DISCLAIMER : I do not own and of these characters. They are the property of the creaters of Harry Potter, Oh My Goddess, and Kat. I am only using them for my fanfiction.
Goddess, Convict, Demon, and Beach
A Fan Fiction by Shelby O'Connor
The lines for Sirius were done by- Me (Shelby)
Jupiter were done by- Kat
U.R.D.- Soulless
Now we shall begin.
U.R.D.- Wheeeeeeeeee…
Jupiter- U.R.D., are you a human?
U.R.D.- (laughs) No. I'm a Goddess. I'm and evil Goddess.
Jupiter- Darn, I wanted dinner.
Sirius: That's gross.
U.R.D.- I eat humans too!
Jupiter- Ah, so we have something in common.
Sirius- I eat actual food.
U.R.D.- I ate one for lunch today, a human I mean.
Sirius- Lunch? Um, let's see, I ate a PBJ for lunch.
Jupiter- Hmmm, so you're a human?
Sirius- Yeah, wait, you both eat human? Woah! That's not good. (tremble) You stay away from me. Both of you.
U.R.D.- Wheeeeeeeee, I mean, yay!
Jupiter- You like saying "Wheeeeeeeeee" don't you?
U.R.D.- I love saying "Wheeeeeeeeeee." It's what I do.
Jupiter- I'm hungry. But don't worry, human, I won't eat you.
Sirius- (sits huddled in a corner from the other two) Evil person.
U.R.D.- (sits on a couch)
Jupiter- I'm not a person, I'm a demon.
U.R.D.- (watches T.V.)
Sirius- Evil demon.
U.R.D.- (throws a boot)
Jupiter- (boot hits his head) Ouch!
U.R.D.- Oops!
Jupiter- Hey, watch were you're throwing your boot! That hurt. (rubs bump on his head)
Sirius- What are you watching, U.R.D.?
U.R.D.- "X Play."
Sirius- Huh?
U.R.D.- It's a show on "Tech T.V." It's about games.
Sirius- I've never heard of it.
Jupiter- Me neither, even though I watch"G4"
U.R.D.- It comes on "B4 Anime Unleashed" at 10 or 11 I think.
Sirius- Riiight.
Jupiter- What is your name, Human?
Sirius- (gets up from his corner) Um, Sirius, Sirius Black.
Jupiter- Nice to meet you, Sirius. (extends hand/claw thingy)
Sirius- (quickly runs back to his corner)
U.R.D.- (starts to eat a bag of chips) Ewwwwwwww! What am I doing?
Sirius- Getting fat.
Jupiter- You aren't eating a human? Blasphemy!
U.R.D.- Ahhhhhhhhhhhh… (runs on a treadmill)
Jupiter- Don't worry. I don't think Goddesses get fat, do they.
U.R.D.- No. I guess not. (pours blood on chips) Mmmmmmmmmm…
Sirius- (passes out from sight of U.R.D. eating bloody chips)
Jupiter- Hey, don't be holding out on me. Where did you get that blood? (licks his lips)I'm thirsty.
U.R.D.- It's from my vile.
Jupiter- Yo, can I have some?
U.R.D.- Yes indeedy.
Jupiter- Thanks a bunch.
U.R.D.- (hands Jupiter her blood vile)
Jupiter- Ahhhhhh, that's better. drains the vile I'm defiantly not going to eat Sirius now.
Sirius- (revives and faints again at the sight of Jupiter drinking from U.R.D.'s blood vile)
U.R.D.- (sits back on couch drinking bloody chips) Mmmmmmmmmm… (gets up and begins to poke Sirius)
Sirius- (wakes up and runs back into his corner to prevent U.R.D.'s poking)
U.R.D.- (Throws candy bar at Sirius) Wheeeeeeeeeeeee… Candy!
Jupiter- (smiles revealing very sharp fangs)
Sirius- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (jumps up and runs out of the room)
U.R.D.- I loooooooooove candy. And some human foods. But I mostly eat plain old humans.
Jupiter- You're lucky. I would like to try some human foods. But I can only eat humans themselves.
U.R.D.- Why is that?
Sirius- (pokes head back into the room but quickly pulls it out because of the conversation going on between the Goddess and the demon.)
Jupiter- I don't know.
U.R.D.- I see.
Jupiter- Damn it, the human keeps running away. (walks outside and drags Sirius back into the room) I guess it's been that way ever since I was released from my prison.
U.R.D.- Oh.
Sirius- (struggles against Jupiter's strong grip on his robes… Jupiter finally lets go and he then goes and sits in a large arm chair)
U.R.D.- Ah, Sirius is back.
Sirius- Yes, I'm back. (cough) Unfortunately. (cough)
U.R.D.- Wahoo! Something to eat. (throws confetti)
Sirius- What's that?
U.R.D.- Just kidding. (smiles revealing very white/shiny teeth)
Sirius- Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… (gets up out of his chair and begins to run than suddenly stops) Oh. Wait. (sits back down)
U.R.D.- Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. I need a smoke. (walks over to one side of the room and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter)
Jupiter- I need to go get some food before I have to eat Sirius.
Sirius- (looks up with a worried look)
Jupiter- I'll be right back. (walks out of the room)
U.R.D.- It's okay Sirius. He was kidding. You have to stop being so paranoid.
Sirius- (looks back down)
Jupiter- (returns with his arm full of human limbs… starts chomping on a leg)
U.R.D.- Hey, let me have some.
Jupiter- (hands an arm to U.R.D.) Here.
U.R.D.- (takes a drag of her cigarette) Thanks.
Sirius- I'm… um… I'm going to go. (edges to the doorway and then breaks into a run)
U.R.D.- (stares at Sirius for a few seconds then begins to eat the arm)
Jupiter- (drinks blood from leg) Mmmmmm. Tasty.
U.R.D.- (puts out her cigarette)
Jupiter- (shouts) SIRIUS. I'M NOT GOIN TO EAT YOU. COME BACK INTO THE ROOM RIGHT NOW OR I MIGHT JUST RECONSIDER!
U.R.D.- (shout) NEATHER AM I!
Jupiter- (shouts) SEE, SIRIUS? NEATHER OF US ARE GOIN TO EAT YOU!
Sirius- (in a faint voice) What?
Jupiter- (screams at the top of his voice) SIRIUS, HERE, NOW!
Sirius- Okay, Okay. Don't have a frckin seizure.
U.R.D.- Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…
Sirius- Will you stop that? Oh my God. You're like a frickin broken record.
U.R.D.-But it's fun. And it's "Oh my Goddess."
Jupiter- It is fun though. See? I shall say Wheeeeeeee… (clears throat) Wheeeeeeeeee…
U.R.D.- We're just ubnoxous.
Sirius- Riiight. Now, Jupiter. I'm curious. What were you saying about a prison earlier?
Jupiter- What? Oh. A prison made by ancients.
Sirius- And…?
Jupiter- I was kept there for centuries
Sirius- Oh, well, I was framed for killing 12 muggles and a wizard. I went to a wizard prison for twelve years. It kind of sucked.
Jupiter- Hmmm, that's a long time for a human.
Sirius- Yeah, kind of is. Especially when you were innocent.
Jupiter- Yes. I understand.
U.R.D.- (sits on a box) I'm bored.
Jupiter- Why are you sitting on a box?
Sirius- Yeah. You're a Goddess. Why a box and not an outrageously expensive couch or something?
U.R.D.- Drop it. (stands up and stretches every muscle in her body she can find) I'm going to go to the beach.
Sirius- Okay. You go ahead and do that.
U.R.D.- (walks into a room that Sirius and Jupiter didn't think was ever there and changes into her bathing suit) Does anyone want to join me perhaps?
Jupiter- I'm going with her. (leaves through the same door as U.R.D. to change)
Sirius- (mutters to himself) Yes, they are finally gone. No more evil demon or that chaos chick. Ack, I'm bored now. I guess I'll come to.
U.R.D.- (storms out of her changing room) You son of a bitch!
Sirius- Oh boy. What did I do now?
U.R.D.- Goddess ears don't miss much. How dare you call me a chaos chick. I'm gonna eat you!
Sirius- On second thought, I think I might just sit this one out. (runs out of the room)
U.R.D.- (follows Sirius and punches him in the gut)
Sirius- Holy shit. I never knew a girl could punch.
U.R.D.- Yeah? Well, I'm not just any little girl. You bastard. (walks back into the room and leaves Sirius in the hall.)
U.R.D.- (goes to escalade) let's go
Jupiter- Yeah. There are more humans to snack on at the beach.
Sirius- Oh no you don't. (returns to room with a wand in hand) STUPIFY (spell hits Jupiter square in the chest and knocks him back a couple of steps)
Jupiter- (shakes off spell) Well, that was, um, strange. (gets into escalade)
Sirius- (grabs recently stolen Firebolt and flies after the other two)
U.R.D.- (parks escalade and turns on the car alarm than walks on to the beach)
Sirius- (lands) Freaks. (kicks a nice big dent in the escalade than catches up with the two man-eaters)
U.R.D.- (jumps into the air and bites Sirius) That's for stunning Jupiter! (licks up the blood that splattered her face)
Sirius- HOLY SHIT (looks at the bite given to him by U.R.D.)
Jupiter- You bit the human?
U.R.D.- It wasn't me!
Sirius- SHE BIT ME! DID YOU SEE THAT? SHE BIT ME! HOLY SHIT!
Jupiter- She bit you where?
U.R.D.- I bit him on the arm. Don't be a freak.
Jupiter- I wasn't being a freak. I was just asking.
Sirius- (takes out his wand and points at his arm while muttering a spell… his arm is immediately mended)
Jupiter- (grabs unsuspecting human and rips off his head) Well, time for a snack. I'm hungry.
U.R.D.- I want the heart!
Jupiter- (hands heart to U.R.D.)Here you go.
U.R.D.- Thanks bunches. (slowly eats heart) Mmmmmm… Juicy! The heart is my absolute favorite part of every meal.
Jupiter- (rips out the lungs of the headless human) I favor the lungs. (takes a bite) Mmmmmmmm… Chewy!
Sirius- (walks over to concession stand and buys a hotdog) I like ketchup.
U.R.D.- You know? Those are made of humans too.
Sirius- Never mind. (tosses hotdog into near by trash can)
Jupiter- I would like to have some of that ketchup. I heard that it tastes kind of like warm blood.
Sirius- Um, here. Help yourself. (hands a bottle of ketchup to Jupiter)
U.R.D.- My goddess! Jupiter, you ate that candy bar that I threw at Sirius, you pig! Human food is full of fat you know.
Sirius- (laughs) Fatso.
Jupiter- What's that, little human?
Sirius- Wait! I take that back. Please don't hurt me.
Jupiter- (squirts ketchup into his mouth) Well, I've learned that candy bars are not the only human food that is edible.
U.R.D.- Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…
Jupiter- (eats the rest of the ketchup including the bottle)
U.R.D.- (flies into the air and dives straight into the water) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…
Sirius- Brass monkey, that funky monkey. Brass monkey, junkie, that funky monkey. Whew. Glad I got that out of my system.
U.R.D.- Alrightly then. (takes a few steps away from Sirius and his love for the Beastie Boys)
Jupiter- WATER! (runs down the beach… rips of an arm from a near by man and starts chomping on it while jumping into the water) WAHOO!
U.R.D.- WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I love the beach!
Jupiter- GIVE ME A WOOHOO! GIVE ME A WOOT!
Sirius- You know? Blood attracts sharks and sharks eat things. Not just human things.
U.R.D.- I eat sharks too. Sharks no eat me.
Jupiter- I've never eaten sharks before.
U.R.D.- (grabs a shark out of the water and rips off its tail)
Jupiter- Well, I guess we're having shark for dinner.
Sirius- (sits on the shore watching U.R.D. eat the shark) That's disgusting.
Jupiter- (gets out of the water) Yo, U.R.D., catch me one of those.
U.R.D.- (blasts a shark out of the water and levitates it towards Jupiter on the shore) There you go, Jupiter.
Jupiter- (starts to eat the shark) Thanks.
U.R.D.- Hey, Sirius, do you want me to get you one?
Sirius. (goes back to the concession stand and buys a bag of chips) No thanks. I'll stick with these. (sits down on the shore and opens the bag of chips)
U.R.D.- (blasts another shark out of the water and cuts a large hole in it and then buries her face in the hole)
Sirius- Don't Goddesses have manners?
U.R.D.- (eats innards of shark) No.
Sirius- Oh. Okay. (slowly continues eating his chips)
Jupiter- (rips of a human's arm) Human and shark's blood. Mmmmmmmm… Tasty!
Sirius- That's an interesting mixture, Jupiter.
Jupiter- (smiles) It's good!
Sirius- That's nice. (goes and gets a Coke)
U.R.D.- (sees a child running by and rips his skin off like s suit and the child keeps running until he falls screaming in agony… then eats the skin) Mmmmmmmmm…
Jupiter- May I have some?
U.R.D.- Certainly. (rips the skin in half and give one half to Jupiter)
Jupiter- Thank you.
Sirius- (walks back from the concession) You know? That's murder.
U.R.D.- I know. But it's sooooooo good. You should try some.
Sirius- Um, no I'm fine.
Jupiter- (eats his half) It's tender. Yum!
Sirius- My God! It's like "Jaws" the next generation. So many people being eaten and all of them being at the beach.
U.R.D.- For the last time. It's "My Goddess."
Sirius- Whatever.
U.R.D.- (takes her third bite off in the skin and licks her lips) I'm stuffed.
Sirius- I wonder why I haven't puked yet.
U.R.D.- (runs like the wind and stuffs the rest of her child skin into his mouth… laughs hysterically… runs like hell back to Jupiter)
Jupiter- (laughs manically along with U.R.D.)
Sirius- (swallows the skin and looks disgusted) Wait. Here we go. (runs over to a trash can and pukes into it)
U.R.D.- (falls to the floor and keeps laughing)
Jupiter- That was hilarious U.R.D.!
Sirius- (returns wiping his mouth) It was not.
U.R.D.- (starts o cry from laughing so hard) Okay. (giggles) I'm done. heaves a sigh which lasts for like 5 minutes
Sirius- I would like to see you be a human for a day, U.R.D. It's not quite lilies and daffodils for me to be here right now.
U.R.D.- I was a human.
Sirius- Oh really?
U.R.D.- I was good my whole life. Then I died and became a Goddess. Now I'm having fun.
Sirius- Yeah? Well, I was trapped in a prison for 12 years. Not fun.
Jupiter- So, U.R.D., why are you an evil Goddess?
Sirius- Yes. Why?
U.R.D.- First of all, I feel freer being evil.
Jupiter- You mean "More free."
U.R.D.- Sure. Whatever. Second of all, There are less rules.
Sirius- Stop bragging.
U.R.D.- What do you mean? I'm not!
Sirius- (talks in a high, girlish voice) "There are less rules. I feel more free being evil." (talks in normal manly voice) Give me a break.
Jupiter- Come on, U.R.D. Give Sirius a break. He was in prison for 12 human years.
U.R.D.- I know. And now he's not. I'm not bragging though. I'm telling the truth. sticks out her tongue and runs back into the water
Sirius- I hope you drown.
U.R.D.- Okay. I will!
Sirius- Go ahead. What are you waiting for?
U.R.D.- (drowns)
Sirius- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ding dong the witch is dead, the witch is dead, the witch is dead. Ding dong the wicked witch is dead.
Jupiter- She can't die you know.
Sirius- (jumps up about 4 feet, stops in mid-air, then lands) Huh?
U.R.D.- (comes back to life) Goddesses are immortal.
Sirius- God damn it. (looks up at the sky) Why? Why must every moment of my life be miserable? (sits down on the sand and starts to hold his breath)
Jupiter- I thinks he's trying to commit suicide.
Sirius- (starts to turn blue)
U.R.D.- You know? You should be a God.
Sirius- (starts to turn purple)
U.R.D.- It could really work for you.
Sirius- (eye pupils begin to grow)
U.R.D.- (walks over to Sirius and slaps him to make him breathe)Call 1-555-GODDESS and they'll hook you up.
Sirius- (gasps) Really? But I'm a guy.
U.R.D.- So?
Sirius- I don't want to be a Goddess. I want to be a God. Isn't there like a 1-555-God?
U.R.D.- No. It's a hotline where you get a Goddess and they grant you one wish.
Sirius- Oh. Hold on. (walks over to a payphone then quickly turns around and walks back.)
U.R.D.- (throws Sirius 50 cents)
Sirius- Thanks. (walk back to the payphone)
U.R.D.- No problemo.
Jupiter- Sooooooooo… Does this really work.
U.R.D.- Yeah. (grabs a small girl and rips her in half)
Sirius- (walks back with a big smile)
Jupiter- You got your wish Sirius? You're a God now?
Sirius- No. I've been freed of all charges. No more Dementors chasing after me!
U.R.D.- Oh. I forgot to you…
Sirius- To tell me what?
U.R.D.- When you call, you have to talk to Belldandy or else you don't get your wish.
Sirius- Damn it. You suck.
Jupiter- That wasn't very kind U.R.D.
U.R.D.- Belldandy or Skud.
Sirius- Who is that?
U.R.D.- Those are my sisters.
Sirius- Oh. Again, you suck.
Jupiter- Sorry. I've got to go. I totally forgot that I was planning to destroy Iceland. I'll see you later.
U.R.D.- Okay, have fun!
Jupiter- Bye.
U.R.D.- Bye. Don't just stand there, Sirius, say bye!
Sirius- (mumbles) Bye.
Jupiter- (runs off)
Sirius- Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo… I'm hungry. I'll be right back. I'm having a craving for Chinese food. Give me ten minutes.
U.R.D.- Okie Dokey!
Sirius- Don't leave. I'm just going for takeout. (walks away)
U.R.D.-(grabs another human and starts to rip off limbs while waiting for Sirius to return)
Sirius- I'm back. (opens up a fortune cookie and eats it throwing away the fortune not bothering to read it)
U.R.D-Hey, I've got to go. I have a meeting scedualed with the devil. You know haw busy us Goddesses are.
Sirius- Um, no, I actually don't. But okay, Bye.
U.R.D.- Bye. I'll make sure I put in a good word about you with Big Red. (disappears in a cloud of pink smoke)
Sirius- I'm all alone. (walks away from the beach slowly than suddenly stops) I wonder what she meant by, (talks in a high girlish voice) "I'll make sure that I put in a good word for you with big red." (continues walking into the distance)
Juli- (walks down the beach holding a leach with a half pound Chihuahua on the end of it) This is my Chihuahua, Ralph.
THE END!
A/N- This was a real conversation between 4 people… Me, Kat, Soulless, and if you look above my best friend, Juli, has one line that she added. This conversation went on wile role playing and it was like 2 and ½ hours long so I hope u liked it. PLEASE REVIEW! IF YOU DON'T… IT MAKES ME SAD --;