ANTS VS. LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING.
Author's Note: Yes, ants. Don't ask. It will be extremely strange and if you don't like strange, you wont like this fanfic. This fic is about an ant infestation that requires a whole lot more than pest control. I do not own anything as far as I know. Another thing, please read and review but don't whine on saying "Adams wouldn't write that, Adams wouldn't have Ford do the chicken dance with a purple flying dishwasher etc." because I have not got the books at the moment. A friend is borrowing them. That's right, I DO have friends (as hard as that is to believe).
Chapter 1: Queen Zaphod.
Arthur and Ford examined the ant trails in bewildered silence. Normally ants were creatures of the planet Earth. Since the Earth no longer existed, one would be right to assume that ants would no longer exist as well. However, for some bizarre reason, that was not true. Just recently, Arthur, Ford, Zaphod and Trillian had noticed that the Star ship Heart Of Gold had been suffering an ant infestation.
The four had been positively alarmed by the sudden appearance of the millions of ants. Particularly Zaphod. The two-headed ex-President of the Galaxy had become annoyingly superstitious about the whole thing.
"I'm telling you, Arthur," Said Ford Prefect. "We should just get some pest control guy out and be done with it!"
"We can't, Zaphod would go crazy at us!" Protested Arthur.
"He is crazy, in case you haven't noticed. He says that the ants are threatening him or something. He says they spell stuff out in formations!" Ford said angrily.
Arthur thought for a moment. "Lets follow the trails and see where they go."
Arthur and Ford followed the creatures' trails for a bit, eventually meeting up with Trillian and Zaphod in a corridor.
"See? See? I told you!" Zaphod was saying while pointing at one of the many curving trails on the wall.
Trillian turned to the approaching Arthur and Ford. "Looks like Zaphod is right." She said. "Look at that."
She pointed to a space a few feet above Ford's head where the ants were gathered. Arthur and Ford stared for a moment.
"I see it." Ford said quietly.
"I don't." Said Arthur, somewhat angrily.
"Just there, below the light." Trillian directed.
All of a sudden, Arthur saw it.
The ants had formed a long and curly trail. Looking at it from the correct angle, it spelt out a message.
It said: Greetings, inhabitants of this craft. We are a race of highly intelligent beings called Antian Nellex Telebutons, or as you may know us, ants. We come in temporary peace. If you help us to get what we want and do not resist, we may give you a few minutes warning before we kill you with bombs. If you do resist and refuse to co-operate we will kill you immediately. Have a nice day.
"That's a lot of big words for a bunch of ants." Said Ford.
The others agreed.
"So, what do we do? Should we take it seriously? I mean, they're a bunch of little black things that crawl around and get in your clothes and bite you in nasty places." Arthur said.
"Personal experience?"
Arthur nodded.
"They have bombs," Zaphod pointed out.
"So?"
"They'll kill us!" Zaphod exclaimed.
"They're ants, Zaphod." Trillian said gently.
"With bombs…"
"Fine, why don't we see what they want, first?" Trillian looked at Arthur.
"All right, then," He said uneasily. "Ford, you do it!"
"What? Why me?"
"Why not you? They're only ants."
"With bombs." Zaphod interjected.
"If they're only ants, why don't you do it?"
"Ants with bombs." Zaphod muttered.
"Can you just be quiet, please?" Arthur snapped.
"I'll do it." Trillian stepped forwards. "Ants? What do you wish for us to do?"
The ants scrambled about on the wall until they were in a new formation.
It said: We speak only to the two-headed one.
Zaphod blinked. "Me? OK, then. Ants, can I ask you something?"
The ants made a new message.
It said: Ask away.
"How much wood can a wood chopper chop if a wood chopper would chop wood?"
The ants formed a giant question mark.
"Zaphod!" Trillian exclaimed.
"All right, all right. So, what do you cats, no, ants, want out of us?"
The ants made yet another formation.
It said: Universal domination. You shall do our dirty work.
"Well, that just about sums it all up, doesn't it?" Ford said brightly.
After many lengthy conversation and quite a few days locked in alone with the ants, Zaphod emerged onto the bridge of the Heart Of Gold quite happily.
"The ants have made me their queen!" He said.
Trillian, Ford and Arthur all had a disturbing thought: Zaphod wearing a tiara on each head.
"Wouldn't you have to be female to be queen?" Ford asked.
"They made an exception." Zaphod said simply.
"So, you would be a queen, then?"
"No, I am the queen of the ants." Zaphod put emphasis on the word 'queen'.
Arthur simply laughed. Why not? "All right, then, Queen Zaphod. What do the ants want?"
"Like they said, Monkeyman. Universal domination. We just have to fly around and break stuff for them." Zaphod explained.
"And you're all right with that?"
"It's all hoopy to me."
"So," Ford sighed. "What now?"
"The ants are taking us to their home planet."
"Which is where?"
"The ants are sorting that out."
There was an uncomfortable silence for the rest of the journey.
Author's Note: So, how was it? I think there was WAY too much talking. There's a little more action in the next chapter though. Please read and review.