Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Middle-Earth with all inhabits belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. Raniean and Trelan belong to Cassia and Siobhan.
This is written with permission from Siobhan.
Author´s note: These are the thoughts of Legolas´friend Raniean, after the events of the Mellon Chronicle Stories "Captive of Darkness" (My oneshot is also inspired by the flashback part of "Remember how to smile"). For all who don´t know of haven´t read the MC series: You have missed something very great and wonderful. If you like Legolas and Aragorn, go and read the series, you will be thrilled!
English is not my first language, sorry about the mistakes!
Fifty-four, fifty-five, fifty-six... when we were elflings, Legolas, Trelan and me had often tried to count the sparkling tiny stars that decorated the dark sky like thousands of jewels.
Growing up we had of course realized how futile such an attempt was and had laugh about our own stupidity. Tonight it gives me some comfort to count the uncountable little lights of night, that now paint a beautiful silver pattern onto my bed through the open window. Sleep does not come. It hardly seeks me these days, no matter how worn out and tired I feel. The last weeks since Legolas´ return from Dorolyn feel like a waking nightmare...
The look in your eyes, Mellon nîn, hunts me every moment, like a ghost. Many years ago your painfilled gaze had begged for help when your uncle betrayed your trust. The memory still hurts, but at least they had still been YOUR eyes, Legolas.
What I see now in your silver-blue orbs make cold shivers run down my back, whenever I look at you. There is so much despair, hurt, shame and hopelessness in them. Leaving no room for the lighthearted, bright elf who has been my friend all my life.
It hurts! Not only to watch you suffer, to see you being eaten up by your memories of horror, but also the fear that the elf we have all known may be gone forever. Brutally changed by darkness and desperation.
And there is the hurt about being pushed away. We want to be there for you, Mellon nîn. To give you some comfort, listen to you, letting you know you don´t have to face your horrors alone. You keep shutting us out.
Oh Legolas, I do not expect you to talk with us about what happened to you, but it hurts to feel the huge walls you have built up between us emotionally.
We used to share our fears, hurts, worries, no matter what happened. Your comfort had helped me deal with my pain and fear when my father had been almost killed by Doriflen so many years ago.
It scares me when we spend time together now and you behave as if we barely know each other. This almost polite interaction, carefully avoiding everything that may give us an opportunity to reach through the protective chill you are gathering around you.
Worse than all the hurt in my heart about your suffering is my feeling of guilt.
Yes, Guilt! Because I find myself begin to feel delighted if I spend time alone with Trelan. The time we know how to behave, to talk without accidentally causing pain, without saying or doing something that makes you murmur something unintelligibly and leave as you were running from us. The shadows of your suffering overpowers every moment in our lives these days, but it´s more bearable if you are not with us.
What kind of friend I am, having began to dread the time we spend together? Every day Trey and I keep coming to the palace after our duty, but often you just have one of the servants tell us you wish to be left alone. The rejection hurts, and my heart longs for our easy, carefree friendship as it has been not long ago.
There is also another emotion, an evil one, which should not be there in my heart: Relief! To my great horror I have indeed began to feel relived when you don´t want us around. For one day I will not have to see your empty eyes. I will not be forced to see how much you have been changed by the darkness in your heart. Am I an evil person? The thought haunts me, bereaves me off my sleep, the same way as the worry about you does. There must be something sinister in me, for betraying our friendship like that, to dread the time of being with you, Legolas. But it is almost unbearable to look into your face and see the shadows of the unspeakable cruelty you have endured.
It seems to me as if the whole world had changed upside down in a few days. Never had I thought it possible that there are people in this world who could hurt another being in such a horrible way. My strong father has sobbed when he told me what happened to you. I found myself on my knees retching, unable to bear the thought that those men had done what they had done to my compassionate, bright friend.
When I saw Doriflen´s cruelty so many years ago, I had hoped that he was only one single mad, brutal person, and nobody else was like him. Why had Legolas to be the one to discover you are never save from sadistic persons? Hasn´t he suffered enough during his childhood?
On top of that all comes another thought, an uncertainty which is eating at me. As a royal sentinel it is my sworn duty to give my life to protect my liege. Before I heart of the horrors of Dorolyn I always thought I´d be brave enough to sacrifice myself no matter what would come upon me in order to save the one I have sworn to protect.
But what would have happened if I had been there with you and had a choice to trade myself for you, when they did what they did? The thought is tormenting me. What they did is so unbelievable cruel, I am not sure if I could have offered myself to save you, Legolas. What if I ever come into such a situation and my braveness leaves me when it is needed the most! What if I fail to protect my liege. Is it really meant for me to be a royal sentinel or am I too much of a coward for this duty?
A dark cloud is creeping in front of the stars, shutting the sparkling light out from me. With a deep sigh, seeking the much needed sleep that would not come, I close my eyes. As always since your return, your face appears in front of my inner eyes, Legolas. The forlorn look in your once carefree blue eyes, in a pale face that doesn´t know how to smile anymore.
Oh Mellon nîn , will you ever come back to us? Will you be able to leave your shadows behind one day? I will be there for you, whenever you need me. Please allow the power of friendship reach out to you and give you hope!
Thanks for reading. Please review :-)