This memo is to inform all agents that SHIELD has implemented the following changes to regulations in order to improve safety and productivity in the workplace.

Projectiles of any sort are no longer to be used to plug in electronics or memory storage devices. I don't care how well you do in the shooting range, your aim is not THAT good. Agent Barton is requested to stop setting a bad example on this front; even if you are one of the few people who can pull it off, it still puts unnecessary wear and tear on the port and the IT guys are getting fed up with it.

All agents are, henceforth, banned from taunting Tony Stark by claiming that SHIELD knows something he doesn't. I don't care how much he annoyed you or how true it is, we don't need to give him more reasons to hack the mainframe.

This really should go without saying, but all agents are required to use basic courtesy when interacting with Dr. Banner and not to antagonize him. Furthermore, any warnings from Dr. Banner are to be taken seriously.

No one is to take any dares that interfere with security, safety, or operations. This is a professional workplace, people, even when Stark is here.

Director Fury is not, under any circumstance, to be denied access to coffee or other forms of caffeine.

Pepper Potts is allowed whatever level of security clearance is required to allow her to make Stark clean up his own damn mess.

The mishandling of vintage trading cards is no excuse for attempting to strangle a superior.

Whoever stole an Ipod from Jane Foster's intern is to return it NOW. She's still mad and has somehow teamed up with both Stark and Captain Rogers. Seriously, I don't care how much paperwork returning the damn mp3 player will take; this needs to end.

I can't believe I actually have to say this, but the Asgardian destroyer gun is not a toy. Anyone found using it for unauthorized purposes will face severe consequences.

Field agents investigating unusual events are not to introduce themselves as the SCP Foundation, even if it does make some questionings go more smoothly.

The intercom is for communication purposes, not for playing "Here Come the Men in Black" through the entire base.

JARVIS is not to be addressed as GLaDOS or Hal. His personality, including his sense of humor, was designed by Tony Stark. Stop tempting fate.

Whoever has been playing Yakkety Yak over the intercom when a prisoner escapes is to knock it off and help apprehend said prisoner.

Any future instances of a mutant lizard-man rampaging in New York City are to be treated as matters of importance. There WILL be an investigation into why a kid had to handle it this time.

Any agents found deliberately antagonizing Dr. Banner are to be taken off of assignments and given a thorough psychological evaluation.

I'M SERIOUS! LEAVE THE MAN ALONE!