I thought I would be more excited about this day. It has been a long time coming. The second I meet Brendan I new I was in trouble. It wasn't anything passionate then but there was already this need inside me to be near him. He wasn't nice to me by any means. Actually he punched me in the face. But since that day, Brendan and I have been in a whirlwind sadistic…I don't even know what to call it. A relationship doesn't seem to express what we have, lovers makes it sound as if we only just sleep together. It is so much more complicated than that. What Brendan and I share is an obsession, a craving, a sort of mania that keeps both of us coming back for more, digging through the wreckage trying to find what little of ourselves is left and destroying that part too. I don't want to love him anymore. It kills me to do so because the desire is so powerful. It is strangling me. I find myself begging for death instead.
Since the first time I tried to leave him, back when Brendan hit me for the second time, it has been nothing but destruction. Granted there were the good times too but those were rare and far between. Mostly I became Brendan's personal punching bag. And with every punch, the obsession grew. It's sick, I know it is, but I almost felt an overwhelming need to be punished by him. I had been a very terrible person and every time Brendan hit me, it felt that he was chipping away that person. With every tear I shed, with all the bruises and the blood, the pain I had inflicted was slowing fading away.
After every punch, I would vow to stay away but I couldn't. I knew that I didn't deserve to be hit but I couldn't stay away. It wasn't until Leah asked me about the bruises on me face that I realized that I have to make a change. I don't want me kids growing up thinking that this is okay. I have to break this cycle of violence for them. They need to know that no matter what it is not okay to hit someone. Not even me, the fuck up. I told Brendan that I wouldn't do it anymore, that if he ever hit me again, that was it.
Then it happened again and here I am still, in 'his' club, with only myself to blame.
Moving on from all this, from him should be easier. There is no question in my mind that Brendan will never stop hitting me and if I stick around, I will never stop letting him. After this last time he hit me, I thought that that was it. There was no going back. He told me that he loved me, 'loved me', and then…then he let me down again. There is no coming back from that because he loves me, yet he still hurts me. I have waited this whole time for Brendan to tell me that he loved me. I thought it would change things, but I can now say with certainty that Brendan will never change and I don't have the energy to try and make him anymore.
He has since tried to persuade me to come back to him. He told me that he would change, that he would come out, that he wanted to make a go of it but he bottled it. Just like he has so many times before.
For an outside observer there is no question as to why I shouldn't. After all the violence and cruelty, I have plenty of reasons to run in the opposite direction. I should have moved on a long time ago. Everyone has a hard time understanding why I didn't but it is because they don't know Brendan like I do. There is something about him, an overwhelming desire to be near him. People don't understand because they have never been touched by him the way I have, they have never been protected by him like I have and they have never had him kill someone for them like I have.
On the other hand, no one has ever hurt me the way that Brendan has. It wasn't the beatings that shattered me really, I have been beaten my whole life like that. What shattered me was the manipulation and lies, the promises that were never kept, that despite the fact that he loves me, he just can't stop torturing me. I never felt as much pain as I have loving him. It as if he is a drug and after every hit I take of him, I pray for the will to stop. Because as good as it feels, I know that one day 'it' is going to kill me.
This is why standing at this bar anticipating his arrival day in, day out is so counterproductive to what I am trying to do. Just like a drug addict I need to stay away from the one thing I have no control over. But that is the way that Brendan has made it. He doesn't want me to quit him. I have tried to leave, get away, but every time I apply or interview for a new position, I am turned down. At first I thought that it was because I have a criminal record, but when I caught Brendan talking to the man I had just interviewed with, I knew that he had manipulated, paid or threatened these people to turn me down. He will never let me escape him.
He is always there, always watching me. He makes it so no matter where I am or what I'm doing he is close by. He has made sure that we work all the same shifts. The only time that I have away from him is when I am in my flat and even then, he calls me or comes knocking at my door. He of course says that it is work related, and if I want to keep my job than I will answer him. But when he calls or comes over we never talk about work. He asks me how my day is or he asks about the kids or he just doesn't say anything. I always end up angry and telling him to do one and he always just leaves with a sigh. Does he really think that it is going to be that easy?
This is how the last 2 months have been with him. We don't actually have conversations anymore, when we are in a room together he does the talking and I ignore him.
Today is different though, today I get to look him in the eyes and tell him that 'I Quit!' That despite everything he has done to keep me employed at ChezChez and under his thumb, I have managed to get a leg up. I was offered a job in Chester working for an old mate. I didn't have to interview, so Brendan didn't get the chance to fuck it up for me.
A smile curls on my face as I hear him walk up the steps taking two at a time. I can always tell when he is coming. When he reaches the top of the stairs, I look up. Tonight, I will make eye contact, this may be the last time I ever see him and I want to remember why I no longer want to be around this man. I want to remember why I should hate him.
This of course is a huge mistake because he looks absolutely gorgeous tonight. His light blue shirt matches perfectly with his eyes and the trousers he is wearing shows off him bum. My cheeks flush and I have look down at the ground in embarrassment.
"Stephan, I didn't know ye were in tonight." He says, his lips curling at the sides. Bullshit. I want to slap that smug look right off his face. I find it infuriating when he says stuff like this. He must really think I am thick. I know all about his games, we have been playing them for a year now. He thinks that putting us in the same vicinity will make me cave. For him this is all game, something for him to conquer. For me, this is my life and for the first time I am taking it back.
"Brendan, I need to tell you something." I say quietly. He walks up to me and stands so close we are almost touching. I feel that familiar heat grow in my body. He smiles as I take a step back. He knows all to well that my body yearns for him. But thankfully my head is thinking logically today and moves my feet backwards.
"What is it Stephan?" The smell of his aftershave reminds me of the many nights I spent over at his and I have a flashback that makes me shudder. Brendan is definitely hands down the best lover I have ever had and in my more vulnerable nights, I have thought of calling him for some no strings attached fun. But there are always strings attached with us. That is why, despite everything that has happened, I am still here. He can't let me go and I can't leave.
But things have changed after suffering through these last 2 months, I am finally ready. I have prepared for this. Telling myself over and over again that it's the right thing to do, 'moving on'. The only way to do that is to get as far away from Brendan as possible. He will have to leave me alone after that, won't he? Once I get some distance between us, we can both go back to how our lives used to be. I was perfectly content then, wasn't I?
Maybe I wasn't but I will be again. I have Amy and the kids. They are all I need in this life. I will be happy again. I will be able to live my life without Brendan. I have to believe that because I can't go on like this. It scares me to think that nobody will ever be enough for me again but I have to try. I can't pretend anymore that Brendan and I will ever have a future. He will always be who he is and I will always be who I am. And I can't live in fear.
Brendan has now made his way over to the whiskey and is pouring himself a glass. If he has any idea what I am going to say, he is playing it cool. He steps to the other side of the bar and asks me again "What do ye want to tell me Stephan."
I don't know if it the way he is saying my name, or the way he is looking at me with such intensity but I reach my hand out and touch his face. Not in a sexual way or even a lovingly way, but a way that conveys that this thing between us is over. That after a year of insanity I have finally woken up and in my awaken state, Brendan and I are no longer bound to each other. I am free.
He steps back disorientated and drops the glass of whiskey in his hand. I watch it in slow motion as it falls. A million things run through my head: can I really do this, maybe he can change, will I ever move on, can I just be with him one last time. When I hear the glass finally hit the floor, I have decided that yes I can really do this, no he can't change, yes I will move on and NO, I can never be with him again.
"Brendan, I Quit." My voice comes out shaky. But I have never felt more in control in my life. I straighten up and look him dead in the eyes. I want him to know that I am serious. That for the first time since we have been together he doesn't have the power. "I am changing my phone number and if you ever come round my flat I will call the police, do you understand me." I sound more confident now, more in charge of my own life. For over a year now I have let Brendan determine the choices I made. I let him control my life and now I am taking it back.
"Stephan…" is all he can manage to say. He takes a step forward, but I put my hand out. He doesn't get to touch me anymore. There will be no goodbye fuck or kiss or hug. That is not how our story is going to end. When I think back on the story of Brendan and I, I will not remember the amazing times we had together because there weren't many. I will remember a heartbreaking tale of a man who didn't have the guts to be with another man. It doesn't matter that he loved me because when it came down to it, hard man Brendan Brady was a fucking coward.
I head for the door when I feel a hand grip around my arm. He spins me around to face him again. Did I really think this was going to be easy? I don't struggle because that would be futile. He is stronger than me and if I try to break free, he will just hold me. I use my words to break away. "Brendan, it doesn't matter what you say to me anymore. Your words mean nothing to me now. You can promise me the world and I still won't believe a word you say." His cheek starts to twitch. I can see in his eyes that he is trying to hold it together but he is slowly unraveling.
"Stephan…" His accent is thick and his voice is low. He is pleading with me, only he doesn't say anything. But it doesn't matter at this point because there is nothing he can say to me that will change anything. My mind is already made up.
"Get your hands off me Brendan, you don't ever get to touch me again." I say with weight in my voice. Despite the fact that life will be so much easier without him in it, I still feel a little twinge of sadness. I realize now that when I walk out this door, this will be the last time I see him. I will stick to my threats this time. It's the only way I can wash away any trace of him.
Brendan has been like a cancer in my life and I am only now seeking treatment. He finally lets go of me and lets his arms flop to his sides. The sadness is gone now all that remains is my determination to get as far away from him as possible.
I start to head towards the stairs but stop and turn towards him. I shrug, "Maybe in another life we could have been happy." I let this last look linger, his blue eyes give away his torment. I turn on my heals and head down the stairs taking two at a time. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, without Brendan Brady!