Chapter 1: Soma: The Idiot's Guide to Screwing Up
7/2
Okay, so that idiot Cyrus genius Cyrus is forcing me to requesting that I keep a log of all the group's illegal dealings perfectly legal activities.
-Soma
You do know I go back and check these, right? I took the liberty of fixing your... grammatical errors while I was at it. And please don't say things like 'illegal dealings.' People will wonder what we're up to.
-Cyrus
Idiot Cyrus isn't 'grammatical error,' it's fact. And I'm wondering what we're up to.
-Soma
7/5
The Almighty Cyrus is requesting that I retrieve a 'black lamp' from a 'little peddler's shop' for no apparent reason other than to tick me off. Does he even know how many little shops sell black lamps?
-Soma
A) When I said 'little peddler's shop,' I meant the peddler was little, not the shop.
B) I am aware how many shops are currently selling selling black lamps. That's why I sent you. I knew that, with your shopping skills, you'd be able to pick out the exact lamp I'm looking for. And twenty others while you're at it. Me and Adam just don't have that kind of talent.
-Cyrus
"You had better thank me for this one, Cyrus," I hissed as I tossed him the lamp he had wanted so desperately. He smirked.
"Did you have much trouble?" he asked quite cockily.
"No," I answered with a scowl. "Turns out only one little peddler in all of Agrabah is currently selling black lamps. Lucky me. It was my wallet that had the trouble."
Cyrus's smirk faded instantly. "Your wallet?"
I nodded. "Yeah, it's 8000 munny short. And [i]your[/i] wallet is gonna be it's doctor and fix it right up, right?"
Suddenly, he was yelling. "Soma, you idiot! You were supposed to steal it!"
. . .
"What?"
"Steal! Nick! Borrow without permission! Take [i]without[/i] paying 8000 munny!"
"Well, you didn't mention that..."
"I didn't think I needed to! Especially with that sort of price!"
"Well, maybe if you'd fill me in on the plan next time..."
"Well, maybe if you would use you head next time!"
"My head told me not to steal, nick, borrow without permission, or take without paying when Prince Aladdin was standing right there!"
Now, he yelled even louder. "Prince Aladdin was there?!"
I nodded. "Yeah, like, three feet away. And, though I probably could have pulled it off, I'm not about to steal anything right out from underneath his nose. I like my right hand."
"Soma, you should've just left!"
"Well, you're the one who wanted it so badly!" Now we were both yelling.
"Not if Prince Aladdin knows we have it!"
"What does that have anything to do with it?!"
"Do you have any idea why that lamp costs so much?!"
"Uhm, because the little turban guy is a lousy cheat?"
"It's a genie lamp," came a voice from the corner. I turned two wide eyes to Adam, where he had been silently watching the fight until then, then turned them back on Cyrus.
"Adam?" I asked in a low voice. "Cyrus, you told Adam, but you didn't tell me? Your best friend?!"
"Look, Soma, I--"
"What? Meant to tell me? Yeah, thanks, maybe I should add that to your stupid log, too!"
"Soma, I didn't tell Adam! Adam told me!"
. . .
"What?"
Cyrus sighed. "The other day, Adam learned that a genie lamp was being sold in Agrabah, so I sent you to steal it before anybody else could buy it."
"Oh..." I muttered. "So, what is a genie lamp, anyway? And what does it have to do with Prince Aladdin?"
"Ohmygosh," Cyrus complained in a very 'you're hopeless' voice.
7/6
Because Prince Aladdin saw me buying the lamp off of that stupid peddler, Cyrus has ordered me to find a safe place to stash it until he can think of his three wishes.
-Soma
And make sure you're not seen this time. It would be a pain in the butt to have to go hide it myself when you're the one who's supposed to be good at the sneaky stuff like this.
-Cyrus
"Come on, Lionel."
"Soma, I said no once, don't make me say it again."
"It'll just be for a while! You can stick it underneath your bed and forget all about it until I come back for it!"
"Soma, what part of 'no' don't you understand?"
"The n?"
Lionel rolled his eyes at me. "Look, I'm not going to hide that little box and whatever might be in it from the prince! I like you, Soma, but only sort of. That's not enough to go to jail for you."
"But you won't go to jail!" I insisted. "Just keep it hidden and no one need know you have it!"
Lionel hesitated - I took advantage of this, seeing it as a sign of weakness.
"It'll only be for a little while, anyway! It's nearly impossible to trace this little package back to you, and, believe me, I went to some pretty great lengths to make sure of it."
He hesitated again. Then he sighed. "I'm sorry, Soma, but no. I just... Give it up."
Then he shut the door in my face. I scowled. "Well, screw you, then," I muttered as I turned to leave.
"HEY, YOU!"
I spun around, slowly, feeling my heart beating very hard. That couldn't be... It was. "Holy-" was all I had time to say before I broke into the fastest run I had ever run in my entire life. I ran this way, that way, into walls, down back alleys, trying my absolute best to avoid any guards, until I was thoroughly lost and fell back against a wall to catch my breath. This genie lamp thing was turning out to be more trouble than it was worth.
Just as I was considering giving the lamp back to Cyrus and telling him to hide the thing himself, and very loud, ringing voice yelled "FOUND HER!" and a big blue guy popped up right in front of me. I jumped to my feet. The prince came sprinting down the alley, breathless, looking at me with big eyes.
Yep, I was screwed.
Of all the things someone could teach you, screwing up is one of the easiest. All you have to do is take either the noun or the verb and flip it to it's opposite. For example:
Order: Harm your enemy.
If you flip the verb: Help your enemy.
If you flip the noun: Harm your friend.
You should never flip both the noun and the verb to it's opposite or you get: Help your friend, which is definitely not the opposite of what you were supposed to be doing.
Unfortunately, although screwing up is so easy, it is often thought of as something you should try your best to avoid.
Thanks for reading! Reviews are loved!