AN: Well, here it is, the moment you've all been waiting for. Dean's return, so I won't ruin it, by posting a long Author's Note.
Title: above and below
Summary:''When things get hard, you don't run, you hold on tighter.''
Pairing: Dean/Ruby
Genre: Angst/Romance
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I do not own SPN or any of the characters.
above and below
Ten months have passed. It's March now, and things have changed since she's taken the job at Joey's. She still doesn't talk much, she still misses him every waking moment of every single day, and she still wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. Only now she has good days and bad. On the good days, she'll almost be able to forget what it feels like not to be able to breathe. On the good days, she'll smile and not feel guilty. But on the bad days, she'll find herself in the storage room at Joey's, crying her eyes out because something, anything, has reminded her of him.
Joey's still trying to help, still treating her like she's his long lost daughter, asking her how today was, how she's doing, if she's getting enough sleep. She's still not sure why, she thinks his life would be much more simpler if he didn't have to take care of her. But she's not going to tell him to stop.
Yes, she has good days and bad.
Today was a good day.
Until everything she's been working for, all the progress she's made, disappears like it was never there, when her old life walks into the bar with green eyes and a killer smirk.
--00--
She's sitting at the bar, trying - keyword: trying - to do the inventory, her back to the door, when the bell above the door rings, signaling a customer. She doesn't turn around, but slides off the barstool with a sigh, and moves behind the counter. Before she even turns around, a voice rings out, clear as day.
''So you're a working girl now, huh, baby? That's hot.''
Instantly, she groans and presses a hand to her forehead, sure the voice is in her head. ''Go away. I'm working.'' The last thing she needs is to hear voices that aren't there while she's working. Joey already thinks she's damaged, she doesn't need him thinking she's insane too.
''Ruby...'' The voice in her head trails off, like he's not sure what else to say.
''You're not real,'' She whispers, closing her eyes and trying to keep her breathing even. ''You're just in my head.''
''Ruby, will you please turn around?''
Her eyes snap open, and her heart starts to beat wildly, because that's a different voice. One she doesn't hear in her head. ''Sam?'' She whirls around and swears her heart stops for just a second, because she finds herself staring into green eyes so familiar they tear another piece of her away. ''No.'' Her voice wobbles, and she takes a step back.
''Ruby,'' Sam says calmly, even though he looks anything but calm. ''Please calm down. It really is him.''
Her vision blurs and she shakes her head, wanting to wake up from whatever dream this is. It's a trick, it's not him, it can't be him. ''No.'' Her insides turn over, her head pounds, the room spins and she's sure she's about to pass out.
The...The thing that's taken the face of the man that loved her stands, his green eyes desperately pleading with her to just believe. ''Honey, just listen to me.''
There.
There's the proof that it's not him. He never called her 'honey'. ''You're not him,'' She tries to say it fiercely, but it comes out sounding weak and distorted. ''You're not him, you can't be.''
''Baby, I'm real.''
She shakes her head, closes her eyes and prays to wake up. ''It's not him, it's not him, it's not him....''
''Ruby?''
A new voice. Oh, wonderful, let's include more people in this latest breakdown.
''Sweetheart, what's wrong? Do you know these guys?''
She opens her eyes, looks at the faces of the three men that love her, and then....she runs.
--00--
She turns the lock on the bathroom door and backs away slowly, waiting for the pounding to start. It doesn't take long. The pounding on the door sounds louder then it should, and it hurts her head as the voice she's only heard in her sweetest delusions comes through the closed door. ''Ruby, you have to believe me.''
But she doesn't have to believe him, because he's not real. Her back hits the dirty wall of the dirty bathroom and her legs give out beneath her. Her breaths start to come in short, uneven gasps and her chest hurts. Great, now she's having a panic attack. Well, there goes everything she's worked for. All the progress she's made, down the drain.
This isn't real, this can't be happening, she was getting better, she was just starting to be okay. Maybe it's all a dream. That's the only explanation, because these things don't happen, people don't come back. Sobs well in her chest and explode as his voice continues to drift through the door.
''Look, I can prove it's really me. You just...You just have to open the door.''
''Please,'' She manages to gasp out through ragged cries and gasps for breath, as she turns her gaze to the ceiling. ''Please make it stop.'' He's not here, he's not real, he's gone. He is not coming back.
''Ruby, sweetheart, open the door.'' Joey's voice is as calm and fatherly as usual, but this time it does nothing to calm her down. ''I know this is hard to believe, but I think he's telling the truth.''
''Leave me alone!'' She's breaking again, cracking into tiny little pieces and she's not sure she'll be able to come back after this.
He's gone, he's gone, he's gone, he's gone, he's -
The frantic knocking stops and she looks up, through blurry eyes. She waits for the big, dramatic part where one of the big, strong men outside kick down the door, but it never comes. Everything's silent and still, like nothing happened. She gives herself a moment to concentrate on her breathing, and then she gets to her feet, cautiously moving towards the door. Maybe this was all some sort of weird hallucination. Maybe nothing happened. Maybe it's a completely normal, uneventful day. As she reaches for the doorknob, she's somehow managed to convince herself that none of it happened and she's just gone off the deep end.
No big deal.
Then she hears a key in the lock and the door swings open, and he's standing there, looking....well, really, really good. For a corpse. A broken cry escapes her dry lips and she stumbles backwards, trying to find the words to cry out for help. Her frightened eyes dart over his shoulder, searching for someone to save her from her beautiful delusion, but both Joey and Sam are gone, and now she's all alone with her insanity. If it were anyone eyes standing in front of her, anything else, she could deal with him, she could use the strength she's gained back and fight to win, but this isn't anyone else. Whatever he is, demon, shapeshifter, ghost, she's sure she won't be able to fight him.
''Ruby,'' He sounds calm, looks calm, but she knows he's not. ''You need to listen to me.'' He takes a step towards her, she takes two steps back, like a frightened animal. He stops when he sees fear in her eyes. ''You're afraid of me.''
''I'm afraid of lots of things.''
''You're the most fearless person I know.''
''Stop.'' Her voice is trembling and she thinks, knows, that in all her months of suffering, she's never been as close to the edge as she is right now. ''Stop trying to be him. You're not him.''
''I can prove to you it's really me.''
''How?''
''Uh...'' He pauses for a moment, and it's clear he hasn't really thought any of this through. ''Okay, let's see, something only you and I know. Oh! Do you remember the first time you kissed me? I do. Like it was yesterday. You hustled me at pool. Remember? Walked right up to me, kissed me and won the game. Come on, you have to...'' he pauses and she sees him take a shuddering breath, his green eyes begging her to believe in him. ''You have to remember this.''
Every single word he says brings a new wave of pain. ''Please,'' She begs, like she's begging for her life. She's barely living as it is. ''Stop.''
''What about the first time I said I love you?''
She clutches her head, because it feels like it's going to explode. All these memories she's tried to block out are rushing through her mind and it hurts so bad.
''I was mad at you,'' He moves towards her and she can't find the strength to move away. ''I can't even remember what you did to make me so angry, but I just...I just blurted it out. I didn't even mean to say it, and it took me a long time to accept that I meant it because...because I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you. You weren't supposed to be the one..the one that made me feel that way. You weren't supposed to be the one who saved me. But you did. You saved me, Ruby. Do you remember that?''
''I...'' She swallows hard and tries to breathe around the tears that are suffocating her. ''I remember,'' She says, and she knows the truth. This is real, he's is real, he's not gone, he's standing right in front of her, and it's really him. It brings a whole new set of emotions raging through her system. Emotions she had thought were lost to her.
All the things she couldn't feel before, all the things she was afraid to feel, she feels now. There's a million of them. But one stands out.
Anger.
She focuses her gaze on the dirty floor and her hands curl into fists. When she looks back up, her eyes are black, the darkest onyx imaginable.
He sighs. ''Damn.''
Her fist collides with his face next, hard enough to send him to the ground. ''You...You...bastard!''
He groans and rises to his feet. ''Okay, yeah, that wasn't exactly the greeting I had hoped for.''
''I hate you!'' She's angry now. For all the pain, all the suffering, all the nights of crying her eyes out and screaming for him until her throat was raw, for everything he's made her feel and more. Her hand comes into contact with his cheek, a loud crack echoing through the room. ''You stupid, stupid, jackass!'' Angry tears well in her eyes, because she just can't take this anymore. She doesn't even feel like Ruby anymore, and it's all his fault. ''You're not supposed to be able to do this to me!'' She hits him on the chest, tears spilling over and running down her cheeks. ''I'm supposed to be strong!'' She hits him again, and again, until she's shaking and shivering with broken cries, and she doesn't know how to stop.
''Ruby, Ruby, stop.'' He finally manages to grab ahold of her wrists and all the strength she has left drains out of her and she collapses into him.
''You left me!''
This time, when she goes crashing to the floor, she takes him with her. ''You should have fought harder! You should have stayed with me! You left me here all alone!''
''I'm sorry,'' He murmurs into her hair, her tears soaking through his shirt and into his skin. There's more emotion in his voice then she's ever heard. It comes so close to scaring her. ''I'm sorry,'' He whispers again, and his grip on her tightens, like he's afraid to let go. ''I'm so sorry, baby.''
And she holds onto him tighter, because she knows now that she's not the only one broken.
--00--
Her head feels heavy from all the crying and her throat hurts from all the screaming, he looks worn, like he's aged ten years, and both of them look so small, so tired and so lost, unsure of their next move. Finally, she speaks up. ''How...How long ago did you get back?''
He moves his gaze to her eyes and she finds his green eyes are almost as lost as hers. ''A few days ago. It took awhile to track you down.''
She nods, and a flash of silver on her finger catches her eye. ''Oh.'' She slides the ring off and holds it out to him. ''I suppose you want this back.''
He looks at the ring for a long time before he reaches out and takes it. But, before she can draw her hand away, he grabs it and throws her the smallest of smiles, as he slips the ring back onto her finger, and promises a future she's not sure he's ready to give. ''It looks better on you.''
She smiles softly, but just as quick as the smile appeared, it disappears, and her breath catches in her throat, because, what if this is all a dream? ''Dean,'' She rasps. ''I missed you.''
He pulls her to him and kisses her head, and she's terrified he's going to disappear, so she grasps a fistful of his shirt, trying to keep him from slipping through her fingertips. ''I know, I missed you too.''
''Promise me you'll never leave me again.'' He doesn't say anything and panic grows in her chest. ''Promise me, Dean.''
He sighs against her hair, like he's not going to promise her anything and just as she's starting to get that familiar feeling of a panic attack coming, he whispers, ''I promise,'' and seals their fate.
She lets out a breath she hadn't know she was holding, and tries to compose herself, pulling away from him and wiping at her sore eyes. ''Good. Because if I lose you again, I don't think I'll be able to come back.''
''You're not going to lose me.'' He reaches over and takes her hand, fingering the silver ring on her finger. ''I love you,'' He says, and his voice sounds raw and strained, and she knows it's going to be a long way home for both of them.
''I know.'' She leans a little closer. ''I love you too.'' Slowly, too slowly for her, their lips meet and the kiss doesn't feel as hungry and sexually charged as any of their other kisses. Instead, it feels cautious and somewhat broken and desperate, as if they're both only holding on by a thread.
He's back now, but that doesn't mean everything's okay.
--00--
''I don't think it's a good idea for me to stay with you tonight,'' He says after the sun has set and they've talked about...everything.
She's decided to go with him and Sam, like that's a surprise. They do need her help after all. She doesn't really understand it, how he's back, why he's back, she's not sure if she believes in this angel stuff, but she'll take what she can get, and if this is a dream, she hopes she never wakes up. She's never been happier.
Really.
But...there is something....something that's eating away at her and pulling her away from him. She wonders, in devastation, is maybe it's too late, if maybe he's been gone just a little too long. If they're to crash and burn, if they're doomed, then she'd rather have the memories of before. So, she agrees with him, with a ghost of a smile on her face. ''Yeah, that's probably for the best. I think...I think we both need some time to think.'' The words sound so strange coming from her lips. She's spent ten months, almost an entire year wishing for him to come back to her and now that he has, she's pushing him away.
What's that about?
She supposes she's just trying to protect her heart.
''Everything's alot more complicated now, isn't it, Ruby?'' He smirks, or tries to, and reaches out, brushing a strand of blonde hair away from her face.
She closes her eyes briefly at the contact. ''Yeah, it is.'' When she opens her eyes, her blue eyes meet his green ones and they say everything and nothing at all.
''I should go.'' He grabs her hand and pulls her towards him, kissing her forehead.
At the contact, her world shifts and rearranges into a scene she's very familiar with.
''Dean, you only have two months left!''
He sighs in exasperation and turns around to face her, green eyes annoyed. ''I was aware of that, Ruby, but thanks for letting me know.''
''Two months. That's sixty days.''
''Well, congratulations, darlin', you can count.''
She lets out a small screech of frustration and when he tries to turn away, she reaches out and grabs his hand. ''Dean,'' She hates how quiet and soft her voice is, because that's not her, she's not weak, she's strong, stronger then him. ''Two months, and you're already pulling away from me.''
''I'm not pulling away from you.''
''You are!'' God, this man is the most frustrating person on the face of the earth. ''Don't lie to me, Dean! When was the last time we talked? I mean, really talked?''
He blinks and looks at her oddly. ''Ruby, when have we ever talked?''
''We used to talk all the time. You've hardly said two words to me. In two days!''
He pulls his hand away from hers and runs a hand down his face, looking tired. He doesn't say anything and she bites back a frustrated growl. ''What do you want me to say?'' He asks, after forever has passed between them.
''I don't know, something! Anything! Tell me how you're feeling.''
''You want me to talk about my feelings?''
''Yes.''
''You want me to talk about my feelings? Ruby, do you even remember who we are? We don't do that.''
''Well, we do now. Congratulations, Winchester, you've turned me into a real girl. Now, please, just talk to me.'' She doesn't sound like herself, she sounds like some pathetic weakling and she hates it, but she's worried about him, and she'll do whatever it takes just to get him to talk to her again.
He rolls his eyes and waves his hand dismissivly, turning away from her. ''I'm tired, I'm going to bed. Maybe we can have a heart to heart tomorrow.''
She watches him walk away for a minute and then she crosses her arms across her chest and smirks, because she's found his weakness. ''Dean,'' She calls after him and he stops, and she sees him heave a sigh. She moves a little closer. This is gauranteed to get a little feeling out of him. ''I know you're scared, baby.'' She waits, calmly, for his reaction. He doesn't disappoint.
He whirls around, and reaches out, grabbing her arms and yanking her towards him in a dangerously tight grip. ''I am not scared!'' He snarls, fire in his eyes. She grins and licks her lips, totally and completely calm, seemingly oblivious to the painful lock he has on her arms. The fire in his eyes dies out and he lets go of her, regret pooling in his eyes. ''I..I'm sorry.''
She wraps her arms around him, because she can't find the words to comfort him, and pretends not to notice when his hands dig into her skin because he's afraid to let go. ''It's perfectly normal to be scared of going to hell, Dean. But you can't just walk away from the people who love you because things get hard. When things get hard, you don't run, you hold on tighter.''
''You sound like a fortune cookie.''
''I'm serious. I don't want to lose you.'' At least not yet, Her mind screams.
He smiles, just a small smile, and kisses her on the lips quickly. ''Okay then. You won't lose me.''
''Good, 'cause that would really make me mad and I'd hate to have to bruise your pretty face.''
''Pretty?''
''I meant handsome.''
''Damn straight.''
And then she's back in the present with a jolt, and she's just realized something very important.
She's being a complete and total idiot.
Here she is, with everything she wants standing right in front of her and she's ready to throw things away because things might get hard? That's not what's supposed to happen. When things get harder, she's not supposed to run, she's supposed to hold on tighter. How did she forget that? She's spent ten months wishing, hoping, praying and screaming for him to come back and guess what? He's back. He's back and he's all hers and now is the time she chooses to be careful with her heart?
God, all the months of pain and suffering have turned her into a fucking loon.
She's startled out of her own mind when his hand slips from hers and he turns to leave.
Holy crap, she could really lose him.
Again.
''Dean!'' She reaches out, grabs his hand, pulls him back to her and kisses him hard on the lips, giving everything she has left into this one gesture. In the kiss, she remembers something. She remembers who she is.
It seems like eternity passes before they break apart, both breathless. ''Well, that was...'' He clears his throat and tries to catch his breath. ''Different.''
''Dean, I like you.''
''Uh...thanks?''
She rolls her eyes, but can't keep away the smile that stretches across her face. ''I like you, as in, like you, love you, don't want to lose you. And if you walk away right now, I'm going to lose you, and I refuse to do that again, because I'm already partially broken, and I'm not going to break anymore. So, stay.'' She moves closer and presses herself into him, smiling a smile that feels too big to fit on her face. ''Stay with me.''
And really, who's he to deny a lady?
Yes, it's going to be a long time until they're both okay, and they're never going to be the same, but they're going to make it home eventually, and for now, they're okay with being a little bit broken and damaged.
Normal's overrated anyways.
When the door slams shut, outside, in the dark of the night, with a new moon hanging over head, the wind blows away the darkness and brings a new day and two voices ring out through the night, bringing hope to everyone who needs it.
''Promise me you'll never leave me again. Promise me, Dean.''
''I promise.''
end
AN: Well, there you have it. Don't forget to review.
Kisses, Becks