DISCLAIMER : I own none of the Cats or Buffy characters. They are property of Andrew Loyde Webber and Joss Whedon. I am only using them for this fan fiction.
Buffy Meets the Cats
A Fan Fiction by Shelby O'Connor
Willow- Did you see that, Buffy? I staked one! Yay for me!
Xander- Don't forget about me, Wil. I dusted one myself.
Buffy- You two both did great. Who wants a pizza? It's on me.
Willow/Xander- (raise their hands together)
Buffy- I think we can cut through this junkyard. We can get there faster.
Tugger/Bombi- (sitting together on the giant tire making out :P)
Tugger- (pulls away from Bombi) I think humans are coming.
Bombi- Act normal though I know that may be hard for you.
Tugger- (gives Bombi the death glare)
Willow/Xander/Buffy- (walk into the junkyard and notice the two cats sitting on the tire)
Willow- KITTY! (runs and picks up Tugger)
Tugger- Don't mess up the fur. I just groomed it.
Willow- (looks surprised and drops Tugger)
Tugger/Bombi- (hiss and run away)
Willow/Xander/Buffy- (look flabbergasted)
Xander- Hey, Buff, I'm getting a bit curious. Off to the shadows to eavesdrop!
Alonzo/Victoria/Pouncival/ Many Other Cats That The Author Does Not Feel Like Listing- (sneak out into the junkyard for some midnight mischief)
Tumblebrutus- Lets go and put some of Tugger's catnip in Munkustap's fur! He'd be up all night!
Pounceival- I say we steal Skimble's vest!
Tugger- I say we look to the left and see the humans that are eavesdropping.
All Cats- (heads turn to the left in unison)
Demeter- MACAVITY! (runs and hits the oven knocking herself out)
Quaxo- We really need to do something about our awareness. I can smell that tacky perfume the blonde one is wearing from a mile away.
Buffy- Hey! Watch it!
Xander- Woah! Talking cats! I think we can use this to our advantage Buff. We should… um…. uh… we should (looks up) LINE!
Author- (runs out barefoot wearing a shirt that says "Bite Me Spike" and pajama pants covered in cat eyes… hands Xander a script and points to a line)
Xander- Oh. Okay. Wait a minute. We should have you guys help us prevent the apocalypse?
Author- Xander, it is 9:30pm. Give me a break. I'm only 12.
Jemima- You're a young little writer aren't you? (puts on her innocent/creepy face)
Pouncival- (looks at Jemima's face) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MY EYES (runs around in circles spazzing until he runs into the oven and lands on top of Demeter… yay… two down)
Author- NOT LITTLE! I'm 5 foot 10!
Buffy- HEY, that is sooooooo not fair. (stands up next to the Author and is about six inches shorter)
Author- Alrighty then. Back to the story. (runs away)
Xander- (sighs) We should (pauses and looks at script again) have you guys help us prevent the apocalypse. (pulls out lighter and sets the script on fire) OOOOOOOOOH, pretty!
All- (stare at Xander)
Xander- Sorry.
Tugger- Um… Sure… we could help, I guess.
Pouncival (wakes up)
Bombi- Shouldn't we get Munkustrap and tell him we're leaving?
Etcetera- Nah, let him worry. And lets leave Pouncival and Demeter here too. We don't need anymore spazzes than we already have.
All- (look at Xander and Pouncival… smirk evilly)
Xander- Shut up.
Pouncival- (points to the right) Screw you guys. I'm going home (YAY FOR CARTMAN AND SOUTHPARK… turns around and walks back into the oven and knocks himself out once again… yay)
Willow- And we're off!
All- (skip off merrily out of the junkyard)
Xander- Food break. (run into a Subway and comes out like two seconds later with his arms full of sandwiches… throws meatball subs at Buffy and Willow and tuna subs to all of the cats… all sit and feast)
Spike- (walks out of Subway) Well hey!
Author- (runs back out and gives Spike a rib breaking hug)
Spike- Uh… hi. Will you please stop hugging me?
Author- (lets go of the very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very … ack… fingers can't type a single word that much… very handsome vampire and walks into subway to get a bag of Sun Chips)
Willow- And once again, we're off!
All- (continue skipping)
Plato- I'm tired. Is there a close by Holiday Inn?
Tugger- (throws Plato a bag of catnip) You'll never sleep again.
Bombi- That explains a lot.
Victoria- How many of those things do you have Tugger?
Tugger- (looks sheepish) Enough.
Mungo- If Jenny ever found out…
Tugger- I don't want to think about that so please don't bring it up.
Rumpel- If Jenny ever found out…
Mungo- If Jenny ever found out…
Rumpel- If Jenny ever found out…
Mungo- If Jenny ever found out…
Rumpel- If Jenny ever found out…
Tugger- (takes out a one and a half pound bag catnip and walks to the front of the group)
Spike- (is telling one of his heroic stories) So after that I… (ground falls away and Spike falls into a pit)
Bodiless Voice That Sounds Strangely Like The Author (BVTSSLTA)- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (gasps) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (typing is heard and then followed by maniacal laughter)
All- (fall into ditch) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…
BVTSSLTA- MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… if Blondie Bear suffers so do all!
All- (falling through darkness) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…
Mistoffolees- What are we doing? (raises hands and all are transported into a cozy looking computer room filled with pictures of The Rum Tum Tugger, Pouncival, Sirius Black, Spike, and Johnny Depp)
Tugger/Spike- (looks around at the walls with a horrified looks on their faces)
Author- (spins around and minimizes the window playing the CATS DVD… runs out of the office and into her room (which is also covered in pictures of people/cats listed above)
Tugger- This chick's got a problem.
Spike- Tell me about it. (spots the Authors life-size cut out of himself, Spike… eyes go wide) Oh crap.
Author- (runs through the bathroom into the guest room… out the door… down the hallway…. Back into the computer room and types "All- (disappear and reappear in the Author's junior high science lab)")
All- (disappear and reappear in the Author's junior high science lab)
BVTSSLTA- I'm just going to skip ahead to the apocalypse.
All- (stare at the ceiling)
Bombi- How does she do that?
Macavity- (jumps up from behind a desk)
Demeter's Bodyless Voice- MACAVITY!
All- (looks scared because of all of the bodiless voices)
Tugger- HOLY SH…
BVTSSLTA- This fanfic is rated PG, Tugger. You break that rule I might just fire you.
Tugger- You would never do that.
BVTSSLTA- I know.
Tugger- HOLY CRAP!
BVTSSLTA- That's better
Macatity- Anyway…
Buffy- Who are you?
Bombi- What are you doing here?
Macavity- My name is…
Demeter's Bodiless Voice- MACAVITY!
All- (look up at the ceiling again)
Macavity- Yeah. What she said. And to answer your question, Bombalurina, I'm stealing one of the science teacher's guinea pigs. I hear that they can feed four!
Mungo- Hey, were you at the mall the other day? Because that is what I told Rumpel and the Author when we were at the pet store!
Macavity- Maybe.
Willow- Wait a minute, you know the Author?
Mungo/Runpel- Yeah, she's a good friend of ours.
Victoria- I know her too.
Plato- TRAITORS!
Victoris/Mungo/Rumpel- (run out of the classroom and into the drama room and hide behind the breakfast bar)
Plato- COME BACK! I WAS ONLY JOKEING! We lose more kittens that way. (shakes his head)
Buffy- (looks up at the ceiling) Why are we here?
BVTSSLTA- (typing is heard) RUN MY PRETTIES! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mice- (run wild from the storage closet)
All Cats- (go crazy and chase the mice)
Buffy/Willow/Xander- (scream and jump up on one of the desks)
Spike- (only non-cat left standing on the floor) Oh you bleeding pansies. (looks up)Mice? Why Mice?
BVTSSLTA- Writers block. Sorry, Blondie Bear, you'll just to have to let the singing and dancing felines take care of it.
Tumblebrutus- I can live with that. (pounces on a mouse and rips it to shreds devouring it)
All Cats- (finish rounding up all of the mice)
Misto- Revenge is sweet. (raises hands and all are magically transported back to the Author's computer room)
Author- (on the phone with her best friend, Juli) So we were watching after the kids then Travis… HOLY SH…
Juli/Tugger- Hey hey hey…
Author- CRAP!
Juli- What's wrong now Shelby? Did your printer run out of ink yet today?
Author/Shelby (A/S)- Um… the people/cats in the fanfic I'm writing have come to kill me. Can I put you on speakerphone?
Juil- Sure. You know what's amazing Shelby?
A/S- What?
Juli- How you can watch vampires and singing/dancing felines for hours on end but you can't even listen to your best friend for eight seconds?
A/S- Huh? I lost me at hours.
Juli- My point exactly. Did you take you A.D.D. pill today?
Xander- (lunges at A/S)
A/S- Maybe. (kicks Xander in the crotch making him double over… straps phone onto belt which happens to have a Bombalurina tail tied to the back of it… runs outside)
All Cats- (pounces on A/S)
A/S- (takes a bag of catnip out of her pocket… rips it open… and throw it in the grass)
All Cats- (chase after catnip and go totally nuts)
Juli- Are you doing anything next week?
A/S- I'm going to Mexico.
Willow- (casts spell at A/S)
Juli- Fun fun fun.
A/S- Oh so much. (dodges spell) Hey look! There is a demon stabbing a girl to death down there by the stop sign!
Willow- You can't be serious. We wouldn't believe that.
A/S- No. I'm not. This is Sirius. (opens the garage door and there is Sirius Black playing with A/S's dog)
Spike/Tugger- (look at A/S and run)
A/S- Aw… why did they run away? Oh well… I'll get them later.
Juli- How you doing Shelby?
A/S- I think I'm winning. Hold on, Juli, I'll call you back.
Juli- Okay. I'll make brownies! Bye.
A/S- (turns off phone and throws it at Willows head sending the spell she was about to cast right towards Buffy)
Buffy- (knocked out by Willow's spell)
Willow- (knocked out by the phone's blow to her head)
Xander- (playing with A/S's phenomenal collection of Harry Potter Legos) The colors!
All Cats- (still in the grass going crazy witch the catnip)
Spike/Tugger- (now running across Georgia)
Dorthy- Todo, (looks around) I don't think we're in Kansas anymore! (suddenly attacked by munchkins… yay) HOLY CRAP!
Johnny Depp- (sitting on the couch reading my fanfic) This is bizarre.
A/S- (appears next to Johnny on his couch and gives him the same rib breaking hug as she did to Spike and then disappears again)
Johnny- I need to drink less caffeine.
A/S- (sits back down at her computer and starts to type again)
All But A/S- (disappear and go back to where they were before this ever happened and they don't remember a thing… yay… my but is saved)
A/S- (walks outside and picks up phone… walks back inside… and calls Juli back)
Juli- Hi.
A/S- Hi. So… how are those brownies coming?