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"You're not busy right now are you, Bruce?"
"What do you need, Dick?"
"Well, have you noticed anyone acting kinda…"
"Kinda, what?"
"Well, it's just that…"
"Dick."
"Yes, Bruce."
"Spit it out."
"So, you haven't noticed?"
"Dick."
"Maybe, I should come back later when you have noticed and you can deal with it when you notice, so I don't have to—"
"Dick."
"What? Don't give me that look, Bruce… Okay, fine! It's Damian! Just stop it with the eyes! I can feel you plotting to get rid of all the good cereal by tomorrow morning."
"That is not 'the good cereal', it's a sugar induced coma just waiting to happen."
"How do you go through life not eating anything happy?"
"Why do you think I keep you around?"
"Awww! Bruce, that's so—"
"You said there was an issue with Damian's behavior. Has he been unnecessarily violent? From the sounds of it, I was under the impression that the four of you were getting along somewhere?"
"What? Oh. I guess you can't hear us in here. Nah. When I left Damian, Jason, and Tim were fighting over the TV remote. And it's not like they had any weapons besides the couch cushions on them… Oh man. I'm not going to walk back in there and find two of them smothered to death, am I?"
"Dick, stop avoiding the subject. What is wrong with Damian's behavior?"
"I… I think he has a crush on me."
"What."
"And by think, I mean, I'm like 99.9999% sure he has crush on me."
"What."
"And, I get it, Bruce. He's growing up and he's starting to enter puberty and get those feelings, and the two of us are super close, and despite the fact that he calls me an annoyance, and a fool, and an insufferable immature child, and a mentally deficit halfwit, I know that he looks up to me."
"When did he call you a halfwit?"
"Yesterday, he finally mastered that flip I showed him. I was telling him how proud I was and it just came out. He really is adorable when he's embarrassed."
"What makes you think he has a crush on you?"
"What's with that tone of voice?"
"What tone?"
"The one that makes it sound like you don't believe a word I'm saying and just think it's my ego talking."
"Those are your words, Dick, not mine."
"Bruce."
"Dick."
"Bruce!"
"Dick."
"You are such a loser."
"Stop laughing. Just move onto your point."
"Well, I noticed something was off when he started letting me hug him. Because, you know, normally he'll let me have a couple of seconds before he goes for the nerve strikes. But, recently, he'll let me hug him for as long as I like. Which is awesome because I have no idea what is wrong with this family and why no one ever wants to give me a hug. What do you people have against cuddling?"
"It has less to do with hugging you and more to do with you being a human leech."
"I am not."
"Dick Grayson, you are the tentacle porn without the porn."
"No! I am not that bad!"
"Yes, you are."
"No!"
"Stop laughing. So, Damian is letting you drown him with physical affection. How does this lead to him having a crush on you."
"His hands wander."
"Based on the colour of your face, I'm going to assume I don't want to know where they wander."
"You look amused. Why do you look amused?"
"No reason, So, his hands wander, is that all?"
"Bruce, stop brushing off the wandering hands like they're nothing!"
"Are they important?"
"Yes! Because the first time it happened, I thought it was an accident. The second time, I explained to him to be more careful with his hands. The third time I knew it was deliberate."
"Oh?"
"Don't give me that look! This isn't funny!"
"So, wandering hands. Is that all?"
"No. So, recently, he's been crashing my dates."
"Intentionally?"
"Yep. He is using the fact that he's my little brother and milking it for all it's worth. There are three women I'm afraid to go near because I have no idea what he did or said to them. I just know that the looks they give me are terrifying."
"Hmm…"
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Bruce!"
"It's nothing, Dick. I'm just remembering another little boy who did something similar."
"What? Oh… Oh! I mean, I have no idea what you're talking about."
"That doesn't surprise me. The boy I'm remembering was infinitely worse than Damian. This one went out of his way to interrupt anything I was doing with a woman. Whether it be polite conversation or behind closed doors activities."
"He was not that bad!"
"Selina Kyle, July 16, 2005."
"That was one time!"
"Vicki Vale, August 5, 2006."
"Well, fine Bruce, I interrupted you having sex twice—"
"Matilda White, August 7, 2006."
"How long is this list?"
"Thirty names long and that only includes the first offence with each woman."
"Why did you make a list?"
"Because I didn't think I'd end up with thirty names."
"I was not that bad… Stop glaring at me! You know you're exaggerating."
"Has he spent an hour trying to convince you to teach him how to kiss?"
"Oh my God, Bruce, we agreed to never talk about that!"
"Well? Am I still exaggerating?"
"So, I was flipping through his sketchbook while I was waiting for him to get out of the shower because it was Saturday and Saturday—"
"Is movie day."
"Exactly. So, as I was going through I found…"
"On a scale of one to ten, how pornographic were the drawings of you."
"Like a billion! He's a really good artist which just made it worse! And, Bruce, will you wipe that smirk off your face?"
"It's not a big deal. You're just overreacting."
"I was twelve years old! Let it go already!"
"No. It started when you were eleven and ended sometime after you turned seventeen."
"Ugh. Why is this happening to me? And why are you enjoying it so much?"
"What? Not enjoying a taste of your own medicine?"
"Your youngest son has a crush on his eldest brother who is twelve years his senior. How can you find this funny?"
"It's called karma."
"How can this be considered karma?"
"Because you are now feeling a mere percent of what I went through during your teenaged years."
"Name one time I made you feel super awkward and uncomfortable."
"The time I sent you to bed early and when I finally went to bed, I found you in my bed, masturbating, and moaning my name."
"That never happened."
"Dick, you're blushing. I know I taught you to lie better than that."
"Name one other time."
"Every single time you had a lollipop and started to lick and suck it while staring at me."
"That was a coincidence."
"You're left index finger is twitching. You really need to get that tick under control."
"You can prove nothing."
"The time we were showering after patrol and you had an erection and kept trying to stare at my crotch."
"That was caused by adrenaline and I was worried that something was wrong with me! It was my first erection!"
"This happened after the incident with you in my bed?"
"Did it?"
"You were fifteen."
"Wait, so how old was I during the bed thing?"
"Thirteen."
"Oh."
"Yes. Oh."
"Well, Bruce, I'm really sorry, I made you uncomfortable when I was younger. Will you please have a talk with Damian."
"No."
"What do you mean 'no'? I know it's natural that he feels this way, but it's super awkward."
"Oh, don't worry, Dick. Since it's natural, you should just let it run its course. No need to fight it."
"And now you're quoting me. Mature, Bruce, real mature. Stop smirking at me and just agree to talk to your son."
"Why don't you talk to him?"
"Because I don't want to hurt his feelings. Damian is stubborn and he will absoulutely refuse to listen to a word I say unless I tear into him."
"What a dilemma."
"Bruce! Will you stop being—"
"Father! Drake is an insufferable simpleton and I insist that you remove him from the family!"
"Dami? What are you doing here?"
"Grayson, I have come to lodge a complaint against Drake. You should come with me. We can tell him together that he is no longer welcome in the family. We should tell Todd as well. And Brown. You and Cain are the only ones who are allowed to remain. And Pennyworth as well, I suppose."
"Little D, we are not kicking Tim, Jason, or Steph out of the family."
"Grayson."
"Dami."
"Well, Dick, if you're done here, why don't you and Damian go and spend some time together."
"Yes. Grayson, come. We shall take our leave."
"Oh, Dami, I'm sorry buddy. I'll catch up with you in a few. I just need to finish speaking with Bruce."
"Well, than hurry up and finish your business."
"Are you just going to stand there, Dami?"
"Now, Dick, is there a reason you're so eager to get Damian to leave?"
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"Grayson, what are you hiding from me?"
"Oh. I'm not just hiding it from you Little D. Bruce, there's something I need to tell you. I was going to do it in private, but since Damian's waiting on me, I'll just tell you now. You won't tell anyone, will you, Dami?"
"No, Grayson. You have my word."
"Bruce."
"Dick."
"Ever since I was young, I've looked up to you."
"Dick…"
"You're so important to me. I just wanted you to know… I.. Bruce…"
"Dick, you don't have to tell me."
"No! It's important that you know!"
"It's okay, Dick. I don't need to know."
"What are you two blathering about?"
"Nothing, Dami. I just want Bruce to know that—"
"No. Don't you dare."
"Father? What did you whisper to Grayson."
"Bruce Wayne, I… I… I love you."
"Grayson! What is the meaning of this? You kissed him! You kissed my father on the lips!"
"Little D, are you okay? You look really upset?"
"Grayson, do you have a strong sexual attraction for my father?"
"Well…"
"Grayson!"
"Yes. Yes, I do. Growing up, he was very important to me. And these things develop over time."
"I see. Father, Grayson, I will take my leave. I have much to think about."
"You won't tell anyone, will you, Dami?"
"No, Grayson. You have my word."
"Thanks, buddy."
"Dick, what have you done?"
"I have set your incredibly jealous son after you. I mean, did you see the look he was giving you as he walked out the door?"
"Dick, why would you—"
"Because you refused to talk to Damian about his mentor crush. Now, you will tell him that while his feelings are totally natural and understandable, they are not 100% reciprocated or appropriate. You will then tell him that you had the exact same conversation with me and then we will both go on our merry ways repressing this entire incident."
"And if I don't?"
"Damian will probably kill you. He looked really really mad at you."
"Well played, Dick Grayson, well played."