Truths

For the SJA Series Six Ficathon as suggested by sjsmatee101! The "What if's and could've been's" I chose the prompt of one Sarah Jane's darkest secrets. (Infertility) But instead infertility, I went more for "extremely hostile uterus."

Enjoy!

"Mum!" Sky screamed from the upstairs hallway.

"What is it Sky?" Sarah Jane called back from the bottom of the stairs.

"I can't find my winter coat!"

"I washed it yesterday; it should be in wicker basket in my room. Hurry, we're going to be late to lunch!" Sky smiled.

"I'll hurry!" She dashed to Sarah Jane's bedroom, flinging the door open and scanning the room for the basket. Sky spotted it sitting in Sarah's closet. She rushed over and dropped to the floor, rummaging through the wicker basket.

"Sky!" Sarah Jane called impatiently from downstairs.

"I'm coming!" Sky all but screamed. "Where is it, where is it?" She muttered to herself. Sky felt her fingers graze the fuzzy collar of her coat and she smiled. She pulled carefully, not wanting to send clothes flying everywhere.

"Gotcha!" She cried as she pulled her coat free. Sky stood quickly and accidently banged against one of the small built-in cupboards in the closet. The cupboard shook and a small box from the top shelf tumbled to the ground. Pictures and documents exploded from the box.

"Oh no." Sky whispered. She knelt down and scrambled to put all of the pictures back. Sky didn't pay any attention to the pictures or papers until she picked up the last two. The photographs were old and Sky handled them with great care.

The first picture was small and filled with colour. In the picture were a man and a woman at what looked like a party. Sky instantly knew the woman on the left was her Mum but much younger than she was now. It was the man on the right that she didn't recognize. This man had his arms wrapped around Sarah Jane's middle, pulling her close to his chest. Both Sarah and the man smiled brightly at the camera. Sky flipped the picture over, in hopes that the man's name would be on the back. However, all that was on the back was the year; 1979.

The second picture was fuzzier and harder to make out. At the top of the picture, Sky read the name 'Johnson' followed by a comma and then Sarah Jane's full name. There was a grainy skirt like shape that was in the middle of the picture. The middle of the shape was black with another small shape in the center of the blackness. This shape was grainy too and in profile. Sky could make out what look like head. It was attached to a grainy blob that had two tiny sticks protruding from it.

'It looks like a tiny person.' Sky thought in awe.

Sky was very fascinated by the pictures but didn't have the time to sit and enjoy them. She kept both of the photos in her grasp, jumped up, dashed back down the hall, darted into her room and deposited them on her bedside table before rushing downstairs.

"We're late." Sarah Jane scolded, wrapping an arm around Sky's shoulder leading her out the door.

"Clyde, Rani and Luke won't mind." Sky complained.

"That not the point." Sarah countered, locking the door. "Luke is only home for the afternoon. He chose to spend it with us and it's rude to keep him and the others waiting. Now hop in the car." Sky sighed dramatically, before giggling and skipping over to the car. Sarah Jane followed and both mother and daughter headed to lunch.

Sarah Jane was about to head upstairs after having lunch with the children. They all had a wonderful time but Sarah was tired and she just wanted lie down.

"I'm going to lie down. Are you kids alright?" She asked. Clyde nodded, Rani and Sky doing the same.

"We're good; I think we're just going to watch the telly." Sarah nodded and made her way to her room, pulling off her jacket. She reached her bedroom, closing the door behind her. Sarah Jane turned around and froze. On the floor of her closet sat a box.

'What is that doing on the floor? I keep it on the top shelf…I always put it back.' Sarah dropped her jacket on the bed and quickly moved to kneel in front of the box. The lid was half on and Sarah Jane carefully lifted it. Sarah couldn't help the small sob that escaped her; all of the pictures were thrown haphazardly in the box. Sarah Jane put a hand to her mouth and slowly started taking the photographs and documents out, smoothing them and placing them in the correct order.

By the time everything was in order, Sarah realized two pictures were missing. She picked up the box and placed it back on the top shelf. As she did, Sarah noticed the wicker basket at her feet. She suddenly knew where her pictures were.

"Sky." She sighed deeply. Sarah headed to the door, glancing back at her bed, wanting to just climb in and rest.

'I need to get those pictures back right now.' She headed down the hall and down the stairs. Sky, Clyde, and Rani were all laughing at whatever was on the television.

'I'm not going to yell at her. I'm not going to yell at her; she probably doesn't realize that she's done anything wrong.'

"Sky." Sarah Jane called softly from the doorway. Sky spun around, her blonde curls hitting Clyde in the face.

"Watch it Sparky!" He cried.

"Sorry Clyde!" Sky looked up at Sarah with bright eyes.

"Could I speak with you upstairs for a moment?" Sarah Jane asked, trying to keep the building anger, disappointment and frustration out of her voice. The brightness left Sky's eyes.

"Did I do something wrong?" Sky asked a note of fear in her voice. Sarah shook her head.

"Can you please just come upstairs?" Sky exchanged a glace with Rani and Clyde, nodded and got up, following Sarah Jane up the stairs. They walked down the hall to Sarah's bedroom. Sarah Jane sat Sky on the bed and closed the door.

"Am I in trouble?" Sky asked franticness lacing her tone. Sarah Jane walked over and picked the box off the floor and brought it over to the bed.

"Have you seen this box before?" Sarah asked sitting down beside her daughter. Sky clasped her hands together and chewed her bottom lip. Sarah Jane put her box to the side and put a hand on her daughter's thigh, sighing deeply.

"I'm not going to yell at you, sweetheart."

"I didn't mean to!" Sky blurted. "I came in to get my jacket and when I stood up I bumped against the shelf! The box fell and the pictures all fell out! I had to put them back in a hurry because we were late! I didn't mean to knock the box over! I'm sorry!" Tears spilled down her cheeks. Sarah Jane wrapped and arm around her daughter.

"Sky, I'm not mad that you knocked the box over. Yes, you should have been more careful with the pictures and yes, you should have put the box back. I'm upset with you Sky because I know that two pictures are missing and I believe you know where they are." Sky sniffled before getting up and leaving the room. Sarah Jane waited for a moment. Sky came back in, holding the two pictures. She shut the bedroom door and handed them to Sarah, sitting back down on the bed.

Sarah held the pictures gingerly and smiled softly when she saw which was on top.

"Who is he?" Sky asked in a whisper after a minute. Sarah Jane turned to her daughter and smiled.

"His name was Harry. Harry Sullivan."

"You look really happy." Sky added. Sarah sighed.

"We were, once upon a time…" Sky scooted closer to her mother.

"What happened?" She asked. Sarah wrapped an around Sky and pulled her close.

"Sometimes things don't work out."

"But you look so…in love."

"I was; I do still love Harry. But we clashed quite a bit. This picture was taken at a New Year's Eve party right before-" Sarah stopped, not wanting to continue. Sky didn't pick up on her mother's apprehensiveness.

"Before what?" When Sarah Jane didn't continue, Sky did. "Was it before this picture?" She asked, pulling the second photo from underneath the first. Sarah nodded and then stood up, holding out her hand.

"Sky can I have the picture please?" Sky clutched it tightly.

"It looks like a little person. How did something that big fit in such a small picture?" Sarah let out a tiny chuckle.

"She's really quite tiny." Sky looked up at Sarah Jane and Sarah's eyes widened as she realized what she just said.

'I'm not having this discussion with Sky. I'm not.'

"It's a girl? How can you tell?" Sky flipped the picture upside. "There's no hair or anything." Sarah grabbed the picture from her daughter and gazed down at it. She let a heavy sigh, recognizing her daughter would keep asking until she got an answer.

'I can't keep this to myself anymore. Sky will run downstairs and tell Rani and Clyde. They'll tell Luke and then he'll ask questions. Rani and Clyde might tell their mothers and I really don't want to talk about this with Gita…' Sarah Jane sat back down on the bed, placing the picture of her and Harry back in the box. She folded her hands on her lap and stared at them.

"I don't actually know if she's a girl; it was too early to tell…" Sky crunched her nose up in confusion.

"Then how do you know?" She asked. Sarah Jane swallowed; she was determined not to cry.

"A mother just knows these things." Sarah Jane whispered. Both mother and daughter were quiet for a long moment. Sarah unfolded her hands and point to the picture.

"This is the head. And see this?" Sky nodded and Sarah Jane moved her finger to specific parts of the picture. "That's her nose. That skinny thing there is her arm and that's her hand. This one here is her leg and foot. This here is her body." Sky ran her finger along the picture.

"How old was she?" Sarah smiled softly and stroked her finger against the picture of the baby's head.

"She was twelve weeks old. I was so proud of her for that…"

"What do you mean?" Sarah Jane sighed.

"She was the second baby we had. Harry and I. We had five children."

"Where are they? Why don't you ever mention them?" Sarah took Sky's hand in her own and looked at her with sad eyes.

"They…they died." Sarah said, trying to keep her emotions at bay. Sky's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open.

"All of them?" She asked in a hushed voice. Sarah Jane nodded.

"Right after the New Years in that picture you saw, I fell pregnant. I was twenty eight. Harry and I bought this house; we had been living together for a couple of years."

"Did you get married?" Sarah Jane smiled, letting out a laugh.

"No, it wasn't really our style. We knew that we loved each other, we didn't see the point of getting married."

"Was the baby a boy or a girl?" The sparkle felt Sarah's eyes as she thought back to that day.

Sarah Jane stood in kitchen of her new home, unpacking the last of the kitchen supplies. She reached into a box and grabbed a large stack of plates, moving to put them in their proper place when Sarah felt a body press against her own and two hands reached around her to take the plates from her and put them away.

"Harry, what are you doing?" She sighed.

"I'm helping the mother of my child; you know Sarah, you really shouldn't be over exerting yourself." He said, moving his hands to slowly stroke Sarah Jane's lower abdomen. Sarah spun around to face Harry and planted a quick kiss on his lips.

"I'm only six week pregnant; I can handle a stack of plates."

"I think you need to rest, you were tossing and turning all night long." Harry replied, concern in his voice. Sarah Jane wrapped her arms around her lover's neck.

"It was just last night; I'm fine."

"It wasn't just last night; you haven't been sleeping properly in three days." He insisted, wrapping his arms around Sarah's waist. Sarah Jane sighed and leaned her forehead against Harry's shoulder.

"I can't help it; I can't get comfortable because my breasts are sore and then by the time I do get comfortable I have to get up because I have to use the washroom." Harry rubbed a hand up and down her back.

"I'm headed to work for a couple of hours. Maybe you should try to rest while I'm out." Sarah nodded.

"You're right; I'll try and get some rest."

Fifteen minutes later, Harry was gone and Sarah was cuddled on the couch. She had a cup of warm tea and a good book to look forward to when she woke up. Sarah Jane settled down, pulling the blanket close and snuggling her face into the couch pillow, finding sleep come easily.

Sometime later, Sarah was awoken by a persistent pain in her lower abdomen. Sarah Jane bolted upright when she felt a particularly strong cramp. Immediately she knew something was not right. Sarah Jane remembered the mild cramps she ignored last night and the spotting that she had ignored over the past couple of days and realized what was happening as she felt a wetness seeping from in between her legs. She reached underneath the blanket, both knowing and dreading what she would see when she brought her hand back up. When she brought her hand out from under the blanket, Sarah Jane let out a strangled sob at the sight of her blood covered hand.

The cramps that Sarah now knew were contractions increased and she gripped the side of the couch.

"No, no, no." She cried. She waited for the contraction to pass before frantically searching for the phone. Sarah moved slowly off the couch, pain exploding from her lower body. The phone was sitting on a small table near the window. Sarah Jane all but limped over, wrapping an arm around her middle and dialling Harry's numbers as quickly as she could. After the phone rang for eternity, Harry answered.

'Hello?'

"Harry, its Sarah Jane…" She tried her hardest to keep the pain from her voice.

"Sweetheart, what is it? What's wrong?" Sarah let out a small whimper as another contraction started up.

"Harry, it's the baby…something's wrong. I think…" Sarah Jane looked down at the blood that was running down her thighs and soaking through her pants. "Harry, I think I'm miscarrying." She could hear Harry shuffling around and yelling at people on the other end of the phone.

"Sarah, I'm on my way home now." Sarah Jane could hear the fear in his voice that he was trying to hide. "Just lie down and try to calm down. I'll be home as soon as I can. I'll call the hospital and we'll sort this out. You're going to be fine Sarah; I promise you. I love you."

"I love you too." She whimpered. Harry hung up and Sarah Jane slowly made her way back to the couch. She lowered herself down as gently as possible. The contractions continued and Sarah found herself curling into the fetal position. She snuck a hand down under the blanket and placed it over her lower stomach. Tears that she had been holding back spilled down her cheeks. The quiet cries quickly turned into loud sobs as Sarah Jane came to the sudden and full realization of what was happening.

"Mummy's here, baby. I love you." Sarah wept into the empty room, knowing this would be the only time she would ever speak to her child.

Harry was home within the half hour. He burst through the front door and rushed to her side.

"I'm here love. I'm here." He said gently, running a hand through Sarah's hair. Sarah Jane nodded tiredly; she had cried herself out. He scooped her up from the couch, brought her to the car, and drove them to the hospital.

But it was too late. The doctor told Sarah Jane and Harry what they both feared and already knew. Sarah had already lost the baby.

"It was too early to tell." Sarah answered.

"But you said a mother always knows." Sky retorted, confusion evident. Sarah Jane sighed and squeezed Sky's hand.

"Sometimes a mother loses her baby and it's too early for even her to know."

"Oh." Sky said, looking down. After a moment, Sarah Jane continued.

"I lost the first baby at six weeks, the second at twelve, the third at three, the fourth at nine and the fifth…" She trailed off, needing a moment to compose herself. Taking a deep breath, she continued.

"The fifth baby was stillborn."

"What does that mean?"

"It means the baby was carried to term, but died during delivery." Sky flung herself forward, hugging her mother as tight as she possibly could. Sarah Jane clung to her daughter, letting a few stray tears escape.

"What happened to Harry?" Sky asked. Sarah cringed, remembering the day Harry left.

"Harry! Wait!" Sarah ran after her lover, stopping him in the driveway. She caught him, grabbing onto his shoulder. Both Harry and Sarah Jane came to sudden halt and Sarah winced, biting her lip to keep the short cry from escaping her; she was still sore from the delivery four days ago. Harry could feel her wince and he put his bags down, turning to face her.

"You should be resting." He said sadly. Sarah Jane gripped his arm tight, desperate not to lose him.

"Harry please…" She begged. Harry placed his hands on her shoulders and leaned forward, kissing Sarah's forehead.

"I can't do this anymore, Sarah."

"Harry-"

"I can't keep watching you get your hopes up every time you get pregnant! Your hope gives me hope. I can't keep being filled with a hope, just to have it ripped away when I come home and find you in the bathroom or on the couch covered in your own blood! And even though it hurts me, I can't bear to watch you in the pain it put you through. Besides the physical pain, every time we lost a baby, I could see you lose a piece of your soul. You blame yourself every time-" Sarah opened her mouth to speak.

"I don't-"

"You do!" Harry cried. "You say that you don't, but you do! On the outside you look fine, but on the inside, you break apart. I've seen you alone in the nursery. Folding the baby's clothes and crying your heart out. I just can't watch it anymore."

"Then don't! Don't watch; be there for me! Help me get through this! That's people who love each other do!" Harry pulled Sarah Jane close, hugging her tightly.

"I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I love you Sarah, I do, but I need some time." He kissed the top of her head and pulled away, picking up his bags and heading to his car. Tears were rapidly falling down Sarah's face. She couldn't move, but she reached out for Harry.

"Harry, please…I love you! Don't leave!" Harry threw his bags into the back seat, slammed the door and opened the driver's door. He turned back and looked sadly at Sarah.

"And I love you. I'm not leaving forever, Sarah. I will be back." Harry got in the car and drove away, leaving Sarah Jane to stand alone, sobbing in the driveway.

"We separated. In the end it was on good terms. He left, but came back. We worked through it but we were never the same; there was no way we could go back to the way things had been before. We ended up as good friends, up until he died." Sarah Jane couldn't believe what she was saying; she just told her twelve year old daughter her darkest and most well-kept secret. She and Harry were the only ones who knew about the babies; Sarah Jane didn't even tell the Doctor and he was her best friend. Maybe she was only telling Sky because she was tired of bottling it all up. She was tired of spending each of the babies' birthdays crying her heart out in the darkness of the night; she was tired of fearing that she could lose her children at any moment because of her reckless life and she was tired of not having anyone be there for her, being truly there for her.

"Mummy, I'm so sorry." Sky mumbled into Sarah ear, hugging Sarah Jane tighter. "I love you, Mum, and I promise, you'll never lose me." Tears came to Sarah's eyes as she returned her daughter's tight embrace.

"I love you too, baby." She whispered back, praying to whoever was listening that she wouldn't ever lose Luke or Sky.