A/N: At first I didn t want to write this in the shape of a journal, but….I read the «Secret of success» column and I couldn t hold myself back not to send this in for a review. Enjoy.
Beneath me
***
This is my first diary. I never had a diary before. Never knew what a diary really is.
Maybe I did. I can t seem to remember. It s all so blurry. I just remember the darkness. It was night. All the time it was night. I wonder why?
And I don t remember anything about any other of my kind. Only my mother s vibrant voice.
But no touching. Only cold metal handles of a droid or something like it. Maybe those hands left the marks on me, inprinted deeply so that by no modern means I could get rid of it somehow. It makes me wonder.
I don t remember what my planet was like. I only remember the night. How could anything evolve on it if there was not a star somewhere there to bring light? I don t understand. It doesn t matter how tough I am or want to look like it…..there are things that will always make me lose my mind. The things that are from the dark side of the Force.
Just to begin:
I know that the name of my planet is/was Mayselib. Mayselib was councered by the humanoid species known as the Baladis. I don t know why are they called that, but I do know how Mayselib was a name of a flower that could make anyone kneel down to it and praise it s beauty. That s only a legend. I know that nobody wants to tell me what really happened there and why did Master Obi-Wan took me as a Padawan when no one had the intencion of doing so. I was thirteen years old. If he hadn t accepted me back then……I would be sent back to Mayselib. I don t understand why did the council want to keep me so badly. I m not that special.
I m not.
Just one of the many.
A Jedi Padawan.
I only know this about the place that I came from.
Now I must stop writing, I must go. We re going on a mission.
I shouldn t do this. It s making me feel and it s more adicting than I thought. I must put a stop to this.
I don t think that I will write about my emotions anymore. I will write about the missions and the results of our battles. Things like that. Things that won t force me to lose myself in the sea of misery.
I must be strong.
I am a Jedi Padawan. This is beneath me.
***
The mission I went on with Master Obi-Wan apeared to be more dangerous than we thought, but it was nogthing that we couldn t handle.
The original plan was for us to go to the «cloners» on Kamino. Master Obi-Wan stated how he once went there back when his Padawan was a former Jedi Knight, Anakin Skywalker. He married senator Amidala. It can t escape my thought to wonder does Master Obi-Wan fear for me to do a stupid thing like that. I know that fear is beneath him as it is beneath all Jedi, but subconciously there is something, there must be. I must stop calling him Master Obi-Wan. He never said a word about it but it seems disrespectfull. I should call him Master Kenobi.
Whatever insecurity that he must bare….he won t show it. If not for his sake then for my sake as his Padawan apprentice.
Kamino was a planet with a homogenic surface containing nogthing but water that rifled in endless wawes under a strong storm. I successfully opressed my fear when our craft landed upon the slipery surface of the site.
We had to inspect the next milion clones that are breaded for the Republic. We have been expected.
The woman who greated us upon our arrival was tall, skiny, but unusually atractive. Master Kenobi acted like he didn t even notice and warned me not to care about it. Because the person here noted was a female, I was more embarased than I would be if Master Kenobi warned me like that about a man.
Things like that remind me that I am still a farely unexperienced Padawan. I have been at the Temple since I was five years old. That s four and a half years too late. But they bared with me.
No matter what, I can t be even compared with other seventeen year old Padawans. That is the only thing that can get to me lately. My last entry to this log was….what can I say….my mind was blured for a moment of weakness but now I am fully aware of the dark side of the Force that was threatening me and I have successfully avoided further mistakes done on that behalf.
I will probably delete the previous entry. It has no purpose.
I have gone far away from the main topic I was reporting about.
As I stated, Master Kenobi and I were on Kamino, checking on the new clones for the Republic s army. The prime minister of Kamino told us a very disturbing information in his slow pronounciation, draggin the words...
I quote: «…yes, yes, yes-Master Skywalker already informed us on the transportacion means to the Republic…»
«E-Excuse me. Master Skywalker?», my mentor asked, seemingly worried.
The minister noticed that something was wrong. Causosly, he started, «Yes. Master Skywalker. He was the Jedi that the council has sent. He didn t have no complaintes what so ever.»
«So he was pleased?»
«O, yes. Very pleased.»
«Did he say anything about the Republic s plan?»
«No, I don t believe he did. Is there something wrong?»
«Yes. Something is wrong.»
«O, I do hope that there is something we can do.»
«You can. You can stop to follow any orders given to you by Anakin Skywalker and you can….»
He stoped right there to send me outside to inform the council. The conversation stated above was not exact, but it was consistant enough. Anakin Skywalker, expeled from the Jedi order wanted to get his hands on the mass army that rightfully belonged to the Republic.
I have given the report about it to the council. There was noghting else for me to do, so I got into the craft and started to meditate on the subject that has been brought up. I woke up from the state when I senced somebody coming nearer. He or she opened the hatch hoping to find me unpreapared.
I didn t use my lightsaber, but I managed to pull a good kick that was not expected. A moment passed as I realised that the person whoom I believed to be a threat was no other than Master Kenobi.
«Quick responce. That s good. I didn t think that you would be ready. You must not ever put your guard down.»
I started to apologize for hitting him, but he stoped me, «That was good.»
I felt honoured. He didn t commend me too often.
When we got off that planet I just assumed that we will probably go back to the council. But I was wrong. Master Kenobi set a course for planet Naboo. It was where Anakin was living with Padme Amidala.
Before our arrival there, we encountered two enemy crafts belonging to the separatist army. Master Kenobi told me how the «cloners» are cloning armies just for the side with the biggest amount of money available.
That means that they have probably «switched» their side. «They had no side to begin with. They were just doing their job to get payed. And now they want us destroyed.»
«The cloners?»
«No. Everyone else.»
It was farely exciting. My first combat in space. Not that I did much of the combat part.
I shouldn t like it so. I m endulging to my primal instincts that will betray me. I must not give in.
***
A quite lot has happen since that day when we went to Naboo.
Padme Amidala was there by herself. Anakin Skywalker left her. He has joined the dark side. I feel a dark shadow over us all. This isn t my human side, this is the Jedi in me sencing the colaborations in the Force. Master Kenobi sences it too.
I shouldn t put apart the human me and the Jedi me.
That came out wrong.
I must restraint myself from letting my mind wonder around. It is a time of danger and suspision. I must be ready for anything.
Master Kenobi is going away with Master Landé to find out who is behind this growing conspiracy. I haven t been told the rest. I don t know what happened back on Kamino to be able to predict any action made by anyone. I know that I am a Jedi. But a very unsure one. I must not think like that.
There aren t enough of Jedi Knights and Masters around to allow me my present state of confusion that isn t complementary.
I dare not write this down but there is something important happening with former senator (she has resigned) Amidala. That is why Master Windu came here earlier this day to protect her with me. This is the most important mission that I have ever participated in. I will do my best to protect Padme, I will die if necessary. I am thinking of things that no Jedi should think about. I must restrain myself. Again.
The word restrain sounds familiar. Like I ve heard it a lot of times before. That is why I came to Master Windu with this. He told me about Mayselib. He explained to me why I carry the marks on my skin. They are printed around my hands, elbows, like an architech sketch of somesort.
He explained how they are marks, plans.
«Plans for what?»
«Plans for cutting your arms off and exchanging them with droid upgrades that would be controled so that you couldn t escape or disobey.»
He always gave a straight forward answer no matter how tough it was. I appreciate him for that.
«So I was a slave of somesort.»
«Down in the mines.»
That was the reason of me not being able to remember daylight. That must be the reason for me not remembering my mothers touch. I do remember it. But it was cold and metal.
That was the reason for me being here at all. They didn t want to throw me back there.
«They did that to everyone?»
«Everyone.»
We went to a planet that will stay untitled and without descriptions. We need to hide.
Master Kenobi reported how Master Landé is dead because of the separatists that attacted them. There were too many. They had battle droids of some sort. And the clones from Kamino.
Not all of them, but…most as Master Kenobi reported.
Now there is no question about it-the Republic will split in two parts. It is something that we all were dreading. There aren t enough Jedi to protect what is left. The only chance we have is….I will not write it down. In case that this log gets in the wrong hands.
Like the hands of Anakin Skywalker whome I once knew. But not anymore. Master Kenobi has no doubt: Anakin Skywalker has embrased the dark side. Padme is growing darker day by day.
Soon…..she will bring Anakin s children to this world. By that time….we must protect her. Master Kenobi will replace Master Windu who will go away to try and stop the battle for Kamino. The «cloners» are valuable.
I m begining to lose myself in this all. Nothing is safe. Everybody are birds of prey, waiting for a wrong move.
Well…there isn t going to be a wrong move. The dark side thinks that the Jedi aren t that powerful anymore. It s wrong. The odds aren t in our favour, but we stand a big chance. Even if Anakin isn t on our side.
«You don t understand. He wasn t the way he used to be. He used to care for me, he used to live. With time….everything banished.
I have no doubt in my mind that he would kill me if he had the chance. Because I am a threat to him. We all are.»-Padme was saying that about the man she once loved. The Jedi she once loved.
I m confused. I wish that Master Kenobi would come here as soon as possible. I don t want Master Windu to leave me here all alone with Padme. I m not enough, I can t protect her all by myself.
There are more and more clans and planets joining the separatist s. We are in danger. That is why we will find some other planet, more deserted than this one to hide. Master Windu suggested Mayselib. But that is impossible. I have been told how there are no records about anyone going behing the neutral lines of that planet without permission or undetected.
If we do go to Mayselib I will erase this particular log.
There is more political false play that makes our hopes go down. We are no longer sure who to believe, the Force is not that strong anymore. The dark side clouds it.
I must not write anymore. My mind runs away. I should check the scaners and go on the surface to take a look around.
That is what I will do.
Protect Padme.
***
I haven t written in a long time. A couple of moths or so. It doesn t matter.
This must be short:
I am truly alone with Padme along side with ten soldiers that could be spared. The Republic is in harsh war over Kamino and several other systems.
Anakin Skywalker killed Master Windu. There is no more hope.
Master Yoda has disapeared. He was hiding what was left of the young Padawans in the Temple. I am not sure is Master Kenobi alive.
I hope he is. I can not hold on like this alone. I m pretending that it s alright, but it isn t. I am just a Padawan. How can I have so much responcobility, such power in my hands? I can t take it.
I m saying that I can t take it but I know that I must take it, I know that I will take it.
The dark side is moving closer. We will have to go to the planet I have mentioned in the previous entry. That entry does not egsist anymore.
That is the right thing.
Last night some strange species of humanoid reptiles came inside of the modules we are living in. I got so scared. I thought that it was someone else.
I can t even spare time to meditate. I can t let myself be caught off guard.
***
It s a year past the previous entry.
When I started to write this silly little thing I thought that I would write in it every day or at the very least once a weak.
Padme gave birth. I will not write about this topic anymore. I m tired of destroying everything that I write down. Master Yoda is not dead.
Nobody has seen him or heard anything about him but I am sure. I heard his voice while I was meditating. He is somewhere.
He s not too safe, but…safe enough.
We had Kamino for awhile. It wasn t too long. We lost every major planet, system that had any importance what so ever. Now…we re fighting for the remained scrubs.
Master Kenobi is alive and coming here to assist me. He told me that he is proud. For me handling everything as I did.
He told me that I deserve to be a Jedi Knight.
Two months ago we had an intruder. He had a lightsaber, but he was no Jedi.
I amased even myself when I managed to stop him from assasinating Padme. It s too late now. The children are born and hidden.
***
War. It s such an awful word. I never truly realised.
Anakin Skywalker killed the woman he once loved.
Such a monster. She died in my arms while Master Kenobi tried to steal Anakin away from the dark side.
He failed.
But survived. I couldn t understand. He killed the woman he loved but didn t kill his mentor that he childishly used to blame for all his problems. Anakin was never fit to be a Jedi. Master Kenobi took him in as as young boy.
And this was his gratitude. This was his way of «balancing the Force».
Besides Master Yoda, Master Kenobi and me, there are only two Jedi Knights and one Jedi Master left.
«Don t let the Republic die.»
Those were the last words on her mouth.
I folowed Anakin and his craft. Crashed myself stupidly into a wall at a high velocity. He didn t kill me. Now I understand:
He didn t kill neither me nor Master Kenobi because he had no need to do so. And by that he was only displaying his power over us all.
Damn him.
Him and his dark side.
He can have his dark side.
***
This is being written on a torn piece of a sheet. How I would wish that this is my journal. But it isn t.
It s probably destroyed. Somwhere in a cold, damp place.
I am laying down on a soft bed. Something that I haven t had the chance to do in ages.
I am hurt. I know that because I can feel the pain.
I know that because there was a final fight at the Temple. At the place where I grew up. Place where I was trained. The only place where I ever really lived. And I failed in protecting it as I once failed to protect Padme.
Master Kenobi barely escaped. I don t know where is he. Now he is the only Jedi Master still here, still alive.
Master Yoda is somewhere far, far away.
I m not sure for the location of either of them. I just know that I ve been in a comma for a couple of years. Everything seems like it was yesterday. But it s not.
I don t feel older.
But I am.
They are forcing me to go see Anakin. He doesn t use that name anymore.
I have been told to call him Darth Vader.
Yeah right. I will call him however I please. Everything has been brought to an end. What has been left to defend? A piece of dust in space.
I m not that possesive. It s over for me.
I know that I m not thinking as a true Jedi, but…I m not a Jedi. Not anymore.
I never was a Jedi. I was always forcing myself.
I have meditated for the last time. Now I am ready. For a final fight if I get my hands on a lightsaber or two. I won t join the dark side if that s what he s going to ask of me.
He can have his dark side. All by himself.
I don t want it.
It s low….far beneath me.
A/N: So kiddies…….do you want a nuder version of this fic, not in the form of a journal, but from a first person POV? I was planing to write it like that, but……scary stuff goes through your head when you can t fall asleep on a day that you just watched Episode 2.