Remembering Captain Kathryn Janeway
She's the light to his darkness, the other half of his heart, the better part of his soul. He loves her, but he hasn't told her, at least not directly. He remembers her fondly, smiling sadly as memories of their time on New Earth comes back to him. He remembers her smile, her laugh, the sound of her voice, the feel of her skin against his, the shine of her hair in the artifical light that filled the ship, the look on her face when Neelix presents her with a fresh cup of coffee.
He holds her limp hand in his. Her skin is barely warm and slightly clammy. Her face is pale, her lips tinted slightly blue, her beautiful blue eyes closed. The machines are keeping her alive, but only just. He lifts her hand to his lips and kisses her knuckles, squeezing her hand gently. A small flicker of one of her eyelids is his only response.
His heart shatters all over again. Two months ago, he had started dating Seven of Nine, the former-Borg drone that she had often said was like the daughter she didn't have. When he had told her, she had been openly shocked and surprised, the rest of her emotions hidden behind her Captain's mask, but she had wished him well with a small, strained smile.
He had heard her crying that night, sobbing, the cries hurt, pained, distressed and upset. It had torn at his heart, but he pushed it to the back of his mind and forgot about it. Now, sitting by her bedside, he remembered the sound of her sobs, and he started to cry, leaning forward to bury his face in her shoulder, still clasping her hand in his.
She is his oldest and closest friend. He knows her better than anyone. He knew of her love for Chakotay, and he knew of her fear and uncertainty about persuing a relationship with him. He knew that she held his thoughts and opinions close to her heart.
As he sat in her chair on the Bridge, he was grateful that they were now passing through a peaceful part of space, it gave him and the crew a chance to reflect upon the predicament that befallen them now that the Captain lay in Sickbay with no clear future.
Tuvok knew he would miss her dearly if she did not live. The loss would be great and felt throughout the ship. He was uncertain how the crew would react to the loss of the Captain, but he was certain that Chakotay would be the worst affected.
He knew of the feelings that had been slowly tearing her apart in the time since Chakotay had started dating Seven of Nine, had seen her draw away from everyone. He understood her feelings, but he did not understand her behaviour.
He has stood by her side longer than anyone else, and he will stand by her side for as long as he lives. She has trusted him for as long as he can remember, and he knows he will not betray her trust in life and in death. If the need arose, he would get the crew of Voyager home for her.
She had taken her from the Borg, and taught her how to be an individual, how to be human. She had guided her through her problems and helped her when she needed a helping hand. There was an emptiness inside of her now, a great sense of loss. Seven did not understand this feeling, but thought that it was perhaps the feeling many humans described as grief, or the loss of someone or something special to a person.
Seven watches him sitting by her bedside. His face is grief-stricken, distressed, and he starts to cry into her shoulder. She knows that he is open with his emotions, unlike her or Tuvok. She had often seen them together, before she had started dating him. The Captain had been happy then, she had smiled a lot and spent a lot of time helping those around her, even when it wasn't her place to. But but her behaviour had changed when Chakotay had told her that they were dating.
She had heard the Captain crying through the bulkhead when she had had dinner with him that evening. She had put it to the back of her mind and forgotten it, but it had resurfaced many times when she had noticed the Captain drawing away from the crew, talking to them less, spending more time in her quarters and in her Ready Room. She had been cold towards her and towards him, rarely speaking to them unless duty demanded it. She had begun turning down Chakotay's dinner invitations, unless it was their weekly dinner over which they discussed ships business and went through the reports from the various departments on board Voyager.
The Captain was someone who had a lot of love; she helped people when it wasn't her place to, and she never left anyone behind; she put others needs before her own, and often over-worked herself to make sure that happened, Seven had realised a long time ago. Life on board Voyager hadn't been the same; it was quieter, more melancholy. There was an air of sadness about the crew as they worked, and Seven didn't like it.
She also missed the Captain's reassuring presence, and the Captain herself.
They did not always agree, and at first they had not trusted each other. They were not the closest of friends, but B'Elanna had always seen the Captain as someone she wanted to make proud of her, to show that she was the best that she could be, and that the Captain had been right to place her trust in her.
When she had heard the news, she had been shocked and upset. She had cried for her injured Captain as soon as she reached her quarters. She was confused and lost. She didn't now what to do, and while she knew that Chakotay or Tuvok would make great Captains, it just wouldn't be right, because Captain Kathryn Janeway was the Captain of Voyager, and she always would be, no one could take that away from her.
She had rescued him from the Penal Colony in New Zealand on Earth. She had given him another chance when everyone else had given up hope for him. She looked out for him, protected him, trusted him. He hated to disappoint her, and wanted to please her and show her he was worthy more than anything else in life. She had given him another chance to prove himself, given him another chance at life, and for that he could never re-pay her.
He just hoped that she would live, to see Miral grow and to get them home.
Straight from the Academy, she was his first Captain, the only one he had ever known. He couldn't bare to think about life on board Voyager without her around, serving on Voyager under someone who wasn't her. She had shown him how do his job properly, how to handle situations, how to cope with the things that the Delta Quadrant threw at them.
Sitting at his console on the Bridge didn't feel the same, taking orders from Tuvok wasn't the same as taking orders from Captain Janeway. It was saddening to know that she might not make it, and he already missed her.