A/N: so like. is to blame for this by reigniting my low key passion for Charlie/Danny. Also fic #91 im so impressed with myself lmao. No warnings apply outside of period typical homophobia. One of these days I will get back to writing fics with actual storylines lmao.
"Won't you kiss me?" Charlie turned half way around to see Danny leaning on the hallway, seemingly not caring that Blake or Jean could walk through and see them. He rolled his eyes and continued walking to his room.
"Really, Charlie?" Danny asked, following after him. Charlie was about to walk into his room when Danny pressed him up against the wall. He sighed softly, and found their noses almost touching. It was sweet, or it would be, if Blake and Jean weren't downstairs.
"Let me go, Danny." He said, softly.
"Not until you explain yourself."
"I haven't got anything to explain."
"Then why are you acting like this?" He demanded. Charlie rolled his eyes, and attempted to move away but Danny held fast. "Three days ago you were my best mate, now you won't even look at me!" He said, sounding both confused and upset. Charlie feels the bottom of his stomach drop to his shoes. He doesn't want Danny to be upset with him. He doesn't want anyone to be upset with him. He wants to go to bed and sleep for a hundred years.
"Stop, Danny." He murmured.
"Was it kissing me?" He asked, "Because I thought you liked that! I thought you were kissing back."
"Danny…"
"Because we don't have to kiss, or do anything like that." Danny continued, "I'd be happy to be just your mate if that's what you want." Danny insisted, not moving the arms that were holding Charlie in place. Charlie just wanted to go to bed. The thought drifts through his head that he could kiss Danny right now and he would go away. Sneak to his room. But that's not dealing with the issue, is it? "Do you…Do you want to be my mate?" Charlie looks at Danny for several long seconds supposing this could be the last time he was this close to him.
Charlie had always thought Danny looked like a movie star. A nose that was just right, paired with small asymmetrical lips. He looks like a party somebody threw just for Charlie. He looks like Christmas, New Year and his birthday all rolled into one, and suddenly he has the urge to reach up and stroke his fingers along his jawline to see if the pads of his fingers will catch on stubble. He probably tastes like birthday cake, with the candle attached. Sweet and firey all at once. A beautiful, perfect juxtaposition.
He's taken to long to answer and Danny looks him in the eye.
"I don't believe you. Is this how you treat everyone else?" He asked, softly. "Kiss and walk?" Charlie offered him a tiny little smile, mostly bitter. Mostly sad. "Just me then." Danny said, and after a moment, moved his arms away from Charlie. "Go, then."
"Danny…" His voice cracks, he's so close to losing it. He can't, not here. Not in front of Danny. Not in front of anyone. Causing this hurt makes his heart hurt. Causing this hurt makes his hands burn.
"Go!" Danny yelled, his own voice uncomfortably close to tears. Charlie doesn't like knowing he's the cause of it. It's not exactly the master of his whole emotion thing, but he can tell when he's hurt someone. Better then he used to be able to. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. Not anymore.
…
All Danny can think is that he's got to run. He has to get away from this place. He released Charlie, allowing his arms to drop to his sides. Even now, Charlie looked so handsome. The light made him look less sallow and more porcelain. His eyes were big and expressive, pools of water leading right to his soul. But now he looks cold. Like he was empty inside. His eyes were wet, his hands shaking by his sides. He looks like a home. He looks like a death in the family. He's everything Danny ever wanted and everything he hates all wrapped up inside one man.
He didn't get it Two nights ago, Charlie had basically been his best mate. Ever since his arrival, he found that he liked Charlie. He'd thought Charlie returned the like. Sure, the older was awkward and had a slightly odd sense of humor but he'd been perfectly charming. He was Danny's opposite and he supposed that was what he liked. Where Danny was positive, Charlie was cynical. Danny liked tv, Charlie read books. Danny drove motorbikes, Charlie helped in the kitchen. But they had fit. They'd taken the piss, yes, but never in a mean way. Or at least, he hadn't thought it was a mean way. Seems he was wrong.
"Go."
"Danny…"
"Go!"
He feels like he's talking to a doll, not a real person. He doesn't understand how a real person could behave like this, to cut off someone who wanted nothing but to be happy with them it seemed so odd and even out of character for Charlie. For everyone.
"Blake will hear you." He whispered, "Keep your voice down."
"Are you ashamed of me? Because I'm not a sergeant and there's no way you could be seen with a constable? Because my aunt is a house keeper?" Charlie frowned at him, that little divet between his eyebrows forming then shrinking, leaving only smooth skin in its wake.
"No…I'm not. I'm not ashamed of you."
"Then why?" Charlie kept looking at him with those blue eyes, the sort that looked to have bled out onto the whites mixing them milky blue grey. He lowered his eyes, and shook his head. Danny kept looking, before he turned. He couldn't – wouldn't expose himself to this heart break.
He'd thought Charlie wanted to kiss him. He'd thought that it was mutual. Maybe he just wasn't enough. He feels the ghost of a hand on his cheek, opening his eyes onto those blue ones. He feels angry, then. Upset as to why Charlie would lead him on like that. He'd put himself on the line, admitted to feeling something for another man, of all things, and now he just felt sort of used. And dirty.
Anyway it might be better like this. Why would Charlie want to be involved in something so unlawful as homosexuality anyway? He has no idea what was going through his head, Charlie Davis was a stickler for rules, in fact, he loved them. Why would he do something out of his character as love another man? Danny wants to laugh, and cry at the same time. How could he have convinced himself that this was okay? Maybe he should turn himself in right now, if he can't even manage to keep his hands off a mate.
"Because I think you're a stupid boy." Danny turns, mouth opening, upset and confused but unable to find the words. He has to look away a moment later. He can't look at him, and see that face he was so in love with.
Stupid boy. Wasn't that what everyone thought he was? Handsome, but not smart enough to be anything more than a constable. Pretty and good to look at but not good at reports and practicality like Charlie was. Was that Charlie letting him down nicely? Telling him off for his actions? His eyes are still wet. The light is putting halos around everything because of the tears in his eyes. It seemed Charlie wasn't done humiliating him yet.
"A stupid, wonderful boy." Danny whips back around. "You're not like me. You think love is beautiful and good and pure." He continued, "And you can't- You can't. Not like this. You think Jean and Blake are going to keep loving you even if you're like this when there's no reason to think that. To think they wouldn't turn on you in a heartbeat when push came to shove. You're not all bent up and cynical like the rest of us." He said. It's the most Danny has heard him say in one go possibly in his whole time back in Ballarat. "And I love that about you."
Love? Danny turns half around to face Charlie again. He's where he was, face now officially streaked with tears.
"You don't think they'd still like you, if you were a homosexual?"
"I'm no stranger to the likes of us, Danny." Charlie said, in a soft voice. "So right now, you have to understand. I can't. I can't. I can't." Pause. "But I want to." Danny looked back at him fully now Charlie'd said his piece. He kept looking at him. He can't break the eye contact, though he wants to.
"They're our friends."
"I know they are."
"Don't you care about that?"
"Of course I do. That's why we can't. Because I can't-WE can't lose them." Danny moved closer again.
"The doctor wouldn't care."
"I know that. But Jean would. And he cares about her a hell of a lot more then he cares about us." It occurs to Danny, just then, that Charlie has a very warped view of the world. Not that it was his fault, of course. He reached out and pulled Charlie into his arms. He smelt like aftershave and the faintest hint of sweat. He finds his own face is damp and as much as he hates to admit it, loathes to admit it, Charlie is right. It's not safe to come out. It might never be safe to tell anyone.
"No one has to know." He whispered, as Charlie sniffed slightly. "Won't you even try?" He asked, softly. "Because I don't know how it works for you, but I want to be with you. I want to try. I just. I just like being around you." Charlie has his arms around Danny's shoulders, and has his face resting there as well.
"Danny…"
"Please? No one has to know. Just let me try, let me show you that it could be good."
"I know it could be good, you idiot." Charlie murmured. He still seems unconvinced, but then his whispers "We can try." Even though their in the hallway lamenting together that they can't tell even their closest friends about something that felt good and right, Danny feels that little burst of pride in his chest. He smiles. Charlie is smiling as well, when he pulls out of Danny's arms. He turns now, placing his hand on the handle to his room.
"Night, Danny."
"Night."
And just like that, he was gone for another night.