"Mommy what's wrong?" asks a small voice. I force myself to pull my head up from my pillow, only to find my four year old daughter stare back at me, blue eyes filled with worry. I gently pick her up and place her on my lap. "Nothing Willow."
"Then why are you crying?" I kiss the top of her head. I never wanted to have to explain any of this. Especially not now. The time isn't right. She is too innocent and happy; I don't want to ruin that for her. But eventually the more complicated questions will come and Peeta and I will have to give answers. It might help just to start with the small stuff.
I take a deep breath and try to hold back the tears that are sure to make an appearance. "I lost somebody on this day Little Mockingjay." I use her nickname, the nickname that reminds me so much of Prim's.
"Who?" A sigh escapes my lungs. So we're going through this stage again.
"Must you answer everything with a question?"
Willow looks up at me a puzzled expression plastered on her small face. "Yes?"
I laugh. It is soft and halfhearted but, it still feels better than the constant sobbing. "I lost my younger sister Primrose." Willow furrows her brow and appears to be deep in thought; a reaction that I was not at all expecting. "Willow?" All of a sudden she jumps up from my lap and grabs my hand.
"Come on Mommy!" she exclaims while tugging vigorously.
NowI am the confused one. "Where are we going?"
"To find your sister." she replies like it is the most obvious thing in the world.
My body freezes. "What?"
"Mommy come on. We need to go find Primrose! You said you lost her." I fall back to the bed as tears sting my eyes. Willow thinks I literally lost Prim. "Don't worry I'll help you. I am really good at finding things. Remember when-" The bedroom door busts open interrupting Willow's words of reassurance. Peeta emerges from behind it his eyes automatically landing on the little girl in front of me.
"Willow, there you are! I thought I told you to let Mommy sleep?"
"But daddy she's not sleeping!" she says with a smile.
He sighs, clearly worn out by Willow's constant movement, even though it's still early in the day. Peeta takes a seat next to me on the bed and Willow immediately plants herself in his lap. He turns to face me. "Katniss, you okay?"
Of course I am not 'okay' but I still nod my head none the less. "It's just-"
"Daddy?" Willow asks.
Peeta kindly puts a finger to his lips. "Shh Willow. Don't interrupt your mother."
"But Daddy, it's important!" Peeta glances up at me with pleading eyes. I give him a look as if saying "go ahead".
"Okay Willow, what is it?" he asks.
"Can you help us?"
"Help who?"
"Me and Mommy."
"It's Mommy and I sweetie."
Willow scowls, which is one of the many traits she got from me. "No Daddy it's not you and Mommy, it's me and Mommy."
Peeta chuckles. "Okay. Now, what do you need help with?"
"Can you help us find Primrose, Mommy's little sister? She lost her." His expression completely morphs into confusion.
"Katniss?" he asks. I just shake my head and avoid his gaze, allowing the tears to flow. I honestly thought this would be easier. Why can't I just tell her that Prim's not lost, she's dead? Dead. Just like Finnick and Boggs and Rue. I guess it's because I'm afraid, or maybe just the fact that her previous reaction took me by complete surprise, but whatever the reason, I still owe her the truth.
"Willow, come here please." I do not sound very convincing but she obeys anyways.
"Yes, Mommy?" She looks at me questioningly.
I pull her into an comforting embrace, as I gather up the courage to speak. "Willow, Prim's not lost, she's dead." She hugs me tighter.
"Mommy I'm sorry." she mumbles into my shirt her voice quavering.
"It's okay Little Mockingjay. It's not your fault." It's at this moment right now, that I want to just tell her everything. About the Games, War, and life before hers, but I know I couldn't do that. Instead, I hold her close, glad that I no longer have to keep secrets from her, that I can tell her about the past. Of course that is, if it is the right time.