(disclaimer at the bottom)

Thedas vs. the Spider!

Crossbow bolts... won't kill it! Flames... can't burn it! Nothing... can stop it!

Kirkwall, some years after the Qun uprising

Viscount's Palace:

"Come on, Aveline, this guy's wanted for murder. He might even be a Crow. You can't want someone like that operating in, or just outside Kirkwall," Hawke wheedled while leaning against the wall inside the Guard Captain's office.

"Assassin skills aren't that unusual in Kirkwall, are they, Hawke? It's not my responsibility to chase down every rumored Crow in the city." The City Guard Captain said while examining a requisitions order and signing it. "I have to wonder why this wasn't reported to my Guard, and why you accepted such a chancy job."

Hawke quirked a smile and put up her hands, "You know that I don't stay bought if the one who's hired me is lying to me. Not that any of them prepay."

Aveline looked up and smiled back wryly, "That does make is much easier to... overlook your more irregular activities over the years."

"What? Hosting your wedding and rounding up raiders and Coterie is irregular now?" Hawke smirked.

Frowning, Aveline replied, "Goodwill counts for a lot, but there are limits, Hawke. I would prefer if there were courts and Banns to deal with those my men or I arrest. Kirkwall cannot limp on without a Viscount or Court for much longer, and I do not want the Templars to assume that as well. They would leave the gate open for attack while chasing harmless mages like that fool deLancet boy."

"If you come along, you can be sure I'll take care of the problem, and not strain your holding cells. And you need a break, Captain." Hawke's eyes sparkled as she played her last card, "And you can look for marigolds to bring back for Donnic too."

Aveline rubbed her forehead and ruefully smiled, "When are you going to stop doing that, Aldera?"

"Five or ten years, I think, until it's not as funny," Hawke chuckled. "Then I'll have something to save for the teen years of any children your and Donnic might have..."

"Hawke..." came in a warning voice from the Captain.

"Aveline, it's a great story. Should I ask Varric for confirmation of my doubtful opinion?" Hawke asked innocently.

"Maker, no. He'll print it, won't he?" the Guardswoman realized while paling a little.

Pursing her lips for a moment and blinking while trying not to laugh, Hawke said slowly, "Yes, it is a sweet story, Aveline. It won't resemble you... too much."

"Don't you suggest it, Hawke," Aveline said with a quick glare.

"So you want to come along on this one?" Hawke asked with the smallest of smirks

"You won't suggest it to him," Aveline threatened. "I will not bow to blackmail."

Smirking, Hawke admitted, "No, I wouldn't do that to you. Varric's had plenty of time to do it, so I don't think he will either. Too bad he likes making up stuff about me..." Hawke finished with a growl.

"Some of it's true, even if you didn't toss a helm on the Arishok's horn," Aveline said with a grin. "I keep waiting for the string of decorative young men to follow the gorgeous Champion from his stories."

Looking grim for a moment, Hawke grinned and said, "Why do you think I came to see you first? I get tired of being diplomatic with the others."

"Well if Anders was less militant, there'd be less figh..." Aveline started to say.

"Things wouldn't be that much different if I'd never met him," Hawke warned after setting her jaw for a second. "My father was a good man and good father, and Bethany would be dead or trapped in the Circle if they had their way. So now I waste time with persuasion and beating my head against the walls for fun... Let's get out of here."

"One moment," the Guard Captain said with a sigh. "I will notify my lieutenant and meet you by the stairs."

After brief stops at the Hawke estate to collect an ink-spattered mage, and the Hanged Man to pull Varric from his freshly printed copy of Famous Monsters of Kirkwall, Vol. 4, they soon left the city, with the mabari bounding around in sparse grasses that grew near Kirkwall's ever present stone.

"So what's the story, Hawke? Not that I mind a plausible excuse to avoid Guild meetings," Varric said with one of his easy grins. "I simply told that unimaginative Luisng that, 'The Champion calls so I do not have the time to discuss the import taxes on dried nug meat and how much profit we'd make.' I would be delighted to speak with him at a later time..."

Anders smiled briefly and asked, "I doubt Hawke wants to stand between you and profit like that. You might have to give up your writing."

Ducking under Anders' arm, Hawke snorted and exclaimed, "I can see it now, a nug in every pot! Except the Hanged Man, where I hear Dragon '04 was a very good year for rat."

Varric waved his hand in negation at that, "Not enough Dwarves to make that much profit on nugs, only ones fresh from Orzammar want to buy it and they don't make for a good profit. It's a fool plan."

"So that is why the Tethras of the Merchant Guild is so often free to help deal with bandits," Aveline said with a smile.

"And murderers, what is it with the caves on this mountain?" Hawke asked rhetorically.

"Not enough deep veins of valuable ores, I understand," Varric said absently. "Which is fine with me, I don't really want to deal with the castes any closer than Orzammar. Guard Captain, truly, I relish the time we travel together..."

Aveline looked doubtful, as Varric's delivery got smoother and more sincere.

"All the times we defeated the bandits preying on hapless travelers and guardsmen, foul and corrupt Tevinter slavers, darkspawn that make your stomach churn, and large spiders that would need a lot of mustard to be edible..." Varric declaimed, "those foes we would be lost to face without your shield."

"You just want to see if you can drain us of new things for your stories." Aveline smiled as the rocks marking the edge of the Dalish camp became visible.

"That too. I'm considering a new story in my merry mage series, as my audience has been asking for the oddest things, like how many people fit in the Champion's bed and if her marigold garden is doing well this year," Varric said with a straight face.

"Hawke!" Aveline demanded.

Said Champion flushed slightly and shook her head while Anders tightened his arm around her with a brief smirk.

Shaking his head, Varric laughed, "No, Guard Captain, though that tale would sell very well. I was there for many scenes. Alas, the epic tales just cluster around Hawke's life. I can't resist."

Hawke gave him a raspberry and stepped away from the mage; with another smile she led their way through the Dalish camp. Aside from the two faint smiles from the trader and Keeper, the four were ignored in a frosty manner by most of the Dalish. Asking about the elven stranger gained them only directions to the caves near the camp.

"It is chilly early this year, isn't it?" Anders asked while rubbing his arms once they were past the camp.

Mournfully, Hawke made to shiver, "I didn't know I'd need to bring a coat for this job."

"Do you want mine?" Anders asked with a mixture of pleasure and concern. His worried attention seemed to be on the more prominent sharp bits of metal in Hawke's armor.

Chuckling came from Varric and Aveline, but Varric added, "Ah, Blondie. You look like a cat with bird in its mouth, a bird that is a tar grenade and you don't know what's next."

"I'll settle for your arms, love," Hawke said, putting an arm around Anders again. "We're just out on an... almost sunny day looking for an assassin. Just another glorious mission in the tale of the Champion. Too bad Varric won't let me peek at the end of the story."

"You have to write it first," Varric put in. "Do you even have a description of this murderer, Hawke?"

"I cannot like that these Dalish shared his location that easily," Aveline said. "They are rarely cooperative with civil visits from my Guard, but they weren't quite hostile either."

"I thought this Nuncio was from Antiva, and he is sure that he is more important than everyone around him. He made very sure I knew that he'd been gifted with three names, as two weren't enough for him. You would have loved him, Aveline," Hawke remembered.

"Another son of privilege, washed up here in Kirkwall,"Aveline grumbled. "I would hope that more of them would remember their titles mean little here if they disrupt my city."

Turning over her shoulder to meet Aveline's eyes as they walked, Hawke teased, "Of course, Viscount Aveline. We should post it at the gates and have the Twins hold a large sign with just that warning."

"What should the twins hold? They are bare of ornament. The forges then had to have been huge," Varric mused.

"Something more cheerful would be nice, I hate them," Hawke said flatly with a slight stumble.

Aveline agreed, "They are disheartening."

"They should be melted down or sunk into the ocean. They symbolize how little the Gallows have changed," the mage gritted out.

"When things settle a little," Hawke agreed. "We're almost to that ruin of a building, we can rest there before we start checking the caves."

The ruin already had some spiders, but that fight was short. They rested and then approached a cave mouth that had a broken wagon partly blocking the entrance.

"This hasn't been here very long," Varric pointed out. "There's no weeds growing through it."

Paws nosed through some of the weeds and barked for Hawke's attention.

"Good job, boy," Hawke said with a quick pat to the mabari. "Look at what he found..." she said, lifting up a piece of jewelry that sparkled in the sunlight. "They look like topazes, nice ones."

"Only you, Hawke, find things like this in the wilderness..." Aveline said while shaking her head.

Smirking, Hawke said while scritching the war dog, "Mainly because I look and Paws knows I like 'em. I found a magic belt in some rubble while still saving for the expedition into the Deep Roads. And you don't have to worry about me if I find it like this."

"Worry away, Watch-Captain. There's still a lot of dried blood on the underside of this wagon," Anders said with a muffled voice, before standing upright again.

"No body, or bones," Aveline frowned.

Stepping closer to the cave, Paws barked.

Looking grim, Hawke said, "One body's still in there. There had to be a second to block it with the wagon. We'd better check as soon as we can move this cart."

"All that from a couple of barks?" the mage asked with a bit of annoyance.

"If you paid more attention while in Ferelden, you might understand too," Aveline said as she bent over to join Hawke and Varric in studying the cart's undercarriage.

Anders watched for attackers as the others talked about how to move the cart with its current damage. After a few minutes and some wrenching jerks, the wagon was dragged a few steps away, enough to allow entrance into the cave.

Sounds of disgust rang into the cave, and Anders called up enough light that they could see the corpse. It had been a red head and probably a male. Race was a bit harder to tell, with bits covered in bugs or stolen by vermin.

"I do not think this was an elf," Anders said in a detached voice. "And I am not inclined to search his pockets on the tiny chance there still is anything left."

Frowning, the Guard-Captain noted, "I don't know how I can report this corpse. No name, and I cannot be sure how he died. 'Cause unknown' makes Seneschal Bran unhappy, as foreign spies are more palatable than current tensions."

Varric suggested with a pat on Bianca, "Maybe we can ask the polite murderer? He sounded like he was almost friendly with the Dalish in that camp. Why not tell us?"

"Let's get out of here," Hawke agreed. "This must be another of the associates that Nuncio sent after this elf."

Hastily exiting to fresher air, none lingered by the entrance. After a few minutes they spoke few words, but moved to the next cave. Cautiously entering, with weapons at the ready, relieved chuckles echoed through the tunnels when they searched the last tunnel without finding anyone. Another shallower cave had a bear, which they hastily backed away from successfully.

"That leaves only the cave that had that thing bigger than our home in Lothering," Hawke said glumly.

"We definitely killed it, Hawke, after what it did to that Dalish boy. He was frightened into foolish," Aveline said in sorrow.

"I would liked to have seen it, Hawke," Varric said with genuine regret. "All I really got from your descriptions was 'big,' 'legs,' and 'fucking big."

Pulling her closer, Anders cried in a falsetto, "I'm scared, Hawke, hold me!"

Aveline's glare was a silent command to 'grow up.'

"Here I was going to ask you," Hawke said as they both grinned. "I'm sure we didn't get all the merely large spiders, and they've had years to multiply."

"I'm not sure Bianca's just the thing for the big spiders," Varric said with a frown. "I could put holes in them all day before hitting a vital spot."

"Then we should use poison, lots of poison. We can handle them if you can slow them down," Aveline suggested. "I could use some poison too, Hawke, if you have enough."

"Some was made from spider venom I collected," Anders explained flatly again, all humor gone. "I would not recommend using those."

Patting his arm absently, Hawke agreed, "I have enough for both of them, but they won't last if we use them too soon."

"They would not affect skeletons," warned Anders.

"No, but we can," Hawke said while towing her mage towards the cave mouth, "and we can deal with this 'bad dog' of an elf when we find him."

Paws whined at that, but wagged his tail and was nearly smiling when they looked at him. Hawke scratched his ears with a smile.

The joking stopped as they entered the arch of the entrance. And in the first wider cave section, they could see that spiders had prospered again since the last time.

A little battered until they caught their breath after the fight, the Guard-Captain oversaw the generous application of poison on their weapons. "At least these are not undead or darkspawn," she said with a slight smile.

"If they were darkspawn, I would feel them coming. These spiders just make chittery noises and drop down to clip my head off even if we are underground." Anders spoke with loathing as he wrapped Hawke's arm in a bandage.

"It's not that far underground, much of it has natural light. No lava or old dwarven sculpture either," Hawke said while testing the flex of the bandage.

Varric smirked, "The Ancestors must have liked it. There probably is a Paragon of big statues... it goes along with the armor that chafes."

"We should advance while the poison is freshly applied," Aveline warned, girding herself,

The chambers were familiar to most of the group, so progress through the spiders was steady, if messy.

When they got further in, Hawke sadly noted, "I think this is about where we found that Dalish hunter, I hope that terrified elven boy found the Maker or Dread Wolf. We almost..."

"Don't, love. You cannot save them all," Anders said with a pale face and flat voice.

"I know that, but I cannot seem to save the ones that matter the most to me, nor even the most innocent," bitter were her words as she clenched her hands into fists. "I wonder if Bethany is safer as a Gray Warden, People around me get cursed, leaving me with only ashes and regrets to remember."

Chittering echoed down the dim passage, and Hawke shook herself, "Pol was just another body in my wake, like that Qun mage, Trask's daughter, and that poor possessed Templar trainee that attacked the Knight-Captain."

Taking one fist and then the other to smooth out her fingers, Anders said quietly, "You saved Ella, and Feynriel, and Keran. You have succeeded even in dire cases. love. But no, you cannot save them as things are now."

"We can save those the Crow would kill, Hawke. People like that deserve the blame,"Aveline added firmly. "Let us go."

A few side caves later, and they reached the last, huge cavern, and Hawke swore.

"What, Hawke?" Varric asked, unslinging Bianca again.

"That fresh corpse has been drained, just like that boy, Pol," Hawke growled as Aveline and Anders swore briefly as well. "Didn't we already kill it?"

"Varric, you and Anders stay back on the stairs, we'll keep it busy in the open. Watch for its spit and rockfall, Varric. Paws, guard Anders," Hawke said while unsheathing her blades.

Aveline drank a potion and her skin changed its cast, before she started to advance while looking up and out. Hawke was off to the side and listening as much as scanning the cavern.

Whispering, Anders added while watching the cavern, "Maker, it's bloody fast. too. I only heard of one other encountered by the Warden, but that was a rumor I'm not quite convinced of..."

"Here I was hoping this was your tenth, Blondie," Varric said in a sotto voice. "You're slipping, warden."

Anders only made a brief face at that.

Not a sound could be heard a short eternity as even the mabari was listening, but both Aveline and Hawke were moving as the huge creature dropped down between them. It was large enough that it landed on the spots they'd been standing on an instant before.

Moving a bit like someone on five unsteady stilts, it still moved almost too fast to see as it threatened the Guard-Captain and Champion at once.

Stepping a little closer, Anders cast a spell to hamper the creature's attacks, while Bianca started making small holes in the immense carapace.

Aveline stayed close, through both attacks and it using its bulk to make the ground shake. Fire from grenades and magic engulfed the Varterral and the warrior but the protections held off most damage.

Hawke was charred but darted in and out, attacking the leg joints as the Guardswoman held its attention. Paws growled, but stayed beside Anders.

Varric wondered, "How much does it take to kill it?"

"Two or three days," the mage answered absently, seeing how the Varterral was so focused on the Guard-Captain. He should cast a protective spell on Aveline, not Hawke, and he had an internal pang at the necessity of his decision. His face blanked completely as he stood fully upright for a moment as his shield formed around Aveline.

"You are shitting me," Varric said between shots, looking around for the faint sound amidst the shouts and combat from the center.

The ground shook again before just-fallen rocks rolled about, and Anders flashed a small smile. "No, cooking and taking a leak had to be fit in during the fight without getting ki..."

A glop and a thick goo landed on both of them from the creature, burning all exposed skin it touched. It leaked through gaps in armor or robes, and made Varric curse when he saw it dissolve patches of his chest hair.

Concentrating on his next spell, Anders wasn't quite attentive when Varric dragged him away from the the acid splashed landing and along the right wall. Before they reached the new vantage, more spiders with the proper eight legs emerged from the cavern ceiling and upper walls and attacked.

Paws attacked the closest spider and Varric sent out a volley of bolts in an arcing cloud. Anders divided his attention between the Varterral battle and the closer spiders. After Hawke tumbled away from the larger creature, she shouted to Aveline and threw a grenade to dizzy many of the smaller ones and more of them attacked Hawke as she kept changing targets.

Varric wasn't sure if the poison had slowed the creatures, but he did not want to think how fast they'd be otherwise, as one shot from Bianca hit something critical and another spider stopped moving. "All we're missing is the dark spawn and mushrooms."

"I vastly prefer the daylight from above to seeing by lava and torches," Anders said with a grimace, that was wiped away when he heard a cry of pain from Hawke.

Standing between the Varterral and himself, Hawke was surrounded; she was bloody and wavering on her feet when Anders cast an ice spell in a fan that got many of the spiders attacking her. That was enough to finish several, and rapidly the smaller spiders began die, one after the other, until only the Varterral was left.

Anders cast a series of spells from the brief burst of energies from the spiders' deaths, but he saw that Aveline and Hawke were still flagging. Drinking one of the imported lyrium potions with a grimace and then a sigh of deep relief, he cast the spell to give everyone a bit of healing.

Looking down, Varric grinned, "I owe you, Blondie. I don't want to deprive my audience until I heal."

Her defensive potion long gone, Aveline wondered, "What does this thing eat?" as she hacked at the legs until the body was low.

"Not us," Hawke swore, her armor blackly soaked with blood and gore.

More spiders were lured to the sound of fighting, but this smaller group wasn't as much of a threat. The Varterral was slowing as well.

Finally with a creaking, the creature folded downward.

Staggering a step to brace against Aveline, Hawke asked, "Is it dead? Are we sure? I'm not sure."

"I'm not completely sure it was ever alive, Hawke," Anders said as he stepped over to check her injuries.

Varric began to wipe Bianca off as Aveline cleaned her blade off.

"Now you, I wasn't expecting," came from an accented voice in the shadows further into the cavern. Stepping out of the shadows was a fair elf in leather armor.

Hawke tensed, but only replied, "I'd guess not, with the butler you have here."

- x x -

A/N: The Dragon Age world, plot, and their characters aren't mine but belong to Bioware. I get no money for writing this homage to laughable "B" movies.This particular variation of the DA2 game quest was also inspired by bits from the old B grade movie Earth vs. the Spider. While the Varterrall isn't from radioactivity or toxic waste, it could have been!

Any typos that remain are not intentional... Reviews or a PM to let me know what you think would be very appreciated.