Hi everyone. This is my first foray into the Castle fandom so please be gentle with me ;). I wrote this story in an attempt to keep my sanity until Monday. For those of you who want to stay spoiler free, turn around while you still have the chance because this contains spoilers from the Always promos and sneak peeks. For everyone else: enjoy :).
Disclaimer: Don't own. Just borrowing them to survive the wait till Always.
Because I love you.
Oh god. He said it again. And she's not bleeding to death this time, doesn't have an excuse to deny it, bury it deep away until she's finally ready to deal with it. No, she needs to respond right now. And that's what makes her freeze. It's like her brain took a trip to god knows where and now she can't even utter a single syllable. Because really what do you say when the guy you trust your life, your heart and your soul with just violated that trust almost beyond repair and then starts saying all these perfect things to somehow make everything right again? She looks up at him and sees the disappointed, heartbreaking look on his face as she fails to answer him. The tears, which had been shining in his eyes the whole time, finally losing their fight against gravity as they slowly roll down his cheeks. Those are the last things she vaguely registers before he rushes past her, slamming the door behind him, leaving the room in an eerie silence that somehow is way too loud for her ears.
I love you, Kate.
Her mind keeps replaying that one sentence and all that she can think is that the man seriously needs to work on his timing. Because that's twice now that he declared his love for her, and as many times that she truly wasn't in a place to say it back. She needs time to think, to absorb it all. She was so close to getting there, putting the bastards responsible for all her heartache, her walls, the scars on her body behind bars for the rest of their miserable lives. So close to finally get where she needs to be, ready to tear the last brick of that wall down and jump into it with him.
They will kill you, Kate.
He lied to her. It's a lie of omission, but a lie none the less. She doesn't get it. Why would he keep all of this from her if he so desperately wants them to get there too? He knows she needs to solve this first. She told him as much that day on the swings and he understood; she saw that in his eyes. So why the lies?
I was just trying to keep you safe.
Oh yes, that's why. He would rather have her alive and save and hating him then not have her at all. Apparently it goes that deep. His love, that is.
Because I love you.
Her mind keeps repeating it as a mantra. That all-encompassing one sentence. She tries to recall more of the conversation. Tries to analyze everything he said, to deal with all the new information and feelings of betrayal that cut through her heart like a knife. He lied to her. Kept a secret from her about one of the most important things in her life. But who is she to judge really? She kind of did the same, kept her own secret for so long that it was starting to get ridiculous. And then it hits her. Her mind finally able to repeat more than those four uttered words.
I love you, Kate. But you already know that don't you?
Oh god. How did he know? Not that it matters right now because he knows and now she knows that he knows that she remembers. Talk about complicated. And as complicated as it may sound, it really explains a lot, helps her to make sense of everything. The pulling away, the running around with another cop, the lunch dates with blond bimbo's slash stewardesses. Yeah, not so random behavior at all now. It breaks her heart to know that he somehow found out without giving her the chance to explain. She can't possibly imagine how much it must have hurt him to know that she lied to him. Except, she can. Because somehow they have both been keeping secrets from each other, leaving the other feeling hurt and betrayed.
That's how she ended up here. Sitting on the exact swing set where they sat almost a year ago. Except he's not there with her now and there's a storm raging, fierce and wild. She takes the time to appreciate how the weather seems to mirror her emotional state. The thoughts whirling in her head as the wind picks up and whips around her. The rain is pouring down, making her damp hair stick to her face. The droplets of water running down her chest and back make her clothes cling to her skin, cold and uncomfortable. But she doesn't even register it, doesn't even care. Because he lied to her and he loves her and she really needs to sort this mess out.
I love you.
And she loves him, which should be all that matters because this case has made her realize that she might never solve this, might never get the closure she so desperately craves. She's done with that. Done with people sacrificing themselves for her safety. Her captain already took a stand to keep her safe; she won't let him do the same. She cares too much about him.
I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I've ever met. And I love you, Kate. And if that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this.
Just as a bolt of lightning lights up the sky, her brain gets struck by lightning too. She does care about him; doesn't want to do this anymore. She needs to start giving priority to the living instead of the death, needs to stop thinking that she is going to disappoint her mother. She probably already did because there's no way that her mother would approve of her behavior. She would have never wanted her to throw her life away to solve this. Johanna Beckett would have wanted her to be happy and she knows that her best, maybe only, shot at happiness is with him.
Because I love you, Kate.
It all comes back to that one sentence, those three amazingly frustrating words. They give her power, make her bold. Before she knows it she's hopping of the swings and striding towards his building. Her jaw set and a determined look in her eyes. When she finally arrives at his loft she's soaked and breathless. Her heart is hammering in her chest, seemingly wanting to burst through her ribcage. She mumbles a quick greeting as she rushes past the doorman and storms into the elevator. Watching the lights of each floor lit up she takes a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. The ding that indicates her arrival on his floor startles her, makes her break free from the thoughts of what she should say to him. Stepping out of the elevator she looks down the hall and hesitates, starts to doubt if this really is such a good idea. But then her mind answers the question, the mantra repeating itself once again.
I love you.
Before she knows it, she's knocking on his door, the droplets of water rolling down her body gathering in a puddle at her feet. The door swings open, revealing him standing there. She can't read him. She thinks she sees a flicker of surprise pass in his eyes before he schools his face back into this blank, unreadable mask that she has become accustomed to in the last few weeks. It makes her angry. She wants the old Castle back. The twinkle in his eyes when he sees her, the cocky grin when he renders her speechless, the pleased crinkle around his eyes when he makes her smile. She wants it all back but she doesn't know how, doesn't know what to say. She's never been good with words -he's the writer- and frankly their communication skills have failed them many times before. So she sighs and deciding that actions speak louder than words she moves towards him. Her hands cup his face and she brings him down to claim his mouth with hers.
The moment their lips touch she feels a shiver running down her spine and all she can think about is being closer to him. She needs him and his proximity. She moves her hands from his jaw and brings one around his neck while she touches his chest with the other. Bunching the material of his shirt in her fist she tugs him even closer, molding her body with his. The kiss is urgent, desperate and passionate at the same time. She runs her tongue over his bottom lip, begging him for entrance. Their tongues battle for dominance and she can't stop the moan from escaping her throat. It seems to snap him back to reality, because the next thing she knows his lips part from hers and he untangles his hands from her hair.
His breathing is ragged as he distances himself from her. He can't mask his feelings this time. It's all in his eyes for her to read. She sees the arousal and the hurt that still lingers there but most importantly she registers the confusion etched on his features. When he parts his lips, preparing himself to say something she jumps in. She needs to come clean. It's now or never really. So she takes one deep reassuring breath before the words rush out of her mouth, confident and certain.
"I love you, Rick."
It's an apology and a promise all in one and it's all he needs apparently. He's on her in the blink of an eye and their lips lock together again. The kiss starts out forceful, but he takes control and slows it down until his lips are tenderly sliding over hers. When the need for air finally becomes too much they separate and he rests his forehead against hers. And she knows, sees it in his eyes that he's going to say it again.
"I love you. So much, Kate."
Needing more she moves her hands down his chest, tugs his shirt free from the waistband of his pants. She rises on her toes to whisper in his ear: "Show me. Show me how much you love me, Castle."
He shakes his head and she frowns, doesn't understand. She doesn't want him to pull away anymore, needs him desperately. He must have seen the look on her face because he decides to explain.
"We need to talk first. I…We…"
She puts her finger on his lips before he can continue. "Shh… No talking. No more waiting. I need you, Castle. Now." She begs him with her eyes, tries to tell him there will be time enough later if he wants to talk. She moves her fingers back to his shirt then, unbuttons it while she places open mouthed kisses on his jaw. It seems to break his resolve and he wraps his arms around her, brings her mouth back to his once again. Turning her around in his arms he stumbles with her through his study until they reach his bedroom. She pushes him towards the bed, but he takes a detour and slams her back into the door. He pulls away from her briefly to look at her. She sees the love shining from his eyes, knows they mirror hers. Seemingly satisfied with what he sees he continues to devour her with his hands and lips.
Undressing each other slowly they move towards the bed. She watches as he worships her, revels in it, in the feeling of being loved. When he finally makes them one, she clings to him; his name leaving her lips in a breathless whisper. It may seem strange but they don't need to find their rhythm. It's just there. They are as much in sync as lovers in bed as they are as partners in the precinct and it makes her smile, reassures her once more that this is the right thing to do.
That night he shows it to her more than once. Shows her that he loves her. When they finally collapse, spent, satisfied and content, he pulls her close, placing a kiss on top of her head, before he whispers those words once more.
I love you, Kate.
So um, hope you liked it. Thank you for reading and feel free to leave a review on the way out :). 2 days left!