Hey, this is my first multichapter fic for Stendan. I love this couple, and I know things look a little bleak at the moment, so I wanted to just try and get inside the minds of the characters and explain what I think is going on inside their heads. I apologise if the characterisation is slightly out though... thanks for reading.

Ste's POV

As I turn on my side, I'm shocked to see the sleeping face of a certain moustached Irishman in front of me. Brendan. It takes a few moments before the memories of the not so distant past come back to me...

Two months ago

ARGH! My head was pounding to a ridiculous speed, like Lucas was hitting his toy drum that Mike got him for Christmas nonstop, probably due to vast amounts of alcohol I practically knocked back last night. Pretending to be happy on the outside, with someone you hope can help you, is rather hard work. As my eyes flicked to my right, I see my boyfriend Noah. But I know he's not the person I want to be with, no matter I try and convince myself that who I really want is not worth it, that our 'thing' was toxic, that he's not here.

Brendan's missing. Disappeared.Why the heck did I have to hit him? Tell Cheryl everything? Why? How stupid could I get?

I hadn't got the chance to go round there, see him, apologise. Try to explain all the mixed up emotions, that I wasn't thinking straight, the stupid flashbacks and Amy blabbering on about being a man, to get even. I knew I couldn't go to the police, they wouldn't believe me; despite the fact I have changed. And I couldn't ever see him on that stand, and watch him struggle with the truth anymore. But what I wanted, to have him hold me, tell me it would all be okay, that he'd forgiven the stupid, unthinkable things I had done. But I just needed a release, of everything that had built up. I guess that's why I did what I did.

Yet, when Cheryl came knocking on my door, and still hadn't been told the truth, part of me was fuming. He loved me, him and I both knew it, despite the fact he had not used the words themselves. So why, just why, could he not tell his sister even a little bit of what made Brendan, Brendan. Another part of me hated lying to her, she was one of the most supportive people I knew, and was one of my best friends. I just felt so guilty, because I'd spent the night with Noah as well.

I told her everything. About Brendan hitting me, about how he despised everything that was gay, including himself. I told her about Macca too. But I begged her not to say anything about me telling her to Brendan, I didn't want him to be hurt more by me. I could no longer deal with the betrayal Cheryl would feel if she found out some other way, if she knew that they had been lying to her months.

After she left, I called Noah, asked him to come over. We spent the day in bed together, just forgetting everything, forgetting the memories. Or trying to at least. At one point, Noah got up to get some water, and as I followed him into the kitchen, I thought I saw a figure outside. But I took it as just my imagination, and turned my attention back to the man in front of me.

I didn't find out what happened when Cheryl confronted her brother, though whatever was said, it must have been explosive. Because late on in the following day, as I was waiting for Amy to return from Mike's with the kids, there was a knock at the door. 'I'm too tired for visitors, I thought and heaved my body weight of the sofa and went to answer it. And I was rather confused to see Pete, Ames' boss, sat waiting to bang his fist on the door once more.

'Amy's not here right now, but I can pass on a message if you want.' I politely said to him.

'It's not Amy I'm looking for, it's you.' Pete replied. What on earth could he want with me, except...

'I'm not with Brendan anymore...' But he interrupted me before I could continue.

'I know that, but I was wondering if you have seen him at all.'

'Not left the flat all day, me, why the heck would I have seen him?' I queried.

'So, if he hasn't been with you, means he must of...' Pete spoke below his voice, but loud enough for me to hear, so I promptly interjected my thoughts into the conversation

'Must of done what?'

'Huh, oh, umm, Brendan's missing. He hasn't been seen since his argument with Cheryl yesterday, and all his things are gone according to Mitzeee.' He drawled out in his thick Irish accent, but it didn't make anything he was saying any less clear, but just prompted the thoughts in my head to go into overdrive.

Brendan's missing. Gone. Disappeared.

And all because of me. If I had just kept my mouth shut, stop the things leaving it before I said anything to anyone. If I hadn't of hit him, then maybe everything would be different, if I had just done things differently. Because now, a man, no, Brendan, was missing. And I couldn't help but feel whatever happened now, would be on my hands.

That was why I had agreed to go for a night out with Noah. To forget everything, to get blind drunk and do stupid things. But even in my intoxicated state, I was starting to see the differences between myself and my new boyfriend. How he had a large social life, lots of friends, whilst I had my select few. He was all about having fun, and I was all about my family, my kids. That was another thing, when Rae was living with him; he had said he didn't like children. Part of me felt, that they would come between us in the future, and I knew exactly who would win out every time.

As I poured the drinks down my throat, I knew deep down that Noah wasn't the man I wanted. Wasn't the man who understood the kids, my life of little trust and a couple of friends. Who understood me.

No, because that man was god only knows where, doing god only knows what. And I just hoped, that one day soon, he would come back.