First of I'd like to thank all the people who read, favourite and reviewed my other fic. Means a lot to me (gives everybody a cyber space hug)
In all honesty I have no idea what gave birth to this idea, but if it gives you a chuckle it was worth it. And this is crack, so the characters will be OOC
And lastly, I'm not English so I have trouble to describe things, so I use a lot of dialogue. And besides, this is – we have to use our imagination.
Disclaimer: Never mind owning the Avengers, I wish I could be one. But alas, I do not and I am not
"Steve, it's staring at me."
"It has a name." "It" has now stopped staring, and was now glaring at him.
"Jeez, how's it even possible for 4 year-old to glare?"
"How's it possible that there is a group dedicated to saving the world that consists of a man with an arc reactor for a heart; a man who has been enhanced to the peak of human performance; a man who unleashes a monster when he's angry; 2 assassins who quite frankly are the most terrifying people I have ever met….and wait for it – a god."
"Well, when you put it like that –it makes sense. But I still don't understand why we have to look after him? Surely there are people better equipped at this sort of thing than us."
"There most definitely is – but remember what Natasha said." When Jarvis alerted Tony that Natasha requested his presence in the kitchen immediately, he never in a million years expected the scene he found there. When he walked in, he found Natasha rocking a small boy, the little boy's head buried in her red curls, while she was whispering furiously with Steve. When Tony tried to make some sarcastic comment about how they could not have any more kids, because they were still busy raising Steve and Thor, Natasha practically growled at him. But before she could do any bodily harm, Steve gently steered Tony out of the room and explained the situation. Apparently, Clint and Natasha were sent on a mission to infiltrate some HYDRA base that popped up on SHIELD's radar. The base was apparently one that specialised in creating all kinds of serums… whether it was speed, growth or de-aging. Yep, Tony heard correctly. When Clint and Natasha were discovered trying to blast the base to Asgard, a fight of epic proportions started. Naturally, they kicked HYDRA's asses, but in the ensuing fight, Clint got pushed into a glass case containing some light green vials. Natasha knowing that Clint has been pushed into a lot more dangerous contraptions, left him to his own devices. When she later heard no cursing or battle cries she looks toward where she last saw he partner and found a small boy sleeping through the end of the world. Quickly realising what has happened, she grabbed the small boy and the remaining vials and fought through the remaining agents. To make a long story short, Clint has to stay with the male Avengers because somewhere deep down in his conscious he knows who he is. There for he knows that they only people he really trust are the Avengers (Tony personally thinks this is bullshit. He just assumes that SHIED is terrified of kid Clint because apparently when he woke up he knocked a doctor out with a teddy bear.) Tony, Steve, Thor and Bruce were to deal with the de aged Clint while Natasha hunts down the bastards responsible for this in order to find a cure (and come on, let's be honest since this is Natasha were speaking about, she'll probably solve the Syrian crisis on the way)
"Come on Tony, at least Clint is at a manageable stage. What's the worst that could happen?"
Famous last words.
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He really needed to get out of his lab more, Bruce thought as he rode the elevators to the kitchen. At this pace, he'll die of starvation long before any of his teammates come looking for him. They respected him enough to leave him unsupervised for long periods of time, unlike some other scientist in this team. He contemplated on what he was going to make for lunch as he exited the elevator, when he stopped dead in his tracks. Steve was standing there looking at the ceiling, legs spread apart, hands on his hips and Thor was next to him also staring at the ceiling. With trepidation, Bruce crept forward to stand next to Steve and when he looked up he felt his jaw hit the ground. Clint was sitting on the chandelier…the very shiny, expensive and high up in the ceiling chandelier.
'"Wh…wha…how?" Steve didn't even spare him a glance.
"It was Thor's turn to entertain Clint, so he thought it would be a great idea to 'make believe'."
"Make believe?"
"Yeah, you know. That game you play when you are children - you pretend to be something you're not. Clint pretended to be a superhero-"
"Well, technically speaking Clint is a superhero, he-"
"They pretended he was a superhero who could fly."
"Oh"
"So Thor threw Clint into the air repeatedly and caught him when he fell. This delighted Clint who kept on shouting higher, higher. And you know how Thor can't say no to little children. So one thing led to another – Thor threw Clint to such a height that he was at the same level as the chandelier, so instead of falling down and letting Thor catch him, Clint grabbed the chandelier and has been sitting there for the past 10 minutes. We've been thinking of a way of getting him down ever since."
"Why don't you just fly up and get him?"The question was directed at Thor. Steve face lit up as if it were Christmas. "Can you do that?"
"I shall not fail you in this quest, my comrades." As he said this, he spun his hammer in the air and leapt. But what a genius and a super soldier forgot, was the fact that Thor never did anything by half. So when he leapt he kind of missed the chandelier by a meter and went straight through the ceiling. Bruce and Steve dove out of the way of the falling debris, while poor Clint clung to the chandelier for dear life. When the dust finally settled, Bruce and Steve looked at Clint who was busy looking at the Thor shaped hole in the ceiling with what can only be described as the "I'm-about-to-do-something-so-crazy-that-it-will-impregnate-women-all-over-the=world-with-its-sheer-awesomeness-while-I-give-the-rest-of-my-team-a-cardaic-arrest -expression( Tony's words, not his)
"Clinton Francis Barton! Don't you dare try to jump through that hole!" His plea fell on deaf ears; Clint shimmied up the chandelier like Tarzan did with the roots of trees in the jungle and before Steve could give another warning, Clint leapt at the hole. Some higher force (probably Thor's father) must have been watching over them because Clint rather that impaling himself on something, landed on the roof. The roof where none of them currently were. Steve gave a few curses that would have made many grown men blush and Tony whoop for joy. He jumped up and took the stairs which led to the roof seven at a time. Bruce on the other hand slowly stood up, dusted himself and vowed there and then to spend more time in his lab
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While the highly pregnant cashier was ringing up Bruce's items, he felt more than saw Clint staring at the woman. The woman must have felt it too, because she looked up at Clint. Clint continued to stare at her, until the woman cleared her throat awkwardly. "Why is your tummy so big?" Bruce felt his eyes go plate size and before he even could begin to apologize, the woman whom apparently was glad to find the reason why Clint was staring at her, laughed and replied: "There's a baby boy growing inside of me."
"A baby boy?"
"Yeah, and he's going to grow up to be a strong and beautiful man, just like you."
"Do you love him?" That question threw both of them for a loop.
"Yes, with my entire being."
"Then why did you eat him?"
Bruce and Tony later would deny that when Bruce told Tony the story, Tony choked on his Whiskey laughing so hard. And when Bruce realized Tony wasn't breathing he Hulked-out in sheer panic.
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"Steve?" Steve lying on his bed and sketching the Avengers latest escapade, turned towards the small voice. Clint stood in the doorway of his room, a pen and paper in his small hand.
"What can I do for you, Clint?"
"Tony gave me some math homework. I wanted to finish it in his lab, but the music was too loud. Thor is trying to 'save the fair maiden from the box of enchantment'; Bruce is trying to explain to him exactly what a TV is. So…I just want to be with someone in case I get stuck. Do you mind?"
"Of course not" Steve replied as he made some room for Clint on his bed. As soon as Clint was on his bed he started with his math immediately and Steve was lost in his painting. A tug at his sleeve brought him back to the present, he glanced to his left were Clint was watching him with a piece of paper in his hands.
"You stuck?"
"Yeah, what is twelve plus twelve?"
"Twenty-four."
"Thank you." Steve smiled at the young boy and was about to return to his painting when Clint said something that made Steve dropped his pencil in sheer shock.
"Twelve plus twelve the son of a bitch equals twenty four."
"Clint! How dare you speak like that?" Clint looked startled as Steve loomed over him.
"Th…this is how Tony taught me math." When Clint said the word Tony, Steve grabbed him, his math homework and walked briskly toward the vicinity of Tony's lab. (It should be noted that Steve's brisk walk were some peoples flat out run.)
"Jarvis, warn Tony that I'm on my way. And please don't try to lock me out; you know that I can break down the door."
"I shall do as you request, Captain" When Steve arrived at Tony's lab, he stood there with goggles on his head and a welding torch in his hand, almost brandishing it as a weapon.
"How dare you try and corrupt this poor child? Isn't it enough that you're trying to do that to me?"
"I'm not sure what you are talking about? All I did was teach him math."
"Does math contain swear words? Clint, tell him what you told me."
"Twelve plus twelve equals twenty four."
"No, no the entire mantra, Clint."
"Twelve plus twelve the son of a bitch equals twenty four." Steve shot Tony a startled look as the man burst out laughing, scared that all the alcohol and caffeine finally damaged his brain beyond all repair. When Tony's laughter finally subsided, Steve asked him what is so funny.
"I taught him math by saying twelve plus twelve the sum of which is…"
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"Noooooooo, I don't wanna! You can't make me!"
"Technically we can, since we are stronger and far taller that you are." Tony replied as he held Clint at arm's length in order not get kicked in the chest by the young archer.
"Young Clint when I was a young warrior I also did not wish to bathe but thrust me when I say this- young maidens love nothing more than a clean man. Why just the other day my beloved Jane told me that-"
"Ah, look we have arrived at the bathroom." Tony quickly said in order to stop Thor from scaring both of them for life.
Down the hall, Steve watched with trepidation as Tony and Thor entered the bathroom. When nothing bad happened the few minutes that followed, Steve turned around to go back to the living room when all hell broke loose. His first warning was the shout-
"BY ODIN'S BEARD!" Several crashes followed the shout and then the bathroom door flew open and a very naked Clint came running out followed by a very wet Tony "Get back here you over grown budgie! I will feed you to my cats."
"You don't have any!"
"I will buy them!"
"Pepper won't let you! And the rest of the banter was lost to Steve's ears as they disappeared around the corner. Steve walked to the bathroom, worried because Thor hasn't reappeared. When he poked his head in the bathroom, he found Thor submerged to his neck in bubbles.
"Friend Steve?"
"Yes Thor?"
"I have made a keen observation."
"And what is it?
"We should appreciate our hawk, because the day he decides to switch sides, the civilisation shall fall and Midgard will be no more."
"Duly noted."
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"Are you watching an award show?" Bruce turned his head to Tony's voice him and found him staring at him with a sleepy Clint propped up on his hip. The young boy's Iron Man pyjamas were visible because of Tony's arc reactor.
"Yeah?"
"Are you enjoying it?"
"There is nothing else on."
"Is that why you are scowling?"
"Probably. I'm also disappointed that this one show managed to win a Tony. In comparison to some of the other shows it feels like they just gave a grade 5 school project a Nobel Prize instead of well…scientists." Bruce was about to continue on his rant when a sleepy voice interrupted him.
"It's OK Bruce, they can keep their disappointing Tony. We at least have the awesome one." Clint emphasized this statement by patting Tony on the chest, and promptly fell asleep on his shoulder.
"Bruce, can you look after Clint for 5 minutes, I'm just going to go buy him Disneyland."
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When Natasha returned to Stark Tower a week after Clint was turned into a 4 year old with cure and all, she expected a different kind of reaction. She expected the men to be sad to lose Clint and in all honesty she expected Tony to try and bribe her in order to keep Clint at least a few more days. She never expected Tony to practically throw Clint at her and scream:"Take him away! AWAY I TELL YOU!"
Sooooo….how was it? I'm really quite nervous about this one