moments that the words don't reach
The mortal remains of Anakin Organa-Solo burnt on his funeral pyre. Ben Organa-Solo watched as the fire consumed his brother's body. He felt raw, skinned alive, as if he were on the pyre himself.
He could not summon any tears, but his fists shook. His shields were tightly locked, hiding his anger that would have screamed across the Force. He could only clench his fists tighter, hating.
The only emotion left, it seemed. One he shouldn't feel—but one he couldn't stop.
Tahiri was crying, her eyes red rimmed, gripping the edge of her cloak as silent tears fell, she looked numb, still in disbelief. It had seemed so fast. Anakin had sacrificed himself, for all of them. His last whispering words, Ben had felt, all the pain flickered, a guttering candle to him, he closed his eyes, feeling Anakin's presence as he died again.
"I had to—I had… right… the cycle…he killed them...I had to…"
Ahsoka had tried to quiet him in those last moments. She had cradled him in her lap. There was nothing to be done though. He died.
She had carried his body back herself, wrinkled face etched with sorrow and pain. Tahiri howled her grief as it had echoed desperately into the Force.
Ben had felt his brother's death, his final moments.
Those flames should be consuming him. Not Anakin…
His mother and father were there, next to Evaan, and Ben felt that growing Krayt dragon within his chest unwind. They had caused this! They and-Uncle Luke—who stood by Ahsoka at the pyre.
They had all pushed him, knighted him too young, and pressured him into becoming something he wasn't.
They made him a soldier. Now, a martyr.
With his mother's waning popularity, Anakin had been such a blessing, he truly had been adored, and who didn't love the soft spoken but powerful Jedi Knight, who seemed to embody the New Jedi Order and the New Republic's ideals. It helped that so many found him charming.
But, he had been terrified and unready for all the responsibility. Ben had been there-had held him after a nightmare,
"I became him—I became him and I killed you all." Anakin had whispered, small face red with tears, fear falling off him in waves.
"It won't happen." Ben had assured him, wiping tears away, but he hadn't been sure, not entirely.
He hadn't even been there for his brother all that much. Neither had Jaina really. Anakin had been left in the care of Ahsoka and others, on a fortified planet due to the risk of being kidnapped or killed.
The fact was, he hadn't been around for Anakin. He had gone to Coruscant, he had gone off with Uncle Luke and trained. He had seen his brother only so often. Ben hated himself too, he admitted this. But, his parents had decided to let others raise their child, they had decided to leave him—even when Anakin needed them too.
Ben stared at the tears in his father's eyes and hated him even more. Both of them.
They should stop pretending they cared! They never did…no one…no one saw what they were doing!
Anakin had been set up as a sacrificial shaak. They had all…they had all done this to him.
It wasn't fair.
His brother deserved more. He deserved better.
"I am sorry." Release. Breathe.
Ahsoka had gathered the ashes, handing a small urn to his parents, and one to scatter herself.
It was all that was left of his brother, a few ashes and dust. But, he felt, if for a fleeting moment—Anakin, in a breeze that brushed through his hair and rustled the leaves-
"Love you, Ben." A burning image of when Anakin was just a small, giggling mess of brown curls and rosy cheeks, hugging tightly to Ben's middle—and then, just like that, he was gone.
His brother was dead.
His heart ached all the more and the whispering darkness grew as the kindly Snoke placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Get up, boy." Oh no no….tears fell heavy trailing down his cheeks. Pain and fear all boiled together, the heat was dizzying, the sting from the whip on his back, agony again ripped through him as it lashed against his skin, breaking it, burning it. "Please! He won't do it again, he's learned..." a woman desperately pleading, her cries for mercy cut off as the Zygerrian waved the whip threateningly towards her.
"10 lashes, I said, for disobedience." He punctuated his statement with yet another fast blow. Ben howled, and again and again, it was never-ending, the shame, the urge to fight reeling in his chest, he wanted to bite, to tear, desperate and wild. He could not.
A woman was cleaning him up, palms warm and soothing, her belly round with child. He thought to ask, but couldn't. "Sleep." She had whispered, and he obeyed.
Another dream, of another life. Snoke watched idly, knowing that Ben now writhed in his sleep and stank of fear. Snoke was accomplished, for the images he sent of death and ruin to Anakin II had done their job. The boy was dead and his brother had sank all the more into darkness.
He sighed, if only Anakin had embraced power fully, from before he was born, he knew the youngling was a veritable supernova. Perhaps, as powerful as his grandfather, if not more.
Oh well, a loss, but the spare would do. Ben would serve his purpose. He would bow before a Master before long.