AN: This is add-on to ilovedesserts story "No" - she has blessed this project, which is the only reason why I'm tacking something onto another author's work. I really loved the story, and it's exploration into Andy's POV and the what if. I really wanted to see what Sharon would have written in her journal during her time at Major Crimes and how that may have had an impact on Andy. As ilovedesserts points out in her story, Andy never stopped loving her he just didn't know how to trust her again. I hope that by writing in the gaps that you all can see just why these two are headed down the aisle. Please note this story exists in the AU world of "NO" - which if you haven't read it yet, please do so before continuing on with my piece.

Beta is busy with two kids, all mistakes are my own.

No, but…

Chapter 1

Andy opened the journal, flipping through the pages. He was surprised to see it almost full with entries. He wasn't really sure where to start. The pain of the last several weeks had turned to a dull ache, but he wasn't sure what would happen when he opened this pandora's box. He was holding her inner most thoughts in his hands, he knew he didn't really need to read them to get her intent. Even as she stood there tell him no that night, he knew it wasn't because she didn't love him. It was a hard realization to have as his heart was being broken.

He opened it up to the last entry she made it was dated March 16th. The writing was messy and the lines uneven. Ink was blurred in spots where tears had clearly fallen onto the page.

I said no. Not only did I say no, I had to add never. He told me he would wait for me. He's always waiting for me to be ready. I don't understand why I'm not, why I never seem to be ready to take that next step with him. Now he's gone. I sent him away and this time I don't think he's coming back. When Rusty came home my heart swelled for a moment, I thought it was Andy. I thought maybe he had come back. He would say I'm not taking no for an answer and sweep me into his arms. I knew of course that it wouldn't be Andy, but the realization didn't make my heart break any less. I thought about driving over to Provenza's to apologize and see if we could try and fix things…

Andy closed the journal and threw it down onto his bed. Her words stung. Everything he had felt in the last two months could have been avoided. He hadn't really considered going back to the house to talk to her, frankly when she made up her mind nothing he could say would change it. Why would her rejecting his proposal have been any different? He shook his head and picked the journal back up but this time opened it to the first page.

August 13, 2012

Day 1 of 365

What a day. A new team. A new job. A new kid. And none of them are going right. I knew when I accepted this transfer, not that I was given much choice not to, that it was going to be a challenge. Despite the fact that my working relationship with them had improved over the last year I am still an outsider. The cold, no icy, shoulder I got from every member of the squad today was evidence of that this is going to be a long year. If I can get the promotion to Commander that I've been promised, I only need to put one year at that rank and I can finally retire. Walk away from all the dirty looks and hateful rumors, and live my life in peace.

Peace is certainly going to be an issue in the near future. I'm not going to say I don't know what I was thinking bringing Rusty home, because I know exactly why I did it. That being said, I sure like to pile on the life complications - I'm surprised Jack hasn't shown up on my doorstep yet. An encounter with him would be icing on the cake right now.

Tomorrow, I will hold my head high and do my job as I've always done. Clearly there are things I need to learn about working homicide as Lt. Flynn, so sweetly pointed out to me. Not that I would ever admit it, but I assumed all the investigations I performed to this point would have made switching to murder cases a walk in the park. It hasn't been, or maybe it's more having to fight with the team to do what needs to be done.

I'm sure with time everyone will come around. Well maybe not Provenza, but I think he will find a way to remain civil. I had hoped bringing Sykes in would give me an ally, but she may prove to be more work than she's worth. She did help break the case open, but has a lot to learn. Really it was Flynn who helped me see how everything unfolded. I guess I work well when someone is racking me over the coals. I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly he turned off his frustration and switched back to the case. It was almost as if nothing had happened. He said his piece and we moved on. For a few minutes sitting with him in the morgue reviewing the case notes I felt like I had a real partner, for the first time since my patrol days. I hate to say I liked it because it's probably something that won't happen again. On the other hand, who knows with him he's always been a bit of a wild card.

Now what to do about Rusty…

Andy thought back to that first case and felt a pang of regret. They really had treated her poorly. The two discussed retirement at length after Andy's blood clot and in even greater detail after his heart attack, but he never knew that she had considered retiring once they made her Commander. Since it never happened it made sense it didn't come up in conversation. Shelving that for another time, Andy flipped through the pages to another entry.

August 27 2012

Day 14 of 365

I need to pray for patience tonight and every night until Rusty is reunited with his mother. The patience to not wring her neck the minute I meet her. The patience to not throw her in jail for child cruelty and endangerment which is where she should be right now. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to hand Rusty back over to DCFS and his family when the time comes. I knew I would become attached to him, but I never expected it to happen this quickly. Emily and Ricky were worried when I told them I was fostering a material witness. My mother told me to keep my emotional distance, to protect myself from getting hurt. The team keeps wondering when I will ship him off - the little psycho. None of them understand that I can't do that. The moment I decided to bring him home, I decided to let him into my life. I knew what that meant - it could be days or weeks before I lost him, but the time would eventually come when I had to say goodbye.

I could barely hold back the tears this evening from the team. Hearing from Flynn that Rusty bolted when his mother didn't show up wasn't a shock, it didn't stop it from hurting. I could tell that the Lieutenant felt bad about what happened, blamed himself for losing track of him. It was sweet of him to offer to stay all night trying to track him down. I'm not sure what compelled him to do it. Guilt? Worry? The job? Me? I don't really mean me, but his boss. I would like to think he stayed because he wanted to find Rusty for himself and for me - not because it was his job or because I was his commanding officer. It was nice, even if for a day, to feel like I was co-parenting. Not quite that far I realize, but feeling like I had a partner with Rusty. Someone that he could talk to, someone that I could lean on. It was a rarified feeling, one that reminded me of fleeting moments I had with Jack and the kids.

As much as I wanted to protect my own heart by not taking him to the bus stop, I can't help but wonder if things might have been different if I had gone. If I hadn't put my needs ahead of his. Given his explanation for running away I doubt it would have change the outcome if I went, it may have made it worse. At least he knew to come home, which wasn't where I expected him to go. I figured Flynn would find him at some old familiar haunt on Hollywood Blvd, not here in my condo. Maybe he's adapting to this as much as I am.

He closed the journal for a moment, that certainly was a difficult day. She was right, he had felt guilty about losing the kid, but he also felt bad for her and because of her. They weren't enemies anymore and no matter how much trouble the Kid was causing her, he and the rest of the team knew that she had fallen in deep for him. Watching her try and hold herself together, to know that he was involved in causing her that pain made him sick. At the time Andy wasn't sure why he felt those things, eventually it made sense, he was beginning to accept her as one of them.

Andy thumbed through the pages skipping ahead a bit to another memorable day. As he read the date, Andy wondered where her year countdown went, but quickly realized she must have found out that Taylor wasn't in a position to grant her the promotion after all. The idea of retirement had been tabled.

October 8, 2012

Once again I sit here asking Got to grant me patience and forgiveness. It is taking all my will power to not get in the car and drive over to Daniel's home, drag him out of bed, and haul him in for questioning. I'm even tempted to let Flynn and Julio have a moment alone with him. My hands are still shaking with anger. I know the solution I've come up with is far better, and has a positive long-term outcome, but I haven't wanted to hit someone as much as I want to hit him in a very long time.

I'm not sure why I sent Flynn the pictures of the bruises. It could have waited. They will all see Rusty, and I hope play a part in getting Daniel Dunn out of his life for good, tomorrow. He called me the minute he saw the pictures. He was as angry as I was, which brought me a strange feeling of comfort. He was never good about hiding his emotions, and I could easily tell that he had grown fond of Rusty. It was nice to know that he was going to have so many male role models in his life. That's something that Ricky didn't really get. I enrolled him in sports and of course he had his teachers, but with no father at home, my family living so far away there really wasn't someone there for him in the way the team has been there for Rusty.

I had to talk Flynn out of coming over tonight. He really wanted to do something to help. He's a do-er. I know what he really wanted to do was to kick Daniel's ass, but if I wasn't going to let myself do it I certainly wasn't going to allow him. I ran my plan by him, it's something we've begun to do at work. He's becoming something of an ally in an odd way, one that I never dreamed possible. Pigs must be flying somewhere. As shocking as it is, he's been a wonderful sounding board. He actively listens and lets me working things out, mostly its about cases, but a few times it has been about more personal things. I've really enjoyed those moments, although I find myself feeling awkward and uncomfortable at times. The whole thing seems so strange, despite feeling so right, that sometimes my brain trips over the rest of me. It would be nice if some day I could count him as a friend and not just a subordinate or colleague - at the very least it would be nice to know I had a partner at work that had my back.

He took off his reading glasses and rubbed his eyes. Reading her thoughts on their early days of working together felt like a complete role-reversal. At the time he hadn't thought much in the way of friendship with Sharon. After two months of working together he felt like they were beginning to mesh well, and he liked how smoothly things seemed to be working now. Andy was a neat and ordered man, and having a boss who was like minded was beneficial. For the first time, he felt like work was truly bringing him some stability and freeing him to focus on other things, family things for a change. His daughter had been right from day one, Sharon was the reason behind everything whether she knew it or was actively involved or not - her coming into Major Crimes was the best thing that ever happened to him.

With that thought he closed the journal and set it down on the coffee table. He made his way down the hall to his grandson's room and poked his head in the door. She was asleep on the top bunk, foot sticking out of the comforter. He watched her chest rise and fall for a few seconds before finally closing the door and walking back to the kitchen. He poured himself a glass of water and returned to the living room to continue reading.