Clique Swap

by psychotol

This Fly On The Wall documentary explores what happens if the members of one clique swap places with members of another clique. In this case, Sandi Griffin's Fashion Club with Darth Krayt's One Sith.

Constraints: Within the Daria Series and some point in the Star Wars Legacy era.

Synopsis: Following the recent contact with an alien empire, a new TV series starts by swapping Sandi's Fashion Club with Darth Krayt's One Sith for a week.

Clique Swap

Content: Some violence, drugs, sexually suggestive scenes.

l- fuck, I can't be arsed.

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Scene: Sandi's room, the Fashion Club are running one of their normal meetings.

Voiceover: "The Fashion Club."

Voiceover: "These kids are the cutting edge of fashion and aim to ensure that everyone else in their school is too."

Scene: Sandi's room, Sandi is alone sat on the side of her bed next to her book bag.

Sandi: "The work we do is vital for the pride of everyone at Lawndale High and in the Lawndale area, everyone should look attractive and beautiful, but in some cases are unaware that their appearance is unpleasant. In other cases they seem to do it deliberately. We should be legally empowered to issue fines or sentence people to rehabilitation, but so far no level of government has considered the need to do something about the problem, in fact I often get the impression they don't even consider a problem exists in the first place."

Scene: Quinn's room, Quinn sat cross-legged on her bed in front of her laptop computer.

Quinn: "I am a relative newcomer to the Fashion Club, but when I was introduced to it, I realised what my previous school, Highland High was missing. Now, because as a nation we value freedom of expression, we can't have any legal powers to compel people to dress better, but what we can do is lead by example. We dress well, we advise anyone willing to listen on how to dress well, and those who resist, we can only hope they eventually realise they are only hurting themselves and seek our help."

Scene Stacy's room: Stacy [insert activity here]

Stacy: [insert dialogue here].

Scene Tiffany's Room. Tiffany sat in front of her mirror adjusting her makeup.

Tiffany: "Howwwwww dooooooo Iiiiiii loooooook nowwwwwwwww?"

Cameraman: "Fit."

Scene: Throne Room, Sith Temple, Corouscant, Darth Krayt sits on his throne, Darth Talon, Darth Maladi and Darth Nihl are kneeling at attention, facing forward, their light sabres on the ground in front of them.

Darth Krayt: "The Sith Order exists to bring order to the universe. Prior to Darth Sidious, the Galaxy was predominantly ruled by the Galactic Republic, a highly disordered rabble, and this chaos was exacerbated by the Jedi Order. Eventually Darth Sidious dealt with the Jedi and the galaxy saw about twenty years of order, but mistakes were made and the Jedi re-emerged, so we're back to chaos again. It can't last though, we will ultimately prevail, and the Galaxy will have order and be at peace."

Scene: Sith Dojo, Darth Nihl and Darth Talon are sparring with practice sabres.

Darth Nihl Loses this round

Talon steps back.

Darth Nihl: gets up. "Best of 38641"

Darth Talon: Nods and engages again.

Scene: Same, only they're stood still, practice sabres resting tip on floor like a walking stick.

Darth Talon: "We are Darth Krayt's hands, our primary responsibilities are his personal security and to destroy or capture any targets identified to us."

Darth Nihl: "Without fail."

Darth Talon: Looks at Darth Nihl, "I remind you that when Darth Krayt ordered Cade Skywalker's death, you failed."

Darth Nihl: "So did you."

Darth Talon: "I know."

Darth Nihl: "So what's your point?"

Darth Talon: "That your assertion that we obey without fail is incorrect."

Darth Nihl: "Yeah but ... ... Okay, never mind, where was I?"

Darth Talon: "You were incorrectly asserting we never fail." Said Darth Talon.

Darth Nihl: "Before that."

Darth Talon: "Standing nodding trying to think of something you can add to the interview."

Darth Nihl: Made an abortive gesture, but then just placed his spare hand back with the other on the practice sabre.

Cameraman: "Darth Talon, you have these two appendages hanging off the back of your head, and yet you are still able to fight better than your colleague here."

Darth Talon: Nods "My Lekku, and they don't just hang there," spreads them to demonstrate they are rigged with muscles, "I use them to enhance my movements."

Cameraman: "Okay."

Scene: Darth Maladi's laboratory Darth Maladi sat on a lab stool, both hands on a data pad stood on her lap.

Darth Maladi: "I head up the Sith intelligence operations and also research and develop any biomedical issues. I don't know if I can add any more without potentially compromising current and future operations."

Scene: Quinn's Room Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany are sat on the floor in a circle.

Camera man: "what are your feelings regarding the swap?"

Quinn: "Excited. I mean, we're going into space, and what's more amazing is this statistic I read on the Galactic Empire, a lot of the core worlds are populated by Humans."

Stacy: "You know, when the Chiss first encountered Earth, they thought we were a long forgotten colony, only none of the credible historians know of any indicators that we did originate from space."

Tiffany: "It'sssssssss freeeeeeeeeeeeakyyyyyyyyyyy."

Quinn: "Yeah. It's also interesting that we will be getting into high level positions, but this gives us a key opportunity to spread fashion and beauty throughout the galaxy."

Tiffany: Yeahhhhhhhhhhh."

Scene: Darth Maladi's room, full of edged weapons and various artefacts, Maladi's luggage is packed, consisting of two suitcases and a shoulder slung attaché case.

Darth Maladi: "this fashion club ... ... it is fascinating, on the face of it it's a redundant concept as people generally want to look good anyway and styles change over time, I hope there's more to it than that. Even if the Fashion Club itself is as empty as it sounds, Earth is a curiosity, it's split into nation states, those nation states often end up in conflict with one another, and nuclear weapons are considered special weapons, although to be fair, your lack of ability to treat radioactive contamination effectively combined with the fact your weapons generate such a broad mix of unstable isotopes, I mean, it's quite fascinating." She produces a US Driving License with her name and photograph on it, "Had to take a course to learn to operate your vehicles though, bit of a step down from repulsor tech, managed to get a handle of your manual transmission land vehicles. Bit of an annoyance, your gasoline powered vehicles only use 25% of the fuel energy, your diesel vehicles use 80% of the fuel energy but has a narrower power band, and on top of that both are on chemical energy, it's mental." She then puts it back in her pocket and pulls out a stack of $100 notes "I wonder how long this will last?"

Scene: Darth Talon's quarters. Darth Talon is stood next to a suitcase. Talon is almost statue like in movement.

Camera Man: "So, what did you pack?"

Darth Talon: "Leather bikinis, spare boots, spare lightsabres."

Scene: Darth Nihl's quarters, Darth Nihl is still packing.

Nihl: "well, ... Earth ... ... " struggles to think of anything to say, ultimately settles with "better not be boring."

Scene: Lawndale Airport, Stacy, Quinn and Tiffany are stood next to their suitcases, each holds a Legal sized folder, their parents vehicles wait nearby, each fashion clubber's mother stood next to their respective vehicle.

Voiceover: The day for the swap has arrived. Any minute now the spacecraft carrying the Sith will arrive.

Quinn: "How many credits did we get?"

Stacy: "500"

Tiffany: "800"

Quinn: "I got 1000"

Stacy: "They're like $3 each."

Quinn: "I put the case forth that without knowing what we'll encounter, I should have a bit more to be sure I can get out of trouble."

Stacy: "Good thinking Quinn."

The Sith spacecraft approaches.

Quinn: Looks up "Oop, here we go." Makes a face "Bit ugly isn't it?"

Stacy: "They are aliens Quinn."

Quinn: "Yeah, but that don't mean they have to ming. Stacy, Tiffany, we have a lot of work cut out for us."

The Sith Spaceship lands vertically on the parking spot. The ramp lowers and the three Sith lords emerge, each carrying a data pad and their luggage.

Darth Maladi and Quinn look each other up and down.

Quinn: "Hmm. I think there is a way to make your style work." Looks at Darth Nihl saying "Your style would probably need to change a bit more." Looks at Darth Talon. "Yooooooouuuuuuuu ... ... " sucks a breath through her teeth and says "how long before we absolutely have to take off?"

Darth Talon: Shrugs her lekku.

Voiceover: "The flight is delayed by fifteen minutes as Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany critique the Sith Lords outfits."

Scene: off from the cars, Darth Talon, Darth Nihl and Darth Maladi stand around the camera as the ship lifts off behind them.

Darth Maladi: "Well, I suppose it's not that surprising our dress sense is, well, alien, to them." Chuckles. "She prescribed us some outfits to get us started," holds up her folder with handwritten notes on the back headed with each of their names "so I suppose our first stop will be the Mall Of The Millenium."

The three Darths walk to the cars.

Scene: Darths mess on the Sith spacecraft, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany sat around the table reading the data pads.

Voiceover: Half an hour into the flight and the Fashion Club members have convened to discuss their roles.

Stacy: "Well, I no longer have to hide my Tai Chi enthusiasm, I'm looking forward to being one of Krayt's hands."

Quinn: "That's good, but I'm not even good at computer game violence, I think I'll have to be Maladi's stand in. Ughhh, says I have to interrogate prisoners, show no mercy, use any means. I mean, will I be required to mutilate people?" rests her head on her hand, going slightly ashen.

Tiffany: "I'lllllllll doooooooo iiiiiiiiiit."

Quinn and Stacy look at Tiffany.

Tiffany: evil grin "Thisssssss'lllllll beeeeee funnnnnnnn."

Quinn don't look much more at ease at this point, but she shrugs saying "Security," pointing at Stacy, "science, spy master," pointing at herself, and then points at Tiffany saying "prisoner abuse."

Stacy: "Think that's it then. ... Lunch?"

Quinn: "There's a thought. We didn't pack anything did we? I hope the food the aliens have isn't too fattening."

Stacy: reads her data pad and says "there's a selection set up for us in the fridge to introduce us to the foods of Corouscant, see what we like."

They stand up and look through the fridge.

Quinn: "Blue milk?"

Stacy: "Nerf steaks?"

Tiffany: "Ryyyyyyyyycriiiiiiit sssstewwwwwwww?"

They look at each other.

Scene: Darth's mess, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany are sat at the table with empty food containers, looking somewhat uncomfortable as they write notes on their data pads using their fingers as styluses.

Quinn: "ohhh-kayyy, going on taste, seeing as there's no way to determine which of these fine culinary delights is at war with my stomach or what foods are at war with each other ... I like Karkan Ribene, found the smoked Salar fillets a bit bland, tendril nuts were nice."

Stacy: "Anything nerf seemed pretty nice, probably a safe bet."

Scene: Mall Of The Millenium, Junior 5, Darth Maladi, Darth Talon and Darth Nihl are looking through the clothing racks.

Scene: The changing rooms.

Darth Maladi walks through and enters one of the booths.

Darth Talon: emerges from another dressed in blue jeans, a white jumper, white heeled boots, her lekku have Hello Kitty leg warmers on. She smiles and slinks about. "This is not bad."

Scene: Outside the store, Darth Maladi, Darth Talon, Darth Nihl are crowded around the camera, Darth Maladi is in a flowing blue gown, blue elbow length gloves, her hair has a green scrunchie on it. Darth Nihl is in purple jeans, a yellow teeshirt and a brown leather bomber jacket.

Two boys walk past behind them looking at the camera.

Darth Maladi: "So, here we are, dressed as earth humans dress."

Two boys: reappear, grinning.

Darth Maladi: "I was worried the outfits would be really outlandish or something,"

Two boys: start play fighting, sort of two stooges ish.

Darht Maladi: "but, worked out nice, I like it." Looks back at Darth Nihl.

Two boys: switch to looking distracted.

Darth Maladi: Looks at the two boys, their movements from arsing about to acting like not arsing about being a dramatic change in her peripheral vision. She looks at the cameraman pointing her thumb at them.

Two boys: One fakes kissing at Darth Maladi, the other fakes fucking at her.

Darht Nihl and Darth Talon: look at them.

Two Boys: act like they aren't arsing about again.

Cameraman: "Ummmm."

Darth Nihl and Darth Talon: return their attention to the camera again.

Two Boys: One moves his hands up and down, middle fingers up, the other has one hand on his forehead signing "Loser" and the other hand signing "Wanker."

Camera man: "they're ... idiots basically, just ignore them, they only have the power to embarrass themselves."

Darth Maladi, Darth Nihl and Darth Talon: fold their arms, maintaining their attention on the camera, side glancing at the two idiots in the back ground

Darth Talon and Darth Maladi: raise a hand and flex their fingers suddenly.

Two boys: wind back, face each other and head butt each other with a sound that in the context of heads colliding with hard surfaces and/or other heads, is somewhat sickening from it's intensity.

Darth Maladi and Darth Talon: relax and smirk

Darth Maladi: "I think we can ignore them now."

Darth Talon: Nods.

Scene: Sith temple on Corouscant. Darth Krayt's walking around.

Darth Krayt: "Yeah, the Fashion Club members are on their way in, with a bit of luck I'll have three of earth's finest warriors to fill in for my hands and my intelligence head." He then looks over to the entrance and looks aghast and says "Aww, Sidious on a bicycle." He then smiles.

The Sith warrior that had escorted them into the throne room bows at Darth Krayt saying "Lord Krayt, I present to you, Quinn Morgendorffer, Stacy Rowe and Tiffany Blum Deckler." As he points them out.

Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany: Strike a pose. "Hiiiiiiiii."

Darth Krayt: "Hi." Nods to them, looks to the Sith warrior saying "Thank you," then to the camera "Well, they're what I got. ... "

Scene: Throne room, Darth Krayt, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany are stood in a circle, talking over their data pads.

Quinn: "Of us three, I seem to better understand science, the three of us have experience keeping track of gossip, so any of us should make a good spymaster, Tiffany wants to handle interrogations, a little too wants to, and Stacy has a blue belt in Tai Chi, so of us three, she's probably best suited to be one of your hands."

Darth Krayt: "Okay, and what is Tai Chi and what does a blue belt mean?"

Stacy: "It's the second Kyu or 'Towards Heaven' grade, not sure what the entomology behind the words is, but basically it takes 300 hours of training to get there."

Darth Krayt: "I see. ... Are you force active?"

Stacy: "I don't know what that means."

Darth Krayt: moves his hand and gives Stacy a telekinetic shove backwards.

Stacy: stumbles back. "What was that?"

Darth Krayt: sighs and says "Join Quinn and Tiffany, I can't use you for anything involving violence." Walks to his throne saying "You know where Darth Maladi's laboratory is?"

Quinn: looks at her data pad, bringing up a map saying "Yes. Anything else before we go there?"

Darth Krayt: "No, carry on."

Quinn: Salutes saying "Yes sir." And leads Stacy and Tiffany off.

Darth Krayt: slouches in his throne saying "Sidious wept."

Scene: Temple Hallways, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany are walking, Stacy is working on her data pad.

Quinn: "Well, this force thing is news to me, I mean, force active? What force? Gravity, electromagnetism, nuclear weak or nuclear strong?"

Stacy: "according ot this, the force he refers to is some kind of all pervasive energy field that allows force active individuals to effect telekinesis, to psionically alter people's perceptions of reality, and a certain amount of precognition."

Quinn: Drops back next to Stacy and reads the data pad "Oh. Well, I don't think any of us are capable of that."

Tiffany: "Heyyyyyyyyy, we'rrrrrrrre innnnnn charrrrrrge offffff aaaaaa Sciiiiiennnnnce laaaaab, riiiiiiiight?"

Quinn: "Right?"

Tiffany: "Whyyyyyyyyy donnnnnnn't weeeeee maaaaaake aaaaaa potiiiiiiion thaaaaaaat maaaaaaakesssss ussssss forrrrrrce aaaactiiiiiive?"

Quinn: Thinks about it, smiling. "Good idea."

Stacy: uneasy about this "Really?"

Quinn: "We have a laboratory, the entire knowledge of the Sith at our fingertips, I mean, how hard can it be?"

Scene: Morgendorffer house, front garden.

Helen and Darth Maladi: Arrive in Helen's car. They then disembark, gathering Darth Maladi's luggage between them.

Voiceover: "Darth Maladi arrives at her home for the next week."

Helen and Darth Maladi enter the house to see Daria and Jane sat on the sofa watching TV.

Daria and Jane: Look at Helen and Darth Maladi.

Helen: "Daria, this is Darth Maladi, she will be staying here for the next week, Darth Maladi, this is Daria and her friend Jane."

Daria: "Hi."

Jane "Yo." Turns to Daria "this ... "

Daria: "some kind of television show, Cliqueswap,"

Jane: "Oh, right, didn't realise the show had the reach for aliens."

Daria: Looks to Darth Maladi saying "Anyway, welcome to Earth."

Darth Maladi: "Thank you."

Helen: "I'll show you to your room now."

Darth Maladi: "Thank you."

Scene: Quinn's Room, Darth Maladi sat on Quinn's bed.

Darth Maladi: "So, this is Quinn's room. ... ... It's pink. ... ... Verrrrry pink." She gets up and looks around "I mean, look at all this, it's like some Twi'lek Princess's room."

Cameraman: "does Darth Talon's room look like this then?"

Darth Maladi: "No. I mean, Darth Talon's not a princess, she's an assassin and bodyguard."

Scene: Stacy's room, Darth Nihl is unpacking, moving Stacy's clothes over in the wardrobe.

Darth Nihl: "Good thing I packed plenty of clothes, I mean," pulls out one of Stacy's pairs of jeans and holds them to his legs "not likely to be able to fit into these." He puts them back "Having seen them, I can't imagine any of them being Darth Krayt's hands, and they didn't feel force active, and anyone able ot hide their force signature is pretty rare even among trained force actives, so in all probability, they're not force active." He then walks over to Stacy's bed "there is one thing of interest though," picks up a book from her bed "Tai Chi. Earth martial art, as a hand of Darth Krayt, I have an interest in martial arts, so I'll be reading this."

Scene: Tiffany's room, Darth Talon is stood in it looking around.

Darth Talon: "there's a lot of pictures of Tiffany here. It's like this room is a shrine to herself. ... ... ... That one aspect could make her a decent Sith Lord if she were to become force active."

Scene: Darth Maladi's laboratory, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany are looking around holding their data pads.

Quinn: "well, we're just getting our bearings here, Darth Maladi's combined roles of interrogator and scientist mean we got test tubes amongst bondage gear, so," holds up her Ipod, "be using this whenever Tiffany's working," puts it away.

Stacy: "Okay, the force is augmented by things called midichlorians, apparently they're symbiotic microorganisms, not to be confused with mitochondria."

Quinn: "Does that mean they breed with the cells of the individual?"

Stacy: "Yes, but that's going to be hit and miss, I don't see how we'd be able to put them in ourselves."

Quinn: "Some kind of virus perhaps?"

Stacy: "You're talking about one that would make a midichlorian or one that would transform a mitochondria into a midichlorian?"

Quinn: "Not sure yet. I mean, we need mitochondria to live don't we?"

Stacy: "I don't know, I'd have to look that up."

Tiffany: walks up to Quinn carrying a 2L jar asking "Cooooooould thissssssss hellllllllp?"

Quinn: "Lead Azide, no, I don't see a use for that right now, you should put that back."

Tiffany: "Righhhhhhhhhhht" puts it back.

Quinn: "You know, it just occurred to me, we have spies to control," looks at her data pad, "right let's see."

Scene: Morgendorffer house, Jake, Helen, Daria and Darth Maladi are sat around the table near the kitchen around a family sized lasagne, sharing it out amongst themselves.

Jake: "I would have done us something special, but someone," looks at Helen, "Misplaced my cook book."

Helen: "You only pretend to read that anyway."

Jake: "I Do not pretend to read it, I may vary here and there, but not that far."

Helen: "Jake, this isn't the time," looks to Darth Maladi "Sorry, as you can see we don't often have guests over."

Darth Maladi: "It's quite alright, I have so far found earth food reasonably delicious." Takes a bite out of her Lasagne portion "The meat tastes similar to Nerf, what animal would this be from?"

Jake: "That's beef from a cow."

Darth Maladi: "I'll have to talk to our diplomats about setting up a trade mission."

Helen: "Daria, do you have any questions for Darth Maladi? After all, it's not often you share a meal with an alien."

Daria: "I was waiting to see if I could come up with something more profound, but all I have at the moment is what do you do where you come from?"

Darth Maladi: Nods saying "I am the head of science and intelligence for the Sith empire, so I can not get too specific without possibly revealing classified material. I can tell you about the Sith empire though."

Daria: "I do feel the need to ask if Quinn is likely to be in danger filling in for you, or if you're likely to attract trouble our way, as a spymaster, there's going to be a lot of people lining up around this arm of the galaxy to kill is there not?"

Helen: "Daria, that's rude," scolded Helen.

Darth Maladi: "That is a perfectly valid question. Your sister is in no danger, I have arranged for my staff to assist her in her duties, and as for my enemies showing up? Well, ... I have my ways, and I can assure you that you are in no danger."

Daria: "Classified ways I imagine."

Darth Maladi: Nods.

Scene: Quinn's room, Darth Maladi sat on Quinn's bed, working on Quinn's laptop.

Darth Maladi: "Well, Daria, didn't have a problem with me being an alien, she did have a problem with me being a spymaster, not for possibly spying on her world but for potentially attracting my enemies to it. Daria's mother seemed highly strung about offending me, but not for her life, more because this show is going out on at least your worlds televisual media, she finds Daria embarrassing. This could be a glimpse into family dynamics on this world, the chances of encountering a family that is vastly abnormal in some way is ... ... Well, come to think of it, there are too many dimensions along which a family or an individual even can vary to even begin to define normal, you have to go dimension by dimension. Going on Helen's mood, I do think Daria is considered unusual here."

Scene: The meal table again, just as we left off.

Darth Maladi: "So Helen, what do you do for a living?"

Helen: "Corporate lawyer, I mainly deal with personal injury claims, property damage claims, intellectual property rights, generally anything commercial or industrial. My law firm has a range of specialists covering as many specialisms as we think we may see demand for."

Darth Maladi: "What about theft, murder-"

Helen: "That's criminal law, a different specialism, anyone prosecuting such cases tend to be employed by the state, we have 7 lawyers that specialise in defending people against criminal prosecution."

Darth Maladi: "Even if the accused is probably guilty?"

Helen: "We won't know that if the evidence the prosecution brings isn't thoroughly tested, even if the client of a defence attorney is guilty, even if the defence attorney knows their client is guilty, the defence attorney is duty bound to represent their client to the best of their ability."

Daria: "The ones that defend against rape accusations never wear short sleeves."

Helen: "DARIA!"

Darth Maladi: "Not sure I understand the reference-" started Darth Maladi.

Helen: "She's making a joke about people cutting themselves because they feel guilty," Helen looks at Daria, Daria is in no way moved by Helen's disapproval, "just for one evening, ... ... " looks back at Darth Maladi saying "there are few circumstances under which a defence lawyer may act against their clients interests, the only overriding factor is if the client has revealed an intention to commit a future crime, that goes for any confidence held."

Daria: "Except priesthood."

Helen: "DARIA!"

Darth Maladi: "Errrr ... what?"

Helen: "Now she's making a joke about paedophile priests in the Catholic Church, which runs school and orphanages as part of it's charitable mission."

Darth Maladi: "I see." Addresses Daria "Why is it funny that religious figures are sexually assaulting children whose custody has been awarded to them?"

Daria: "In and of itself it isn't funny, however the response of the authorities and the public tolerance of obvious corruption is absurd, and therein lies the scope for humour."

Helen: "Yes, but constant negativity can have this drip drip drip effect that can build anger until a with hunt ensues."

Daria: "Please. If I wanted to do witch hunts I'd have moved back to Texas and become a Pentecostal minister."

Helen: stalls as she tried to come up with some way to tell Daria to stop that might actually work.

Darth Maladi: finishes chewing the bite of lasagne she had eaten, swallows, "And that reference?"

Helen: "Pentecostals have been implicated around the world and even here in the United States in creating a fear of witchcraft to drum up a demand for exorcisms, it's a type of fraud that ... ... really shouldn't work."

Darth Maladi: Nods "Well, your world has an interesting mix of cultures, that's for sure. For the most part, your level of technology should have been the result of discoveries that thoroughly disprove the religious mythologies that tend to arise prior to them and therefore make everyone in that culture highly sceptical of religious mythologies, I mean, what's going on here?"

Daria: "a cluster-" Daria's mouth is blurred and a clanging noise is played over "- of political ideologies, religious parent groups lobbying providers of education, and a fevered obsession with how normal people are. Most people in Africa own a mobile phone, a sizeable chunk of that hold the same superstitions that existed when leading scientists thought the Earth was flat."

Scene: Quinn's room again, same as before.

Darth Maladi: smiling "I think Daria could make a good intelligence analyst if she chooses that path. I don't think I could get her to spy on earth for me though, she has a strong adherence to her values."

Scene: School forecourt. Sandi Griffin waits near the kerb. Other students walk past behind her making obscene gestures and gang signs at the camera.

Voiceover: "Next morning, Sandi Griffin awaits the arrival of her replacement fashion club members."

Sandi: "Well, today I get my first glimpse of my temporary Fashion Club members."

Cameraman: "Any concerns?"

Sandi: "well, their aliens, so it's possible their dress sense is different."

Cameraman: "What if you consider their dress sense to be inadequate?"

Sandi: "Well, I'll just have to help them change. There is a wider galaxy we have only just become aware of, and we need to find out how they dress and find out where they need help and guidance." Looks off to the side.

Camera: Pans across to see the three cars that had been at the airport to pick up Darth Talon, Darth Nihl and Darth Maladi.

Darth Maladi, Daria, Darth Talon and Darth Nihl alight their vehicles.

Daria: "That's your president," pointing at Sandi, "good luck." Walks towards the school.

Darth Maladi, Darth Nihl and Darth Talon: walk up to Sandi.

Sandi: looks them over. "Well, your outfits are acceptable. Do you understand your purpose?"

Darth Maladi: "improve the dress sense of the community."

Sandi: "Very well, let us proceed." Leads off to the school entrance.

Sandi, Darth Maladi, Darth Nihl and Darth Talon: Join the queue to pass the security checkpoints.

Scene: inside the school. Sandi and Darth Maladi pass through the metal detector picking up their bags that emerge from the X-Ray scanner.

Darth Nihl: passes through the metal detector without incident.

Darth Talon: enters the metal detector, causing an alarm to sound.

Security Goon 1: "Okay miss, we need to search you, if you could come with me please?" gestures to a door marked "Private."

Darth Talon: Nods and accompanies him.

Security goon 2: follows them both, leering at Darth Talon's back, his hands hovering near Darth Talon's lekku.

Darth Nihl: Picks up his bag and Darth Talon's bag.

Security goon 3: stands up from his station watching bags go through the X-Ray scanner "Excuse me," getting Darth Maladi and Darth Nihl's attention, "I need you to open your bags please."

Darth Maladi: Opens hers.

Security goon 3: Removes Darth Maladi's lightsabre. "I need to know what this is."

Darth Maladi: "It's my lightsabre."

Security goon 3: "What does a lightsabre do?"

Darth Maladi: "It is a weapon that uses a crystal medium to generate a stack of coherent electrons 1.5 metres long, it is capable of cutting most materials known to the galactic empire."

Security goons 1 & 2: leave the room marked private kissing, hugging and grinding against one another.

Security Goon 3: "Well, we can't allow you to carry them into a public school."

Darth Maladi: holds up a hand, looking him in his eyes "You can trust me and my fellow Sith, we are full grown adults and entrusted with the security of the galactic empire."

Security goons 1 & 2: start stripping off, drawing comments and questions from the students yet to pass through the checkpoint.

Security goon 3: "I can trust you and your fellow Sith, you are full grown adults and entrusted with the security of the galactic empire." Hands the lightsabre back.

Darth Maladi: "Thank you," puts the lightsabre back in her bag and rejoins Sandi.

Darth Talon: emerges from the room marked private, mouthing something in an alien language before a random noise accompanying her mouth and lekku getting blurred for that instant, she passes behind Goon 3 and retrieving her bag off of Darth Nihl.

Darth Talon and Darth Nihl: rejoin Sandi.

Security Goon 2: kneels down, pulling down security goon 1s trousers and pants, a blurred patch envelopes security goon 2s crotch as security Goon 1's mouth starts sucking Security Goon 2's dick to the excited comments and cheers and disgusted noises and laughter of the crowd of students.

Angela Li: Offscreen: "WHAT THE-" random noise "-ARE YOU DOING?"

Scene: English Class, the fashion club sat at the back of the class as Timothy O'Neill talks.

Timothy O'Neill: "Now, in honour of our guests, we will be starting a new reading assignment, the author, Herbert George Wells, the story, War Of The Worlds."

Scene: Hallways, Darth Maladi, Darth Nihl and Darth Talon stood around the camera, students milling around the hallway as it's a break between lessons.

Darth Maladi: "You know, Timothy O'Neill's ... ... Nice I suppose, or tries to be."

Darth Talon: "His voice makes my lekku itch."

Darth Nihl: "What's next?"

Darth Maladi: looks at their timetable, "Science. Be interesting to see where this place is at."

Scene: Science class, Barch is on the theory of relativity.

Barch: And just like any other MAN, Einstein had made this rule and made out it was unbreakable just because it was HIS opinion."

Darth Maladi: raises her hand saying "Excuse me, Mrs Barch, I have reviewed the work of your Albert Einstein, now, two points I should make at this point is that people like him working on the question of the relationship between space and time were few on the ground and highly disparate, so that he worked it out at all was a miracle and the technology that allows us to construct hyperdrive propulsion systems is several hundred steps beyond general relativity, I therefore have to ask, what's with all the ranting?"

Barch: "What's with the ranting?" looks to Darth Nihl "Did you put her up to this?"

Darth Nihl: looks confused asking "put her up to what?"

Barch: "Don;t act all innocent you MAN, you know what you did!"

Darth Nihl: "Yeah, don't mean I know what you think I did though."

Barch: "Don't get smart with me."

Darth Nihl: Looks to Maladi asking "You didn't give her any death sticks did you?"

Darth Maladi: "No. I think this is her natural state. It's fascinating."

Barch: "RIGHT, PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE THE PAIR OF YOU!"

Scene: Angela Li's office. Darth Maladi and Darth Nihl sat across the desk from Angela Li.

Li: "So, you disrupted Barches class did you?"

Darth Maladi: "Apparently. She then made out Darth Nihl was the reason I did it."

Li: looks to Darth Nihl "Did you?"

Darth Nihl: "No, wouldn't have been able to, I mean I fly spacecraft with hyperdrive propulsion, don't mean I necessarily know how it works."

Darth Maladi: "Your science teacher has issues."

Li: "I know. Well, I suppose you should go to the library or something until the next lesson."

Darth Maladi and Darth Nihl: Stand up and leave.

Scene: The library: Darth Maladi and Darth Nihl are sat at a table, Darth Maladi is reading The War On Drugs: A Chronology and Darth Nihl is reading A Complete Analysis Of Sambo.

Darth Maladi: "Tell you what, if she could tone down her crazy a little, that Janet Barch could make a decent Sith lord, I mean, the hate emanating out of her ... ... wow."

Cameraman: "What's a death stick?"

Darth Maladi: "It's a mood enhancer. Some people react funny to it."

Cameraman: "Right, what you got next?"

Darth Nihl: holds up his timetable and says "PE."

Darth Maladi: "Heard of something called Kendo, I wonder if they do that here?"

Scene: Gymnasium: Football players occupy the centre and practice football drills, Darth Nihl is one of them. Off to the side, cheerleaders work to train Darth Maladi and Darth Talon (dressed as cheerleaders). Darth Talon keeps looking longingly at the football drills.

Darth Maladi: Shadowing Brittany's moves, "yeah, this is a bit of a letdown, I was expecting martial arts of some form ... "

Darth Talon: stops part way through the routine to analyse the football drills.

Brittany: stops "Darth Talon, you're not paying attention."

Darth Talon: irately "This. Is " Mouth and lekku blurred, a random noise is pasted over.

Brittany: "What's ... ... What was that?"

Darth Talon: "Has this stone age rock not moved beyond gender bias yet? Why am I automatically a cheerleader?"

Morris: stalks up to Darth Talon: "What's going on here? You think you're too good to do the exercises?"

Darth Talon: "I want to participate in an actual sport. This is not a sport, this is fluffy-" random noise, mouth and lekku blurred.

Morris: "What's-" random noise ,mouth blurred.

Darth Talon: "Give me something worthy of my talents."

Morris: "What am I a pimp?"

Darth Talon: dashes at Morris accelerating at a rate that don't make sense to anyone schooled in Newtonian physics, punches Morris in the abdomen.

Morris: sinks to the ground, going foetal, too out of breath to say anything.

Coach Gibson: walks over "What is going on here?"

Darth Talon: "Why am I to be a cheerleader instead of a football player?"

Coach Gibson: "Oh, you're one of those are you? Look, girlie, you are not physically equipped to be a football player."

Darth Maladi: looking down at Morris, then at Gibson, "I think your colleague would beg to differ once she regains control of her abdominal muscles."

Gibson: glares at Darth Maladi a second and then returns to Darth Talon "You would distract the rest of the team."

Darth Talon: "I would outperform both this team and any potential opposing team."

Gibson: "Yeah, sure."

Darth Talon: "Let us fight."

Gibson: "What?"

Darth Talon: "I knock you out, I join the football team."

Gibson: Laughs, "right, I suppose there's a martial art that resembles pole dancing."

Darth Talon: "I know your martial art:" pokes him in the abdomen with a two finger jab, "Sumo wrestling, where both participants are morbidly obese."

Gibson: slightly irate, "You really should stop before you get stomped worm head."

Darth Talon: overacting beyond obnoxiously "Oh no, worm head? Please, anything but racial slurs."

Gibson: "Please, show a little respect here. I know you're from another planet, but-"

Darth Talon: "Before you talk of respect, you should lead by example," pokes him in the abdomen again, "what kind of physical education teacher lets himself put on that much fat? I thought humans didn't hibernate in the winter, at least the ones I met don't," pinches some fat between her finger and thumb, "or maybe it wasn't deliberate after all, and you are just weak willed."

Footballers and cheerleaders: gather around, waiting for a fight to break out.

Gibson: "Don't make me hit you."

Darth Talon: "You mean don't make you try to hit me." Pokes the fat under his triceps "Earthlings call these 'bingo wings', correct?"

Gibson: Slaps Darth Talon across the face.

Darth Talon: uses the inertia to wind up and palm strike him across his jaw.

Everyone else not a teacher or a Sith or Michael Jordan Mckenzie: "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT," continuous repeat.

Gibson: staggers back, glaring, straining.

Darth Talon: winds up into a long stance, beckons him forth, "you do sumo, I will mix and match the forms I know."

Gibson: runs and tries to kick Darth Talon in the chest.

Darth Talon: Spins under his leg, bending his knee with a poke from the fingers on the arm she's using to engage her body to twisting his leg, causing him to apply his own muscle power into piledriving his head into the floor, adding a kick to his side for good measure, and breaks contact, pirouetting as only a twi'lek can to a position off to the side.

Gibson: struggles to his feet, "Okay, you jumped up whore, you asked for it, here it comes!" Charges at her.

Darth Talon: "that's just so weak," sets up to flip Gibson and then flips him over her, she then follows over him, tucking her knees to land both feet on his abdomen before flipping back.

Gibson: Vomits.

Darth Talon: "You are not capable of teaching physical education, neither is your colleague Morris." Turns to the students "I will teach you to win your games. I have been studying your football and I have consulted archive footage and the rules of the game. I can help you win every game for the next three years. Divide into six groups. Which of you is the Quarterback?"

Scene: Hallway, Gibson and Morris walking along.

Gibson: Now I'm not racist, but I thought all female worm heads were meant to be prostitutes and pole dancers, I mean, what's her deal?"

Cameraman: "Do you not think that calling her a 'worm head' to her face might have exacerbated the situation a little?"

Gibson: "Eh?"

Scene: Sith Temple Hallways, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany are walking along, looking tired as fuck.

Voiceover: "Meanwhile on Corouscant, Quinn Stacy and Tiffany have decided to call it a night."

Scene: Darth Maladi's room, Quinn sat on the bed in a Sith themed dressing gown.

Quinn: "Well, it was kind of weird when we requested a blood sample from some of the Sith warriors."

Scene: Darth Maladi's laboratory, Quinn is arranging the evacuated tubes and the double headed needle needed to draw blood on a tray, Stacy and Tiffany are stood back.

Random Sith: enters, picks up a 250mL beaker, positions it near the edge of the table, pulls a knife, slices across a blood vessel on his hand and starts filling the beaker from that. Looks over to Quinn, nods, friendly, "Allright?"

Quinn: awkward smile "Err, yeah, thank you for assisting."

Scene: Darth Maladi's room again.

Quinn: "The midichlorians are embedded inside the cells, so atmospheric and skin contamination really wasn't an issue, especially with the equipment available."

Scene: Darth Maladi's laboratory again, the three of them looking at a TV screen that seems entirely yellow, some numbers on top of black contrasting in the corners of the screen.

Quinn: "Wow."

Stacy: "Yeah, I thought the amount of midichlorians would be smaller, like a few dots here and there."

Quinn: Straightens up a bit looking at Stacy "Wait, you set that to look for Midichlorians or Mitochondria?"

Stacy: looks at the data pad, shudders "Oh, sorry." Does something. Screen is now mostly red with yellow specs on it. "There."

Quinn: looks at the screen again, "Let's zoom in on one of them."

Scene: Darth Maladi's room again.

Quinn: "and then we hit a wall. Then we had a prisoner to interrogate."

Scene: The laboratory again. A Mon Calamari is strapped into one of the standing bondage devices, Stacy is intubating the Mon Calamari.

Stacy: attaches a data pad under the Mon Calamari's hand saying "Here you go, now you can confess without bursting our eardrums." Returns to Quinn.

Tiffany: Walks into view with a 6mm woodwork chisel and a limp hammer, making the Mon Calamari struggle hard.

Quinn: "Not so confident now that we'll be done by the end of the week."

Stacy: Sighs and nods in agreement.

Scene: Darth Maladi's room again.

Quinn: "So, we're off for the night, blood's in liquid nitrogen, see if we get any big ideas tomorrow."

Scene: Lawndale High Gymnasium, Cheerleaders and Football Players are watching as Angela Li, the PE teachers, and four security goons talk with Darth Talon and Darth Maladi.

Voiceover: "Meanwhile, Talon's actions have not gone unnoticed by the schools Principal."

Li: "I appreciate you are from another planet and they may have different rules there, but I have a hard time believing assault is not outlawed, how do you justify your actions?"

Darth Talon: "Gibson initiated the contact."

Morris: "I didn't."

Li: Waits a few seconds. "Well?"

Darth Talon: "I requested exercises worthy of my talents, as Darth Krayt's hand, I have a keen interest in martial arts. Her response was 'What am I, your pimp?' That ... ... " slumps and eventually "Can not be justified. Too many people assume that because many twi'leks are sex workers, that that is all twi'leks are good for. The assertion just ... ... It stung."

Li: "Morris, do you wish to prosecute Darth Talon?"

Darth Maladi: "Before you answer that, you may wish to consider the effect a complaint from Darth Talon might have on your job security."

Morris: "How do you mean?"

Darth Maladi: "Do you contest that your statement means you consider Darth Talon is almost certainly a prostitute?"

Morris: "No."

Darth Maladi: "Why do you think that?"

Morris: "All twi'leks are prostitutes, sorry, where is this going?"

Darth Maladi: "Principal Li, what is school policy on racial harassment?"

Morris: visibly pales.

Li: "Any student doing it gets suspended or expelled, school employees doing it get fired."

Darth Maladi: turns to Morris "now, how would you like to proceed?"

Morris: shaking "We'll just forget this ever happened."

Darth Talon: "Acceptable."

Li: "Very well. Now resume training." Leaves.

Gibson: "Okay, break's over, you know what to do."

Mack: "Coach, Darth Talon has introduced a new tactic I think we should fully adopt."

Gibson: "Really?"

Mack: turns to the football team "Run it."

Football team: Divides into six groups, three pairs of groups run at each other, one group jumps up and tuck their knees in to accelerate their spin so that they roll down the backs of their opponents.

Gibson: watches. "wow. And the wormh- ... Darth Talon taught you this?"

Mack: "yes."

Gibson: "Okay." Turns to Darth Talon "How would you like to assist me in training the football team?"

Darth Talon: "I think you should be my assistant instead."

Gibson: Nods "Okay."

Darth Maladi: "do we have an archive of past football matches with any teams we may face again?"

Gibson: "What? Oh, yea, Morris, could you show Darth Maladi where we keep our video recordings?"

Morris: "Sure."

Scene: Cafeteria, Darth Maladi, Darth Nihl and Darth Talon follow Sandi in the lunch queue.

Voiceover: "Eventually it is time for lunch."

Darth Maladi: assesses the "food" on offer and eventually points out the cabbage, the mashed swede and carrot and the beef casserole.

Scene: a lunch table, Sandi, Darth Maladi, Darth Nihl and Darth Talon are sat around the table eating their selections.

Darth Maladi: "how many times has this beef been re-heated?"

Sandi: "God knows. Why did you select it?"

Darth Maladi: "Protein. At least I hope there's useable protein in there."

Sandi: "Well, that's school dinner for you, courtesy of the lowest bidder."

Darth Maladi: "Hmm, speaking of money, I noticed how expensive the latest styles are, where do you normally get the money? Where do Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany get the money?"

Sandi: "We get our parents to pay for it."

Darth Maladi: Nods. "None of you have a job?"

Sandi: "No way, I mean, what kind of jobs would we be qualified for?"

Darth Maladi: "If you were to work, you'd want it to take as little time out of your life as possible and be highly profitable, wouldn't you?"

Sandi: "Well ... I suppose. ... What are you getting at?"

Darth Maladi: "I have a proposal to make, but I think we should do it off camera. Might be a bit too ... ... blue sky for this show's audience?"

Sandi: reluctantly nods saying "Okay. One more thing. Quinn's ... Cousin."

Darth Maladi: looks questioningly "Cousin?"

Sandi: "Or Au Pair, or whatever Quinn calls her. She's actually Quinn's sister."

Darth Maladi: "Oh, Daria. I take it the reason Quinn says all that stuff is due to Daria's apparent lack of style?"

Sandi: "Yes. ... Any thoughts?"

Darth Maladi: "I could find out more about her, she seems easy to talk to or get talking, if she's deliberately resisting Fashion Club advice, I could find out why and formulate options for improving her demeanour."

Sandi: "Good."

Scene: Morgendorffer House Landing. Darth Maladi emerges from Quinn's room.

Voiceover: "It is evening, and Darth Maladi begins her assignment."

Darth Maladi: goes to Daria's room and knocks on the door.

Daria: "Hang on, what's my line? Oh yes, come in."

Darth Maladi: looks into the camera a second and then shrugs and opens the door. Camera follows her in showing Daria sat at her computer.

Daria: "Darth Maladi. Need something?"

Darth Maladi: "Well, I've seen what the Fashion Club does all day, what about you? What does the unfashionable club do all day?"

Daria: "The unfashionable club?"

Darth Maladi: "You and Jane. Tell me you don't just sit at home all evening, I mean, there's got to be something you and Jane do occasionally."

Daria: looks at her. Then picks up her phone and calls Jane. After hearing Jane say something, "The Sith want to know what we do in the evening." After hearing Jane say something else "Other than that. Things that involve going out." After hearing something even elser, "Okay, we'll meet you on the corner of 243 avenue and 0 road." Hangs up. Stands up. "Follow me."

Scene: Street corner of 243 Ave. And 0 Rd. Daria and Darth Maladi (in her original clothing) are stood.

Trent: Drives up in the Tank, stops next to them.

Jane: Opens the door "Daria, Darth."

Daria and Darth Maladi: Board the tank.

Jane: Closes the door.

Daria and Darth Maladi: Try to secure themselves within the van to some degree like the other members of Mystic Spiral around all their musical kit.

Darth Maladi: "Have the police ever pulled this van over?"

Trent: "Yes."

Darth Maladi: "How did you avoid citations for your passengers failing to wear seatbelts?"

Trent: "There's a law saying that?"

Darth Maladi: "Yes."

Trent: "Hmmmm."

Darth Maladi: looks to Daria.

Scene: The Zon, Mystic Spiral are moving their kit into the back of the Zon.

Darth Maladi is assisting.

Darth Maladi: Looks off to the side. The camera follows her gaze to a group of individuals, they appear to be lining up passing this one guy. It is hard to know what they're doing, they're deliberately keeping it out of view of the camera or any onlookers. Camera pans back to Darth Maladi who is now entering the back of the Zon.

Scene: Inside the Zon, Mystic Spiral is playing on stage, Daria and Jane are at the bar.

Darth Maladi: Emerges from the bog and joins them.

Daria: "So, what do you think so far?"

Darth Maladi: "I think Earth has remarkable similarities to Corouscant, although Corouscant has almost no oceans or green spaces visible from space. Having said that, you have described some parts that resemble Tatooine as an example."

Daria: "What's Tatooine?"

Darth Maladi: "Tatooine is a world in Hutt Space pretty much on the other side of the galaxy from here. The Hutt clan, well, probably be more accurate to say the Hutt Species, anyway, they are these large gastropods with two arms each, and as a society they set out to rule their territories for profit. Like many autocrats though, they let their egos run riot and that makes their territories ill suited to external investors, but simultaneously, they provide a sort of free zone for mercenaries and smugglers, so your basic back water empire."

Daria: Nods. "if Corouscant has no visible oceans or green spaces, where do you get all your oxygen from?"

Darth Maladi: "Vertical farms, that is buildings in which crops are farmed, there is also carbon recovery plants that scrub the air for carbon dioxide."

Daria: "What kind of government do you have anyway, is it a republic, empire, dictatorship?"

Darth Maladi: "it is an empire."

Daria: "Is the emperor actively governing or does the emperor delegate governance to a democratically elected government?"

Darth Maladi: "The emperor is actively involved. We have a council of moffs to handle everything else."

Daria: "Moffs?"

Darth Maladi: "Flag officers in the Imperial Navy, for some reason the navy is considered the best model for space operations."

Daria: "Right. Military dictatorship. There a separate civilian police force for day to day law enforcement or is that done by your military too?"

Darth Maladi: "A mixture of both, depending on the world. How about your country, I understand it is a democratic republic?"

Daria: "yes, the government has three houses, one has the senate, another has congress, and the last one has the president."

Stoner (Man in jeans, green tee shirt, goatee): Wanders around, looking like he's not quite with it.

Daria: "Now, the Senate has 100 seats, two per state, and congress has 435 seats, each congressman is allocated to an equal portion of the United States population, both houses can submit bills for consideration, but anything requiring direct allocation of money needs congressional approval because only congress can set taxation."

Stoner: looks at Darth Maladi, "Wow."

Daria: "each member of both these houses serves a six year term, but every two years, one third of seats goes up for election."

Stoner: wanders up to Darth Maladi, staring at her face.

Daria: "now-" notices the stoner, "Aww hell."

Darth Maladi: "what's going on here?"

Daria: "Hopefully not an intersteller incident," to the stoner, "What are you on?"

Stoner: "Death sticks, this –" blurred mouth, noise "- is gooooooood."

Daria: "You took an intoxicating substance out of something named a death stick. ... "

Stoner: "Who wants to live forever man?"

Daria: "Who wants to die before anything interesting happens?"

Stoner: "Well, how's anything interesting supposed to happen without the mood enhancers?" starts feeling Darth Maladi's face "You have the strangest head I've ever seen."

Daria: Gets up "Well, if you think that's interesting, you want to see this, come on," leads off to the toilets.

Stoner: follows Daria.

They enter the toilets.

About 10 seconds later Daria re-emerges and sits down next to Maladi again, placing the handle of one of the cubicle locks on the bar.

Scene: Darth Maladi's laboratory, Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany are stood near the computer.

Voiceover: "Meanwhile, on Corouscant, Stacy is not happy with yesterday's interrogation."

Stacy: "It just don't quite feel right, I mean, this is something I've been thinking about all night, I mean, is this even legal?"

Quinn: "Well, we're not in the United States, so we have that extraterritoriality thing the people at Guantanamo bay have, right?"

Stacy: "That doesn't sound like it's entirely above board."

Quinn: "Of course it's not above board, it's like, a grey area where no law applies, that's how we defeat terrorism. God Stacy, you're starting to sound like Daria."

Stacy: Cringes "Sorry."

Quinn: "Tell you what, for the rest of the week, we'll move the torture gear to Darth Nihl's room until we leave."

Tiffany: "Gooooooooood."

Quinn: slightly queasy at having someone as enthusiastic about torture as Tiffany is in their midst, "Yeah, err, Tiffany, can you round up some Sith assistants and handle that? Be sure to tell Moff Calixte."

Tiffany: "Okayyyyyyyyyy," walks off to find some Sith.

Quinn: "Okay, now, Midichlorians, we've got a genetic profile for them, and Darth Maladi's laboratory has a printing machine for micro-organisms that she uses for making Balo Mushroom spores, if we dedicate a tenth of it's capacity to producing midichlorians, that should give us what we need for experimentation."

Stacy: "Can we prevent cross contamination between the mushroom spores and the midichlorians?"

Quinn: "Don't see why not. How hard can that be?" Leads off towards the micro-organism printer.

Scene: Quinn's room. Daria and Darth Maladi are stood there.

Daria: "Okay, so ... ... ?"

Darth Maladi: "What do you feel when you see this room?"

Daria: "Err, revulsion?"

Darth Maladi: "Why revulsion?"

Daria: "Well, our year groups shared PE, so it's pretty much the same reason Darth Talon didn't take too well to being typecast as a whore, and this room says gold digger, like a whore, only smarter."

Darth Maladi: "It sounds to me like you have typecast your sister as a gold digger."

Daria: "I would hope she has wider ambitions than to simply marry into wealth, or being a high priced fashion model, both of those are unlikely even among the good looking. She does seem to have started taking her studies more seriously, but I do wonder if it's more about getting into a glamorous college than the carreer that college courses are intended to prepare a person to pursue."

Darth Maladi: "Good point. Problem is your reaction has taken you to another extreme, all skill except for salesmanship. Who's going to hire you?"

Daria: "I can dress up for interviews."

Darth Maladi: "But any other time you reject anything that reminds you of anything that makes you think of false affections, of using sexual attraction for financial advancement."

Daria: "Right."

Darth Maladi: "What if you get so unfamiliar with techniques for charming the person in front of you that you fail in interviews?"

Daria: "That ... ... ... All right, that's a good point, but there is no way I'm dressing up nice for school, it's chock full of-" blurred mouth and random noise "-wits that don't deserve that consideration."

Darth Maladi: "What if the interview panel recruiting for the job you want is chock full of similar-" blurred mouth and random noise "-wits?"

Daria: "What's your point?"

Darth Maladi: "Are you satisfied that you can turn it on when you need to however asinine the people you wish to win over?"

Daria: thinks, then says "Yes."

Darth Maladi: "yeah, like-" blurred mouth etc. "-, Daria, seriously, rest of the week at least, just try it."

Daria: "You do realise it'll seriously mess with the heads of everyone there, right?"

Darth Maladi: Grins, nodding.

Daria: "Wait, what's my point? All right, tomorrow I will dress to impress."

Darth Maladi: "Good."

Daria: "Even though I am aware that you have taken on the role of Fashion Club Vice President and are therefore biased toward their agenda."

Darth Maladi: "Yes, I imagine that taints it a little."

Daria: "Hmm ... Yeah."

Scene: Lawndale School Hallway, Darth Maladi and Daria (dressed in white bell trousers, black shirt with bell sleeves, white trim on the sleeves, pink fluffy tie,same BCGs, pink lipstick) approach the rest of the Fashion club.

Sandi: "Well, that was quick."

Darth Maladi: "Whether or not it takes will depend on her experience of it."

Daria: "her experience may be soured by people talking of her right in front of her."

Darth Maladi: "Of course, but then this is also a test of your ability to let assholism slide unchallenged, even seem amused by it."

Daria: Smirks a little "Some kind of fashion club hazing?"

Darth Maladi: "Unfamiliar with the term 'Hazing'"

Sandi: "A trial of endurance traditionally associated with initiation of people into college fraternities."

Darth Maladi: "I suppose I will have to look that up then."

Daria: Chuckles, cheerful "D'oh."

Scene: Lawndale High Hallway, close up on Jane.

Jane: "This has to be a mind control trick, I mean, you remember when one goon waved Darth Maladi through without confiscating any of their lightsabres, and those other two had sex in the middle of a crowded hallway? Those two guards love administering those cavity searches. I heard how they had led Darth Talon into the room, then burst out making out, I mean, what do you think?"

Cameraman: "What do you think will happen when Darth Maladi leaves?"

Jane: "Hopefully Daria will return to normal."

Cameraman: "Did you not try out for cheerleading a while back?"

Jane: reluctantly, clenched teeth "Yes."

Cameraman: "Was that the result of alien mind control?"

Jane: Suppresses a chuckle. Eventually "I was given a school assignment to fail at something. I picked being conventional. Unfortunately I succeeded at being conventional a little too well, so I failed the assignment, but then completing the assignment meant I failed the assignment, so even then I had succeeded the assignment."

Cameraman: "Ummmmm ... That sounds like a rather pointless assignment."

Jane: "Interview our English teacher. It's his speciality."

Scene: Darth Maladi's laboratory, Quinn and Stacy are stood over 10 100ml jars, 9 of them are filled with a black goo, one is filled with a white goo.

Quinn: addressing the camera "So, now we've got 9 jars of Bola Mushroom spores and one jar of midichlorians, and we spent the rest of the time designing experiments in which we can apply them to people."

Stacy: "Now, having small rodent become force active could become a bit of a problem, so we will have to go straight to people. This is high risk, but after discussion with Moff Rus, we were able to recruit volunteers, our own funds would have been inadequate, so we tapped into Darth Maladi's research budget, this is in line of what it was intended for, so I don't imagine us getting crucified over this."

Quinn: "you do realise given what we've seen that could be a literal-"

Stacy: "Yeah, I know, don't think we need to get into that."

Quinn: "Anyway, on that bombshell, goodnight."

Quinn and Stacy: leave the laboratory.

Scene: Gymnasium, Darth Maladi and Darth Talon are in conference with Coaches Morris and Gibson.

Coach Gibson: "so, Darth Maladi, any thought?"

Darth Maladi: "I have one. The thing is ... " glances sideways at the camera and then looks back at Gibson and Morris, "Well ... ... probably best I just handle it. Just ... ... " glances at the camera again.

PE Teachers: Slowly nod.

Gibson: "Okay. ... ... well, any tips you can discuss?"

Darth Maladi: "Well, with regards to the cheerleading squad, most the routines are encouragement to our team, what about using them to menace the oppositions? Maybe have them chant 'you're going home in a –" blurred mouth. Noise "- ambulance?"

Coach Gibson: "There are rules regarding what we can actually say there, the main thing we have to consider is that the audience can include children under 12 and their parents, so swear words are out, as are explicit threats of serious injury or death."

Darth Maladi: "Ah, yes, I see. Okay. Well, I will work on ... my efforts ... then."

Scene: The library, Daria and Jane are reading an art book together.

Jane: sits back, "Sorry, I just can't take you seriously when you're dressed like a fashion drone."

Daria: "And yet I took you perfectly serious when you did your fail assignment and dressed conventionally."

Jane: "Don't use your twisty turny logic on me."

Daria: "Okay, well, I'm giving it a week, aside from anything else I'd like to be on friendly enough terms with Darth Maladi because I find her society fascinating, she's an alien from a galactic empire that stretches across the other half of the galaxy, I want to find out all I can from her."

Jane: "Oh, so you're basically an intellectual hoe."

Daria: "Not even. She did have a valid point or I wouldn't be doing this at all, but-"

Drug dealer from last night: Off screen "Hey bitches, kissed on camera yet?" walks behind them.

Daria and Jane: blurred mouths, noise "-off Matthew."

Mathew: "my my my, such filthy-" blurred mouth, noise "-ng language. Well, enjoy your ... whatever this is," continues on.

Daria: Pointing after him "is it my imagination or is this guy actually worse than Upchuck?"

Jane: "Hard to say, I mean, Upchuck you don't want to be around because he's debasing himself, I feel embarrassed for him. Matt ... ... I were a jet fighter, there'd be Ku band alarms going off loudly and persistently. Anyway, back to your favourite alien," looks off to the side "Ooh, speak of the Devaronian."

Camera follows her gaze, Darth Maladi entering the library.

Darth Maladi: "Give me a minute," continues on into the book farm.

Camera returns to Daria and Jane.

Daria: Nods "Right."

Jane: After a pause, "Oh, Darth Maladi, try not to kill Mathew, he may be a –" blurred mouth, noise, "-, but ... ... Actually, disregard."

Daria: "What about you, you talked to any of the Sith?"

Jane: "Well, no, I mean, what do I say?"

Daria: "Hmm ... You could ask about their tattoos. Most documentaries I've seen have shown Chiss, Twi'leks and non-terrestrial Humans, but Darth Talon's markings are way off from what's normal for a Twi'lek, her markings have got to be tattoos."

Jane: "Alien body art huh? ... Well, that might actually work."

Mathew: Walks into view behind them "you two mellowed out yet?"

Daria: "Have you noticed how absolutely NO one mellows around you? It's no coincidence, it really is you that's doing that. Oh, and peaking of doing, please feel free to do one."

Mathew: holds a hand below the level of the table out of camera view but so Daria can see "I could improve your mood if you have five dollars."

Daria: looks to Jane. Looks to the camera. Looks to Mathew. Looks to the camera again. Looks to Mathew "Mathew, two words for you. Rehab, now."

Mathew: "Don't knock it unti-"

Darth Maladi: Off screen "Mathew."

Camera: Pans across to Darth malady, who is beckoning Mathew towards her. She then puts her hands on her hips and turns to the side so when Mathew arrives, her mouth is concealed by his head as she whispers in his ear. Eventually "okay?"

Mathew: "Okay." Heads out, quick wave, "Later bitches."

Camera: returns to Daria and Jane.

Jane: "Hey, do you reckon he'll make a pass at Darth Talon?"

Daria: "I only hope when he does, a camera is pointed at him."

Scene: Lawndale High front door. Students going home for the evening.

Darth Maladi, Darth Nihl, Darth Talon and Sandi emerge.

Jane: emerges, catches up with them, "Err, hey, Darth Talon, hope you don't mind me asking this ... "

Darth Talon: looks at Jane.

Jane: "Those markings, those tattoos?"

Darth Talon: "Yes."

Jane: "I'm wondering what made you get them done, I mean, they're pretty cool looking."

Darth Talon: "I earned them in ritual combat with my mentor and the Sith's enemies."

They continue on to Sandi''s house, Darth Talon and Jane falling behind.

Sandi: "That's sudden."

Darth Maladi: "Daria's suggestion, heard them in the library discussing this."

Sandi: "Oh, right. Well, changing tattoos with the trends of fashion is likely to leave scarring, so generally the Fashion Club doesn't advocate anything more than rub on or temporary tattoos, but this might get Jane to dress fashionably."

Darth Maladi: "Could happen, it would depend on what Darth Talon can do to make Jane see a need to at least try it. With Daria, I found a logical arguement involving proving at least to herself she can charm people instead of continuously telling them to –" blurred mouth, noise "- off, that might not last beyond the week, but she might find the pride in looking good infectious, with Jane ... harder to assess."

Sandi: Nods, "anyway, good work on Daria. ... Oh, err, the ... other thing, how did that go?"

Darth Maladi: "Going good, going good, I think we're onto a winner with that one. Let's get to yours before I go any further eh?"

Sandi: "Agreed."

Scene: Morgendorffer house, an ambulance and two police cars are parked outside.

Voiceover: "Meanwhile, at the Morgandoffer house, there's been a break in."

Scene: Lounge, Daria talking to two uniformed police officers, paramedics are carrying a stretchered individual down the stairs.

Daria: "So I pulled my pen and approached my room to find that asshole rifling through my drawers, my mattress and quilt on the floor. He then notices me and draws a gun, I pick up a post-it stack and ask him his name and address, that makes him complacent enough to get within arms reach, and, well, medics will tell you the rest. Now, I handled the gun by the muzzle to get it away from him and left it on the kitchen counter, but that should be the only location where my prints exist, rest should all be his."

Cop 1: "Thank you," folds his notebook.

Cop 2: Goes to the kitchen to retrieve the gun.

Helen: Enters and stalks up to Daria. "What's going on?"

Daria: "Burglar. Kid from School. Scot I think his name is."

Helen: "You fought him?"

Daria: "Unavoidable."

Helen: "I see. ..." to Cop 1 "where we at with this?"

Cop 1: "We're going to have to take your daughters prints for elimination purposes, I also want you and Daria to look around and find out if anything's missing, we're going to be taking the burglar's possessions for evidence, your door is also evidence, it looks like he used a screwdriver and a lump hammer to get inside," hands Helen a slip of paper and a business card saying "case number, my phone number, my precinct's non-emergency number. Anything else at this time?"

Helen: "No, thank you."

Cop 1: "Okay, we'll be leaving a sentry until your insurance provider can get the door replaced. Have a nice day." Leaves.

Darth Maladi: Enters, asking "What happened here?"

Daria and Helen: "Burglary."

Darth Maladi: "Hope nothing was stolen."

Daria: "Probably not. Got here just in time it would appear. By the way, there's something I need to ask you about," to Helen "Excuse us," leads off upstairs.

Darth Maladi: follows.

Scene: Darth Maladi's laboratory, Quinn and Stacy are stood in a clear space with a gurney and a crash cart, a yellow "Paramedicine For Dummies" book lies on a nearby counter top, Stacy holds a datapad.

Voiceover: "Meanwhile on Corouscant, Quinn and Stacy await their first test subject."

Test Subject: enters, she is a green Twi'lek who appears to be malnourished and has scars up her lekku.

Quinn: "Hi. What's your name?"

Test Subject: "Nallok t`racen."

Quinn: "Nallok, do you understand that this experiment, even though I anticipate no danger, is a medical experiment and can therefore become life threatening unexpectedly and that we may not be able to undo whatever damage occurs?"

Nallok: "Yes. If I don't survive, can you send the money to the Imperial Mission? They do good work."

Quinn: "Certainly. Now, the purpose of the experiment will be to install midichlorians into your cells, if successful, you could become force active, that is, you will develop skills such as precognition, telekinesis, psionic persuasion-"

Nallok: "Like a Jedi?"

Quinn: "Well, hopefully like a Sith, I mean, Sith say the Jedi are agents of chaos and disorder, so ... Anyway, anyway, you fully understand the risks and are willing to proceed?"

Nallok: "Yes."

Quinn: "Okay, please lie on the gurney, and we shall proceed."

Nallok: Lies on the Gurney.

Quinn: Picks up a thick syringe loaded with a silvery fluid, "the midichlorians are loaded into nanites, these are rated as good for clearing out when ordered out, what the nanites will do is inject the midichlorians into nearby cells and seal the hole afterwards ... Well, here we go." Picks up a sterile wipe and unwraps it, wiping a spot on Nallok's arm before proceeding to inject Mallok "Okay, there we go. Any pain or discomfort?"

Nallok: "No, no apparent problems so far."

Stacy: looking at her datapad "Lifesigns seem good, no sign of distress."

Quinn: "Okay, let's see if they've had any effect." Holds up a rubber ball, "Nallok, try applying telekinesis to this ball."

Nallok: stress at the ball. "... ... ... Not able to do that yet."

Quinn: Puts down the rubber ball and picks up a pair of dice, one green, one blue, and a plastic, setting the plastic tray on the bench, "what numbers will these dice show?"

Nallok: thinks, then "green three, blue two."

Quinn: Rolls the dice " ... no." Turns to Nallok, "try to altr my perception and ask the relevant question to test effect."

Nallok: thinks, holding up a hand to Quinn. "Okay, what species, colour and gender am I?"

Quinn: "Twi'Lek, green, female."

Nallok: "I was trying for a male brown Zabrak. No effect."

Quinn: "Okay, we'll try again in half an hour."

Scene: The hallway, Quinn is handing over the jars of Bola spores in a trolley to another Sith warrior.

Sith Warrior leaves with the jars.

Quinn: to the departing Sith "look, trust me, that one jar we were short by will be well worth it." To the camera "Well, that Twi'lek girl was an eye opener. Family sold her off to some pimp, apparently it's a tradition on Ryloth, where Twi'leks originated from, only they call it "contracting out," apparently it gets around the whole slavery thing. Anyway, pimp was killed, anyone working for him, voluntarily or not got killed, mutilated, or otherwise uglied up." Shakes her head. "They got hyperdrive, medical droids, lightsabres, blasters, and still the same problems we have on Earth. Daria would be laughing her ass off if she knew." Checks her watch, "Okay, let's try again," goes back inside.

Quinn picks up the ball.

Nallok focuses. The ball floats up, stretches in all directions, and then suddenly rips in four, the four pieces shooting off across up and down with an alarming pop. "Sorry."

Quinn: "why'd you rip it apart?"

Nallok: "I was trying to hold it in place, guess I was trying a little too hard. Guess I'll need practice to get that right."

Quinn: Picks up the dice.

Nallok: "Blue one Green five."

Quinn: Rolls the dice. "Err, no."

Nallock: Damn, wrong one, roll them again."

Quinn: Rolls the dice. "Hey, correct. Okay, alter my perception." Waits "Stacy, could you stop sharpening your horns?"

Stacy: "Eh? ... I don't have any horns."

Nallok: "Cool. Stacy was a Zabrak, right?"

Quinn: "Don't know what a Zabrak is, Stacy's head suddenly had a whole load of horns growing out of it all around it and I thought she had always looked that way."

Nallok: "Sweet."

Quinn: "It works then. That's the first phase complete." Walks off. Returns with a small flat case and opens it, handing it to Nallok. "I'd like you to stay around and make sure no problems arise from this."

Scene: Same, only much later, Nallok is holding two of the cases full of credits and is shaking Quinn's hand.

Voiceover: "No problems arise, and Nallok's work is complete."

Nallok: "Well, may the force be with you," leaves.

Quinn: "Okay, let's get Tiffany back here and inject ourselves, then we can start refining our very own force powers."

Stacy: "Right-o," leaves to get Tiffany.

Quinn: opens an autoclave and starts assembling three syringes. She then loads them from the jar of midichlorian loaded nanites.

Stacy and Tiffany enter.

Stacy: "Okay."

Quinn: picks up a sterile wipe and wipes a spot on her arm, and then injects herself.

Stacy and Tiffany: copy Quinn's actions on themselves.

They drop the needles into the contaminated sharps bin and place the syringes back on the tray.

Quinn: "So, half an hour from now, we should be force active."

Stacy: "What do we do while we wait?"

Quinn: "Think there's a mall somewhere around here."

Stacy: "Really?"

Quinn: "Planet's covered in city, I mean, gotta be at least one." Leads off out.

Scene: Lawndale Craft Design Technology class, only person in there is Darth Talon dressed in LHS Football uniform except for the helmet stood over an active routing table.

Darth Talon: turns off the router table, lifts up a football helmet modified with two holes in the back. She lifts her lekku and holds the helmet in place threading her lekku through the holes. She gets the helmet most the way on and then takes it off, rubbing her left lek near it's root before reactivating the routing table and modifying it further.

Voiceover: "Today is the day of the football match with Middleton."

Scene: The football pitch, bleechers full.

Scene: Close view of The Morgendorffer family along with the Griffin Family. Spaces are there unfilled.

Scene: Tighter shot of Sandi.

Sandi: Checks her watch. "Honestly, even allowing for them being aliens, I'd expect them to realise that this is well beyond fashionably late and just plain late. I know Darth Nihl is on the football team, so I expect to see him ... ... Oh, my god."

Camera pans to the pitch, the Lawndale team is filing onto the pitch along with the middleton team, one of the Lawndale team is clearly a red Twi'lek with Sith tattoos.

Camera pans back to Sandi.

Sandi: "That's ... It's not fashionable for girls to act like guys."

Cameraman: "What if Darth Talon makes it fashionable?"

Sandi: "Well ... ... " really thinks this one over. "I suppose I'll have to hope she can pull it off."

Darth Maladi: walks up behind the seats the Griffins and the Morgendorffers are on and sits next to Sandi.

Sandi: "Where have you been?"

Darth Maladi: "Good question. I will have an answer at some point. Meanwhile, I recommend enjoying the game. ... This should be good."

Sandi: Nods, slightly scared. "After today, we're shifting our thinking to overcast sky, this blue sky thinking will age me horribly."

Darth Maladi: "I understand. ... Where's Daria?"

Sandi: "Hiding in the library probably."

Darth Maladi: "I understand that too."

Sandi: "How so?"

Darth Maladi: "Well, let's just say our blue sky thinking spilled over and stressed her too."

Sandi: Alarmed "does she-"

Darth Maladi: "Probably, but she tries anything, it'll blow back harder on her than anyone else, so best leave her."

Sandi: Nods.

Upchuck: Off screen, PA "And now the teams line up, Lawndale won the toss, kickoff approaches ... "

Camera pans to the pitch, cheerleaders on both sides doing their routines, and the referee backs off from the field, whistle in mouth.

Referee: Blows on the whistle.

The Lawndale Team scrums against the opposing team, QB ball in hand moves back, rest of the team backs off in a pre-planned way, QB and the Sith form up and rush forth, jumping over and rolling down the backs of the opposing teams as planned and scoring a touchdown.

They then reset, but now the Middleton team are taking a while to get into formation, some of them crouching while clearly not in their line, realising it and then moving into their line.

Upchuck: PA "Middleton team acting like they forgot how to line up, but they're ready again, Ref getting ready to set this off ... ... "

Referee: Blows the whistle.

Lawndale team: As before, only this time the Middleton team fails to brace properly, the Lawndale team stumbles almost tripping over them. QB shrugs and throws the ball to the line now on the other side of the opposition and the rest of the team carry the ball to the opposing endzone. Some of the Middleton team run at the QB and the sith, colliding with each other, others reach for the ball, flexing their fingers as if they are grabbing something. QB and the sith again jumps over and rolls down the backs of the Middleton players they encounter and evade for the rest of this round.

Middleton Coach: Gestures "What?" aghast.

Upchuck: PA "Now something REALLY strange is going on here. The Middleton team appear to have completely lost it."

Middleton team wanders around aimlessly, some of them trying to grab at something they see flying through the air, others crouching as if they're setting up for a scrum, three of them line up in the Lawndale scrum.

Middleton coach: irritably signals "5 minutes" to the ref.

Ref: Nods.

Middleton Coach: Massively angered "ALLRIGHT, LOCKER ROOM, NOW, AND I MEAN YESTERDAY!"

Middleton players: go back to the tunnel, leaving the Lawndale team confused.

Upchuck: "Well, as you can see, they're taking a break, but to me it looks like they might be abandoning play, something is clearly wrong with the Middleton team, if their coach can't sort them out, he will be forced to forfeit the match, which means Lawndale continues to the next stage, but it's not a very entertaining outcome."

Middleton Cheerleaders: loiter aimlessly as the Lawndale Cheerleaders huddle and discuss the situation.

Brittany then mouths something to Upchuck.

Upchuck: "You sure? That's a bit tasteless."

Brittany: Mouths something else at Upchuck.

Upchuck: "Very well. I bow to the authority of head cheerleader regarding psychological warfare waged against the opposing side." Starts playing Eminem's "Lose It."

Middleton Cheerleaders: Make obscene gestures to all around as they too return to the locker room.

Scene: Visitor's locker room. Some players are watching their hand move back and forth, one seems to be following an imaginary butterfly, one seems to be reaching off in random directions, one is stood on top of the lockers trying to breathe as close to the ceiling as possible.

Middleton coach: Enters "RIGHT, ONE OF YOU IS GOING TO TELL ME WHAT YOU ALL TOOK AND WHY YOU TOOK IT ON A MATCH DAY OF ALL DAYS AND HUMILATED THE EVER LOVING –" noise, mouth blurred "- OUT OF YOUR COACH, YOUR SCHOOL, YOUR HOME TOWN EVEN!"

Football Team Rush to cover behind a row of lockers, staring nervously over it whimpering in terror.

Coach: Waits half a minute. "WELL? OUT WITH IT."

Team Captain: "We only took the legal stimulant you left us on the bus."

Coach: "WHAT? I LEFT NO SUCH THING!"

Team Captain: "We found an envelope full of heat sealed lengths of drinking straw filled with a bright red liquid and instructions to add it to our drinks."

Coach: "AN ... envelope and heat sealed drinking straws full of ... I picked up a whole load of them when I found them littering my front yard and threw them in the bin. There was a brown legal sized envelope there too. ... Excuse me." Storms out, livid.

Football team: Timidly venture out from behind the lockers.

Scene: Hallway somewhere, Middleton Coach, Gibson and Angela Li are stood there glaring daggers at each other.

Middleton Coach: blurred mouth noises for about a minute, "-cheating-" blurred mouth more noises for about a minute "-Underhanded-" blurred mouth more noises for five solid minutes "-drugged my players. What's the matter, scared of a straight match?"

Angela Li: "We're not cheats, but it sounds like your players were trying to be."

Middleton Coach: "THAT'S ENTRAPMENT AND YOU KNOW IT FULL-" blurred mouth, noise "- WELL!"

Angela Li: Bows her head rubbing her temple.

Gibson: "I hate to say it, but his suspicions are reasonable, I don't think anyone on our team would have done this, the suspicion of foul play does our honour no good, but there is plenty of motive for bookies to manipulate the odds, I've also heard of property values being affected by football game results, it seems to me it would be worth getting the police in on this.

Cop: walks up to them "Excuse me, Principal Li?"

Angela: "Right, this is Coach Gibson, and his middleton counterpart. Who called you in anyway? We only just started discussing it."

Cop: "Discussing what?"

Coach Gibson: "Someone drugged the Middleton team, their coach thought it was us, I'd like to think we're all above that, but those drugs came from somewhere."

Cop: "Oh, well, I'm here because your nurse called reporting a Mathew Foster had drank half a bottle of toilet duck and the nurse thinks someone made him do it."

Angela: "What? ,,, Oooooh! ... Cause of death, colon, running a school. ... Everyone, follow me." Leads off.

Scene: Corouscant, some mall somewhere, Quinn is walking in an alien looking dress similar to her normal clothes, carrying a pair of shopping bags.

Voiceover: "Meanwhile on Corouscant, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany are done shopping."

Quinn: "Well, there were some finds, but not many. Looking at all the aliens around here, it's definitely an interesting challenge for any stylist, I mean, how do you make an Ithorian look fashionable?"

Cameraman: "Ithorian?"

Quinn: points one out.

Camera: Pans to look at one, pauses, then pans back to Quinn.

Quinn: "It's also strange any time I mention to retail staff I'm working for Krayt for the week in place of a Sith lord, they look like they're going to-" blurred mouth, noise "- themselves, I mean, what's that about? And that test subject we hired earlier, seemed to idolise the Jedi, not the Sith. ... ..." shakes head, "ehhh ... Anyway, tomorrow, we'll show off our powers to Darth Krayt." Walks off to a wall saying "Maybe we should enter the thrownroom like-" walks up onto the wall, using telekinesis to stand sideways on it, "-this, you know? Or maybe the ceiling," giggles slightly.

Stacy: Walking sideways on the wall over to Quinn, also dressed differently and carrying some shopping bags "Hey Quinn, like your outfit."

Quinn: "Like yours too. Where's Tiffany?"

Tiffany: Offscreen "Uuuuuuuuup herrrrrrrrrre."

Camera pans up to see Tiffany walking upside down under a balcony.

Tiffany: Detaches from the balcony, righting herself and using the force to decelerate herself, landing on the ground next to the wall Quinn and Stacy is on. When she raises her face, her eyes are visible, her irises are fire coloured.

Quinn: "Tiffany, what happened to your eyes?"

Tiffany: "Whaaaaaaaaaat?" pulls a mirror and looks. "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."

Quinn: "Hey, my eyes aren't like that are they?"

Stacy: "No, what about mine?" panicked.

Quinn: "No."

Stacy: relieved "Oh, thank god ... ... Have you noticed how all the Sith's eyes are coloured like that and yet none of the species they are a member of walking on the street have eyes like that?"

Quinn: "Yeah, I suppose we'll have to ask about that. Worst case scenario, we'll need to get Tiffany some coloured contact lenses. Come on." Walks back onto the ground and leads off.

Stacy and Tiffany: Follow her.

Scene: Library, Daria and Jane sat at a table.

Cameraman: "You two don't look too pleased."

Daria and Jane: Don't respond.

Cameraman: "Either of you want to talk to me here?"

Daria: looks at Jane, then at the camera. "There's quite a bit I'd like to say, but half of it would be unbroadcastable in primetime hours, and the other half could ... ... Sorry, no comment."

Jane: "As for me, I mean, I'm an artist, so I'm comfortable around people who are eccentric. ... Darth Talon is not merely eccentric, she's crazy. She's loco in the lekku, she's loony in the ... ... lekku. ... Weird in the worms." Shrugs.

Cameraman: "How?"

Jane: "The Sith have this habit of topping off great works, if you can call them great works, with the death of the creator of these works. In order to infuse it with darkness."

Daria: "We're certain Darth Talon wasn't joking here?"

Jane: "I've been thinking about that, but no, I don't think she was. I tried extrapolating on the eccentricity, she corrected me. This is deadly serious to her."

Cameraman: "what does that mean for your relationship with the Sith?"

Daria and Jane: look at each other and shrug.

Scene: Police interview room, two police officers in civilian clothes sat across from Darth Maladi and another person in civilian attire.

Voiceover: "Meanwhile, the police have taken an interest in Darth Maladi's interactions with Mathew Foster."

Cop 1: "Time is 14:30, 23 of January, 2012, suspect interview of Darth Maladi in connection with the suicide attempt of Mathew Foster, detectives Gary Inch, Harry Mile, representing Darth Maladi, solicitor Ian Springer. Now, Darth Maladi, I would like to know what relationship you have, if any, with Mathew Foster?"

Darth Maladi: "I have spoken to him on occasion. I have previously had to warn him off of harassing Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane, later he approached me daring me to do something, I made a threat to cleave him in two with my lightsabre if he didn't leave me alone, he calls me a stuck up bitch and runs off. As far as I can tell, he is what you earth humans would refer to as a ... douchebag?"

Gary Inch: "What would have happened had he persisted in harassing you after you made the threat to cleave him in two with your lightsabre?"

Darth Maladi: "Well, it is unlikely I would have had to produce, let alone ignite my lightsabre, I may not be a hand of Krayt like Darth Nihl or Darth Talon, but I have been schooled in martial arts, and I can tell that Mathew Foster has not, I would have kicked his ass, but he would be alive, and with added sense I would hope."

Gary Inch: "Did anything in his behaviour indicate suicidal intent?"

Darth Maladi: "No. His aggression was often directed at those around him, it is unusual for those whose aggression is directed towards others to suddenly turn around and direct that aggression towards themselves, and the reverse is true. Having said that, it is not unheard of. It's just massively unusual."

Gary Inch: "Okay, I would like to move onto the matter of Scott Rhodes, caught breaking into the Morgendorffer household, you are staying there while you participate in the show Clique Swap, could you explain to me why he might have broken into the Morgendorffer house specifically?"

Darth Maladi: "No."

Gary Inch: "He is a known associate of Mathew Foster, they are both thought to be involved in the distribution of controlled substances, could he have been looking for said controlled substances?"

Darth Maladi: "Again ... ... Could he have hit the wrong house? And come to that, could he not have been searching for valuable items to pawn off for drug money if you're saying he was attempting to feed an addiction?"

Gary Inch: "He walked past all manner of electronic goods, and left the master bedroom well alone, he was after something specific. He also fixated on only one room."

Darth Maladi: "Daria's room."

Gary Inch: "Correct."

Darth Maladi: "I would suggest you ask Daria then."

Gary Inch: "We will."

Darth Maladi: "Is there anything else?"

Gary Inch: "Yes, I would like to show you something." Produces a laptop, logs back on, and brings up a media player "I am showing Darth Maladi security footage covering the security checkpoint at the main entrance of the school." Hits play, places it on the table so all seated at it can see, "There's you, Darth Nihl and Darth Talon. Two security guards lead Darth Talon into a side room for a more thorough search, and here's another security guard who has seen your lightsabre on the X-ray. And now, the first two guards come out engaging in lewd acts in front of minors, and meanwhile, you've somehow dissolved any concerns this third one has about your armaments. What is going on there?"

Darth Maladi: "The guard I talked to, I merely made a logical case that as mature adults who were in leadership positions in the galactic empire, we could be trusted to retain our weapons without the risk that we would use them for any other purpose than self defence, but the first two ... perhaps they need psychoanalysis."

Gary Inch: "Or, you and your associates have the ability to mess with people's minds, make them act in a way that is against their better judgement."

Darth Maladi: "That is a bolt assertion, is there any basis in fact for that assertion or are you simply projecting your culture's science fiction movie clichés onto us because of your strikingly different appearance?"

Gary Inch: "Don't play the race card Darth Maladi, that –" blurred mouth, noise, "- won't fly here. We also have footage of you waving at Mathew during the conversation in which you claimed to have merely issued an empty threat, and as you yourself have admitted, it is unusual for individuals who are violent to others to turn that violent behaviour inwards. We are also searching the Morgendorffer residence for drugs. Will we find any?"

Darth Maladi: "You will find caffeine, ethyl alcohol, you might also find aspirin, paracetomol-"

Gary inch: "What about Lysergic Acid Diethylamide? Or methylenedioxy methylamphetamine? Or, Phencyclidine?"

Darth malady: "those I presume are controlled substances?"

Gary Inch: "Yes."

Darth Maladi: "If those are in the Morgendorffer Household, I have no connection to them."

Scene: Morgendorffer Household, Daria, Helen, Jake and Darth Nihl are sat around the table eating lasangne.

Voiceover: "Later, the police arrive at the Morgendorffer House."

Someone at the front door: Knocks on the door.

Daria: Goes to the front door to answer it. Opens the front door.

Police sergeant: Hands her a folded sheet of paper saying "Police, we are here to search this place for drugs." Suppresses a yawn.

Daria: reads it.

Helen: "What?" runs to the front door.

Daria: Hands Helen the sheet of paper saying "Looks valid."

Helen: reads it. "Yeah, okay, come in then."

Police: enter, all but two of them have a dog.

Darth Nihl: walks up to them asking "What they looking for?"

Daria and Helen: "Drugs."

Darth Nihl: "Oh." To the sergeant "Hey, Darth Maladi's been missing all afternoon, you're not holding her in connection with this are you?"

Police Sergeant: "Yeah." Rubs his face, "if this search turns up nothing, we'll probably release her, this raid is supposed to find evidence to," yawns.

Helen: "How many raids have you done today?"

Police Sergeant: "This is the first, but we got so –" blurred mouth, noise "-ing lost on the way, we'll probably have to radio in for someone with a can of diesel to get back to base."

Helen: "Oh."

Jake: walking up to them, "your sat nav, right?"

Police sergeant: "Yeah."

Jake: "Yeah. It should be sooooooo simple shouldn't it?" ascending rage "but it never is, damn –" blurred mouth, noise "- -" blurred mouth, noise"- -" blurred mouth, noise"- -" blurred mouth, noise "- satellite navigation misleads you on purpose!"

Daria: "Uh, dad? Want to tone it down before you get done for a public disorder offence?"

Police sergeant: "Not even likely, I just want this day -" blurred mouth, noise "-ing over with."

Dog handlers: return, saying "nothing."

Police sergeant: "Right-o. Sorry for the inconvenience, please enjoy the rest of your evening." Leads them all out.

Morgendorffers and Darth Nihl: return to the table.

Someone at the front door: Knocks on the door.

Helen: Returns to the door "aww, you don't reckon they forgot to look for something," opens the front door.

Darth Talon: enters, "Sorry I'm late, I was delayed."

Scene: Throne room ceiling, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany are sat upside down waiting.

Voiceover: "It is morning in the Sith Temple on Corouscant. The Fashion Club prepare to surprise Darth Krayt."

Camera: Pans to the entrance to the throne room as footsteps become apparent.

Darth Krayt: enters, not looking up "Get down here you idiots."

Camera: Pans up to Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany, all looking a bit offput.

Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany: Detach from the ceiling and land on the floor.

Quinn: "That's a bit harsh isn't it?"

Darth Krayt: looks at them "I suppose none of you watch any news channels do you?"

Quinn: "Borrr-ring."

Darth Krayt: Nods "Right. Well, you missed a treat this morning. First off, the spaceport was host to about 40 collisions and had to turn away all inbound flights and cancel sending any planned flights because some force active green Twi'lek hallucinated and involuntarily used force alter to make everyone hallucinate alongside her, including trainng to be a sex slave and being uglied up by a rival gang to make her incapable of attracting customers."

Quinn: "That's Nallok."

Stacy: Nods "Yeah, poor girl." Agitated "Oh god, the midichlorians, we injected ourselves with the same midichlorians we injected into Nallok!"

Darth Krayt: scornful "Yes. Nice one. But wait, it gets better. The latest batches of death sticks Maladi's department sold made their users force active. We now have flying ravers sharing their hallucinations."

Quinn: "Death sticks?" frowns "Who takes drugs from something actually called a death stick?"

Darth Krayt: "They're druggies, they're stupid like that."

Quinn: "But what- ... Those spores. ... Why the -" blurred mouth, noise "- are we making drugs for? Drugs are for losers."

Darth Krayt: "It's a major source of revenue for the One Sith,"

Quinn: "Hallucinogens? What does that do to your work force?"

Darth Krayt: "What do you mean?"

Quinn: "You run an empire, you need a thriving economy, you need money to move if you want to draw tax revenue for defence, law enforcement, health services, fire and rescue services, infrastructure, I mean, how long did you spend learning to run a galactic empire before you took charge of your galactic empire?"

Darth Krayt: "What do you know about running an empire?"

Quinn: "If I know more than you, then you're not very bright are you? You called us idiots?"

Darth Krayt: "You know what? I am an idiot, I mean, why the –" blurred mouth, noise "- did I even agree to this?" grabs his lightsabre, lights it, "I'm done with this. Hope your parents don't mind reassembling you when they get you back."

Stacy: Looks fearful.

Tiffany: Looks fascinated.

Quinn: Looks concerned. "Right. ... " Looks at Stacy and Tiffany. "We should run."

Stacy "Agreed."

Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany: Run.

Darth Krayt: Runs after them.

Camera: Follows Darth Krayt.

Quinn and Tiffany: Run one way.

Stacy: Runs another.

Darth Krayt: Chases Stacy.

Camera: Follows Krayt.

Camera: Loses Krayt.

Stacy: Emerges from the room she had ducked into carrying three lightsabre hilts per hand. Runs off in search of Quinn and Tiffany.

Cameraman: "Are you sure you three can take him?"

Stacy: "We'd better be able to." Rounds a corner.

Moff Calixte: Waiting around the corner "Or you three could run."

Stacy: "We could?""

Moff Calixte: "You know no lightsabre combat forms, have spent no seconds, let alone hours training in them, and Darth Krayt is ex-Jedi, help is on it's way, but you three won't live to be helped if you get into a fight with Darth Krayt."

Stacy: dithers a few seconds and says "Fine." Closes her eyes a few seconds and then runs off down a side corridor.

Camera man: "I take it you don't support Darth Krayt's decision to kill the substitute Sith?"

Moff Calixte: "Correct, but I have no time for this, a press statement might be given later. Excuse me." Walks off.

Camera man: "Right then." Pans the camera around, "just need to find something to film I guess."

Random Sith Warrior: Runs past carrying a lit lightsabre.

Camera man: "Huh, sense of urgency," chases Random Sith Warrior.

Sith Warrior: Meets another Sith Warrior "What's the situation?"

Another Sith Warrior: "Darth Krayt wants Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany killed."

Sith Warrior: "I was hoping he'd order that."

Sith Warriors: Run off.

Cameraman: Wanders aimlessly for a while. Hears Quinn in a room. Enters room.

Quinn: Behind a storage locker "See, I can't make lightning, how is it you can?"

Tiffany: "Iiiiiiiiii Donnnnnnnn't Knowwwwwwwww. Iiiiiii jussssssst cannnnnnn."

Cameraman: Gets a view of them both.

Quinn: Peeks around the corner "Seen Stacy anywhere?"

Cameraman: "Yeah, she was looking for you two carrying six lightsabres, but Moff Calixte reckons you should all hide and wait for help."

Quinn: "What help?"

Cameraman: "She didn't say."

Quinn: "Okay. How do we find her?"

Cameraman: "I don't know, I saw her close her eyes a few seconds, and then run off, I figured she was using some force ability to find you two."

Stacy: Enters "Got Some lightsabres, but Moff Calixte said we should just hide. I agree. We may now be equally armed, but we are far from equally trained." Hands the lightsabres out.

Quinn and Tiffany: Light their lightsabres and then turn them off.

Quinn: "Calixte didn't say what the help would consist of. I think we need to get out of here."

Stacy: "If we get to the hanger, we might be able to steal some of their spacecraft, there's like total gridlock in the skies at any one time, we should be able to hide out in that."

Quinn: "Okay, we'll do that then."

Tiffany: "Cannnnn weeeeeee flyyyyyyyy thossssse thingssssss?"

Quinn: "Sure. How hard can it be?"

Quinn, Stacy, Tiffany and Cameraman: Run to the hanger.

Sith guarding the hanger: Sees them and lights his sabre.

Quinn: "Eep," lights her sabres.

Stacy and Tiffany: Light their sabres.

Quinn: "You don't think he's ex Jedi too do you?"

Stacy: "I doubt that matters if the Sith and the Jedi are longstanding enemies, they'd have to be equivalent in skills, right?"

Quinn: "Hmm, good point."

Sith Guarding The Hanger: "So, you fighting or talking?"

Quinn: "We'll be fighting, give us a minute."

Sight Guarding The Hanger: relaxes, "Okay, wait, second thoughts," launches an attack.

Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany: hits him with about 872463121N of force telekinesis.

Sith Guarding The Hanger: Gets projected away from Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany, colliding with the wall behind him with sufficient inertia to get splattered microns thin across the wall.

Quinn and Stacy: Look at each other and nod.

Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany and Cameraman: Enter the hanger and walk towards the ship they had arrived in.

Quinn and Stacy: Take pilot and co-pilot stations.

Tiffany: Looks around and takes another station.

Quinn: "Right, let's see," Moves one of the twin control columns forward. This causes the ship to move forward but also turn hard left, it crashes into a fighter. "Okay, think I got this." Moves both columns back, there is the sound of more small single seater craft being destroyed by their adopted spacecraft. "Ah, that's just going to need painting is all, right, here we go." Gets the hang of manoeuvring the craft and makes for the exit, swiping another fighter on the way out.

Tiffany: Plays around with the controls at her station and finds herself operating some turret. Acquires one of the fighters and shoots at it, some kind of glowing missile that projects the fighter across the hanger into another. "Cooooooooooooool."

Quinn: "Okay, we need real power here, what's this one?" Operates a switch, the forward view turns from the Corouscant skyline to streaking specs into a pipe of blue clouds revolving around the spacecraft. "Oh. Think that's the hyperdrive."

Stacy: "I'll work on the navigation." Works on her station's settings, "Oh, here we go. We need somewhere the Sith won't be don't we?"

Quinn: "Right. ... Where?"

Stacy: "I don't know, err ... Anzat maybe?"

Quinn: "Why Anzat?"

Stacy: "The name sounds cool."

Quinn: "Okay, Anzat it is then."

Stacy: Sets the destination.

Scene: Morgendorffer House, Darth Maladi, Darth Talon and Darth Nihl along with Helen, Jake and Daria are sat around the table eating breakfast. The three Sith are sharing five bowls of differing cereal between them and commenting on them.

Voiceover: "The next morning, the events on Corouscant reach out and touch Earth.

Someone: Knocks on the front door.

Helen: goes to answer it.

Cameraman: Follows her.

Helen: Opens the door revealing Hillary Clinton and another human in a galactic empire general uniform.

Hillary: "Is Darth Maladi here?"

Helen: "Uh, yeah ... right this way." Walks back to the kitchen with Hillary, the empire general and the cameraman following her.

Jake: "Say, is that Hillary Clinton?"

Daria: "I have a batter question: What's happened to my sister?"

Helen: suddenly alarmed, turns to Hillary.

Hillary: "I'd best let the General explain this."

General: "Right, what's happened is that your sister and her friends killed a Sith, destroyed a hanger full of fighters, stole a transport, and hit the hyperdrive in Corouscant's atmosphere."

Helen and Jake: look perplexed.

Daria: "That would have popped a few eardrums. Now ... ... Why would Quinn and friends have done this?"

General: "We were hoping you could tell us."

Daria: Slowly standing up and walking to the General "Okay, here's my theory: Quinn and friends angered Darth Krayt, Quinn and friends were chased by Darth Krayt and his forces, Quinn and friends escaped and are wandering the galaxy –" blurred mouth, noise "- scared for their lives unsure where to go for safety, but still evading you. Now ... WHAT. ... HAPPENED?"

Hillary: "Err, Daria is it?"

Daria: Looks at Hillary "Yes, and just out of curiosity, are we ever going to get an administration that DOESN'T befriend every loony tunes dictator out there?"

Darth Talon: Stalks up to Daria, using force telekinesis to turn her around to face her "You will not refer to Darth Krayt as a loony tunes dictator."

Daria: "Or what? You'll kill an American citizen in her own home in front of the US Secstate and her security detail?"

Darth Talon: Looks over to Hillary, the imperial general and the identically black suited goons with earwigs pointing Sig Saurs at her. Releases Daria.

Daria: "I'm off to school. When I get back, I'd better hear my sister's alive and on her way back." Grabs her kit and goes to school.

Scene: Morgendorffer Upstairs Landing.

Voiceover: "The Sith consult with their general."

Helen: Paces into view, points at Quinn's room "What the hell aren't they telling us?"

Hillary: Out of view "Hard to tell."

Cameraman: Pans to include Hillary.

Hillary: "We don't have the reach they do, so we have a huge limitation on how many people we can send out to promote trade and find out what's out there, most the worlds where we do have staff are Chiss worlds, we have one ambassador on Corouscant, but he's been there all of a week."

Helen: "Well, has our ambassador come back to you with anything on this?"

Hillary: "Pretty much the same thing as their ambassador has-" phone rings, "-excuse me." Answers the phone "Yeah? ... ... –" blurred mouth, noise "- ... ... Okay, thanks." Hangs up, "apparently Darth Krayt has been killed, because most his staff were out chasing Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany, an individual called Cade Skywalker was able to kill him. Rule has apparently reverted back to Roan Fel."

Helen: "Who's Roan Fel?"

Hillary: "Not sure, I need to get back to my office and find out what that-"

A noise occurs outsidethe house past Quinn's room.

Cameraman: Pans to the wondow looking outside, runs to it.

Helen and Hillary: Overtake the cameraman.

Helen: "That's from Quinn's room." Runs to Quinn's room, enters revealing a hole in the wall, smouldering from the way it was cut, the imperial general is cut in half. A holographic communicator is resting on the floor, upside down.

Holographic communicator: "Hello? General?"

Hillary Clinton: walks over to it and picks it up, revealing Moff Calixte, "Your general's dead, Darth's Maladi, Talon and Nihl have legged it. What's going on?"

Moff Calixte: "Who are you?"

Hillary Clinton: "Hillary Clinton, Secretary Of State for the United States of America, Earth."

Moff Calixte: "Oh. Well, now Roan Fel's back, the Sith are all wanted for a variety of crimes ranging from various levels of assault, murder, attempted genocide, I was instructing the general to have the Sith on earth arrested, I didn't realise he was in the same room as them at the time."

Hillary: "What of Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany?"

Moff Calixte: "Given the nature of their involvement, I don't anticipate them being charged, I have ordered several destroyers to try to recover them, meanwhile, I'll be sending people to retrieve the Sith from Earth."

Hillary: "I'm sure we can handle them."

Moff Calixte: "No you can't, they're force active, the intel we have on you guys is you have no idea what that is, just stay out of their way until help arrives, okay?"

Hillary: "HEY! What does force active mean?"

Moff Calixte: "Telekinesis, telempathy, precognition."

Hillary: Makes a face "What?"

Scene: The Sith ship. No longer in hyperspace, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany are floating around, as is the cameraman.

Voiceover: "Meanwhile, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany have encountered a problem. They hadn't checked their fuel levels prior to entering hyperspace."

Quinn: "All right, everyone ready?"

Stacy: "Sure. Again though-"

Quinn: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we don't go as fast without hyperdrive, still-"

Navigation and tactical consoles: Make some noise.

Quinn and Stacy: Go to the pilots consoles.

Tiffany: Goes to the tactical console.

Quinn: "bunch of ships, reckon they're- Nope scratch that, they're all Sith, I sense them."

Stacy: "Me too."

Tiffany: "Weaaaaaponnnnns Unnnnavaaaaailaaaaaablllllle."

Quinn: "Directed energy weapons. Okay, maybe we can confuse them with our powers."

Stacy: "you mean make them think we're one of them and one of them is us?"

Quinn: "Exactly."

All three: do it.

Cameraman: "Is it working?"

Quinn: "Yeah, I can, like, feel them die. Weird."

Tiffany: "Iiiiiiiiii liiiiiiiike thisssssssss feeeeeeelinnnnnng."

Several minutes pass.

Quinn: "Okay, get some rest before we start moving again."

All three: float asleep.

Several minutes later.

All three: Wake up.

Quinn: "Oh, not Sith."

Cameraman: "Who aren't Sith?"

Quinn: "Ship that just arrived," floats over to the pilot's seat.

Unknown voice: "Sith Ship from Mynock, please identify yourself, over?"

Quinn: activates the comm. "Mynock, this is Quinn Morgendorffer, we need some help here, seems we didn't fill up enough ... Or at all. ... Over."

Unknown Voice: "Have that Quinn, I'll be sending people over with EVA suits to retrieve you and return you to Corouscant, you are no longer in danger there, over."

Quinn: "Where's Krayt?

Unknown Voice: "Sliced, diced, dropped into Corouscant's host star."

Tiffany: "Goooooooooood."

Quinn: "Works for me. Okay, send your people over." Turns the comm. off, looks at Stacy and Tiffany "how do we work the airlock?"

Scene: The Mynock. Quinn, Tiffany and Stacy are standing around the bridge with a white human male, a black human mala, and a pink Zeltron female with blue hair, they are in hyperspace.

Voiceover: "As agreed, the fashion club members are on their way back to Corouscant."

Quinn: addressing the Zeltron "and there's a whole planet of you?"

Pink Zeltron Female: "Yeah, you really think my species could be that fashionable on your world?"

Quinn: "More like you'd compliment so many outfits." Turns to the camera "what do you reckon? Delia Blue, galactic fashion sensation, eh?"

Cameraman: "I'm not much of a fashion commentator, but yeah, I can see that happening."

Black human male: "Provided she can stand to stop crawling through starship guts for months on end."

Deliah: "Syn, hun? I make covered in grease look sex-eyyyy."

Syn: Looks at Quinn "Yeah?"

Quinn: Reultctant "Errrrr ... "

White Human Male: "What's with Tiffany's force signature? It's kinda dark?"

Syn: "Yeah, Cade's got a point, I mean, look at her eyes, that's what all the Sith eyes look like."

Quinn: "I don't know any of this, all I know is Tiffany's eyes got like that, mine and Stacy's eyes didn't."

Cade: "Force has four aspects, universal, living, light and dark."

Scene: Lawndale Airport, conference room, Hillary, a Lawndale Police Superintendant, a Chiss general and the General commanding the US Army Rangers are there, each with a laptop and a phone (in the case of the Chiss general, a datapad and a holocommunicator).

Voiceover: "Meanwhile at Lawndale's airport, the Secretary Of State is setting up a command centre."

Police superintendant: "Okay, we have roadblocks, we've also commandeered twenty five light aircraft, twenty are airborne at all times, we're going to start to have serious problems paying for fuel real soon."

Rangers Genera: picks up his phone "I'll talk to the Joint Chiefs Chairman, he'll get you the money," speed dials the Joint Chiefs Chairman.

Chiss General: "We have a team of imperial knights on their way, they're force active, that should give them the ability to track the Sith down."

Hillary: "That raises another issue, how do we know the Galactic Empire won't be switching administrations every five minutes?"

Chiss General: "Darth Krayt and Roan Fel were the only two players on the Imperial scene, now that Krayt's dead, we just have Roan Fel to deal with."

Hillary: "So we have no other heads of state competing right?"

Chiss General: Looks like he's just remembered something.

Hillary: Sighs. "Who else?"

Chiss General: "Gar Stazi. Supreme commander of the New Republic Defence Fleet, wants to bring back a democratic republic."

Hillary: Looks well stressed. "Okay ... ... Does it look like it'll take more than the next week for that to be an issue?"

Chiss General: "Yes."

Hillary: "Good."

Scene: The Sith Temple on Corouscant, the Mynock is in the landing bay, Quinn Stacy and Tiffany are boarding with their luggage.

Scene: On the Mynock, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany are sat on their luggage as the Mynock powers up.

Quinn: "Well, been an adventure, but to be honest, I'm glad to see the back of it."

Stacy:"Yeah, it was pretty exciting except for the Sith trying to kill us and that prisoner we had to torture."

Deliah: Offscreen: "What?" Enters, "Excuse me, err, what?"

Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany: Look up at her.

Quinn: "We thought we were doing the right thing."

Deliah: "Really? So it's the right thing to deliberately hurt someone who what? Was in the wrong place at the wrong time?"

Quinn: "Krayt said the Mon Calamari were terrorists."

Deliah: Winds up to kick Quinn in the face.

Quinn: Uses force telekinesis to pin Deliah three dimensionally "Look, just calm down, alright? Our own government does it every now and then in order to crack real hard core terrorists, so there's a legitimate use for it, okay?"

Deliah: "You consider punishing an entire species for the actions of a few a legitimate use for torture?"

Quinn: "What?"

Deliah: "Yeah, that's right, Mon Calamari's a species, not a terror group. Now you know what Darth Krayt's like, do you still maintain what you three did was right?"

Quinn and Stacy: Look awkward.

Tiffany: Looks bored as she files her nails.

Syn: Enters "Leave them Blue, it's not like we haven't done some-" blurred mouth, noise "- up – "same again "- ourselves."

Deliah: Scowls a minute and then hangs limp.

Quinn: Slowly releases her grip on Deliah, allowing her to stand up.

Deliah: Leaves.

Syn: Waits until Deliah left before asking "So, Earth. Maybe I heard wrong, but your part of earth has no poverty, no war, I mean, before Darth Krayt decided to try to kill you three, any of you three ever seen a fight, let alone been in one?"

Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany: Look at each other, and then shake their heads.

Syn: "I see ... I don't know if that should make me feel better about myself for being a product of a worse environment or despair at sentients in general that it takes practically nothing to make you three do something like that." Walks off.

Quinn and Stacy: Look sadly at each other.

Tiffany: Goes back to looking bred and filing her nails.

Quinn: "To your credit Stacy, you were bothered by what we were doing."

Stacy: "Yeah, there's that ... " not looking any more cheerful.

Quinn and Stacy: look at Tiffany.

Tiffany: Glances at them. Then looks at them for longer asking "Whaaaaaaaaat?"

Quinn and Stacy: "Nothing," shrug, get up and walk off.

Scene: Another part of the Mynock, Syn is stood there looking at the camera.

Cameraman: "When you said you and Deliah were a product of your environment-"

Syn: "yeah. ... Cade, Deliah and me used to work for Rav, a Feeorin pirate. I grew up with me dad on Rav's ship, going around looting worlds. That was just normal to me. Cade, we picked him up on our way to Ossus, a world that had a Jedi temple on it. Imps had just killed the Jedi there, we had no idea Cade was a Jedi or at that point I'd have killed him."

Cameraman: "Why?"

Syn: "A Jedi had killed my dad."

Cameraman: "What did he do that for?"

Syn: "Initially I didn't care, I only saw the fight part way in, there was a load of dead miners, me dad and Rav were fighting this Cathar Jedi, Rav lost a leg, me dad was cut in half, we took off, Jedi was still fighting Rav on the boarding ramp, Rav got a shot in and the Jedi fell off the ramp, told me this story of how Jedi steal children, kill Pirates without mercy. I had also been told it was a trade mission we were on. ... Years later, I actually meet the Jedi, his name's Rasi Tuum, I got into a fight with him, he managed to restrain me and we got talking. He reminded me of some points I had completely ignored. ... Including the woman we had abducted on the raid, begging we not hurt her. ... Just saw my dad killed, anything else was pretty much out of view."

Cameraman: "Have you left Rav's organisation since this revelation?"

Syn: "Left Rav long before that actually. We still had dealings with Rav, but as independent bounty hunters. We captured a Jedi. At that point I was still unaware that Cade was Jedi, or ex-jedi. That Ossus battle had really –" Blur and noise "- him up. He quickly started doing death sticks. Some point after we picked up the imp princess it was revealed to me that Cade was a Jedi, and he knew I hated them. Asked if I was going to turn him in or something. Ended up not doing that for some reason. Then Rav found out Cade was Jedi and shopped Deliah and me to the Sith. Some kind of plot to get Cade to turn Sith."

Cameraman: "Did you get him out before that happened or did you have to ... cure him ... ?"

Syn: "We got him out. They had eventually decided it wasn't happening, by that point with Morrigan Corde's help, we had a deliberate attack worked out and we got him out."

Cameraman: "Morrigan Corde?"

Syn: "Cade's mum."

Cameraman: "Right."

Scene: Deliah's room, Deliah's sat on her bed.

Cameraman: "So, how did you come to be in Cade's crew?"

Deliah: "Chance encounter. Cade hired me as his chief engineer and I proved myself and I've been with him ever since."

Cameraman: "What about before?"

Deliah: Subtly scowls as she thinks through her response. " ... scam artist. Mostly pan handling ... Basically cheating people out of money with lies, histrionics ... It's kind of a prostitution without sexual intercourse, and yet it feels in retrospect beyond disgusting."

Scene: Flight deck, Cade's operating the helm.

Cameraman: "So you went from padawan learner to pirate in about a minute."

Cade: "Beat dying."

Cameraman: "How did that affect you?"

Cade: "Hmm ... ... How did looking the bombed out temple, walking over dead friends and relatives, pretending not to care, laughing along with Rav's gloating 'where's their ally, the force now?' while carrying anything even slightly valuable onto the Crimson Axe feel? ... Hard to put a finger on that one." Pauses. "I want to say ... aroused, but ... hmm ... I'll go with sick every time I saw my own reflection for months to come."

Cameraman: "Crimson Axe?"

Cade: "Rav's ship."

Cameraman: "Right."

Cade: "Didn't get any better when my new best pateesa Jariah Syn revealed how much he hated Jedi, the only good Jedi's a dead Jedi. ... He does seem to have mellowed since we visited the hidden temple. ... probably because he's seen what the other side, the Sith are like. ... Think he had knocked out Mai while we were there, but neither of them raised it, all I know is Mia had this bruise on her cheek around a small horn there and Jaria had a gash on the back of his hand, bruise matched his knuckles. There seemed to be awkward looks between them. ... I don't know what to make of that."

Cameraman: "How did you cope with your ... years was it?"

Cade: "Years working under Rav. ... I'd say death sticks, but that ain't coping, that's just getting stoned. ... Thing that really made me stop was when this imperial princess and one of the imperial missionaries showed up, begging a ride out of the world we were on, Lok, I was in the process of telling them to –" blur, noise "- off when I saw Darth Talon on her swoop bike, chasing them. ... It changed my attitude a full pi radians like that," snaps his fingers, "I agreed to transport them and told Syn and Blue I was scamming them to get them to cough up a hefty fare and then shop them out, unsure what I would have told them when I got the princess to safety. Good thing Shado Vao and Wolf Salzen were there to meet us on Vendrexa. Those two being Jedi, gave me the perfect excuse to declare the scam a lost cause and leave the princess there. Only the Jedi's ship blew up and we found Darth Talon had followed us, she first tries to kill us with a stampede of some native really big quadrupeds and we ended up in a fight. Ultimately I ended it using force telekinesis to bat her into the rough with a piece of wreckage. Led to an awkward conversation with Jariah later."

Scene: Lawndale Airport, an imperial shuttle is landing, Hillary Clinton and the people that were with her in that situation room are stood outside along with some police and armed forces officers.

Voiceover: "On earth, the imperial knights have arrived."

Scene: right in with Hillary and friends, the access ramp lowers and three imperial knights step out.

Imperial Knight 1: "Hillary Clinton?"

Hillary: "That's me. Welcome to earth."

Imperial Knight 1 "Thanks. I'm Antares Draco," points to another behind him, "Ganner Krieg," points to a third behind him, "Azlyn Rae." He then says "I can feel the Sith through the force."

Hillary: "Good. There's a helicopter over there," pointing off to the side, camera pans to where she's pointing, a police Hughes 500 with it's rear and front passenger door open, powered up, camera pans back again, "if you can sense where the Sith are, they can take you there, we will also be directing helicopter gunships to assist."

Anteres: "Thank you." Hesitates before asking "Err ... how come your president isn't running things on your end?"

Hillary: "He's busy trying to get his education bill through."

Scene: Congress, Obama's addressing the house with a series of bills on the podium, C-SPAN logo and other stuff overlaid.

Obama: holds up a bill "Five months ago, bill to restrict access to Hydrogen Hydroxide, both houses approved it, I had to veto it," picks up another "Four months ago, bill to restrict access to dihydrogen monoxide, both houses approved it, I had to veto that one too," picks up a third "bill to ban Universal Solvent, both houses, etcetera. ONE OF THESE A MONTH LAND ON MY DESK! ... MESS WITH SUCCESS? WHAT SUCCESS?"

Scene: As before the C-SPAN footage.

Anteres: "Okay, best get on it then," leads his knights to the waiting helicopter.

Scene: The conference room again, Hillary and friends sat in front o their devices.

Anteres: Over the comm. "Okay, I'm now sensing mass terror in this large building, a mall, the three Sith are apparently attacking people at random."

Lawndale Police Borough Commander: Answers his phone and says "Thanks," to the others "people are phoning it in, we're sending units to set up a cordon now."

Hillary: Nods.

Anteres: "Right, we're arriving over the mall, inserting now."

Helicopter pilot: "Hey, what-" noise "-you doing?"

Hillary: "What's going on?"

Helicopter pilot: "They just jumped out, hundred foot drop."

Hillary: "What?"

Anteres: "We're fine, force telekinesis, we're getting a look inside ... No dead people visible. ... Fear's fading."

Minigun outside somewhere: Fires.

Hillary: "What? ... "

Some ranger: "They're here, they Sith are on dirt bikes, they got their sabres out, they're intercepting the bullets with their sabres."

Anteres: "We're on our way, -" noise "-ing Sith, used force alter to create an emotional decoy."

Some ranger: "They're headed for the spacecraft."

Anteres: "Let them board and then destroy it, we can order in another."

Hillary: "Agreed."

Some Ranger: "Right, check fire, stand by with TOWS."

TOW Operator 1: "Hotel five, Judy."

TOW operator 2: "Hotel eight, Judy."

TOW operator 3: "Hotel one five, Judy."

Some Ranger: "Good, Stand by stand by ... fire. ... ... -" noise "-ing -" noise.

Tow missiles: go through the top half of the conference room's window throwing glass shards across the room shallowly cutting everyone, making it through the dry wall before striking something substantial enough to trigger the impact fuze, blowing down the tiles from the suspended ceiling, filling the room with strands of mineral fibre and gypsum dust, oddly not shattering the 400mm tubes in the suspended ceiling lamps.

Hillary: lifting a load of mineral wool insulation off her shoulders "I'm so going off these Sith."

Some Ranger: "Secstate, hotel zero one alpha, state condition, over."

Hillary: "I'm good, just-"

Loud bang, a wall of mist is seen through the window rushing away from the airport.

Hillary: blurred mouth, noise.

Some ranger: depressed sounding "all callsigns stand down."

Hillary: "Can you tell which one turned our missiles back?"

Some ranger: "The wormhead. -" noise "-ing camel toed us after."

Anteres: "Camel toed?"

Some Ranger: "in northern Africa there's camels, used as a beast of burden, it's feet have these two toes, crevice between them resembles a woman's minge, therefore the term camel toe is used to describe the appearance of trousers or panties riding up into her vestibule."

Hillary: "Did it occur to you the Sith might try something like this?"

Anteres: "No. What are, perfect?"

Hillary: Slams her fists into the table, sitting tense for a while before slumping into her chair. Noise, blurred mouth "-ing aliens." Lifts her right hand noting a shard of glass now lodged in the outer edge of her palm. Sighs.

Scene: Morgendorffer house lounge, the Fashion Club are sat watching the TV, well, sort of, Stacy and Tiffany sat either side of Sandi are arguing across her using force persuasion to make Sandi agree with each of them in turn.

Subtitles: "Next: Drugs inc. Ixatel Cilona"

Voiceover: "A week later and things are more or less back to normal."

Subtitles: fade.

Stacy: waving at Sandi "But Sith tattoos are not fashionable."

Sandi: addresses Tiffany "Sith tattoos are not fashionable."

Tiffany: waves at Sandi "Siiiiiithhhhhh Tatooooos arrrrrre faaaashiiiionnnnaaaabllllllle."

Sandi: addresses Stacy "Sith tattoos are fashionable."

Stacy: Sighs in disgust and waves at Sandi "they are not fashionable, they are awarded for kills, and not justifiable ones."

Sandi: "they are not fashionable, they are awarded for kills, and not justifiable ones."

Tiffany: "killllinnnng wiiiithouuuuuut hassss annnnn auraaaaaaa offffff innnniiiiitiiiiaaaatiiiiiive, it'ssssss bolllllllld."

Sandi: "Killing without justification has an aura of initiative, it's bold."

All three: Perk up and look to the stairs.

Quinn: concerned, standing up "I, think, she, just, found out what we did on Corouscant."

Stacy and Tiffany: stand up.

Daria: comes down stairs and stalks up to Quinn.

Quinn and Stacy: Wave at Daria saying "anger solves nothing."

Tiffany: waves at Daria "giiiiiive innnnn tooooo-"

Daria: Right hooks Quinn across her left cheek with an audible crack.

Tiffany: continuing as before "-oo yourrrrrrrr annnnn-"

Daria glares at Tiffany "Shut it, psycho." Looks down at Quinn about to say something. Eventually decides to return to her room.

Tiffany: shivers in arousal, grinning maniacally.

Stacy: helps Quinn up "You all right Quinn?"

Quinn: "Yeah. God, how thickly am I going to be applying the foundation for this bruise?"

Scene: Daria's room. Daria is stood in front of her desk looking well annoyed.

Cameraman: "Why did you hit Quinn?"

Daria: clenching and unclenching her fists "She's my sister, she's not as thick as she acts, she should –" noise, blurring "-ing well know better than to participate in a –" noise, blurring "-ing crime against sentients. I found out about this on an Amnesty website, nowadays, since Krayt's death, we've had so much information come out about the history of the republic. I generally don't consider Amnesty prone to hoaxes, but I decided to search around a bit to try to disprove this. ... This is for real. What's more, Republic and the empire want Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany to appear in their courts."

Cameraman: "Do you think that will happen?"

Daria: Sighs "I don't know. It's more likely in this case than with, say, Iraq or Afghanistan."

Cameraman: "Because of the relative military strength?"

Daria: "Partly. It's also that these interstellar powers have tech our government wants, and I mean really, really wants. This would be the first time that the United States has had to deal with a power with such greatly more advanced technology and such overwhelming military capabilities, previously the only powers that came close were the Russian Federation and the People's Republic Of China."

Cameraman: "So you think the United States will grant extradition in this case for political reasons?"

Daria: "I seriously hope I'm wrong in this case, but to be honest there have been cases where our military have been implicated in crimes and the cases whitewashed, or where our top levels of government have ordered actions that deserve at least a custodial. ... Quinn doesn't have the kind of political connections to be worth fighting over from our government's perspective. She's not a soldier, so there's no morale issue, she's no politician, so there's no blackmail material she has she can threaten to unleash ... She's family, but she shouldn't have done that... I hate this. She's a war criminal, but she's my sister, I mean, which should I consider more important?"

Scene: Quinn's room, Quinn sat in front of her mirror applying foundation to the now developed bruise.

Quinn: "I genuinely thought it was the right thing to do. If the US government does it, I mean ... why would it be legal for our government to do it and not some other government, and yes, retrospectively, I realise it was for an evil cause, but really, what in the hell am I supposed to do now?"

Cameraman: "What do you consider to be your options?"

Quinn: "Well, I suppose I could claim I was unable to determine that what I was doing was for the wrong reasons. ... How do the people at Guantanamo get legally covered?"

Cameraman: "because they know where anyone capable of charging them lives and what they did last summer?"

Quinn: Looks at the cameraman for a bunch of long seconds.

Scene: A dark dank room somewhere. Darth Maladi, Darth Talon, Darth Krayt and a blue female Chagrian are sat on piles of bricks around a knee high table of corrugated glass reinforced concrete, rain can be heard in the background.

Voiceover: "at the same time, we have received a video from the Sith participants in the program."

Darth Krayt: "Okay, so, we're on the run ... obviously ... and though in exile, we're still a government. So, to get back our rightful role as galactic rulers, we're maintaining some amount of structure in our organisation. As an experienced warlord, that's what I did before joining up with Darth Krayt, I seemed most suitable for leader, Darth Talon's our attack secretary, trains and organises our armed forces, Darth Maladi, same as before, intel and research, and," indicates the blue Chagrian "this is Saarai, daughter of Darth Wyyrlok the third. She's our lore master, that is our historian. ... Now, there's not much we can tell you without potentially compromising our ability to win back our rightful place in the universe, but the Sith have been worse off before, and they overcame, so can we, I mean ... how hard can it be? ... Well, hope this release serves you well, and on that bomb shell we must end, goodnight."

Scene: Lawndale High Football Pitch, Lawndale Lions are training in their new uniforms which are now red with black markings to mimic the Sith tattoos.

Voiceover: "another change that has since arisen is that Tiffany Blum Deckler has been put in charge of school decor and style."

Mack: Walks into view, holding up the helmet, looking like he wants to say something, but eventually sighs and continues off the other side of the scene.

Scene: The bleachers, Tiffany Blum Deckler with a laptop and a lever arch binder full of pictures.

Tiffany: "Nowwwwww the schoooooollll looooooooksssss fierrrrrrrrrce annnnnd willllllll innnnntiiiiiimiiiiidaaaaaate throooooooooughhhh theeeeeeeeese Siiiiiiithhhhhhh marrrrrrrrkinnnnnngsssssss."

Cameraman: "Are you not concerned about the Empire and the Republic wanting to do you for war crimes?"

Tiffany: grins, "Lllllet themmmmmm commmmmmme."

End.