I don't own White Collar or the gorgeous Neal Caffrey! All rights go to there respective owners.

Set round about season three, slightly AU events. Warning - Triggering content.

Chapter One

Neal Caffrey sits quietly in the corner, his mind running with thoughts. Thoughts of everything. The treasure, the very same treasure that nearly destroyed his friendship with Mozzie and Peter, destroyed his relationship with Sara and nearly got Elizabeth killed! Peter still hates him, off that Neal is quite certain of. He may not show it directly and may act like he's just displeased and untrustworthy of Caffrey but Neal knows he must hate him for what he did. As he Neal Caffrey hates himself for what he did. Something he cannot escape from.

Peter Burke watches Caffrey curiously, usually the kid would be bright and cocky and trying to piss everybody off yet today he isn't. He's quiet and has secluded himself from everyone today, offering answers when questioned but nothing more. Peter raises his eyebrow to Caffrey, who avoids his gaze. Yes, Peter may still be quite distrustful of him after what happened with the treasure and Elizabeth but he cannot escape the fact that Caffrey is his responsibility and that despite everything he is his friend and he could never ever hate him. Something he is not sure Neal is aware of at this moment in time.

At lunchtime Peter walks over to the silent ex con man.

"Want to grab a bite?" He mumbles, Caffrey looks up at him with his bright blue eyes. "No that's alright. I made plans with Mozzie." He murmurs, a lie of course. Peter nods, believing Neal's lie. "See you later then. Do not cause any trouble. That goes for Mozzie as well!" Peter growls sternly. Caffrey nods quickly. "Their won't be any trouble." He replies. Peter glares at him for a moment to ensure the message is across before heading out for his lunch. Caffrey sighs deeply, checking that Peter is indeed gone before grabbing a sharp pair of scissors from desk…

Blood drips onto the bathroom floor. Crap! Caffrey rolls his eyes at his clumsy mistake, wiping it quickly away with toilet paper before turning to the scissors in hand, sliding them across his wrist again. They are not as good as his razor blade but they will have to do! He's desperate right now. It will take the edge off before he gets back to June's anyway. He thinks to himself, tears appearing in his eyes. He deserves this pain, he deserves every single cut for what he did, for what he lost. Stupid Caffrey, stupid Caffrey!

This helps that little bit, it calms him ever so. He did it a lot when Kate died yet it died down when he caught her killer only to start back up again after all this crap he caused! It was always something he could turn to. Kate caught him once, ages ago. She had cried for hours and begged Caffrey to never do it again and he tried, for Kate, he really tried but desperate times called for desperate measures!

His break was over ten minutes ago. Caffrey knows he should be in the office with Peter but he had to wait until the toilets were unoccupied before heading for the sink. This will have to be a quick one Caffrey, he tells himself as he cleans his fresh wounds, his eyes flickering over the scars littering his arms. When he was with Sara he would always use the best concealer to cover them up but since she left. Since he messed up! He didn't care about them being uncovered. He wore a suit daily after all!

Running his arms quickly under the tap, he dries them fast, wrapping toilet paper expertly around them with shaking hands. Pulling his sleeves down and his suit jacket on before splashing cold water on his face. A queasy feeling overcoming him, he rests his head against the mirror for a few moments. Stop, he tells himself. I am Neal Caffrey. He reassures himself before heading to the door armed with bloodied scissors and a fake smile.

"You're late!" Peter comments as Caffrey shuffles in. "Sorry Peter." He murmurs. "How was Mozzie?" He asks. "His normal paranoid self! You know, he's Mozzie." Caffrey lies with a smile. "You two better not be planning anything!" Peter grumbles as Neal takes his seat. His head starting to throb painfully. Ohh crap! He better not be coming down with something." Caffrey thinks to himself. Ignore it, ignore it and it will all go away. He tells himself. Peter looks over at Neal quizzically. Him and Mozzie better not be planning anything or so help him god! They won't know what's hit them! Yet Caffrey doesn't look too good, he is paler than usual and his eyes are slightly glassy. It is enough to make Peter want to go over to him and ask him what the hell is wrong with him and if he's sick go to the doctor then go home and rest. Yer before he can do any of the sort Diana enters the room, equipped with a file.

"Boss, we got a new one."

"The Mystical Missing Moonstone case. One of the worlds most priceless Moonstones was stolen from a secure location as of yesterday. It has been assigned to us. Read the details and memorize them!" Peter announces before moving over to Neal. "Neal was this you and Mozzie? Or just Mozzie?" He questions. Caffrey shrugs. "I have never seen this in my life. Moonstones are not really my thing, however I don't know about Mozzie. I'll ask." Caffrey sighs. Peter rolls his eyes. "He better not have." He hisses at Caffrey before returning to address the team. "It was stolen from a museum downtown. The theft was quick and the thief left without a trace." Peter says looking over at Neal, who's head is really starting to bother him now. "It will be the main focus of tomorrow. Meeting adjourned." Peter nods. Caffrey is up in a flash, moving quickly towards the exit. Peter grabs his arm, he winces. Peter notices yet says nothing. "Make sure you do talk to Mozzie, Neal. Are you alright?" He asks him curiously. "Never better." Caffrey grins before darting off leaving Peter in his office. He stares after Caffrey for a moment before turning to his desk and paperwork. He needs to neaten up some documents before he can return to his beloved El. Yet wonders when opening to draw where the hell his scissors have disappeared off to?

The scissors in question are in fact in Caffrey's sink, washing off all the blood so they can be returned. Peter won't notice though. It's just a pair of scissors! Caffrey thinks from the bathroom floor, leaning against the toilet bowl where he had thrown up twice. His head pulsating almost, so bad it feels like it is about to split open and now his throat is starting to hurt and feels incredibly scratchy. Yet despite all the discomfort Caffrey finds himself in there is a shred of hope as now he is reunited with his lovely, lovely razor blade!

Wrapping towels around his heavily bleeding arms Caffrey places his blade back where it belongs, behind the frame. Before collapsing onto his bed, shivering all over, wanting to cry in pain. He doesn't have any painkillers left either! Mozzie took them all the last time. It will pass! He tells himself as he rolls over onto his front. Stifling a sob as the doorbell rings. He quickly pulls a shirt on and abandons the bloodstained towels, putting a paper towel on instead as he races to the door, a knock sounding out again. He throws it open. Not expecting to find Alexandra Hunter on his doorstep.

"Alex…" He croaks hoarsely. She looks him up and down worriedly. "Neal?" She whispers, they look at each other with different expressions, one of worry and the other of surprise. Neither of them mentioning the large moonstone hanging from around Alex's neck…

Authors Note: thank you so much for reading this. Sorry if it's terrible, just an idea that came to me. Please say if this is worth continuing or not xxx thanks again for reading xxx