A Not So Pleasant Drive, a batman fanfic

Title: A Not So Pleasant Drive

Summary: Alfred finally gives in to tutoring one of the boys in a driving lesson right before their test, but, of course, things can't stay nice and quiet for very long.

Disclaimer: I don't own

This is based off of the many car troubles my friends have. :) I hope you like it. Please review!

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"Young man, you had better be glad that I-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Alfie. Thanks. I get it."

"And remember, you promised to-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll wash dishes."

"And you will-"

"-Do the laundry"

"And-"

"-Actually fix my bed."

"For-"

"-One week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it."

"I trust that you will stick to your vows?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you get in the car already?"

"And you promise not to-"

"No. I won't kill ourselves or anything like that, Alfred! Can you get in the car now?!"

"By jingo. I was just ensuring that we would have a nice, pleasant, and most of all safe drive this evening."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in already"

Slam.

"Okay, make sure you-"

"-Check the mirrors. I know."

"And be sure that you-"

"Buckle my seatbelt." Click. "Yeah, I get it, Alfie. Can you leave me alone?"

"Well, I wasn't the one who begged me to come along on this drive, and I expect you to do it right."

"Yeah, okay."

"Young man, don't have an attitude with me."

"…"

"Well?"

"I'm waiting for you to give me permission to start the car, since you obviously are going to take this step by step."

"Do not be ridiculous. I want this to be a nice-"

"-And pleasant drive and yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Vroom.

…

Vroom.

…

Vroom.

…

"By George! What do you think you are doing?"

"I dunno! I'm just trying to start the-"

"It's not like the key to the door! You're not supposed to take it out!"

"Oh, oops. Sorry, I forgot."

"How could you- oh never mind. Do carry on."

Vroooooom…

…

"Well, I guess this is quite a good start. Quite better than I expected it to be."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, Alfie."

"Young man, if you are going to be in a sour mood, I think we should go straight back to the manor."

"I'm fine, Alfred."

"By George, if Master-"

"Well he's not here right now! Can we just focus on-"

"I beg your pardon? I believe you are the one who needs to focus. Focus on the road, that is."

"…"

"Don't run into that-"

Bump.

"-Sign. You really should pay attention more often. You had better be glad that I suggested taking the back roads."

"Aaah, it's just a stupid 'children at play' sign. No one pays attention to them. Anyways, we can pay for it."

"I know you may think differently, but the Wayne family does not exactly have all the money in the world. The next time I here about a child getting hit by a car on the news, I know who to blame."

"You say that like they report children getting run over by cars on the news every day… They'd probably get mugged later on anyways."

"Excuse me?!"

"What?! I'm just stating the facts!"

"…"

"Let's turn on the radio."

Sigh.

"What?! You're not exactly the most fun person to go on a drive with!"

"Well, I am not the one who asked me to-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, Alfie."

Click.

Truth be told I miss you. And truth be told I'm lyin'. When you see my face, I hope it gives you-

Click.

"Hey! I was listenin' to that!"

"I cannot believe what has become of the adolescents and the music they listen to these days. What had ever happened to Beethoven or-"

"Well they died, Alfie. That's what happened to them. They just died."

Click.

Somebody told me, that you had a boyfriend, that looked like a girlfriend, that I had in-

Click.

"My my!"

"Alfie!"

Click.

One night and one more time! Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great. He tastes like-

Click.

"Alfie!"

"I am trying to find something decent to listen to."

Click.

Yeeeeaaaah! It's a party in the USA! I put my hands up-

"Please change it."

"Don't worry."

Click.

I like that Boom Boom Pow! Them chickens jackin' my style! They try to copy my swagger! I'm on that next-

Click.

"Alfred! I swear, if you-"

"By George! I did not raise you to swear!"

Click.

This used to be a funhouse! But now it's full of evil clowns-

Click.

"Alfred!"

Click.

Womanizer! Womanizer! Womanizer! Womanizer!

Click.

"Alfie!"

I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed-

Click.

"Alfiiiieee!"

Click.

"Well, I cannot find anything decent to listen to."

"You don't have to listen to it! You can ignore it!"

"I think not."

"What am I supposed to listen to then?!"

"Why, the sounds of nature, of course. What could be better than listening to the birds chirp and the-"

"How am I supposed to listen to them in the car?!"

"Why, you have to concentrate, of course. If you would just stop and listen to the world around you, you can find quite amazing-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever, Alfie. I'm headed back home."

"Already? We haven't even driven that far. How am I supposed to aid you in-"

"Whatever, Alfie. Just forget it. This is exactly why I get someone like Leslie or someone to ride with me."

"Well, if Master-"

"He's not here right now, Alfie! We're going home!"

"By jingo."

"…"

"What is 'swagger'?"

"Ugh…"

"…"

"Don't run into that-"

Bump.

"-Sign. You really do work on that. How do you expect to get your license if you knock over every sign you see?"

"Aaah, it's just one of those 'yield' signs. No one knows what they mean anyways."

"…How are you going to pass?"

"It's called 'retaking', Alfie. Anyways, we can pay for that sign too."

"Young man, the Wayne family is not made up of money."

"That's not what the newspaper says."

"But who inherits?"

"…Whatever, Alfie."

"…"

"Watch out for that-"

Screeeeech…

"By George! You almost ran over that child."

"Almost, Alfie, almost. The kid will live. What dimwit drops their pogo stick in the middle of the road anyways?"

"Now do you see the importance of 'children at play' signs?"

"Yeah, whatever."

"…"

"You do know that I still expect you to do the-"

"-Do the dishes, the laundry, and actually fix my bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Alfie. I get it."

"By George."

…

"You do not realize how joyous I am to reach home in one piece."

"Yeah, whatever, and no one uses the word 'joyous'."

Slam.

"Ah… it is quite pleasant to feel unmoving ground beneath my feet again."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Now, if you are in a sour mood, I can always extend that one week of chores into two."

"…"

"There are a few baskets of clothes in the laundry room that needs to be-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it, Alfie."

"…"

"Um, sir

"What?"

"It wasn't a nice and quiet drive as I expected, but it was quite…interesting."

"…"

"Alfie."

"Yes, Master Bruce?"

"Thanks, and I really do mean it."

"…You are very welcome Master Bruce. Now let's see if you can pass that driving test tomorrow."

"Haha. Funny."

"Just remember, you'll have to go through this too when you have children of your own."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"You never know, Master Bruce. You may have a boy just like yourself, maybe even two."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Don't forget to fix your bed!"

"Whatever."

"Don't give me attitude, young man…"

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I hope you liked it. Please review! :)

Here are all the songs that were used:

Gives You Hell – The All American Rejects

Somebody Told Me – The Killers

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs – Fall Out Boy

Party in the USA – Miley Cyrus

Boom Boom Pow – The Black Eyed Peas

Funhouse – P!nk

Womanizer – Brittney Spears

Dance Dance – Fall Out Boy