I'm powerless…it's a big change for me…
Before everyone I saw would either run from the very appearance I held or the immense strength I allowed to flare. My weapon and my stature are both enormous, its intimidating to other ninja and women alike, thus why I've never been in a relationship either. But always, since my school days till now I've been in control, fighting back al who would say otherwise and those who were stronger than me always watched me carefully, knowing mere physical stamina was not all I had beneath the black and red cloak.
When you came…I thought it would stay the same, ordering you around since you were to be my new partner…then I was rushed into a world of black and white, being taught what it was like to have to drown, my gills no longer working for me, my arms pinned to my sides as you pulled me from the water, only to shove be back beneath it for hours, a full day…but it had only been a second…you turned form me, left me there…and that's when I first noticed it…you'd genjutsued me with those eyes of yours…and I was powerless to stop you…
When we sparred after our first few months together as partners I was awed by your speed and grace, dodging my every move as if I was a toddler, stumbling around blindly after you. My pride was wounded and you would never even take the take to gloat, simply telling me to get up when you tripped me, ordering me to come at you and present a fight, pointing out where I was weakest. You were training me to your own movements, adjusting my fighting style to fit yours, to leave no holes in our defense and make our silent battles as synchronized as any spoken order. You were training me, molding me, and I was powerless to stop you.
Admiration from envy, faith from admiration, trust from faith and from trust came security, hope and finally love. I would have murdered anyone who dared to say I was doomed to fall for a master to me who would hold me beneath their thumb and rarely speak any word, and never an unnecessary one, to me. I would have skewed them a million times if they told me I'd worship the ground you walked on and throw myself between you and an enemy like your almost human shield, drowned them with their own blood if they said I'd be your faithful guard dog. And if for some reason I believed them, looked at your silky black hair and piercing red eyes and saw something I could fall for in the early stages, I might very well have slit my own wrists if I knew that you wouldn't return my feelings for you.
All my life people were repulsed by my appearance…you weren't. They feared me for my strength, you scoffed at it and controlled me without needing to use your own power. And all I lusted after, while a very short list, was brought to me without too much effort…and you were the most complex creature I'd ever met.
I was falling in love and powerless to stop it…
Months became years and nothing progressed, every time I tried to touch you you'd casually stand and stroll away, never breaking your blank look, never glaring at me because that too, to you, was unnecessary. You never listened if I tried to hint at something, never allowed me any special privileges…
The best advice I was given was from the banker, the old fart that was my sparing buddy for years now. He simply told me "you're not going to get shit from him if you don't just leap right into it. He's not going to respond to hints and guesses, he's not going to sit around and wait for you to inch your arm around him. Just tell him and get it over with, if he says no then he says no, that's the worst he can do."
Well…as wrong as he was about the last part, I did see what he meant and from that point on forced myself to speak, to tell you how I felt and what I admired about you, to grab your hand without asking or steal your brush while you were grooming yourself, only to take up the job myself, watching the smooth satin strands slide easily along my rough blue skin. With this way of thinking I managed our first kiss, your first time, and through all of it you never took any hints, any subtle nudges, you'd only respond when I went for it…I could never thank that mummy enough.
Still, when you didn't want to be touched you made sure I knew it. That silent communication you taught me became my life saver. If I didn't know you so well I might have very well gotten myself killed touching you at the wrong times….but then you started to confuse me, speaking more, holding me longer, letting me do the same for you…and stranger yet, you started to kiss me and whisper to me on your own, out of the blue…normally I would have been thrilled but…something was wrong…I could tell…
Now…I suppose I know what you were doing…with those last few gestures, admitting you loved me, giving me the moments I wanted before, the reactions I craved, the affections I needed…you were saying goodbye…
…and god damn it…I was powerless to stop you…