Never Enough
Momento Mori
Glancing at the clock one last time I sighed. It was now too late to make the reservation and he hadn't arrived, again. I got up slowly, making my way to the bathroom to begin destroying what I had spent all afternoon creating, for him.
After removing the last morsel of make up from my face I made my way to our bedroom to await his arrival.
In the early hours of the morning I heard the front door open and the sound of jingling keys. I turned around, facing away from the door, faining sleep.
The bedroom door opened and I heard the sound of shuffling feet as he walked towards the bed. He whispered my name, hoping to gauge whether or not I was asleep. I did not answer him, but rather concentrated on keeping my breathing slow and steady. I heard him sigh, then turn around and walk into the bathroom. The door closed and I heard the shower turn on.
Once sure that he wouldn't be re-entering the room anytime soon I turned onto my back sighing, allowing my guilt to flood me. I felt appalled at myself for ignoring him. I understood that he had as much control over his time as I did. I had understood that this was the life that I was signing up for when I married him. I still wanted to send the message that I wasn't willing to be a part-time companion for him.
The room was flooded in a sea of light as he re-entered. I watched as he shuffled across the carpet, collapsing onto the bed. I felt his arm wrap around my waist, drawing me closer to him. Saying that he loved me, he drifted into unconsciousness.
I lay awake for what seemed like hours after he'd fallen asleep. I turned around in his arms so that I was facing him. I have always loved to watch him sleep, to watch as the tension of the day as it drifted from his face, making him look his age. Tracing the dark bruises under his eyes I frowned, concerned at how little sleep he got whilst on call for three days. I felt him begin to stir under my touch and quickly withdrew my hand. I realized it was too late though when I saw his eyes flicker open.
'Hey' I whispered, replacing my hand back onto his cheek. I felt him smile under my touch.
'Go back to sleep' I urged him.
'Sorry I missed our date' he whispered before drifting back into unconsciousness.
Sighing, I turned away from him. Happy Anniversary I thought bitterly to myself before drifting to sleep also.
The next morning I was awoken by him whispering my name into my ear. After noticing that I was stirring he smiled, 'Morning Love' he whispered before lightly kissing my cheek.
I got out of bed and was heading towards the bathroom when I felt him grab my wrist, holding me back.
'Don't you want to hear my excuse?'
I sighed, 'I don't need to' and continued making my way to the bathroom.
'There was an emergency' he called out after me.
'Of course there was' I retorted 'that's why they call it the emergency room'. I heard him chuckle as I turned on the shower.
When I re-entered the room I noticed that he was still in bed.
'When do you start today?' I questioned, before going and sitting beside him.
'Three' he groaned.
'Can't you get the day off? They kept you in late last night!' I complained.
'Sorry love' he said, running his fingers through his hair.
'Why not?' I said, exasperated now.
'If I don't work then I can't afford to buy you everything that you want or desire' he explained.
I sighed, 'don't you get it? I don't want it if it's a trade for you.'
He sat up, pulling me towards him, 'I know love, it's just until I finish my residentry, then I'll have more time.
'I know' I sighed, leaning into him.
We stayed like that until he had to leave. Basking in whatever time we had together. As three o'clock neared, l became anxious, 'What time do you get off again?'
'It's a twelve hour shift, so at about three o'clock tomorrow morning'
I sighed, leaning further into him, wishing he had more time off.
After he left, I pulled my easel out and placed a fresh canvas on top. Pulling my charcoal out of its tin, I began to sketch. As time progressed, an image of he and I began to take shape. We were sitting on the hill side, watching the fire works, wrapped in each others arms. After I finished, I recognized the scene for what it should have been, last night. After completing my sketch I went into the kitchen to make a few sandwiches. Then I grabbed my sketch and headed to the hospital.
The emergency room was a flurry of activity and noise.
'Can I help you miss?' the frazzled receptionist called to me over the noise. After making my way around the numerous bodies I reached the reception desk.
'I'm here to see my husband' I explained.
'Name?' she inquired, already looking through the admittance database, in search for my unknown husband.
'Doctor Mason' I said 'Edward'
The receptionist paused in her movements and looked up at me with surprise, 'Oh'. Then she was back to work, looking through the examination timetables of the doctors, pausing on Edwards's sheet.
'Okay' she finally said, glancing back up at me, 'well, he's with a patient at the moment'.
'I can wait,' I replied, making my way towards the less than adequate hospital seating.
Glancing up at the television screen, I estimated that I had been waiting for about thirty minutes. Based, of course, on the fact that Neighbours had finished and the dreaded Big Brother was nearing its end. Sighing I looked away, trying to avoid the gaze of the disease ridden, hoping to avoid conversation.
As I was contemplating whether or not to risk reading one of the possibly infected magazines to curb my boredom, he burst into the room. The look of concern as he rushed towards me was palpable. I felt his eyes scan my features, assessing me. When he reached me, he fell to his knees in front of me, scanning my face for any hint of illness.
'What's wrong? What happened?' he exclaimed urgently, roaming his hands up and down my arms, still checking.
Smiling slightly, I moved his hands from where they were assessing me and placed them in my hands.
'I'm ok' I said, smiling at his obvious concern. 'Really' I insisted, in response to the look of disbelief that flashed across his face.
'I just wanted to see you' I murmured, no longer looking him in the eyes, gazing instead at our entwined hands.
I heard him sigh as he pulled me out of my chair, leading me to a less crowded section of the waiting room.
'Doctor Mason' we heard someone call out, in sync with his beeper that chose that moment to begin buzzing. Sighing, he looked down at his beeper, then back up at me. I had seen that look before.
'I bought you something to eat, in case you were hungry,' I said quickly, reaching for the sandwiches, to use as a bargaining tool for his time.
He smiled at me and took a bite 'thanks'.
'Doctor Mason!' we heard a more urgent voice call.
He sighed and began to move towards the voice.
'Wait!' I cried out, catching his wrist and holding him back with me. 'I have something for you,' I declared, pulling out my sketch.
He turned his body slightly towards me, and glanced over his shoulder back at me and his picture. 'Its beautiful love, but I really have to go' he said, pulling away from me.
'But you haven't even finished your sandwich yet' I argued.
At the moment, his beeper began to buzz, again.
'I know' he sighed, 'but I don't have the time, I have to get back to work.'
'You don't have time for me you mean' I called out after him, stopping him dead in his tracks. He turned back towards me; guilt encasing me when as caught sight of the raw pain now etched onto his face.
He made a move towards me as the voice rung out through the waiting room again, 'Doctor Mason!' He glanced towards the voice, then back at me, torn.
'There you are' I heard the voice of the receptionist claim, and I watched as she led him from me. His decision had been made for him.
Leaving the hospital, I threw his half eaten sandwich into the bin.
Arriving back at home, I walked straight to my easel, placing my earlier picture on top. Getting out my coloured charcoal I began to fix the sketch that I had spent all afternoon creating. Adding variations of colour to the sketch, gave me time to think, to reassess. When I finished my recreated picture, I left it on the easel, refusing to even glance at it.
Whilst cleaning my art supplies, I glanced quickly up at my newest creation, and was startled to see that whilst adding colour to it, I had used only variations of the colour brown.
Looking back through a worn out art book, I came across the colour spectrum, which I had used for all of my creations. After a quick glance, I looked back up at my picture and began to laugh. The irony that brown was left out of the colour spectrum had not escaped me.
On closer inspection, I noticed that I had added the Latin phrase 'Dum loquimur, fugerit invida aetas' into the bottom right hand corner.
'Carpe diem' I whispered, finishing the poem, as I began making my way towards our spare bedroom.
The sheets felt stale and cold, having sat there for well over a year. The room smelt musty and old. I made a mental note to open the windows in the morning as I drifted into unconsciousness.
I was woken early the next morning as he carried me back to our bedroom. Sighing, I leaned into the warmth of his body, wrapping my arms around his neck.
'Sh, go back to sleep' he whispered as he placed me onto our bed, helping me under the covers.
'I really do love your picture love' he whispered to me, 'but what did you do to it? There's so much brown in it now, I liked it better before'.
'No' I disagreed, in my half conscious state, 'there's not enough'
'And the Latin?'
Half asleep, I replied without thinking, 'even as we speak, envious time is running away from us'
'Alright then love' I heard him sigh, wrapping his arms around me and drawing me closer to him.