Hello again! Do not own, don't sue me. Also, I had to rewrite half of this because the file was all like 'Aw, yeah! We've saved, we got this!' and then didn't, so sorry if the last half is shit!
"Can you go through it one more time?" That loud bang you just heard was my head making contact with the wooden table. Why is he so stupid?!
"This is the last time, Trevo! This," I say slowly, gesturing to the lemon on the table. "Is Baby Artie. These are me, you and David." I grin, pointing at a strawberry, an ugli fruit and a cherry. "Now, the plan is-"
"Why am I the ugli fruit?" Trevo asked. I'm going to feed him Artie's cooking in a minute!
"Because your face offend my eyes, moving on!" I laugh. He is quite ugly. He sorta looks like the fruit actually. All mis-shaped and yellow and scaly.
"Why do you get to be the strawberry!"
"Because Strawberries are the supreme ruler on the fruit awesomeness scale! If it isn't too much trouble, could I please continue?!" I said, all politely. He just nodded over enthusiastically. Idiot.
"Right! Now, we quietly drive over to Artie's house, David knocks on the door and distracts him because he hates David the least. I climb in through his kitchen window, run to his room, aquire the items we need. Then, I run down his stairs, out of the front door, grabbing David in the process, then we get back in the car and drive like hell until we get home. Any questions?!" If there's even one question, I will feed him Artie's cooking, and I'm not even lying. I'm serious. Like Gary Oldman, but not as, you know, magical.
"What part do I play in the heist?!"
"You sit in the car... guarding it."
"Yay! I'm helping!" *facepalm* He's such an idiot.
"And I told you, it's not called 'the Heist'. It's called Operation Trojan, because we're hardcore, like a horse." Horses are pretty hardcore, trotting around their fields, not taking any crap from anyone.
"Slice my starry eye, light his coat in Turpentine. Kill the bitch who bats an eye, at Elvis. When I feel your velvet, I can't he-"
"Oh, my phone!" Trevo screamed, jump-tackling the couch like it just insulted our mum. What the actual hell is his ringtone?! It could be something awesome like Lonely Island, but he has a chick singing about Elvis.
"FOUND IT! Hello, Trevo here! Who is i- Oh, it's you. No, I don't know where he is. No, I don't know if he's with the suspicious looking one with the long hair. No, he isn't here! No, don't come ove- Turn that chainsaw off! You wish what on my house? Death, oh okay. I wish death on you too! Wait, what did you just call me?! I'm a lying WHAT?! Oh, Guinness bastard, that's what I thought you said. Anyway, how've you been! It's been too long! Yeah. Yeah. Well, I understand that you love him. I know! She said what?! That bitch! It'll be Okay! I've got family issues at the moment, but I'll be over as soon as possible! Stop- I know, stop crying sweetie! I've got to go now! Da Pabacennia, Natalya!" Raising an eyebrow at the dangerous friendship thing that Trevo and that crazy bitch have got going on, I left the room to look for David.
"Give it to me baby, Uh Huh, Uh Huh, and all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy!"
"Alright Tom Jones, shut your mouth, Trojan is ready for activation." I laugh, handing him those walkie-talkies I mentioned before. Did I not mention them? Well, when I left Trevo, I picked them up from the kitchen drawer.
"Trojan? Oh the horse thing! Let's roll."
-WILDTIMEJUMP-
Rolling up to Artie's crib like a boss in our awesome wheels! Okay, it's a hot pink Mini that we borrowed from Feliks, but it gets us from H to E. Get it? Home to England!
"Right. David, go and distract him, I'm going to find his kitchen window." I say, throwing a walkie-talkie at his head.
"You Scottish fucker, that hurt! Anyway, how do I distract him?" He cried, rubbing his head. Baby. I could have gone all Mortal Kombat on his arse and been like 'FATALITY' as I slamdunked it into his face. But NO! I gently passed it to his head. I'm too nice to these arseholes.
"Get naked and do Gangham Style, DO I HAVE TO THINK OF EVERYTHING?!" I patted David's head before I got out of the car.
"Now Trevo, there's a Capri Sun and a fun size bag of Haribo Starmix in the Glove Compartment. The instuctions on how to open the Glove Compartment are in the Compartments on your door. I'm taking the cigarette lighter so you don't burn yourself. If you see a live wire, don't lick it. Don't lock the doors and the most important rule is that you do not leave the car. Okay?" He nodded, so I ran to the back of Artie's house and pressed the speaky button.
"Nessie to Firestarter. Nessie to Firestarter. FIRESTARTER! CAN YOU HEAR ME! ARE YOUR EARS BROKEN!"
"Wait, why am I Firestarter?!"
"Well, when you got drunk this one time, Feliks brought over some scented candles, and David wanted to play with fire!"
"So? They were pretty to look at!"
"You burned your house down. Do you remember the hot, burning flamey thing, the firemen you tried to hit on! You know, the ones you set fire to the house for just so you could have sexy flirty times with them?!"
"Firestarter here, Nessie! When should I knock?!" I looked around Artie's back garden to find something smashy. What! Baby Brother doesn't have a window that I can climb through! Picking up a deck chair, I pressed the speaky button.
"Firestarter, this is Nessie. I've found entry, give the horse to the Greeks!" I waited until I heard Arthur scream at David before I threw the deck chair through the window. Being careful not to cut myself, I climbed into Artie's kitchen. What?! Glass cuts hurt, you know!
Having located his stairs using the zoom tool on Google Earth, I ran up them quietly and found Arthur's bedroom.
"Now, if I was an boring old man, where would I keep my stash?" I thought aloud. Scanning the room, I saw a bookshelf against the far wall. Kicking bags of Wethers Originals out of the way as I made my way over, I located the item I was looking for, tucked it into my coat in true criminal fashion, and turned to leave the room. Pausing to take a breath, I ran out of his room, only to fall down the stairs.
"SHIT! RUN DAVID!" I yelled, jumping up to leave. I limp-ran out of his house, grabbing David in the process.
"ROBERT! WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK! WHY WERE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!" Ignoring the ever aggressive Arthur, we ran to the pink car waiting for us.
"DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!" I shouted at David after we jumped into the car.
"Did you get it?!" David asked after 10 minutes of frantic, 37-over-the-limit reckless driving.
"Do you doubt your Big Brother's awesomeness?!" I laughed, pulling the item out of my jacket, stroking the case almost borderline psychotic as I stared lovingly at the case.
"Great! I haven't seen Pretty Woman in years!"
Now, you maybe wondering why we went to all this trouble for a DVD when I could just buy it, or taking a more illegal path, download it.
Where's the fun in either of those?!
AND!..
Have you seen Pretty Woman?! That film is awesome! She stops being a prostitute because she loves Richard Gere! Oh, spoilers!
We've got popcorn, alcohol and a good manly film.
Tonight's gonna be a good night.