A\N: An outrageously random oneshot about how Edward is a freak who wears bras. DON'T READ IF YOUR ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO "LOVES" THIS WEIRDO! In Esme's POV until otherwise specified.
Edward's Underwear Obsession
I walked up the steps to Edward's room, laundry basket in hand to collect the week's likely neatly folded array of clothes that needed a washing. My son, as unsocial as he was, was not occupying his abode at the time, and was out trekking uselessly through the woods with Bella. I had always wondered what he saw in her-I mean, well, she's a perfectly nice girl and all, but seemed to lack...emotion. She always wore the same expression on her face day in and day out: her eyes half-closed and her mouth parted just enough to give her a seemingly innocent look. In all honestly, me AND my husband believe she is always on something. Always high in some sort of way. Who knew what she could be doing to my poor Edward at that very moment! Who knew how he was taking it! Who knew what hell she was bringing upon his sweet, childlike soul! Oh well, anything to make the boy happy.
As I strolled around Edward's room, picking up a sock here and a shirt there-he must be in love...oh that unfortunate child-I turned to his drawers when I had only filled up the basket halfway. Surely he had somewhere that he had been putting his dirty garments. I rummaged through them a moment, finding nothing out of the ordinary, until I happened to look in the very back of the drawer. And I saw...
"ROSALIE!" I screamed, rushing to my daughter's room, which she thankfully was in. The blond girl looked at me like I was a living horror movie, seemingly appalled at my very expression. But then I realized that she wasn't staring at my face, but rather what I held in my hand.
"Yes, mother?" She replied politely, yet somewhat snootily.
"What is this?" I demanded holding up what I held.
"Um...a bra?"
"Well, I'm returning it to you." I threw it to the floor of her room, and she eyed me in a funny way.
She said, "Thank you, but...it's not mine."
"Not yours?"
"Must you always repeat everything I say?" Rosalie raged suddenly. "Good God, mother, you're like, so annoying!" Her face was red from effort. "I told you it isn't mine, so go put it in Alice's room and leave me the frick alone!"
I left her in a hurry and went strait to my other daughter's room. Alice sat in a chair reading a book, legs crossed in a relaxed manner. For a moment, I wondered if she even knew that I was there, but after a few seconds she finished the page she was on and looked up.
"Need I ask what that was about?" Alice asked, quiet.
"I found a...well, more than a few bras at the back of Edward's drawers...I must have put them in there by mistake or something awhile ago. Is this yours?" I let her take a look at it.
She shook her head. "No."
My face fell.
"Don't worry though," she continued knowingly, "it most likely belongs to Bella. You know...with her coming here so much, she needs a place to keep things." With that said, Alice dropped her gaze back to her book. I sighed. Of course, that had to be it.
Well, I could live peacefully from then on.
...
(Location: Mall, POV: Edward)
I stood in front of the full body length mirror, turning this way and that in attempts to get good lighting. The store was relatively empty, and the only witnesses to my presence were a teenage female employee and a middle aged woman. Kenny G's 'Songbird' played wistfully in the background.
"Hm..." I mused under my breath, and then muttered in an even quieter undertone, "Note to self: 36C will not make the cut..." Removing the large undergarment from my chest I absentmindedly threw it behind me. Unfortunately, it hit the poor middle aged woman who just happened to be standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.
"Hey! Watch it!" She snapped irritably. "And put on a shirt! You're in the middle of a public place for goodness sake! What do you think this is, girl? A nudist camp?"
I turned around. "Excuuuuse me?" I shot back, hands on my hips. "Do I look like a girl to you, lady?"
The middle aged woman stepped out from behind the wrack of bras she had been going through, and I in turn stepped out to meet her. In that very second, that ever popular song "Habanera" from Carmen came on in the background, and I found myself experiencing the overwhelming urge to sing.
...
(Random teenage employee's POV)
An argument between an old lady and a transvestite wannabe seemed like something that should be stopped in my eyes, but as soon as I went to approach the male half of the hostilities, I was taken aback when he opened his mouth and began to sing along with the music playing in the store.
"I'm not a girl,
I am a man,
I like Is-a-bella Swan,
And males with tans.
I like bras!
So what? What's wrong?
They fit me nice,
Be-cause my pecs aren't strong..."
He started to partake in a swaying motion and haphazardly grabbed the nearest bra to him. It was pink and covered with little bows. With his other hand he grabbed another, a sheer white one made of lace.
"Bras with bows,
And bras with lace,
I sport them all,
With a masculine grace."
As if to prove his point he placed them both upon his hairy, shirtless chest and continued to sway and sing.
"And just to warn you,
Do not cross me,
I have a metal bra...
Wanna see?"
He waggled his eyebrows and the middle aged woman took a step back.
"You know some men?
How about ten?"
The middle aged woman joined him in perfect harmony, her words mixing in with his own like they had both been born strait into the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir, "Whyyyyyyy?"
"I need some new friends,
And I need some zen."
"Whyyyyyyyy?"
"Men with bras,
Are very cool,
Unlike chicks..."
"Whyyyyyyyy?"
"...Who have all the rules!"
"Ohhh..."
He took her by the shoulder and lead her through the entire underwear section, singing all the while.
"So why d'you stare?
At poor old me,
You like bras too,
Don't you agree?"
The middle aged woman took her turn with the melody.
"Well yes I do,
But see here son,
You need to stop this,
Even if it's fun!"
"AND IF I DON'T?"
"I think you will,
For men like you,
That have looks that kill..."
"WELL THEN YOUR RIGHT!
I'm hideous,
And if you have sense you won't make a fuss!"
With that said, the weirdo stomped his foot in an abrupt and untimely ending, raised the unpaid for undergarment to his mouth, and ripped a piece out of it with his...were those supposed to be fangs? Well, he tried to at least, but failed miserably, and became so embarrassed he ran from the store with the bra dangling from his mouth - an awkward sight if I ever saw one, not to mention unlawful...
...
(Edward's POV)
I ran through the mall with a heavy heart...
...and a bra stuck on my teeth.
"Stupid good for nothing vampires..." I muttered balefully. "What good are they for besides teenage romance movies anyway?"
I dropped down onto a bench beside a fountain, next to a small boy who stared at me like I was the living dead (as if I haven't received enough of those terrible puns already). I sighed, ready to shoo the lad away, when a splashing sound came from behind me. Immediately, I was on the alert, spinning around at lightning speed. The bra stuck on my teeth flew up and slapped me in the face. It felt like a cloud hovering over a meadow full of wild daisies on a warm day...
But soon the happiness was driven from me, for there, on her hands and knees in the fountain, was Bella. She and I made instantaneous eye contact.
"Oh hi Eddie..." She slurred. Eddie...I thought. I do so like it when she calls me that...Eddie, he he he... "Just dropped my drug case-" She saw the boy beside me and stopped. "I meeeeaaaan...my vitamins into the water and can't find them..." Bella shot me a weird, dazed look. "Why do you have a bra in your mouth?"
In a flash I had ripped it from my teeth with what seemed to be an adrenaline rush and dumped it into the kid's lap. "I was just bestowing upon the young one a gift for his forbearers, Bella love." I replied in a light, sing-songy voice, then turned to the kid. "Go, my boy...be free!"
"Sooo...you gave him a bra for his mother?"
"Yes...however did you guess, love?"
"Well, whenever you talk in that annoying, eloquent voice you're usually trying to hide something...Really Eddie...I thought I knew you better..." With that said Bella submerged into the fountain to find her drugs, and I felt overcome by the emotions that came over me.
"I like to shop,
For bras and stuff.
Because unlike other men I'm not buff.
You mock me now,
But wait and see,
One day perhaps I will wear a 'D'!"
I bolted up from the bench and hopped atop the edge of the fountain. Passers by pretended not to be watching my display; I still had my shirt off you see.
"TODAY'S THE DAY!
I will come clean.
About my obsession,
You know what I mean.
YOU CAN'T STOP ME!
With all my ways!
I'll wear these bras..."
I took a deep breath and prepared for my finish.
"...TILL THE EEEEENNNNNDDD...OF MY DAAAAAYYYSSSS!"
And with my arms outspread I held the note epically, until there came a small voice behind me from the fountain.
"Oh would ya look at that..." I turned and Bella held up her case full of illegal drugs. "They were in my pocket the whole time...haha..."
THE END