Death to Mary Sue!, a kingdom hearts fanfic

Oh well… damn. I'm sick and tired of seeing self inserts and Mary Sues. It's hard to find a good story with a well written un-Mary Sueish OC. One example would be Alysa from Gravity. She's one of those rare original characters you can appreciate. So, in order to express my hatred of the Mary Sues, and to kick my writers block for The Sea of You and Me, I decided to write this story. The overuse of fangirl Japanese killed my spellchecker. My little sister just made me re-watch the Cat in the Hat. So much crack in it…

Disclaimer: I. Do. Not. Own. Kingdom. Hearts.

Death to Mary Sue!

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Oh no! Oh no! What should we do?

Too many fics of Mary Sues!

It's okay! We can fix it!

There's much we can do!

To defeat the awful reign,

Of the Mary Sues!

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"Jeeze Louise!" Mary Sue kicked her frozen dead PS2. "This PS2 does not fit my perfectness at all. It should be lulled to work by my sheer kawaiiness and perfection."

Suddenly, the PS2 opened a vortex that sucked Mary Sue in. As she fell, she started screaming, "Oh no! This is totally abunai! Abunai! Abunai to my face!"

Miraculously, she landed on her feet in a white castle. Looking around, the blonde observed what was in the room that she currently in the middle of. Thirteen chairs surrounded her, each currently seating people of various heights and sizes in matching black coats.

"Oh no!" she cried, "I was sucked into a vortex created by my imperfect PS2 and dropped into this strange white castle with people in blank coats staring at me!"

Xemnas dropped his hood and glared at her, "I think we all know that by now from reading the above lines, you idiot."

Mary Sue started to quite fakely sob, "Ohmigod! You're so cruel! Isn't your heart captured by my kawaiiness and my deep beautiful amethyst eyes?"

The leader of the organization glared at her harder, "Saix is sexier."

The girl slightly flinched at this comment.

Omg! I'm in a room with a nasty yucky gay homo! Iiyada! What if it spreads to me and turns me into gasp a lesbian.

She looked around the room more, since all of the members of the Organization had let down their hoods.

No way! This is Kingdom hearts! So if it is… it must mean that my uberly kawaii Roxas is here! Sugoi!

Leaping onto Roxas, she latched onto him. Meanwhile, an angry Axel glared at her. If looks could kill…

"Roxas! My number two love!"

Roxas's eyes widened as this icky girl that was hugging him. He attempted to rip the girl's arms off him, but to no avail. He paused for a second.

Wait, I'm number two. So who's number one?

"If I'm number two, who's number one?" Roxas said, relaying his thoughts. Mary Sue let go of him, which made the boy sigh in relief, and placed her hands above her heart, twirling around.

"Why of course," she sighed, "It is the all too sexy and beautiful Riku, whose perfectness matches mine. Riku is ichiban in my heart! He is my soul mate! And I am his!"

All of the Organization thought, If only she really knew…

During her rant, Roxas decided to flee to the bedrooms to hide from the blonde girl all decked out in pink. Axel noticed that his boyfriend had left and decided to follow him. Larxene, being the manly woman she was, resisted the urge to ripped of Mary Sue's golden locks. Xemnas discreetly held his hand up in the air, signaling to the other Nobodies that they should leave. He counted down on his hand.

5. 4. 3. 2. 1…

All of the organization then leapt out of their chairs and headed for the door.

"Hey! Where do you think you're all going?" Mary Sue screeched.

Demyx petted his poor pet moogle Kumop before throwing him at Mary Sue, "Somewhere!"

"Oh no you don't! I- hey! A moogle!" the blondie evilly grinned, eying the red pom-pom.

Demyx sobbed as they left his poor moogle behind, "Alas Kumop. I knew you well."

Zexion sighed as he petted his lover on the head. "It's okay. I'll get you a new one," he said, attempting to soothe Demyx.

The dirty blond hugged his boyfriend, "Yay! I love you Zexy!"

Larxene raised an eyebrow as she watched disgustedly, "If you two wouldn't mind? We are trying to escape from evil. Or would you rather succumb to that pink freak?"

The two looked each other in the eyes. Heeding Larxene's advice, they ran away as fast as hell.

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"So what do you suggest we do about this… Mary Sue problem?" Zexion asked their leader. The entire Organization was hiding out in Vexen's lab.

"Leave it to me," Vexen said. "Zexion, would you happen to have your electronic spellchecker with you?"

"What do you need my spellchecker for?" The blue-ish haired man eyed him suspiciously. Nonetheless, Zexion reached into his pocket and pulled out said electronic.

After fiddling around with it, Vexen declared it finished. "Now, all we need is someone who can stick this on the back of her neck."

All of the men clambered onto the other side of the lab room, pointing at Larxene.

"What the hell! Why me!"

"Well, you're the only girl here so… I dunno. Make nice with her?" said Demyx.

"Make nice with her?" Larxene shouted, "Fuck you! I wll not be turned feminine."

Saix decided just to throw her out of the room at the moment, placing the device in her hand. As the door shut behind her, she grumbled, heading back to the conference room. But she didn't expect what she saw there. As she entered the room, she noticed that Kumop was currently half-dead in Mary Sue's arms, pom-pom fallen off with too much prodding, and in replacement, Mary Sue had placed a big fat pink bow on it. Hiding the device behind her back, the smarter blonde of the two advanced towards the other.

"Hey, uh, Mary Sue," Larxene had grown exceedingly nervous. It was either do or die, "Why don't we, I don't know, share beauty secrets…?"

Mary Sue's eyes lit up in excited, "Like, sure! Well, you sure don't have any beauty secrets from the looks of it, but I'll sure tell you my own."

Larxene's eye twitched as Mary Sue flipped her hair.

Larxene moved closer, "Oh, Mary-chan," she winced at the mixed-in Japanese, "you have a sequin on your neck. I'll get it off."

Mary Sue happily nodded and lifted up her hair, which gave Larxene the perfect opportunity to slap the device on her neck. Mary Sue gasped at the sudden pain then glared at the other blonde for the sudden pain.

"Jeeze! What was that for?"

Larxene shrugged, "It wouldn't come off." Then she muttered under her breath, "Bitch."

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Larxene fakely smiled. She noticed that Kumop was currently in the corner where Mary Sue had thrown him. She sighed, then snapped her fingers, making a bolt of lightning appear, striking Kumop dead on, putting it out of its misery.

Damn. That moogle deserves honors for dying like this.

"Oh darn! And that moogle was just beginning to get fun. Oh well," Mary Sue pulled out her pink eye shadow, "Let's get started."

Larxene's eye twitched yet again. Then, calmly, but surely, she turned tail and ran back towards the safe haven of Vexen's lab.

Mary Sue ran as well, following her, "Hey! Chotto matte kudasai!"

With those words, the electronic device on the back of her neck beeped.

"Words 'Chotto matte kudasai' not found. Commencing reason for purpose."

A current of twenty thousand volts of electricity ran through Mary Sue's body, Larxene turning to see why she had screamed. The smell of singed hair, much reminding her of the time Demyx walked in on Axel and Roxas in the bedroom, invaded her nostrils. Mary Sue lay very still on the floor.

Larxene smirked and headed back towards the lab again. Vexen really could be a damn genius sometimes… sometimes. She knocked on the door and Saix opened it warily, eyes shifting left and right.

"You dealt with her, right?"

"Of course," she haughtily said. With those words, Saix let her quickly slip through, shutting the door immediately as son as she was inside. Zexion was furiously typing on Vexen's keyboard.

He looked up from the screen, "Apparently from my research, it seems like the factors of the usual Mary Sues and OC's are: beauty, deep eyes that 'can capture your soul', the ability to make friends out of everyone, have the main character and every one else fall in love with her, be absolutely perfect at everything, have a tragic past, and are the strongest out of all the characters."

"That about says it all. Good thing that most of us are gay and we have no hearts," Xigbar said.

Larxene shrugged, "So I'm guessing from your research that the device won't kill her."

Demyx looked up from the bunches of paper he was scribbling on, "Nope!"

"Oh cra-"

They were suddenly multiple thuds against the locked door. Due to Mary Sue's incredible strength, she had grabbed one of Roxas's many struggle bats and started breaking down the door. The Organization ran for cover, attempting to hide from the freak. Demyx grabbed the slips of papers and ran for cover behind Zexion, who was hiding under the computer desk. Mary Sue 'gracefully' punched a hole through the steel door.

"That really hurt!" she yelled at them.

Demyx attacked, "Dance, water, dance!"

The water clones launched themselves at her, pasting Demyx's slips of paper upon her forehead. The water beings dissolved, and Mary Sue took off one of the many slips of paper stuck on her head to look at it.

"Nani?" –Bzzzzzz- After a few seconds, she recovered, "What's this? I can't read it!"

Demyx stared at her strangely then turned to his boyfriend, "She speaks Japanese mixed up in her sentences, but she can't read katakana?"

Mary Sue grew even more infuriated, "How am I supposed to know what it says. Rkt?"

-Bzzzzz-

"What does it say, Dem?"

Demyx handed Zexion one of his extra slips of paper. Written upon it were the katakana 'ヤオイ'. Zexion, of course with his book smarts, had already memorized hiragana and katakana, and could read it.

Zexion raised his eyebrow, "Spiritual demon exorcising seals that have the word 'yaoi' written on them?"

Demyx nodded furiously. Mary Sue stared at the couple, a confused look spreading across her face.

"Yow-wee?"

Zexion sighed, rubbing his temples, "How should I explain this…? Well, first of all, you pronounced it wrong. Second of all, yaoi is an acronym for 'yama nashi, ochi nashi, imi nashi', which can be translated to "no climax, no punch line, no meaning", or "no peak, no point, no problem". However, it is not an acronym for "Yamete! Oshiri itai!", which means, "Stop! My ass hurts!" Third, it is often also referred to as BL or Shonen-ai, both of which mean 'boy love'."

Mary sue appeared zoned-out, attempting to absorb the facts, "…Boy love…?"

Zexion smacked himself in the head, while Demyx answered for him while hugging him tightly, "What Zexy's trying to say is, yaoi is two or more boys humping!"

"Humping! So that means…gay sex!" Mary Sue screamed, then passed out.

Demyx grinned, "Yay! Yaoi defeats all!"

"You can let go of me now."

"No way! I like it here."

"Well," Vexen interrupted, "We're going to have to find some way to get rid of her permanently."

Zexion smirked, "Well since it's apparently she dislikes yaoi… ah, Axel and Roxas aren't here, so that means they're probably in Axel's room…"

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An hour later, Mary Sue awoke and picked herself off the marble floor.

"Ah? Nani?" –Bzzzz- Mary Sue had finally grown resistant of the shocks, "Itai suru! Where am I?"

Demyx waved to her from the end of the hall, "Hey, Mary! We figured you'd wanna get some beauty sleep, so we prepared a room for you!"

Mary Sue flicked her hair, "Well of course I need some beauty sleep. I mean, look at this face! I can't afford any dark circles under my beautiful eyes."

Demyx fakely smiled, "Why of course! That's why we prepared Riku's old room for you."

"Ohmigod! Riku's old room! Like, no way!" Mary Sue rushed over to the room that Demyx was gesturing at. But she wasn't prepared for what awaited her. As she opened the door, she found herself staring at naked Axel who was screwing a naked Roxas into the mattress.

"Oh god! My eyes!" She ran out of the room and into the room next door.

Zexion looked up from hickeyfiying the neck of a half unclothed Demyx, "Yeah. We said that too when we first saw it."

"No, you said that, " replied the flushed Demyx, "I was just turned on."

Mary Sue screamed again and ran into the next room.

Riku looked up from the sight of a writhing handcuffed Sora he was currently inside of, to a frazzled blonde girl whom was pale from the trauma she was facing.

"R-Riku!"

The platinum-haired boy scowled, "Do you mind? We're kind of busy."

Mary Sue promptly exited the room, panting and she leaned against the now shut door. Feeling woozy, she stared at her feet, willing for herself to calm down.

"No, no, no!" she cried, staring at her hands. "Iie! I'm melting! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeltiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinggggggggggg……"

Mary Sue was now only a yellow puddle at the base of the door.

Demyx whistled, "Whew. Wonder what would've happened if she'd seen that threesome with Leon, Cloud, and Sephiroth last week."

-End-

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-Ranting you probably won't want to read-

Dammit. So much crack. I hate Mary Sues soooooooo much. And some Japanese her you might not know. Uh, well. Hah. I'm a major otaku, so even though I get pissed off when people mix in Japanese with English, I still know a bit of basic Japanese, like "Itai suru": that hurts, "Abunai": danger, "Chotto matte kudasai": Please wait a little, "Kawaii": cute.

Well, since people mistake me for Japanese since I usually ask questions in Japanese and read the Japanese to English dictionary for fun. I study Japanese in my free time. So I get pissed of when people write in fangirl Japanese, like "That's so kawaii". If you want to speak in Japanese, write the whole damn thing in Japanese.

Hawaii's fun! Otaku girl like I am, I bought a Kimono, obi and hair ornaments there. So cool there! Most of the things I bought there are Japanese…

Oh… wow. Sorry about my ranting. I decided to read Naruto fics again, and the blatant overuse of fangirl Japanese pisses me off, and if you read summaries here of the latest posted stories, I'm sorry, but NO ONE READS SELF-INSERTS AND PAIRINGS WITH OC'S.

-End ranting-

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Well, thanks for reading and review! Remember. Yaoi beats all!