v. 1.0 (original): 17/03/01
v. 1.1: 23/03/01
v. 1.2: 08/04/01
v. 2.0: 30/04/01
v. 2.1: 28/05/01
*Curtains draw*
glitcher: (arrives on stage) G'day, fellow fan fiction members. I'm glitcher, the author of this fan fic, and I must say it's a real pleasure to be with all of you today.
Members: (applause)
glitcher: Let me just explain how I went about creating this story. I got a little tired of writing serious fics all the time, so I thought I'd try my luck with a comedy for once. And so I went searching around www.fanfiction.net browsing through various comedies, seeing which ones were the best and trying to figure out what tickles people's funny bone. When I gathered enough information, I compiled all the best parts in one story and added my own plot and personal touch. I also claim to be one of the first to write a G-rated, profanity-free PD fan fic. I'd like to give special acknowledgements to Q2, Misty Dawn, Velvet Dark 007, and the Looney Tunes for their inspiration. Thank you very much.
Members: (applause)
glitcher: ^_^ ; Ta. Oh, and to prevent my butt getting kicked, Joanna, Foster, Dr Carrington, and all related Perfect Dark(TM) characters belong to Rareware. You know how strict those guys can get with their copyright property.
Members: Boooooooo!
glitcher: My exact sentimonies. So, I hope you all enjoy reading this. And now I leave you to participate in the most exciting story of your life - the fic that will shed a ray of sunshine on your pitiful, sorry, miserable, little lives.
Members: ....................
glitcher: o.O ; *cough* Anyway... ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to present..........
THE CARRINGTON INSTITUTE DUEL TWENTY-TWENTY-PHOWAAAR!!!
Sean Connery as Dr Carrington
and
Daffy Duck as Foster
*Inside a studio*
Director: (walks in) Alright people. Settle down, settle down. We've got a lot of cut-scenes to fil.......... o.O ; Hey, where is everybody?!
Crickets: (chirp)
Director: Hello?
Crickets: (chirp)
Director: (looks at watch) It's already two hours past punch-in time! Where the purple monkey are they?
*Elsewhere*
Foster: Laaadiiiiiiiiiies and gentlemeeeeen! It gives me great pleasure to introduce you to THE CARRINGTON INSTITUTE DUEL TWENTY-TWENTY-PHOWAAAR!!! (flashes applause sign)
*Silence*
Foster: o.O ; Um, I said it gives me great pleasure to introduce you to THE CARRINGTON INSTITUTE DUEL TWENTY-TWENTY-PHOWAAAR!!! (flashes applause sign)
*Tumbleweed drifts across the room*
Dr Carrington: You imbeshil! We're on televishon! The audiensh can't reply back!
Foster: o.O ; Oh yeah.... eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^
Dr Carrington: -_- ; (sigh) Let'sh begin the tournament. We have more competitorz than ever thish year. Aye, I can shee the line ecshtending way, way, way off into the distansh. My, the onez at the end even look like antsh!
Foster: (taps shoulder) Um... Sir, we're inside a holoroom, and those are ants you see. I told you to hire an exterminator.
Dr Carrington: Don't correct me, you little shcallywag! I'm your shooperior!
Foster: O_O (zips up lips)
Dr Carrington: Now where were we? Oh aye, let'sh shtart by going over the rulez. As mosht of you know, the objective of thish tournament iz to determine the fashtesht gun-shlinger in the land. All duellishtsh will fight one another in pairz, where each one musht take ten pashez in the oppozite direcshon, turn, and fire. Whoever bitesh the dusht firsht lozez. Foshter, will you do the prezentashonz for the firsht round?
Foster: Okay. Now without further ado, let's present our first challengers for THE CARRINGTON INSTITUTE DUEL TWENTY-TWENTY-PHOWAAAR!!! (flashes applause sign)
Dr Carrington: PUT THAT THING AWAY!!
Foster: o.O ; Alright, our competitors for the first match are......... Trent Easton and the President of the United States of America!
Trent: (arrives on stage) Thank you! Thank you! It's a real pleasure to be here with all of you tod....... Hey, where is everybody?
Crickets: (chirp)
Dr Carrington: (through teeth) We're on televishon, you idiot!
Trent: o.O ; Oh yeah... eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^
President: (arrives on stage) Greetings, fellow Americans. I ashume you're all voting for me today.
Foster: It's "assume".
President: Don't correct me, you little scallywag! I'm your superior!
Foster: O_O (zips up lips)
Trent: So this is my opponent? Well then, have you thought any more about that proposal I gave you, Sir?
President: My answer remains the same. I'm sorry Trent, but no. I won't loan Britney Spears to dataDyne. Now please, can get we get on with this duel?
Trent: But this is a golden opportunity to show that America has faith in its playboy mansio.... um.... industries and will back them.
President: Darnit man, I say no and I mean no! I'm not going to change my mind on this. I need my advisors to be unbiased, and recently you haven't given me the sexuality I require. Let it go and we'll say no more. This is your last chance!
Trent: As you wish, Sir...... (aside) Huh! My last chance? You fool. That was yours!
Dr Carrington: Let the duel begin!
Foster: Alrighty then! In this corner, weighing 139 pounds, we have the master of evil, the dictator of deviousness, Treeeeeeennt Eeeeeeeeeaasstoooooooonn!!! *plays "Bad Man"*
Trent: ^_^ *waves*
Foster: And in this corner, at 143 pounds, we have the leader of our country, the symbol of America, Miiissteeeeeeer Preeeeeessiideeeeeeeeeeennt!!! *plays American national anthem*
President: ^_^ *waves*
Foster: Let's get ready to ruuuummbblllllllllllllllllle!!!
Dr Carrington: (slaps Foster around the head) Knock it off! Thish izn't bokshing!
Foster: Oh yeah... eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^
Dr Carrington: -_- ; Duellishtsh, take your pozishonz!
*Trent and the president stand at the centre of the room back-to-back*
President: I'm afraid your days are numbered, my friend. No one's ever been able to outgun me with my Cyclone.
Trent: We'll just see about that. (attaches a laptop sentry gun to the ceiling)
*Sentry gun starts firing on the president before either duellist has started his ten paces.*
President: I'm hit! I'm hit! *bang* Ack! *moan* *crumple*
Trent: I hate it when he says that.
Dr Carrington: Hey, that'sh forbidden! You're not allowed to shoot your opponent before ten pacez!
Trent: I didn't shoot the president; the sentry gun did, which means it's legal. That's just a glitch.
Foster: Trent Easton wins! Trent qualifies for the next round in THE CARRINGTON INSTITUTE DUEL TWENTY-TWENTY-PHOWAAAR!!! (flashes applause sign)
Dr Carrington: (grabs sign and smashes it over Foster's head)
President: *twitch*
Dr Carrington: Okay, let'sh clean up thish mesh. MEDIC!
Chansey: CHAN-SEEE!! (arrives and puts corpse on a stretcher... blows a kiss to the camera... leaves.)
Cameraman: o.O
Foster: Um, let's have a commercial break now, shall we? (takes off headset) Okay, let's go check out that playboy mansion in the back. I heard the president left Britney Spears in there. Maybe she and I can have as much fun as the time when this cute blonde sneaked out into the van with me one night and.......
Cameraman: Uh... Foster?
Foster: What?
Cameraman: We're still on air. There's no such thing as a commercial break in the future.
Foster: O_O ; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (faints)
Dr Carrington: Don't you mean "prezent"?
Cameraman: Huh? Oh yeah... eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^
Dr Carrington: -_- ; Well, if there are no breaksh, we might az well go on to round two.
Cameraman: Wait, I have a suggestion: Why not try and get some views from the public instead?
Dr Carrington: Good idea. I forgot that we have a man ready for that. Ladiez and gentlemen, Grimshaw - our reporter who'z bizzy in the shity shtreetsh - will now go live from door-to-door to get varioush opinionz from..........
Foster: Um, Sir........ (whispers)
Dr Carrington: Grimshaw'z in hoshpital?! What did he do?
Foster: (whispers)
Dr Carrington: o.O ; Oh............ I shee. Well in that cashe, we'll have to get our viewz over the phone. Let'sh go to our caller on line one.........
Bond: Hello. The name's Bond. James Bond.
Foster: Not THE James Bond?!
Bond: 'Fraid so.
Foster: O_O ; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (faints)
Dr Carrington: -_- ; Sho Mishter Bond, what do you think of the tournament sho far?
Bond: It's terrible! Where's Joanna Dark? I want to see my number one idol in action. I didn't pay for this channel just to get ripped off! I hate you! I hate you all! If I was there, I'd take out my Walther and shoot the living dayli...... *tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut*
Dr Carrington: Whoopsh! Looksh like the line got cut off. (shoves unplugged cable under the table) Let'sh get another view from caller number two.......
?????: ..............
Dr Carrington: Hello? Caller number two, are you there?
?????: Do you like scary movies?
Dr Carrington: o.O ; Huh? Er, aye, I guesh. My favourite is "Nightmare at Loch Ness".
?????: Hmmm, then I suppose you know that Willy was the real murderer.
Dr Carrington: Ach, yer backshide! The butler did it. Who are you anyway?
??????: First, what's your name?
Dr Carrington: Why do you ashk?
??????: ............... Because I want to know who I'm looking at.
Dr Carrington: o.O ; FOSHTER, CUT IT OUT!!
Foster: (puts away a cell phone snickering) No sense of humour.
Dr Carrington: Okay, let'sh try and get a REAL view thish time (glares at Foster). We'll go to caller number three and hear hiz..... uh..... her...... uh...... itsh opinion on the shituashon.
Director: Hello?
Dr Carrington: Hello, caller number three? What do you think of the duel sho far?
Director: Duel? What duel? I'm looking for my missing star! Have any of you seen Joanna....?
Dr Carrington: Um, I think you musht have the wrong number.
Director: No, no wait......! *tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut*
Dr Carrington: (sigh) Let'sh get on with the show, shall we? Foshter, who do we have neksht?
Foster: Okay, our next pair of competitors for THE CARRINGT.... (Oops!) Um, our next competitors are Elvis the Maian and the sapient wonder: Dr Caroll!
Elvis: (arrives on stage wearing a Guns 'n Roses vest) Salutations, fellow life forms! In the name of intergalactic peace, I thank you for your support today.
Foster: And here comes Dr Caro...... Hey! Where's your gun, Doctor?
Dr Caroll: Gun? How can I hold a gun? I ain't got no body!
Dr Carrington: Well if you can't fight, Elvish winz by default.
Dr Caroll: No, wait! I can fight. All I need is a sapient substitute......... *whistle*
*Suddenly a monstrous metal foot smashes through the ceiling*
Unicron: I WILL CRUSH YOU!!!!!!!!
Dr Carrington: o.O ; Wait a shec! Transhformerz aren't allowed to enter thish tournament!
Dr Caroll: Why not? It doesn't say so in the rule book.
Dr Carrington: Huh? It must do. Hang on, let'sh ashk the author.
glitcher: Someone called?
Dr Carrington: Aye, do you know if Transhformerz are allowed in the tournament?
glitcher: Just a mo...... (grabs the rule book) Okay.... Rule #1: No shooting opponent before ten paces; Rule #2: No shields; Rule #3: Go to rule #4; Rule #4: No wedgies.
The Mask: D'oh! (leaves)
glitcher: Rule #5: No fairy helpers.
Navi: D'oh! (leaves)
glitcher: Rule #6: No Matrix characters.
Half the competition: D'oh! (leaves)
Dr Carrington: o.O ; Hey, we jusht losht over half our competitorz!
glitcher: It doesn't say anything about Transformers being forbidden. It looks like Unicron's allowed to fight.
Dr Carrington: (sigh) Very well, let the duel begin!
Foster: Alrighty then! In this corner, weighing 75 pounds (half of which belongs to his head), the ace of space, the cosmic conqueror, Eeeeeeellviiiiiiiiiss the Maaaaaaaaaiiiiiaaaaaaaaaann!!! *plays "Spaceman"*
Elvis: ^_^ *waves*
Foster: And in these corners, representing Dr Caroll and weighing 450'000'000 tonnes, the ruler of robots, the planet pulveriser, Uuuuuuuuuuuunniicrroooooooooooonn!!! *plays "Unicron's Theme"*
Unicron: ^_^ *waves* *accidentally swats a Boeing out of the sky*
Dr Carrington: Duellishtsh, take your pozishonz!
*Elvis and Unicron stand in the centre of the room back-to-back.*
Elvis: Don't mess with the Maian!
Unicron: Insignificant organism! You underestimate me. I'll eat you for breakfast and your planet for dinner!
Elvis: (!!!!!!!!!) I'll kick yo butt!
Foster: Uh... Isn't it supposed to be "I'll kick yo a..."
Dr Carrington: (covers Foster's mouth) Careful! Thish iz a G-rated fan fic, remember?
Foster: Oh yeah... eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^
*Elvis takes ten paces and stops at one end. Unicron takes ten paces, goes straight out of the Institute, and accidentally walks off a cliff!* ........phweeeeeeeeeeee...... *BOOM!*
Dr Carrington: o.O ; Jehoshaphat! Unicron'z shtride waz too great!
Foster: That means Elvis wins the match! Which also means that Dr Caroll loses!
Dr Caroll: (slow motion) NOOOOOO!!!
Elvis: Ha! Like I said: Don't mess with the Maian!
Unicron: *twitch*
Dr Carrington: Uh... shomeone haz to tidy up Unicron'z remainz. MEDIC!
Chansey: CHAN-SEEE!! (arrives and puts corpse on a stretcher... blows a kiss to the camera... leaves.)
Cameraman: o.O ; I wish it wouldn't do that.
Dr Carrington: Foshter, whatever pozeshed you to hire a Pokémon medic?
Foster: I dunno. I just thought they were the latest fad.
Dr Carrington: (sigh) Let'sh jusht get on with the tournament sho I can go home. (swallows some aspirin) Who do we have for round three, Foshter?
Foster: That would be Cassandra de Vries and Mr Blonde!
Cassandra: (arrives on stage) Good afternoon, gentlemen. I aSHume you're all on my side today.
Foster: Hang on, I know that lisp!
Cassandra: My lisp? Oh, well..... you see...... *runs away, dropping a Cassandra de Vries mask and revealing the president's face*
Foster: So, it was the president in disguise! But he couldn't have survived his injuries, unless………… I see dead people. O_O
Dr Carrington: -_- ; I don't think that waz really him. If he can be cloned once, why not do it again? Now, where iz the real Cashandra?
'Real' Cassandra: (arrives on stage puffing and panting) Sorry I'm late. Someone poured grease down the hall.
Foster: In that case, you should have been early. Ha ha! Geddit? "Early"? Ha ha!
Crickets: (chirp)
Dr Carrington. -_- ; Here comez her opponent.
Mr Blonde: Greetings, humans. It is an honour to be here at this tournament today. And I know that you are flawless in your choice of voting for me this year. For my people believe that anything which is flawed should be DESTROYED!
Cassandra: ................... Blondie?
Mr Blonde: Cass?
*Plays "Up Where We Belong"*
Cassandra: Oh Blondie, it's really you! (leaps into Mr Blonde's arms)
Mr Blonde: Cassandra my love, I've missed you so much!
Cassandra: Dearest Blondie, take me far, far away, so we can be alone together.
Mr Blonde: Anything for you, my love. I will never let you go again. (picks up Cassandra and walks out the front door into the sunset)
*Long silence*
Dr Carrington: o.O ........................ Hey, what happened to the match, Foshter?
Foster: Zzzzzzzzz....... zzzzzzzzzz..........
Dr Carrington: FOSHTER!
Foster: Wha? O_O ; Oh, um........ I think they forgot. What do we do now?
Dr Carrington: We'd better check with glitcher again.
glitcher: (takes off headphones) What is it now?
Dr Carrington: Cashandra jusht walked out on ush with her boyfriend.
glitcher: Awww... don't worry, you'll find someone else. Relationships always have their cruel twists, but soon other girls will be lining up at your door before you know it.
Dr Carrington: NOT ME, YOU IDIO..... I mean, 'Mashter'! Both she and Mishter Blonde left the competishon. What do we do now?
glitcher: (groan) Hang on, lemme check.... (grabs the rule book).... Rule #7: No overalls.
Mario: D'oh! I mean.... Mama mia! (leaves)
glitcher: Rule #8: No mice.
Pikachu: Pika-D'oh! (leaves)
glitcher: Rule #9: No Street Fighters.
Half the remaining competition: D'oh! (leaves)
Dr Carrington: o.O ; What the f...?! You're chashing away all the competitorz!
glitcher: Wait, I got it. Rule #10: In the event that one or both competitors are unavailable to battle, the absentee(s) must be disqualified.
Foster: In that case, both Cassandra de Vries and Mr Blonde are out of the tournament.
Dr Carrington: You don't shay! Well, thank Willy we got that shtraight. We've almosht run out of competitorz! I need a break (swallows some more aspirin). Foshter, be a dear and get shome more viewz.
Foster: (under breath) "Be a dear"? I'll make you pay dear.
Dr Carrington: WHAT WAZ THAT?!
Foster: O_O ; Um... um... I said "Nothing to fear". Um.... just getting the views now. Eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^ ; Okay, over to our first caller on line one............
Bond: Hello. It's me, Bond. James Bond.
Foster: Not THE James Bond?!
Bond: 'Fraid so.
Foster: O_O ; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (faints)
Dr Carrington: Oh, for the love of......! Shtop fainting, you twat! We've got a show to broadcasht!
Foster: (wakes up) Oh yeah.... eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^
Dr Carrington: -_- ; Sho, vee meet again, Mishter Bond. What are your viewz on the tournament now?
Bond: It's still terrible! Where in London Hall is Joanna Dark? I still haven't had a chance to see my number one idol in action. And my pay-per-view rate for this channel is increasing by the minute! I hate you! I hate you all! My Walther's getting really restless, and if you don't give me some Perfection soon, I'm gonna......... *tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut*
Dr Carrington: Whoopsh! The line got cut off again (shoves unplugged cable under the table). We'll try caller number two.............
Bart: Hi, I'm looking for a guy named Jass; first name: Hugh.
Foster: (sigh) Hang on a sec........ Uh, HUGH JASS! HUGH JASS! HEY, HAS ANYONE SEEN A HUGH JASS AROUND HERE? HEY GUYS, I'M LOOKING FOR A HUGH JASS! HEY, HUGH JASS!
Bart: (rolling on the floor) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Foster: (!!!!!!!) Why, you rotten, low-down, good-for-nothing, miserable, little punk! When I catch you, I'm gonna tear out your eyeballs and feed them to the.......
Cameraman: Uh...... Foster, we're still on air.
Foster: O_O ; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (faints)
Dr Carrington: GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY! We've got a premium panzy on our handz! Shomeone get him shome shmelling shaltsh before he goez into a coma. (swallows some more aspirin) And by George, thish neksht caller had better be for real...........
Grimshaw: (attempting to put on a sexy voice) Hello, Ugly-Blonde-From-The-Gadgets-Department? Have you thought about our date this evening?
Dr Carrington: o.O ; Grimshaw?!
Grimshaw: O_O ; BOSS?!?
Dr Carrington: What the blinkin' nora are you doing there?! I thought you were in hoshpital getting your butt amputated! (Oops!)
Grimshaw: Oh yeah. Well, that's a long story. You see.......... (aside) C'mon girls, get outta here! My boss is on the phone!
Foster: (wakes up) Hang on, is that Grimshaw on the line? (grabs headset) Hey Grimshaw, it's Foster! S'up?
Grimshaw: Hey Foster! Nothin' much; watchin' TV, havin' a Bud.
Foster: True true.
Grimshaw: WAAAAAZZZZZUUUUUP!!!
Foster: WAAAAASSSSSAAAAAAAP!!!
Grimshaw: WAAAAAAAAZZZAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!
Foster: WUUUUUUUSHHUUUUUP!!!
Grimshaw: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Foster: HEEEHAAAAAAAAAAW!!!
Dr Carrington: SHTOP THAT!!!!!!! Grimshaw, get a camera on the double and be ready for the neksht shet of interviewz!
Grimshaw. Right. Bye.
Dr Carrington: Bye.
Grimshaw: Bye.
Dr Carrington: Bye.
Grimshaw: Bye.
Dr Carrington: Bye.
Grimshaw: Bye.
Dr Carrington: BYE!!!! (hangs up)
Foster: (giggle) Over to our next caller on line four..................
Director: Hello, Carrington Institute? It's me again, the Director. You cut me off last time. Like I was trying to say, I'm looking for my star, Joanna.............
Dr Carrington: Not you again! Look, get a phone book, pal, and shtop calling ush!
Director: No, no wait......! *tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut*
Dr Carrington: (gulps down the whole jar of aspirin) GET ON WITH THE FRICKIN' TOURNAMENT!! (foaming at the mouth)
Foster: O_O ; Um... okay. Our neksht pair of competitors are Trinity and Zangief...... Oh, hang on. They left. Well it looks like the only two remaining are Joanna and Jonathan Dark!
Jonathan: (arrives on stage wearing a ballerina dress) Thank you! Thank you, everyo....... Holy mother of Moly! Wrong outfit! (runs away and comes back later wearing a CI uniform). Sorry 'bout that. Eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^
Joanna: (slinks her way on stage wearing a tight, black dress with a red dragon design) Hi!
Foster: Ah, our star agent!
Dr Carrington: O_O ; Is that outfit legal?
Joanna: Doesn't say anything in the rule book.
Foster: We'd better check with glitch........
Dr Carrington: (covers Foster's mouth) No! We don't want to loze more competitorz. We'll jusht let thish one pash.
Foster: (shrugs) Alrighty then! In this corner, at 132 pounds, the sultan of pimps, the grand poobah of Dom Juans, Jonathaaaaaaaaaaaaan Daaaaaaaaaaaarrk!!! *plays "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)"*
Jonathan: Hey, I am not a pimp! (hides condom)
Foster: And in this corner, weighing 115 pounds, the slinky minx of spying, the apple of everyone's eye, Joannaaaaaaaaaa Daaaaaaaaaaaarrk!!! *plays "Sexbomb"*
Joanna: ^_^ *waves*
Dr Carrington: (drool) She'z sho cute when she doez that. I mean.... o.O ..... duellishtsh, take your pozishons!
*Joanna and Jonathan stand in the centre of the room back-to-back*
Jonathan: (flashes grin) That's a really nice dress you got there, Jo.
Joanna: (sprays Mace in his eyes)
Foster: This is so exciting. Imagine, brother and sister about to face it off between one another in this nerve-wracking standoff.
Dr Carrington: Yesh, there'z never been anything quite like it. I believe the mosht important part iz for the duellishtsh to keep their........
*Bang*
Dr Carrington: o.O ; What waz that?
Joanna: (brandishing smoking Falcon 2) I'm done.
Dr Carrington: You're done?! But we didn't even see........... (spots Jonathan's twitching corpse on the floor)......... o.O ; Crikey! You are done!
Foster: Joanna wins! Joanna qualifies for the semi-finals!
Joanna: ^_^ *waves*
Jonathan: *twitch*
Dr Carrington: MEDIC!
Chansey: CHAN-SEEE!! (arrives and puts corpse on a stretcher... blows a kiss to the camera... leaves.)
Cameraman: O_O ; GRRRRRRR!!
Dr Carrington: Sho there we have it! The prelimanary roundz are over. Now we can move on to the shemi-finalz. If we finish fasht enough, we can make it home in time for Eashtenderz. Foshter, who are our firsht two qualifierz?
Foster: That would be Trent Easton and Elvis the Maian!
Elvis: (arrives on stage wearing a Guns 'n Roses vest) Thank you again, my human friends. It's great to have your undying support. Obviously there will be no contest in this match. Mr Easton might as well just.......... o.O ; Hey, where is he?
Crickets: (chirp)
Foster: Um, where did Trent go?
*Distant voice: Oh Britney, give it to me! Harder! Harder!*
Cameraman: o.O ; (opens closet and finds Trent Easton and Britney Spears 'doing' it)
Trent: O_O ; Um.... um.... Britney! How could you?!
Dr Carrington: GET OVER HERE!!
Foster: Ewww, what do they think this is? An NC-17 fic?
Dr Carrington: *groan* (swallows a whole tub of aspirin) Get on with it and make it shnappy!
Foster: Alrighty then! In this corner, weighing 139 pounds, the devil's advocate, the king of corruption, Treeeeeeennt Eeeeeeeeeaasstoooooooonn!!! *plays "Evil"*
Trent: ^_^ *zips up fly and waves*
Foster: And in this corner, at 75 pounds, the alien with an attitude, the guy you can always rely on to run into your line of fire, Eeeeeeellviiiiiiiiiss the Maaaaaaaaaiiiiiaaaaaaaaaann!!! *plays "Space Cowboys"*
Elvis: ^_^ *waves* ; Don't mess with the Maian!
Dr Carrington: Duellishtsh, take your pozishonz!
*Trent and Elvis stand in the centre of the room back-to-back*
Trent: You know, I believe I had one of your friends over at Area 51 last year.
Elvis: Oh really? Did you like him?
Trent: Indeed. He was............ delicious!
Elvis: (!!!!!!!!) Why, you son of a.....! (draws Phoenix)
Dr Carrington: Hold it! Wait till the match shtartsh. *short pause* Begin!
*Trent and Elvis take ten paces. Trent spins round and fires multiple bullets. Elvis activates a combat boost and bends backwards sharply while the camera pans around him and the bullets soar over his fat head in slow motion, creating ripples in the air*
Trent: O_O ; Great....
Foster: O_O ; ....Horny....
Dr Carrington: O_O ; ....Toads!
Elvis: Heh! (raises Phoenix) Dodge this! (fires an explosive shell at Trent's head which reduces it to a burnt pizza shape)
Foster: o.O ; Great Scot!
Dr Carrington: ^_^ ; Why, thank you.
Foster: There's no doubt about it. Elvis wins! Elvis qualifies for the final round!
Elvis: ^_^ *waves* ; Don't mess with the Maian!
Trent: *twitch*
Dr Carrington: MEDIC!
Chansey: CHAN-SEEE!! (arrives and puts corpse on a stretcher... blows a kiss to the camera... leaves.)
Cameraman: O_O ; That's it! If it does that one more time, I don't know what I'll do!
Dr Carrington: Uh... aye. Anyway, I think Grimshaw might be ready with that camera. Perhapsh we can get shome more viewz........
*Wall screen lights up, displaying Grimshaw in the city streets*
Grimshaw: This is Grimshaw reporting live from downtown. I'm about to have my first one-to-one with someone who's been recorded watching the tournament on television.
Foster: Wait a minute, are you saying you probe into people's homes just to find out what they're watc......?
*Red laser dot appears on Foster's temple*
Foster: O_O ; Um..... never mind.
Grimshaw: *knocks on a door*
Bond: (opens door) Can I help you?
Grimshaw: Hello, I'm Grimshaw from the Carrington Institute. I'm here to record your opinion on this year's CI tournament. If you'll direct your attention to the camera, perhaps you can introduce yourself, Mr........
Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Foster: Not THE James Bond?!
Bond: 'Fraid so.
Foster: O_O (prepares to scream..........)
Dr Carrington: (points a gun at Foster's head) Don't even think about it!
Grimshaw: So Mr Bond, what do you think about the tournament?
Bond: It's gone Titanic! What in North Hampshire happened to Joanna Dark? One moment she's on stage, the next she's gone! This is a complete rip-off! I hate you! I hate you all! (grabs Walther PPK and starts firing at Grimshaw)
Grimshaw: O_O ; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (runs down the street)
*Ten minutes later*
Grimshaw: Puff! Pant! *Phew* I think I lost him.
Bond: I'm gonna kill you!! (starts firing Walther PPK at Grimshaw)
Grimshaw: O_O ; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (runs down the street)
*Another ten minutes later*
Grimshaw: Puff! Pant! Okay, NOW I've lost him. Let's see if I can get some 'safe' interviews now. *knocks on a door*
Director: (bursts out of the door, looking pressed for time) I'm sorry, I can't stop and chat now. I've got a star to find.
Grimshaw: Wait Sir, I'm Grimshaw from the Carrington Institute, and all I want to ask is your opi......
Director: The Carrington Institute? Wait, is Joanna Dark there?
Grimshaw: Uh... yeah. If you want to get there, hang a left on Spy Road at the Rareware HQ and keep going until you reach the.......
Director: Thanks! (runs away)
Grimshaw: o.O ; Hmmm, odd man.
Bond: I'm gonna kill you!! (starts firing Wather PPK at Grimshaw)
Grimshaw: O_O ; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (runs down the street)
*Wall screen dies*
Dr Carrington: o.O ; Uh... okay, I think it be besht we catch up with him later. In the meantime, let'sh continue. Foshter, who do we have for our shecond shemi-final?
Foster: That would be Joanna Dark and………. Wait a minute. She doesn't have an opponent! There was no winner in the match between Cassandra de Vries and Mr Blonde, since they both left.
Dr Carrington: Not to worry. We alwayz have a backup fighter for emergenshiez. Bring in Velvet Dark!
Velvet: (arrives on stage) Oh sure! I'm just backup then, am I? Good ol' Velvet's not good enough to have a main role just because she appears only in the co-op missions. Instead she has to settle for second banana! I could have been the Institute's prized fighter, but noooooooooo. I had to be kicked back to.... *bang* Ack! *moan* *crumple*
Foster: (holding a smoking pistol) I had to shut her up.
Dr Carrington: Well that waz shmart! She waz our only backup!
Foster: Oops! Sorry. Eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^ ; I promise I won't do it again.
Dr Carrington: But we shtill need a shecond shemi-final.
Foster: Yeah, but who would be crazy enough to confront "Perfect Dark"?
*Long silence*
Dr Carrington: (stares at Foster with an evil smile)
Foster: o.O ; ME?! But I can't join in the tournament! I'm a commentator!
Dr Carrington: Now you're a competitor. Get going! (kicks Foster into the centre of the room)
Foster: Um… okay. In this corner, the Institute's foxiest feline, the real Skedar Slayer, Joannaaaaaaaaaa Daaaaaaaaaaaarrk!!! *plays "Man, I Feel Like A Woman"*
Foster: And in this corner, at a respectable 130 pounds, the superhero with the hunkiest looks, and a head that's too small for his brain, meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! *plays "You Sexy Thing"*
Dr Carrington: -_- ; (under breath) I'm not getting paid enough for thish.
*Joanna and Foster stand in the centre of the room back-to-back*
Foster: Now you will go easy on me, won't you Jo? This is my first time. (starts ten paces) I mean, you wouldn't want to hurt ol' Fos….. *bang* Ack! *moan* *crumple*
Dr Carrington: (under breath) Yesh!............ *cough* Joanna Dark winz! Joanna qualifiez for the final round!
Joanna: ^_^ *waves* ; Was there ever any doubt?
Foster: (holds up a sign saying "OUCH!")
Dr Carrington: MEDIC!
Chansey: CHAN-SEEE!! (arrives and puts corpse on a stretcher... blows a kiss to the camera.......)
Cameraman: (grabs a shotgun and blows Chansey's brains all over the floor)
Dr Carrington: o.O ; Hey, that waz our only medic!
Cameraman: No biggie, I know CPR. (flashes rasped lips)
Dr Carrington: *shudder* Never mind.
Foster: *croak* Don't worry, boss.... *cough* I'll be back on my feet before you can say antidisestablishmentarianism.
Dr Carrington: Ha! That'sh eazy. Antideshta.... uh... antidishbitish.... um... antideshtib...
*An hour later*
Dr Carrington: Antidishtyminty......
Foster: (arrives on stage) Okay, I'm back.
Dr Carrington: (under breath) Curshez! I thought I waz rid of him. (swallows a whole crate full of aspirin) Sho, thish iz the moment you've all been waiting for, ladiez and gentlemen. The competitorz for the final round have now been deshided: Elvish the Maian and Joanna Dark! But before we continue, I think Grimshaw might be ready with that camera again.
*Wall screen lights up*
Grimshaw: Puff! Pant! Okay, now I've lost him for good. We ran into Christmas Jones on the way, and Bond couldn't resist stopping and inviting her out for a vodka martini - shaken not stirred. Anyway, let's see if the residents here can give their views on the tournament. *knocks on a door*
Dr Carrington: (opens door) O_O ; WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
Grimshaw: Whoops! Must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. Eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^
Dr Carrington: Get back out there and fetch some interviewz! (kicks Grimshaw back down the street)
Grimshaw: Ow! Grrrr..... I'm starting to dislike this job. *knocks on a door*
Pikachu: (opens door) Pika?
Grimshaw: o.O ; Um, hello... uh... Ma'am. I'm Grimshaw from the Carrington Institute. May I ask your opinion so far on this year's CI duel?
Pikachu: (angry) Pika-Pika! Pi-Pikachu! Pikachu! Chu! Pi-Pika-Pikachu! Chu-Pika! Pi! Pikachu! Pika-Pi! Pikachu! Pika! Pi-Pika! Pikachu!
Grimshaw: o.O ; Uh…. Ooookaaay. Got any messages for Dr Carrington?
Pikachu: Pika! (starts Thundershocking Grimshaw)
Grimshaw: O_O ; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (runs down the street)
*Ten minutes later*
Grimshaw: Puff! Pant! I can't take much more of this.
Pikachu: Pika-Pikachu!! (starts Thundershocking Grimshaw)
Grimshaw: O_O ; Not again..... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (runs down the street)
*Another ten minutes later*
Grimshaw: ENOUGH!! I'm not taking any more of this aggravation! If I get chased down the street one more time.....
Pikachu: Pika-Pikachu!! (starts Thundershocking Grimshaw)
Grimshaw: O_O ; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (runs down the street)
*Wall screen dies*
Cameraman: Oh no! I hope nothing happened to him. He had my best camera!
Dr Carrington: ..............
Foster: o.O ; Boss?
Dr Carrington: ..............bleaaaaaaaaaahhh.......... (drops an empty crate of aspirin)
Cameraman: Jumpin' jeepers! He's on an aspirin overdose! MEDIC!
Crickets: (chirp)
Foster: You shot Chansey, you fool!
Cameraman: D'oh! It looks like I'm going to have to do this myself. (prepares to perform CPR with rasped lips)
Dr Carrington: O_O ; YAH! I'm awake! I'm awake! Jusht reshting my eyes. Eh heh heh heh heh heh. ^_^ ; Where were we? Oh aye, the final round. That would be the battleground for Elvish the Maian and Joanna Dark!
Elvis: (arrives on stage wearing a Guns 'n Roses vest) ^_^ *waves* ; I am the king!
Joanna: (slinks her way on stage wearing a tight, black dress with a red dragon design) Hmmm, "Elvis the king"? Huh! You won't last a second.
Foster: Mmmm, like the dress, Jo. *whistle*
Dr Carrington: Agreed. (attempts to whistle and ends up spraying saliva all over the floor) o.O ; Eh heh heh heh heh heh. Um.... let the match begin!
Foster: Alrighty then! In this corner..........
Dr Carrington: Ah, shcrew it! We've already introduced both duellishtsh three times already. Let'sh jusht get thish over with already!
*Elvis and Joanna stand in the centre of the room back-to-back*
Foster: Here we are, ladies and gentlemen. After many tasking battles, we've finally come to the deciding round that will determine the ultimate duellist of 2024.
Dr Carrington: That'sh right. Whoever winz will be bathed in shpectacular glory, and hiz or her name will be pashed down with honour from generation to generation. Whoever lozez will be crushed under the shoopreme shooperiority of the winner, and will leave empty-handed with nothing more than the heavy weight of failure in hiz or her back. *dramatic pause* Duellishtsh, you may begin!
*Elvis and Joanna take ten paces. Joanna spins round and draws Falcon 2*
Elvis: Ooh, look! Someone's dropped a nickel! (bends down)
*Bang*
Elvis: (stands up and notices a smoking hole in the wall where his head used to be) O_O ; Yikes! I'm outta here! (starts running out the door into the Institute's main area)
Joanna: Not so fast!
Elvis: Okay. (walks slowly out the door)
Joanna: You're not getting away that easily! (chases Elvis)
Foster: Whoa! The finalists are leaving the holoroom!
Dr Carrington: Quick, get a camera out there! (runs out the door with Foster and the cameraman after Joanna and Elvis)
Joanna: (continues firing on Elvis while chasing him) Nobody can beat "Perfect Dark"! Mwa ha ha ha ha!
Elvis: o.O ; Gotta buy some time. (pulls out an Acme king-sized magnet)
*Joanna's pistol flies out of her hand and sticks to the magnet*
Elvis: Aha! Now I've got you!
Dr Carrington: Ooh, the tidez have turned. Now Elvish haz the upper-hand.
Foster: How's our star agent going to pull herself out of this one?
Joanna: Wait a minute, do you hear something?
*Suddenly a plethora of knives, pitchforks, and other sharp objects fly through the air towards Elvis's magnet*
Elvis: O_O ; YAH! (runs away while the blades give chase)
Joanna: Ha ha! Get 'im, boys! ^_^
Dr Carrington: *Gasp* It looksh like Elvish iz done for!
Elvis: (stops at a dead end) Look! Isn't that the Master Sword?
*Blades screech to a halt and look the other way*
Elvis: Ha! Suckers! (draws Phoenix and blasts them all to pieces)
Joanna: O_O
Foster: Uh oh! Elvis has a weapon and Joanna doesn't. She's trapped!
Elvis: Mwa ha ha ha ha! Say goodbye, "Perfect Dark"! (forces Joanna up to the edge of a balcony overlooking a roaring generator full of crackling circuits and sizzling wires)
Foster: Hey! I never realised we had a generator.
Dr Carrington: We didn't lasht year. But shinsh then, we've ashked Rareware to draw in shome more practical equipment including the generator, toiletsh, and an exit.
Cameraman: o.O ; There's an exit?! (runs away) Free! Free at last!
Dr Carrington: -_- ; Joanna'z in a bad pozishon. Thish looksh like the end for her.
Joanna: It's not over till the fat lady sings. And Rosanne ain't here!
Rosanne: Hey, I am not fat! Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to be here! (runs away)
Joanna: You'll need to be fast to get me, you little Roswell rip-off! (dives underneath the balcony)
Foster: o.O ; What's this? Joanna's taken refuge underneath the balcony. How will Elvis get to her?
Elvis: No problem. I always come prepared for these situations. (pulls out a saw)
*Elvis saws a disc-shaped hole in the balcony, but forgets to remove himself and falls down with the disc towards the generator*
Elvis: (still sawing at the disc) My, hasn't it suddenly become windy around here? (looks over the edge of the disc) O_O ; WAAAAH!! *waves goodbye* ......phweeeeeeeeeeee...... *BOOM!*
Dr Carrington: O_O ; Oh no! Elvish crashed into the generator! It'sh going to ekshplode! (runs away)
Joanna: (pulls herself back onto the balcony) Gotta shoot! (runs away)
Foster: Hey, wait for me! (runs away)
*The generator crackles and fizzes fiercely until it finally explodes in a massive ball of fire*
*Later*
Dr Carrington: (pulls himself from out of the rubble and looks around at the devastation) O_O ; My beautiful Inshtitute! It'sh been deshtroyed!
Joanna: (pulls herself from out of the rubble) *groan* What a rush! Did I win?
Dr Carrington: Yesh you won, you imbeshil! I hope you're happy. (pulls out a trophy) Here, take thish and.......
Director: (arrives on scene) Hold it!
Joanna: o.O ; Boss?!
Dr Carrington: Huh?
Director: Where have you been, you little missy? I've been looking all over for you! You're coming back with me to the studio. We still have tonnes of cut-scenes to film for your sequel on Gamecube.
Joanna: (sigh) Oh alright. Bye, Dr Carrington. It's been fun. (leaves)
*Long silence*
Dr Carrington: ..................... o.O ; Hey, wait a minute. With Joanna gone, we don't have a winner for the thish year'z tournament. Who'z going to take the trophy?
Foster: (pulls himself from out of the rubble) I will, thank you. (snatches trophy)
Dr Carrington: o.O ; Foshter, you're alive? (D'oh!)
Foster: Yep! I'm the only competitor who survived. And since I'm the only one left, that means I'm the winner of THE CARRINGTON INSTITUTE DUEL TWENTY-TWENTY-PHOWAAAR!!! (flashes applause sign) o.O ; Oh, Dr Carrington! Please don't look at me that way. I promise I won't ever do that again. You've got that insane glare in your eye again. Calm yourself, man. No, put that pitchfork down. Put it down! No! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! (runs away)
*Dr Carrington chases Foster down the road into the sunset*
Porky Pig: Eh beh beb beh beb beh, that's all folks!
*Curtains draw*
*plays "Duel of the Fates"*
glitcher - Himself
Dr Carrington - Sean Connery
Foster - Daffy Duck
Joanna Dark - Denise Richards
Elvis - Mini-Me in a Roswell costume
Grimshaw - Richard Simmons
Trent Easton - John Travolta
Mr President - Will Smith
(Hey, he said he wanted to run for Pres in 10 years!)
Cassandra de Vries - Cruella de Vil
Mr Blonde - Agent Smith
Dr Caroll - R2-D2
Unicron - The Iron Giant
Velvet Dark - Cameron Diaz
Jonathan Dark - Nicholas Cage
The Director - Steven Spielberg
THE James Bond - Pierce Brosnan
Bart Simpson - Nancy Cartwright
The Mask - Jim Carrey
Navi - A light bulb with wings pasted to it
Mario - Bob Hoskins
Pikachu - Hampton the Hamster
Britney Spears - Arnold Schwarzenegger
Rosanne - Fat Bastard
Crickets - English Cricket Team
Porky Pig - Babe
Cameraman - Do you actually care?
Sexbomb - Tom Jones
Man, I Feel Like A Woman - Shania Twain
You Sexy Thing - Hot Chocolate
Spaceman - Babylon Zoo
Space Cowboys - N'Sync
Bad Man - R Kelly
Evil - Jake
Up Where We Belong - Cocker Joe and Jennifer Warnes
Unicron's Theme - Vince DiCola
American National Anthem - Jewel
Pretty Fly (For A White Guy) - The Offspring
Duel of the Fates - John Williams
(Soundtrack available at your nearest local retailer)
Director - glitcher
Producer - glitcher
Everything else - glitcher
glitcher: And remember, folks, Elvis is not dead. He just went home! Ha ha! Geddit? "Went home"? Ha ha! *bang* Ack! *moan* *crumple*