his fears, become nothing more than a background itch as Shepard's voice began dictating the words of a long dead author whose ideals still resonated with the universe around them.

"There was a wall," Shepard began, "it did not look important. It was built of uncut rocks roughly mortared. An adult could look right over it, and even a child could climb it. Where it crossed the roadway, instead of having a gate it degenerated into mere geometry, a line, an idea of a boundary. But the idea was real. It was important. For seven generations there had been nothing in the world more important than that wall..."

A hand against his hair. Kaidan blinked open his eyes to find gloom before them. He lifted his head from the back of the couch and took a deep breath. He looked round to find the hand was attached to an arm which promptly helped him up from the seat. Kaidan, only half awake as it was, allowed the arm to lead him forwards, tripping over things in the dark and slowly becoming more aware as he walked. He found himself in a room with a wide bed and squinted his eyes as a low light slowly illuminated, revealing a tastefully decorated bedroom. He looked back to the light and found Shepard standing before him, his chest bare and his eyes dark in the dim lighting.

"Take off your clothes," he said, "I found these in the drawer over there."

He handed Kaidan some soft, folded nightclothes which the lieutenant took without question, sniffing absently and briefly shaking his head as he looked down at the garments in his hands and tried to focus. He undressed mechanically and then redressed just as mechanically, going through the motions as his fogged brain ran at half power. The pale blue was reminiscent of the hospital gown he had found Shepard in a few days before and the colour association wasn't exactly the best it could be, even though the pyjamas were very comfortable. He brushed his hands down over them and swallowed; when he next looked up it was to realise he had awoken enough to realise the situation he was in and that Shepard was already in the bed, under the covers, a soft glow coming from the side table as he put down his book and, rather humorously Kaidan thought, fluffed his pillow.

Kaidan hesitated, long enough for his Commander to notice. Shepard looked up at him with expectation, raising an eyebrow when Kaidan continued to stand there.

"Aren't you tired?" he asked, as if this were the most natural thing and not as surreal as Kaidan found it to be.

"I..." Kaidan started but then stopped, not sure where he had been going with the sentence when he began; after another awkward moment he sighed and rubbed at his arms. It was cooler in the bedroom. He shuffled towards the bed and got in slowly, "yeah, I guess I am."

It wasn't that he was embarrassed or that he was shy, it wasn't even that he was truly bothered by Shepard's off-hand manner. Instead it was a niggling fear, something that made him hate himself for even thinking about it. It was his fear to deal with and he wouldn't say that he dealt with it particularly well. The thought that when they had come together before, like two celestial bodies on an impact path with no way out, that it had been due to necessity rather than any real attraction that had prompted Shepard to zero in on him. Not that he doubted his Commander's integrity, just that he knew what stress could do to a person. The situation that had brought them together was a unique one and Kaidan couldn't help but think that now, in the light of a more peaceful environment, the flaws in their connection would be all the clearer. Such as the growing itch of paranoia that if they were caught, then, well...

"What are you doing over there?"

Shepard was asking a lot of awkward questions that night. Kaidan turned over reluctantly to find himself watched by two blue eyes beneath a frown. He shivered and pulled the covers further up over his shoulders.

"Getting some sleep," Kaidan said, hoping for neutrality.

"Oh, so that's how it is, is it?" Shepard asked dryly, obviously enjoying himself, "Only good for a one night stand am I?"

"What? No!" Kaidan could feel the heat in his face, "Shepard, really, that's not what I meant and that's really not appropriate, I just..."

He stopped talking because he realised how ridiculous he sounded. He let out a short sigh and tried to think about what he was saying before he said it. Shepard slid down from leaning against the plush headboard and placed his head against his pillow.

"I was kidding, Kaidan," he said, sounding a little condescending.

"Sure, well, could you kid another time please?" Kaidan said stiffly, "I'm tired and I'm not in the mood."

"Well you know what I'm in the mood for?" Shepard said back calmly.

"I daren't guess," Kaidan started but didn't get any further than that.

There was plenty of time to move, more than enough opportunity to get out of the bed or to raise his hands and push Shepard away. As it was Kaidan simply let the breath stick in his throat as his Commander shimmied across the sheets and pulled him into a kiss. He felt his body go limp and his eyes close involuntarily, his hand coming up to grasp at a bicep, the other fumbling against soft clothes. A warm tongue slid slyly into his mouth and he didn't stop it. Because this is what you wanted? He thought. He couldn't deny it. He refused to be that much of a hypocrite. Shepard pulled back, still half leaning over him, licking his lips and watching Kaidan closely.

"You want the truth?" Shepard asked; Kaidan hesitated too long and lost his chance to say no. Shepard leaned down and began kissing at the soft flesh of Kaidan's throat, "As soon as I got here and saw this bed, all I could think about was spreading you out on it and taking you."

"Shepard, for god's sake," Kaidan mumbled, unsure whether he was offended or incredibly turned on by Shepard's words, his whole body jerking as a wayward hand found his groin and began working him through the thin material of his pyjama bottoms.

"What's wrong with that?" Shepard asked, once more leaning back, "You think that's odd, Alenko? I don't know, I find you pretty attractive lieutenant."

"Do you really have to use titles in bed?" Kaidan asked, avoiding the question and trying to sound contrite despite his gasps of pleasure.

"Oh, I don't know, I'm sure we could find some way to make that interesting, I am still your superior after all," Shepard said with a small, devious smile; his visage dissolved into a frown when Kaidan looked away from him, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Kaidan lied convincingly, looking back to Shepard and reaching up to loop his arm around the other man's neck, feeling the hot skin beneath his palm. This is real, this is truth, he thought to himself, you can't deny yourself that.

"If you're sure," Shepard said, leaning down to kiss him again, "then let's make good use of this room while we have the luxury. Who knows when we'll have time like this again. Anyway, I can make it more enjoyable now I know it's not your first time."

"...That obvious, was I?" Kaidan tried to cover his mortification with humour; Shepard didn't reply but his silence seemed to speak louder than any words would have. The lieutenant just closed his eyes and allowed the man to continue.

In truth he couldn't really complain. He didn't have a large frame of reference for sexual activities but, so far, everything Shepard did to him made his skin tingle, or burn, or shiver, made his insides twist around in knots of pleasure, made him feel like begging for more, which he was sure he might have done on a few occasions. The fears he held inside were still there, still gnawing at the back of his mind, but they were suppressed, hidden beneath layers of ecstasy and simple happiness to have found someone who could accept him enough to risk everything for this one simple act. Shepard had no reservations where Kaidan was concerned and he thought that must have counted for something. Kaidan's actions may have come off as prudish but truthfully, if he would ever admit it to himself, he was just scared. When he realised the truth of the matter he was more ashamed of himself than he was of Shepard's behaviour.

"You know you're a deceptive little package, aren't you," Shepard said as they lay on the bed, catching their breath and trying to ignore the wetness and the stickiness coating their bodies.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kaidan asked, turning to face Shepard with a frown.

"Just that you seem all reticent and proper," Shepard smirked, "then we get down to it and you're far filthier than you let on, that's all."

"I'm a man of latent talents," Kaidan said with a quiet chuckle, trying his best to be at ease with Shepard's candidness.

Shepard trailed a hand up over Kaidan's abdomen, making the other man shiver. The hand continued over his chest, up and over on his left arm. Shepard watched him as he seemed to map out his body. Kaidan wasn't sure what to say and simply allowed the man his oddity. What Shepard said next, however, forced him back to reality.

"Don't know how to relax though, do you," he said; it wasn't a question.

"It's not exactly in my nature," Kaidan shrugged off the comment.

"Horseshit," Shepard replied easily, taking Kaidan off guard, "you're just...look Kaidan, if you don't want any of this," Shepard moved his hand back and forth between them, "you just have to say. I know the risks but then I'm used to taking them. I won't say that I'm a rebellious man, I don't always gel with authority but I think I've had enough duty pummelled into me over the years to know when to fall into line; but I know when a risk is worth taking."

"I'm not that...it's just that it's not, well, not that simple," Kaidan tried to argue, even though he knew it was flawed; you're just worried, he thought, that the risk isn't worth it. Is it fair to keep questioning it? Is this worth the career you've built with your own hands over these past years? Is it worth the home you've found on the Normandy? Is it worth the part of yourself you would lose if this all turns out to be nothing? You've already committed too much, you've already fallen too hard; aren't you scared this might break you all over again?

"Isn't it?" Shepard asked, continuing to trail his hand over Kaidan's cooling skin, his fingers leaving a trail of ticklish feeling in their wake, "I don't know, compared to all the other decisions I've had to make recently this one seems pretty straight forward to me."

"Well then maybe you're just not looking hard enough," Kaidan said stiffly, taking a deep breath and letting it out as a long sigh even as Shepard's eyes moved from following the path of his hand to staring at Kaidan intently, "come on Shepard, you're not ignorant of the consequences. If this...if it ever got out we'd both be finished. Or at the very least separated, if we're lucky. After everything else we pulled during the war with Saren it would be lenient if they only discharged us."

"So you're going to tell me to get out of this bed because you're worried about your career?" Shepard didn't sound impressed.

"Wouldn't that be why you would ask me to get out?" Kaidan countered.

"No," Shepard said, shaking his head and looking at his hand as he splayed out the palm against Kaidan's stomach and let out a short sigh, "it wouldn't."

"Hey, don't make me sound like an asshole," Kaidan said tightly.

"No need," Shepard said as he retracted his hand and lay back, seeming to stare up at the darkness, "you're doing a good enough job of that on your own."

"Fuck," Kaidan whispered out angrily, turning onto his side, "look, that's not what I meant, ok? I didn't...this is crazy. I don't think of you like that. I mean, no, that's wrong. I...I really like you Shepard. I, dammit I'm not good at this."

"Well that's obvious," Shepard said wryly.

"Would you stop the sarcastic comments for just a minute?" Kaidan asked angrily, making Shepard sigh in annoyance; Kaidan knew that there had always been something boiling below the surface but that one derisive action from Shepard seemed to force it to spill over the edge. He let his mouth run away with him without thinking about it too clearly, "ever since I met you all you've done is drive me nuts! I'm not used to people treating me the way you do, one minute I'm your subordinate and the next I'm your friend and then after that you've got me in your bed and then we're all going to die! I'm not good with relationships at the best of times but this is something else. There's so much behind us now but I can't help it, it's still there, laughing at me; Onterom, Virmire, I don't know what to do with any of it! I try and focus on something important and in the end it seems so bloody trite when we just end up arguing like kids."

Or sounding like preachy jackasses, Kaidan thought as he sat up and realised that he was ranting without purpose. Wow, yeah, he's going to respect you so much more after that. He wasn't sure whether he was thankful or not to feel the hand around his arm as he made to leave.

"...Then, if it's not a stupid question," Shepard said flatly, "what is it worth?"

It is a stupid question, Kaidan thought derisively, considering what it was asking. What was true happiness worth? There wasn't a price anyone could put on it. He felt as if he should be willing to risk anything for that, only he couldn't bring himself to be that selfish. Which was when he realised that not only were their priorities different but their ideals were too. Shepard wasn't selfish, his actions during his very prestigious military career were testament to that. He was just practical, Kaidan reasoned, he was a man used to working through a strategy in order to get what he wanted. He was a man accustomed to loss and yet he seemed to have dealt with it differently to Kaidan. He had become far more positive in his outlook, seeking out what he could get, keeping hold of it for as long as he could and never looking back. He weighed the risks, made his decision and that was all there was to it. Kaidan wished he could be that ruthless with his feelings. Instead he was reticent and calculated and sometimes inappropriately impulsive. He knew that and yet he ended up saying the next words without a thought for what it would mean.

"You want the truth?" Kaidan asked, echoing Shepard's earlier question; he let out a derisive laugh as Shepard watched him, "truth is sometimes I feel that I fell in love with you because I'm some sort of glutton for punishment. I just keep reaching for things I can't have and, worse than that, getting hung up on things that aren't exactly a priority. Dammit Shepard, we don't even know what's coming next. The Reapers, the Protheans? I mean there might be another war just over the horizon for all we know..."

"Wait, you..?" he heard Shepard speak but cut him off.

"...But even with all that it shouldn't have to be this complicated, should it?" he asked, wishing he could take his words back, "After everything we've been through, shouldn't it be easier? God, look at me, what am I even talking about anymore? Sorry, ok? I'm sorry."

The chance to leave never even became available. Kaidan wasn't embarrassed or angry or even particularly sad when Shepard sat up behind him and pulled him down against the mattress. He felt hollow; a small, insignificant thing amidst the vast chaos of the universe. It seemed a hackneyed perspective, yet sometimes he found himself wondering, just wondering, about the vast expanse that spanned outwards from him at any given point in space and time. Hundreds of thousands of worlds in hundreds of thousands of star systems in hundreds of thousands of galaxies. An infinite cosmos filled with birth, life and death, whether of people or of stars or the unknown.

And beyond that, dark space lurked like the monster under the bed. Just beyond the realms of imagination yet just close enough to the real world to be truly threatening. I'm here, I'm alive, and all I can worry about is whether this man beside me cares enough to see past my flaws. How short sighted can I be, after all I've seen and heard? How can everything around me come down to one decision which, in the scale of things, was truly inconsequential.

"I'm sure you've heard this a thousand times," Shepard said, holding Kaidan loosely, his right arm curved around his shoulders, Kaidan's head against the front of his shoulder, "but you think too much," truthfully Kaidan was just glad Shepard wasn't commenting on his rather casual use of the L-word and hoped they could just pretend that had never happened.

"Ha, yeah, well," Kaidan had let out the bark of laughter perhaps more as a cover than any real need to laugh, "you don't get any points for guessing that."

"You're making this a lot harder than it has to be," Shepard continued, ignoring Kaidan's attempt to derail the conversation, "and if it's some sort of reassurance you want then, yeah, I like you too."

"Is that right," Kaidan said, for a lack of anything better to say.

"Yeah," Shepard said, refusing to go any further than that, "it is."

You should say something, Kaidan's conscience supplied unhelpfully. Still, he couldn't get his brain into gear and, instead of replying to Shepard's candid statement, he kept quiet. He found himself stuck between the odd hollow feeling he had engendered and the seductive warmth Shepard's words had left him with. I really do think too much, Kaidan thought with a shake of his head.

So instead of answering he said nothing. He moved over onto his side and curled up next to Shepard, feeling the man's chest beneath his face, and went to sleep with an arm around his back and the offer hanging in the air above him.

He took it as a good sign that Shepard was still there when he woke up in the morning.