Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 8, or any characters therein. The plot for this story is from my own imagination though. YAY Squaresoft! *ahem*
All I Really Want
(Prologue)
I took a sip from the wine glass intwined in my gloved hand. The wine tasted bitter, and I had to fight the urge to spit it back out. I don't even like wine. I only took took it because Irvine brought me a glass. He pranced around me doing his impression of a chocobo, but Hyne only knows why. I have to admit though, it was kind of funny.
"Quisty! Smile for me!" I turned to see Selphie holding her video camera. She'd been harrassing everyone with it all night.
"Aw Selphie! Turn it off!" I turned away, and looked back, "I don't want that thing on me."
"Just say hi to the camera and smile! I'll leave you alone----"
"Alright, alright." I smiled my best and waved.
"Great! Keep smiling----" She took a few steps closer.
Irvine popped his head up in front of me. "Irvine!" she cried, "You ruined my shot!"
I was just getting comfortable too. It's not very often I've been in the spotlight. But don't get me wrong, I kind of like it that way.
"Hey!" I said stepping back.
"Yo Selphie! I'll give you a better shot." he said putting his arm around me. I tried to shove him off, he smelled kind of gross, like some sort of cheap cologne that some of the junior classmen buy. I stepped on his foot causing him to pull back. I stomped off in the other direction. "C'mon! I was only foolin'!" I heard him call after me.
Who could I talk to now? There weren't many people I knew here, and I don't want to go and talk to some total stranger. Where is everybody anyway? I looked around again and spotted Cid. He was looking around at all the people loitering at the food table. He was someone I could talk to, I mean, I could have a better conversation with him than I could with some people my own age.... Well, except Xu, she's a good conversationalist, and someone with a good attention span.
"Headmaster, how are you doing?" I said as I walked up to him. He turned to me and smiled.
"Quistis? Why aren't you with the others?"
With the others? I would be if I could find where most of them went.
"I had to get away from Selphie," I laughed, "she's-"
"Right behind you." he chuckled raising his wine glass. I turned around to see her holding the camera. I smiled and shook my head. Turning back to Cid I laughed, "-got her camera"
I heard her giggle.
"So how are enjoying the festival?" I asked.
He scratched his head, "It's great, Selphie did I fantastic job."
I nodded. It's true. In the passed little while, she managed to get well over a hundred poeple to help her with the Garden Festival, which is not an easy task. I'm surprised she still wanted to do this though, but I guess she's not one for giving up when things get tough. I admire her for that.
Cid looked to his side and smiled. I looked in the direction he was smiling to see a very old friend.
Matron.
She was just as beautiful as ever. It's like she was frozen in time, she still looked the same as I had remembered her from when I was a youngster. She smiled and walked to Cid's side.
"Hello Matron." I smiled, "How are you doing?"
"Oh, just fine, dear." she smiled back. She looked at me, "My how you've grown!"
"I know! All the children have grown taller than we are!" Cid chuckled. Edea laughed and lightly hit his chest. She was about to say something, when something stepped up behind me basking the couple in shadow. Edea and Cid looked up. They looked pretty astonished. I pivoted my head to see Irvine. He came to my side and took off his hat.
"Cid, Matron." he bowed slightly.
Edea chuckled, "My what a charming young man you've become."
Heh, she had no idea how "charming" he really was. The poor woman would probably die if she knew what this guy had been up to.
"I just wanted to say hi to the both of you. Selphie wanted to say hi to you too!" he turned away, then turned back, "Just one sec." Cid and Edea nodded at him.
"Good luck getting her out from behind the camera." I whispered. I looked in time to see him wrestle the camera from her grasp. I let out a giggle when I saw her swipe his hat. She put it on and skipped towards me.
"Hello Matron! Hello Headmaster!" she beamed.
They both smiled. Selphie grabbed my arm and pulled me toward Irvine. He may know his way around guns, but he sure was a ditz with electronics.
"Selphie, somethings wrong."he chanted as he fiddled with the camera, "The pictures not right!"
He had the camera on it's side.
His antics were far from boring, I'll give him that much.
"Uh, I think you've got it on it's side...." I laughed.
He gave me an awkward look. Selphie sighed, and started waving her hands, "Turn it around!"
He started turning the camera, "Keep going!" she coaxed.
He got the thing right side up finally. "There! Perfect!" Selphie giggled. She linked arms with me to and waved to the camera. Feeling a little more loosended up than I was earlier, I smiled and waved too.
"Hiya Irvy!" Selphie called. I raised an eyebrow as he turned the camera off of us and pointed it in another direction. I saw the little grin on his face as he waved to someone on the other side of the room. I looked to see I group of giggling female students. Oh man, I knew he'd catch it from Selphie now! I tried to contain my laughter as he turned back to us. Selphie unlinked her arm from mine and started yelling at Irvine. I always knew Irvine really liked her, but I guess old habits die hard. Looking at them, I realized they would actually make a really cute couple......if she can ever extinguish his "wandering eye" disease. She turned back to me and started pushing me away.
"C'mon, we don't need to hang around with a pervert like this!" I heard her growl.
"Selphie! Don't be that way!" Irvine said as he followed us with the camera. I couldn't help but smile. This evening was turning out to be quite fun after all.
I felt Selphie elbow me, "Look! It's Zell!" My gaze followed the direction of her pointing finger. He was sitting at a table with a huge plate of hotdogs in front of him. Some girl was staring at him. I could tell she was trying to talk to him, but he was too absorbed in his plate of hotdogs to seem to even notice, and she looked just as absorbed in him. Selphie and I both laughed as Zell shoved too much hot dog into his mouth at a time. He reminded me of a chipmunk.
"Look! He's got pudgy cheeks!" Selphie cried. I think he heard though. How do I know? Well, right after she cried that, his face started turning a weird shade of red.
I crossed my arms, "Is he alright...?"
Selphie took a couple steps closer, "I don't know."
He reached for his drink, and found there was none left I guess, because he dropped the glass. I felt bad for the girl at his side though. She was looking a little panicked.
"I think you guys should go help him!!!" Irvine cried. I turned and looked at him. He was right beside us now taping Zell.
"What about you?" I asked.
"Heh, I'll be right here taping the whole thing! This is great stuff!"
I rolled my eyes. Selphie and I rushed over, causing Zell's admirer to step back, and we started hitting Zell's back. I mean really! If he didn't eat so fast, he wouldn't have this sort of thing happen! Maybe later he should go to "H.D.A."
Hot Dogs Anonymous. I think he has a real problem.....
We stopped hitting him, and Selphie leaned over.
"Are you alright?"
He turned his head. Though I couldn't see the look on his face, I had a feeling he wasn't happy because Selphie sort of backed off.
Then, he just jumped out of his chair, almost sending me toppling backwards. I'm not sure what he yelled, because his mouth was still full, but I took off. I think Selphie was behind me too. I could hear Irvine laughing hysterically and I turned around just in time to see Zell huck a huge loaf of bread at the camera. Now THAT was funny! Irvine started readjusting the camera and came back towards Selphie and I.
"Irvine!" I turned to look too. Selphie enthusiastically pointed at the balcony,"C'mon! You've got to get this!"
Irvine rushed passed me and stood facing the balcony. What were they so excited about? I walked over and stood behind them.
"Zoom in! Zoom in!" Selphie giggled. I looked out and see Rinoa, but I couldn't see who else was with her. Duh, of course it would be Squall... They've been practically attached since we got back to the Garden.
I'm not jealous.
Rinoa pointed up at something and smiled.
"Damn!!!!!" was all I heard. I think it was Irvine, but I wasn't really paying attention.
I saw Squall step into view. He was smiling, actually smiling......
"Did you recharge the batteries for this thing Selph?"
"Of course I did!"
Squall reached over and took Rinoa's hand. Okay, maybe I'm a little jealous......
"Well you must not of! They're dead!" I could still hear Irvine ranting, but I didn't really care.
Squall stepped closer to her, and tilted his head. "Oh Hyne no!" I screamed in my head.
He bent down a little more, and kissed Rinoa.
Okay, now I'm jealous.
I felt kind of queezy.... I didn't need to see anymore... I turned away and I think skulked is a good word for what I was doing......... I'm glad no one seemed to notice I was making a run for it. I didn't want anyone around me right now.
I walked out of the quad into the Garden's main hall. The halls are nice at times like this. No loitering. No talking. Just silence, utterly blissful silence. Everyone was at the Festival.... except me, of course. I feel so tired...so drained.
I walked back to my dorm. I remember the first night I spent in here after all of us got back from time compression. The bed never felt so soft and comfy. It was better than sleeping in the barracks on the Ragnarok. Those beds were bunk beds, and they were the most uncomfortable beds known to man.
I opened my door and stretched..
I yawned. "Man I'm tired." I said to myself as I sat down on my bed, and looked around.
It's so quiet.
I mean, I know I just said I like the "blissful silence", but sitting here, in my room...isn't that blissful. I feel kind of restless now actually.I shook my head and laid back. I kind of feel like going for a walk..... Yeah, I think that'd be good.
I stood up and opened my door. Something's missing...
I looked around the room and my eyes fell on my Save the Queen lying on my desk. I debated for a bit on whether I should bring it or not, but, I ended up leaving it behind as I entered the hall and shut the door behind me.
Where should I go? Where's a good thinking spot?
The sound of my steps echoed down the dim hallway.
The secret area?
I turned the corner and opened the steel doors leading into the main hall.
No. There's probably some liplocked couple there right now.
The observation deck?
.......Yeah. This time of night, over the ocean will probably be a refreshing change from my stuffy dorm.
I headed for the elevator and pushed the button. The doors opened and I stepped in.
I really need to just think for a bit. Why? Well, I guess....because...I realized I do have a lot to think about.
The elevator buzzed and the doors slid open. I stepped out and made my way down the circular hall to the stairs going to the observe. deck.
I shoved open the heavy doors, and felt a nice breeze play with my hair. I love places like this. The sounds, the lighting, everything.
I leaned on the railing and looked down. The ocean waves crashed and glittered in the moonlight. My heart jumped a little.
That's a loooooong drop. I've seen worse though, like the first time I looked out the window of the Raganarok. I guess that was a little scary, but not too much.
When you're in SeeD, you see a lot of stuff, and are in a lot of situations that are scary enough to make any normal person's blood run cold. We were constantly in some kind of danger on missions, and considering the last several months, it seemed we weren't even safe in our Garden either. That makes me kind of nervous..... I don't want to have to go through another war, or near death experiences. I think the battle with Ultemecia cured me of lusting for adventure, but I don't know, I seem to be the only one who feels this way. Of course, I've never asked anyone how they felt now, or confided in them about my feelings. Squall had also cured me of the urge to do that. I keep to myself a little more than I used to. It's not that bad. I find that I like to be alone sometimes... But not all the time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not like Squall now or anything, but I'm thinking maybe he was on to something. I mean, very few critcized him about his feelings....Well, I guess Rinoa and I are the exceptions. I always bugged him to open up, and tell me what he's feeling, and he always shrugged me off. Rinoa comes and bugs him, and then all of a sudden, he starts opening up and even on the balcony a little while ago, he smiled! He, 'Mr. Mind your Own Business', smiled! I just can;t get over that.... Yeah, I am pretty jealous. And I feel sort of bad for Rinoa at the same time. I was kind of hard on her when we first met. But I know she must be a good person if she was even able to make Squall happy......
Sigh......
But was I hard on her because I thought of her as competition?
Competition for what? For Squall? I think that's true, but stupid. He wasn't even interested in me in the first place.... but I guess my jealousy drove me to act the way I did. I mean, I liked him for a long time, I still do, and I have to admit, I'm hurting right now. When I saw those two kiss, I felt like Squall was betraying me, like he was "cheating" on me.
How delusional is that?
I guess it's beacause I had put my whole heart into loving him, and when he turned it down, I felt like he was dumping me.....but I don't have any real closure so.... I'm stuck like this for a while....
I'm loyal to him as if he were mine, and I think that's pretty sad. I know he wouldn't have flung himself into space without thinking of the consequences, if it had been me out there helplessly drifting into oblivion.
..................?
I stood up straight and stepped back from the railing. I realization came over me, one that even to my own surprise, I hadn't even considered.
I think I resent Squall. Not Rinoa, but Squall.....
I resent him for hurting me. I resent him for not loving me. I resent him for not rescuing me, protecting me from the dangers in this world. I'm mad at him because I care for him so much.. He dashed my heart, and emotionally, I'm a wreck at times. I need help, I need to get away and heal...
I need someone of my own....
I want to live happily ever after.....
I want a loving husband, and a family someday....
I want a house with a picket fence, and one of those yappy little dogs.....
I want to grow old with a special someone, be a grandmother.....
I think, maybe, that's all I really want...
A life, a family.
How am I going to get away? And, also, what about when I'm older? How can I have a family if I'm in SeeD? We're a military school.... Also, I don't think I'd want to meet a future husband here. Most the men here plan on staying after graduation and continung their careers as SeeDs. I wanted to do that a while ago too....but now, I'm not so sure.... I'm not really sure of a lot of things anymore.
I laid awake that night, I couldn't sleep. When I returned to my room earlier, I found a note tucked into the side of my door. It was from Cid, something about wanting to meet with me in his office tomorrow. I have a feeling I know why too......
So that, added on top of everything else on my mind, made it difficult for me to get to sleep. There were lots of questions going through my head, and they were ones I didn't have any answers for, not just yet anyway. Mainly things like, "What am I going to do now?"
"Will it turn out?", "How's this going to happen?"
I had so much more to debate now. So many more things to sort out and decide upon. I feel like the heavy weight on my heart, has distributed itself to my mind. I'm not going to wallow in self pity about it though. I want to work al this out.
Then, it hit me.
The idea frightened me at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it would be for the best.......
I woke up to the sound of my alarm. I looked at the harsh red numbers with blurry eyes.
Time to go see the Headmaster.
I got up and headed straight for the shower, undressing as I went. The hot water felt nice on my skin, and seemed to help wake me up. I turned off the water, and stepped out. While I dried my hair, I was looking at myself in the foggy mirror in my bathroom. My image was all blurry, and seemed to match the thoughts in my head right about now. I hadn't slept barely at all, I was too busy making my decision....
After picking up the pajamas I discarded on the way to the shower, I took my SeeD uniform out of my dresser. I really love this uniform. It was such an honor to me when I received 3 years ago. I put it on and stood in front of the mirror again.
I looked so... official, and a little serious. But I think I always look serious, it's just who I am.
I reached for my hair clip on the back of the sink, but, I pulled my hand back. I don't think I'll need it today. Instead I combed my fingers through my blond hair and walked out of the bathroom. I headed for the door leading out and opened it, I looked back at the room once, then shut the door behind me.
The walk to the elevator seemed like the longest, most difficult thing I've had to do. Even more difficult than Ultimecia. Some students were staring at me as I went. Maybe it was because my hair wasn't up as it always had been, or maybe because my eyes seemed to be fixed in a vacant stare, I'm not sure. Frankly, I didn't give a damn.
"Hold the elevator!" I cried as the doors began to close. I saw a hand come out and hold the door. I stepped in.
"Thank you." I said.
The student looked at me, "What floor?"
"The 3rd please."
He nodded, "Meeting with the Headmaster?"
As if it's any of your business.. "Yes actually." I said straightening my uniform. He just nodded and and looked at the door. The elevator stopped on the second floor, and he stepped out. The doors closed again, just leaving me in there alone.
I'm so thankful for that...
I didn't want anyone to see me right now. I started sweating as the elevator ascended. My eyes were fixed on the numbers above the door.
The elevator stopped, shaking me out of my trance. The doors opened in front of me revealing the door to Cid's office. My feet felt like lead as I stepped out of the elevator. I wiped the sweat from my forehead, why am I so scared?
.......Well, it's understandible...This is a big decision, one that took me a majority of last night to make. I reached for the door knob and noticed my hands were shaking. Taking a deep breath, I turned the knob and opened the door.
I walked up to the lift and stood on it. It lifted me to the control room for the Garden. When I reached the top, I was surprised to not only see Cid, Xu, and to my surprise, Squall as well. But he was the "Commander" so I shouldn't have been all that surprised. They all had their eyes on me as I stepped off the lift.
"You wanted to see me?" I asked standing tall.
Cid nodded, "I take it you got the note? I was trying to find you at the Festival last night, but you seemed to have had disappeared on us."
I nodded, "Yes, I...decided to retire early. What did you want to talk to me about..?"
As if I don't already know...
He pushed his glasses up onto his nose, "We, meaning all of us present," he looked around at everyone. Xu was smiling at me. Squall was just staring, which made me little uneasy.
"We were wondering if you would like to become an Instructor for us again. We feel you thoroughly deserve it! You've accomplished a lot in the last little while, and proved yourself capable of teaching our future Seeds."
I knew it. I knew that's what he was going to say.
Xu tilted her head, "So...what do you say Quistis?"
"I......" My mouth was dry, my mind was a blur of possibilities, but, here goes......
"No." I said clasping my hands behind my back. Everyone sort of just.....stared at me, I think in shock. What did they think I was going to say? 'Sure, I'll lead a bunch of teenagers to die before their thirties.' Those were the general statistics for the average SeeD, not very many of them lived to see their 30th birthday. I didn't want any part of it.
That was conclusion I'd come to last night.
"No?" Cid repeated as if he was trying to convince himself.
I nodded and took a deep breath, "Actually, I wanted to inform you that I'm resigning from SeeD. I plan on leaving the day after tomorrow." I wanted to leave here as soon as I could, before I had a chance to change my mind for any reason.
Xu took a step toward me, "Why?"
I sort of shuffled around for a moment. How can I say this..?
"Last night," I began, "I took a long hard look at my life and decided on what was best for my future, and in all honestly, SeeD doesn't seem to be a part of it."
I don't know what they wanted to hear, but that was the only answer I had.
Cid cleared his throat and scratched his head, "Well, I don't really know what to say..... Are you sure you want to do this?"
I nodded again, "I put a lot of thought into it, believe me." I could see Squall in the corner of my eye. The look on his face surprised me...He looked, kind of surprised. He lowered his face.
What was wrong with him?
Cid looked at me and smiled, "Well, I---wish you all the best." he he reached out his hand, "Good luck Ms. Trepe."
I smiled and shook his hand, "Thank you sir."
I'm going to need it.......
Author's Note: Finally! It took me forever to get this finished! So what do think? Yes, I'm going to turn this into a Quall, so all of you who don't like them, TURN BACK NOW!!!! Also, if you feel the need to flame me.....PLEASE DON'T!!! I'm a writer on the edge!!!! Heh heh, just kidding..... If you want, chapter 1 is coming soon!
All I Really Want
(Prologue)
I took a sip from the wine glass intwined in my gloved hand. The wine tasted bitter, and I had to fight the urge to spit it back out. I don't even like wine. I only took took it because Irvine brought me a glass. He pranced around me doing his impression of a chocobo, but Hyne only knows why. I have to admit though, it was kind of funny.
"Quisty! Smile for me!" I turned to see Selphie holding her video camera. She'd been harrassing everyone with it all night.
"Aw Selphie! Turn it off!" I turned away, and looked back, "I don't want that thing on me."
"Just say hi to the camera and smile! I'll leave you alone----"
"Alright, alright." I smiled my best and waved.
"Great! Keep smiling----" She took a few steps closer.
Irvine popped his head up in front of me. "Irvine!" she cried, "You ruined my shot!"
I was just getting comfortable too. It's not very often I've been in the spotlight. But don't get me wrong, I kind of like it that way.
"Hey!" I said stepping back.
"Yo Selphie! I'll give you a better shot." he said putting his arm around me. I tried to shove him off, he smelled kind of gross, like some sort of cheap cologne that some of the junior classmen buy. I stepped on his foot causing him to pull back. I stomped off in the other direction. "C'mon! I was only foolin'!" I heard him call after me.
Who could I talk to now? There weren't many people I knew here, and I don't want to go and talk to some total stranger. Where is everybody anyway? I looked around again and spotted Cid. He was looking around at all the people loitering at the food table. He was someone I could talk to, I mean, I could have a better conversation with him than I could with some people my own age.... Well, except Xu, she's a good conversationalist, and someone with a good attention span.
"Headmaster, how are you doing?" I said as I walked up to him. He turned to me and smiled.
"Quistis? Why aren't you with the others?"
With the others? I would be if I could find where most of them went.
"I had to get away from Selphie," I laughed, "she's-"
"Right behind you." he chuckled raising his wine glass. I turned around to see her holding the camera. I smiled and shook my head. Turning back to Cid I laughed, "-got her camera"
I heard her giggle.
"So how are enjoying the festival?" I asked.
He scratched his head, "It's great, Selphie did I fantastic job."
I nodded. It's true. In the passed little while, she managed to get well over a hundred poeple to help her with the Garden Festival, which is not an easy task. I'm surprised she still wanted to do this though, but I guess she's not one for giving up when things get tough. I admire her for that.
Cid looked to his side and smiled. I looked in the direction he was smiling to see a very old friend.
Matron.
She was just as beautiful as ever. It's like she was frozen in time, she still looked the same as I had remembered her from when I was a youngster. She smiled and walked to Cid's side.
"Hello Matron." I smiled, "How are you doing?"
"Oh, just fine, dear." she smiled back. She looked at me, "My how you've grown!"
"I know! All the children have grown taller than we are!" Cid chuckled. Edea laughed and lightly hit his chest. She was about to say something, when something stepped up behind me basking the couple in shadow. Edea and Cid looked up. They looked pretty astonished. I pivoted my head to see Irvine. He came to my side and took off his hat.
"Cid, Matron." he bowed slightly.
Edea chuckled, "My what a charming young man you've become."
Heh, she had no idea how "charming" he really was. The poor woman would probably die if she knew what this guy had been up to.
"I just wanted to say hi to the both of you. Selphie wanted to say hi to you too!" he turned away, then turned back, "Just one sec." Cid and Edea nodded at him.
"Good luck getting her out from behind the camera." I whispered. I looked in time to see him wrestle the camera from her grasp. I let out a giggle when I saw her swipe his hat. She put it on and skipped towards me.
"Hello Matron! Hello Headmaster!" she beamed.
They both smiled. Selphie grabbed my arm and pulled me toward Irvine. He may know his way around guns, but he sure was a ditz with electronics.
"Selphie, somethings wrong."he chanted as he fiddled with the camera, "The pictures not right!"
He had the camera on it's side.
His antics were far from boring, I'll give him that much.
"Uh, I think you've got it on it's side...." I laughed.
He gave me an awkward look. Selphie sighed, and started waving her hands, "Turn it around!"
He started turning the camera, "Keep going!" she coaxed.
He got the thing right side up finally. "There! Perfect!" Selphie giggled. She linked arms with me to and waved to the camera. Feeling a little more loosended up than I was earlier, I smiled and waved too.
"Hiya Irvy!" Selphie called. I raised an eyebrow as he turned the camera off of us and pointed it in another direction. I saw the little grin on his face as he waved to someone on the other side of the room. I looked to see I group of giggling female students. Oh man, I knew he'd catch it from Selphie now! I tried to contain my laughter as he turned back to us. Selphie unlinked her arm from mine and started yelling at Irvine. I always knew Irvine really liked her, but I guess old habits die hard. Looking at them, I realized they would actually make a really cute couple......if she can ever extinguish his "wandering eye" disease. She turned back to me and started pushing me away.
"C'mon, we don't need to hang around with a pervert like this!" I heard her growl.
"Selphie! Don't be that way!" Irvine said as he followed us with the camera. I couldn't help but smile. This evening was turning out to be quite fun after all.
I felt Selphie elbow me, "Look! It's Zell!" My gaze followed the direction of her pointing finger. He was sitting at a table with a huge plate of hotdogs in front of him. Some girl was staring at him. I could tell she was trying to talk to him, but he was too absorbed in his plate of hotdogs to seem to even notice, and she looked just as absorbed in him. Selphie and I both laughed as Zell shoved too much hot dog into his mouth at a time. He reminded me of a chipmunk.
"Look! He's got pudgy cheeks!" Selphie cried. I think he heard though. How do I know? Well, right after she cried that, his face started turning a weird shade of red.
I crossed my arms, "Is he alright...?"
Selphie took a couple steps closer, "I don't know."
He reached for his drink, and found there was none left I guess, because he dropped the glass. I felt bad for the girl at his side though. She was looking a little panicked.
"I think you guys should go help him!!!" Irvine cried. I turned and looked at him. He was right beside us now taping Zell.
"What about you?" I asked.
"Heh, I'll be right here taping the whole thing! This is great stuff!"
I rolled my eyes. Selphie and I rushed over, causing Zell's admirer to step back, and we started hitting Zell's back. I mean really! If he didn't eat so fast, he wouldn't have this sort of thing happen! Maybe later he should go to "H.D.A."
Hot Dogs Anonymous. I think he has a real problem.....
We stopped hitting him, and Selphie leaned over.
"Are you alright?"
He turned his head. Though I couldn't see the look on his face, I had a feeling he wasn't happy because Selphie sort of backed off.
Then, he just jumped out of his chair, almost sending me toppling backwards. I'm not sure what he yelled, because his mouth was still full, but I took off. I think Selphie was behind me too. I could hear Irvine laughing hysterically and I turned around just in time to see Zell huck a huge loaf of bread at the camera. Now THAT was funny! Irvine started readjusting the camera and came back towards Selphie and I.
"Irvine!" I turned to look too. Selphie enthusiastically pointed at the balcony,"C'mon! You've got to get this!"
Irvine rushed passed me and stood facing the balcony. What were they so excited about? I walked over and stood behind them.
"Zoom in! Zoom in!" Selphie giggled. I looked out and see Rinoa, but I couldn't see who else was with her. Duh, of course it would be Squall... They've been practically attached since we got back to the Garden.
I'm not jealous.
Rinoa pointed up at something and smiled.
"Damn!!!!!" was all I heard. I think it was Irvine, but I wasn't really paying attention.
I saw Squall step into view. He was smiling, actually smiling......
"Did you recharge the batteries for this thing Selph?"
"Of course I did!"
Squall reached over and took Rinoa's hand. Okay, maybe I'm a little jealous......
"Well you must not of! They're dead!" I could still hear Irvine ranting, but I didn't really care.
Squall stepped closer to her, and tilted his head. "Oh Hyne no!" I screamed in my head.
He bent down a little more, and kissed Rinoa.
Okay, now I'm jealous.
I felt kind of queezy.... I didn't need to see anymore... I turned away and I think skulked is a good word for what I was doing......... I'm glad no one seemed to notice I was making a run for it. I didn't want anyone around me right now.
I walked out of the quad into the Garden's main hall. The halls are nice at times like this. No loitering. No talking. Just silence, utterly blissful silence. Everyone was at the Festival.... except me, of course. I feel so tired...so drained.
I walked back to my dorm. I remember the first night I spent in here after all of us got back from time compression. The bed never felt so soft and comfy. It was better than sleeping in the barracks on the Ragnarok. Those beds were bunk beds, and they were the most uncomfortable beds known to man.
I opened my door and stretched..
I yawned. "Man I'm tired." I said to myself as I sat down on my bed, and looked around.
It's so quiet.
I mean, I know I just said I like the "blissful silence", but sitting here, in my room...isn't that blissful. I feel kind of restless now actually.I shook my head and laid back. I kind of feel like going for a walk..... Yeah, I think that'd be good.
I stood up and opened my door. Something's missing...
I looked around the room and my eyes fell on my Save the Queen lying on my desk. I debated for a bit on whether I should bring it or not, but, I ended up leaving it behind as I entered the hall and shut the door behind me.
Where should I go? Where's a good thinking spot?
The sound of my steps echoed down the dim hallway.
The secret area?
I turned the corner and opened the steel doors leading into the main hall.
No. There's probably some liplocked couple there right now.
The observation deck?
.......Yeah. This time of night, over the ocean will probably be a refreshing change from my stuffy dorm.
I headed for the elevator and pushed the button. The doors opened and I stepped in.
I really need to just think for a bit. Why? Well, I guess....because...I realized I do have a lot to think about.
The elevator buzzed and the doors slid open. I stepped out and made my way down the circular hall to the stairs going to the observe. deck.
I shoved open the heavy doors, and felt a nice breeze play with my hair. I love places like this. The sounds, the lighting, everything.
I leaned on the railing and looked down. The ocean waves crashed and glittered in the moonlight. My heart jumped a little.
That's a loooooong drop. I've seen worse though, like the first time I looked out the window of the Raganarok. I guess that was a little scary, but not too much.
When you're in SeeD, you see a lot of stuff, and are in a lot of situations that are scary enough to make any normal person's blood run cold. We were constantly in some kind of danger on missions, and considering the last several months, it seemed we weren't even safe in our Garden either. That makes me kind of nervous..... I don't want to have to go through another war, or near death experiences. I think the battle with Ultemecia cured me of lusting for adventure, but I don't know, I seem to be the only one who feels this way. Of course, I've never asked anyone how they felt now, or confided in them about my feelings. Squall had also cured me of the urge to do that. I keep to myself a little more than I used to. It's not that bad. I find that I like to be alone sometimes... But not all the time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not like Squall now or anything, but I'm thinking maybe he was on to something. I mean, very few critcized him about his feelings....Well, I guess Rinoa and I are the exceptions. I always bugged him to open up, and tell me what he's feeling, and he always shrugged me off. Rinoa comes and bugs him, and then all of a sudden, he starts opening up and even on the balcony a little while ago, he smiled! He, 'Mr. Mind your Own Business', smiled! I just can;t get over that.... Yeah, I am pretty jealous. And I feel sort of bad for Rinoa at the same time. I was kind of hard on her when we first met. But I know she must be a good person if she was even able to make Squall happy......
Sigh......
But was I hard on her because I thought of her as competition?
Competition for what? For Squall? I think that's true, but stupid. He wasn't even interested in me in the first place.... but I guess my jealousy drove me to act the way I did. I mean, I liked him for a long time, I still do, and I have to admit, I'm hurting right now. When I saw those two kiss, I felt like Squall was betraying me, like he was "cheating" on me.
How delusional is that?
I guess it's beacause I had put my whole heart into loving him, and when he turned it down, I felt like he was dumping me.....but I don't have any real closure so.... I'm stuck like this for a while....
I'm loyal to him as if he were mine, and I think that's pretty sad. I know he wouldn't have flung himself into space without thinking of the consequences, if it had been me out there helplessly drifting into oblivion.
..................?
I stood up straight and stepped back from the railing. I realization came over me, one that even to my own surprise, I hadn't even considered.
I think I resent Squall. Not Rinoa, but Squall.....
I resent him for hurting me. I resent him for not loving me. I resent him for not rescuing me, protecting me from the dangers in this world. I'm mad at him because I care for him so much.. He dashed my heart, and emotionally, I'm a wreck at times. I need help, I need to get away and heal...
I need someone of my own....
I want to live happily ever after.....
I want a loving husband, and a family someday....
I want a house with a picket fence, and one of those yappy little dogs.....
I want to grow old with a special someone, be a grandmother.....
I think, maybe, that's all I really want...
A life, a family.
How am I going to get away? And, also, what about when I'm older? How can I have a family if I'm in SeeD? We're a military school.... Also, I don't think I'd want to meet a future husband here. Most the men here plan on staying after graduation and continung their careers as SeeDs. I wanted to do that a while ago too....but now, I'm not so sure.... I'm not really sure of a lot of things anymore.
I laid awake that night, I couldn't sleep. When I returned to my room earlier, I found a note tucked into the side of my door. It was from Cid, something about wanting to meet with me in his office tomorrow. I have a feeling I know why too......
So that, added on top of everything else on my mind, made it difficult for me to get to sleep. There were lots of questions going through my head, and they were ones I didn't have any answers for, not just yet anyway. Mainly things like, "What am I going to do now?"
"Will it turn out?", "How's this going to happen?"
I had so much more to debate now. So many more things to sort out and decide upon. I feel like the heavy weight on my heart, has distributed itself to my mind. I'm not going to wallow in self pity about it though. I want to work al this out.
Then, it hit me.
The idea frightened me at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it would be for the best.......
I woke up to the sound of my alarm. I looked at the harsh red numbers with blurry eyes.
Time to go see the Headmaster.
I got up and headed straight for the shower, undressing as I went. The hot water felt nice on my skin, and seemed to help wake me up. I turned off the water, and stepped out. While I dried my hair, I was looking at myself in the foggy mirror in my bathroom. My image was all blurry, and seemed to match the thoughts in my head right about now. I hadn't slept barely at all, I was too busy making my decision....
After picking up the pajamas I discarded on the way to the shower, I took my SeeD uniform out of my dresser. I really love this uniform. It was such an honor to me when I received 3 years ago. I put it on and stood in front of the mirror again.
I looked so... official, and a little serious. But I think I always look serious, it's just who I am.
I reached for my hair clip on the back of the sink, but, I pulled my hand back. I don't think I'll need it today. Instead I combed my fingers through my blond hair and walked out of the bathroom. I headed for the door leading out and opened it, I looked back at the room once, then shut the door behind me.
The walk to the elevator seemed like the longest, most difficult thing I've had to do. Even more difficult than Ultimecia. Some students were staring at me as I went. Maybe it was because my hair wasn't up as it always had been, or maybe because my eyes seemed to be fixed in a vacant stare, I'm not sure. Frankly, I didn't give a damn.
"Hold the elevator!" I cried as the doors began to close. I saw a hand come out and hold the door. I stepped in.
"Thank you." I said.
The student looked at me, "What floor?"
"The 3rd please."
He nodded, "Meeting with the Headmaster?"
As if it's any of your business.. "Yes actually." I said straightening my uniform. He just nodded and and looked at the door. The elevator stopped on the second floor, and he stepped out. The doors closed again, just leaving me in there alone.
I'm so thankful for that...
I didn't want anyone to see me right now. I started sweating as the elevator ascended. My eyes were fixed on the numbers above the door.
The elevator stopped, shaking me out of my trance. The doors opened in front of me revealing the door to Cid's office. My feet felt like lead as I stepped out of the elevator. I wiped the sweat from my forehead, why am I so scared?
.......Well, it's understandible...This is a big decision, one that took me a majority of last night to make. I reached for the door knob and noticed my hands were shaking. Taking a deep breath, I turned the knob and opened the door.
I walked up to the lift and stood on it. It lifted me to the control room for the Garden. When I reached the top, I was surprised to not only see Cid, Xu, and to my surprise, Squall as well. But he was the "Commander" so I shouldn't have been all that surprised. They all had their eyes on me as I stepped off the lift.
"You wanted to see me?" I asked standing tall.
Cid nodded, "I take it you got the note? I was trying to find you at the Festival last night, but you seemed to have had disappeared on us."
I nodded, "Yes, I...decided to retire early. What did you want to talk to me about..?"
As if I don't already know...
He pushed his glasses up onto his nose, "We, meaning all of us present," he looked around at everyone. Xu was smiling at me. Squall was just staring, which made me little uneasy.
"We were wondering if you would like to become an Instructor for us again. We feel you thoroughly deserve it! You've accomplished a lot in the last little while, and proved yourself capable of teaching our future Seeds."
I knew it. I knew that's what he was going to say.
Xu tilted her head, "So...what do you say Quistis?"
"I......" My mouth was dry, my mind was a blur of possibilities, but, here goes......
"No." I said clasping my hands behind my back. Everyone sort of just.....stared at me, I think in shock. What did they think I was going to say? 'Sure, I'll lead a bunch of teenagers to die before their thirties.' Those were the general statistics for the average SeeD, not very many of them lived to see their 30th birthday. I didn't want any part of it.
That was conclusion I'd come to last night.
"No?" Cid repeated as if he was trying to convince himself.
I nodded and took a deep breath, "Actually, I wanted to inform you that I'm resigning from SeeD. I plan on leaving the day after tomorrow." I wanted to leave here as soon as I could, before I had a chance to change my mind for any reason.
Xu took a step toward me, "Why?"
I sort of shuffled around for a moment. How can I say this..?
"Last night," I began, "I took a long hard look at my life and decided on what was best for my future, and in all honestly, SeeD doesn't seem to be a part of it."
I don't know what they wanted to hear, but that was the only answer I had.
Cid cleared his throat and scratched his head, "Well, I don't really know what to say..... Are you sure you want to do this?"
I nodded again, "I put a lot of thought into it, believe me." I could see Squall in the corner of my eye. The look on his face surprised me...He looked, kind of surprised. He lowered his face.
What was wrong with him?
Cid looked at me and smiled, "Well, I---wish you all the best." he he reached out his hand, "Good luck Ms. Trepe."
I smiled and shook his hand, "Thank you sir."
I'm going to need it.......
Author's Note: Finally! It took me forever to get this finished! So what do think? Yes, I'm going to turn this into a Quall, so all of you who don't like them, TURN BACK NOW!!!! Also, if you feel the need to flame me.....PLEASE DON'T!!! I'm a writer on the edge!!!! Heh heh, just kidding..... If you want, chapter 1 is coming soon!