A/N: I started on this little story after hearing that Heath won the Golden Globe. It's just a small tribute to the fun I've had following his performance in the Dark Knight. It'll probably be just a one-shot, but you let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Seditionary

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My Boyfriend, the Joker

Hey...don't I know you? Sure, you're, uh...now, just a minute... sorry, I'm reeeally bad with names, it'll come to me...Jesse, right? No? Oh, sorry...I thought I recognized you. You sure you don't recognize me? Well, that's not surprising, I'm nobody, really. Ha, the Joker tells me that all the time. Oh, not in a bad way--it's kind of a compliment, coming from him. Oh, let me explain, my boyfriend's the Joker, I should have told you that before, huh?

He just means, I'm not one of those rich society bitches he hates so much, or one of those high powered district attorneys, or police commissioners or something. Just a plain, normal little bank clerk, nothing special or interesting about me. Well, other than the fact that my boyfriend is the Joker, I guess that's kind of interesting, but I mean as far as he's concerned, I'm just a regular gal. He says he likes that, can you imagine? A guy like him falling for a plain Jane like me? Go figure....

No, you wouldn't recognize me unless...did we go to school together? East Gotham High? No? I went to Gotham Community College for a couple of semesters--? No? Hmm. I could swear I know you.

Yeah, the Joker! I know! He's really notorious, isn't he? Hard to believe that someone like me, just a common, ordinary little person, clipping coupons, doing my own taxes, riding the subway every day, would be involved with someone exciting like that! Believe me, I'm just as surprised as you are. But, it's a funny story...hey, am I bothering you? No? You sure? Well, tell me if I am, the Joker says I talk too much, although he's quite the talker himself, I don't know where he gets off saying I talk too much...you really want to hear about how we met? Well, it's funny, like I said....

I was at work, just a normal day, you know? Although it was pretty busy, I had a super long line, and we were short-handed. I really hate that, when we're short-handed. I swear, people call in all the time and they're not even sick! No sense of responsibility. You know, when I was in school, I got perfect attendance almost every year...what? Oh, yeah, how we met, well, so, it was real busy that day....

All of a sudden, these guys come in wearing clown masks! It was so crazy! Pretty smart, though, I mean, if you're going to rob a bank, wearing masks is a good idea 'cause then they can't tell who you are from the security footage. 'Course, it didn't make much difference to most of those guys, they didn't live long enough for anyone to go chasing after 'em, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, the Joker...yeah, he's got brass balls, that one. He took his darn mask off, shows himself to the camera on purpose! Of course, he had make up on under it. Clown makeup, yeah. Why...? I don't know why, I never asked. Just kind of his thing, I guess. Anyway, I was cowering behind the counter, and just as he was about to leave--he had this big old yellow school bus that crashed into the bank as his getaway car, can you believe that?

Well, he decides he needs to use the john, so he leans over my counter and asks where the toilet is! Isn't that nuts? So, I told him, and he gave me this incredible smile--really cute--and says "I can't take a chance on someone doing something stupid while I'm in the can, baby, so you're comin' with me...", and he like, reaches way down, grabs my arm, and yanks me up halfway over the counter like I was a rag doll, but the funny thing is, once he gets his hands around my waist to pull me the rest of the way over, he's suddenly all gentle with me.

He grabs my arm and shows everyone he's got a gun and points it at my head, and drags me with him into the john! So, I have to stand there while he takes a pee. Awkward!! But, he wasn't modest at all, and I have three, count 'em, three brothers, so it's not like I was seeing something new, you know. And he was real nice about it, he didn't wave his dick around or any of that juvenile stuff, just took care of business and that was that. I mean, when you gotta go, you gotta go, right?

Anyway, long story short, he takes me back out into the lobby and kind of pushes me down to the floor, kneels down with the gun in my face and says, "Say, gorgeous, what's your name?", and I say, Andrea, but everyone calls me Andy, and he says "Well, I'll see you around, Andy" and I say, "Ok", and he hops in his bus and leaves.

Well, I never thought I'd see him again. I mean, what are the odds? But the next day, the very next day, I was leaving for lunch and this car stops and this guy jumps out and grabs me and shoves me into the back seat. Freakin' scary! But, once I quit screaming, I realize, there's a guy sitting back there, and lo and behold, it's the Joker!! I couldn't freakin' believe it! So, I'm all like, hey, you're that bank robber guy, and he's like, yeah, I couldn't stop thinking about you, baby, and I'm like, well, I thought about you too, 'course mostly because I thought he'd be dead by now with every cop in Gotham on his tail, but also, that smile....yeah, we kind of hit it off, him and me, I guess.

So, he says, you want to get some coffee or something, and I'm like, well, maybe, but I have to be back at work in 45 minutes, and is this a kidnapping kind of thing or what? and he says, no, he just didn't think it would be a good idea to waltz back into the bank the very next day after robbing it, and I just said "Oh." I mean, that makes sense, right? So, I said, sure I'd like to get some coffee, but I don't even know your name, and he says "You can call me Joker", which is an odd thing to be called, but whatever. So, he had his guy drive us to this coffee shop, way out of the way, and I say "I'm never going to get back to work on time" and he just laughs.

Now, I'm not a fancy coffee drinker, let me tell you. Give me a plain old cup of Folger's, black with two sugars any day, that's all I need. But, he suggested this Hawaiian roast blend that was out of this world! And, he let me order a sandwich, too, I mean, it was my lunch hour and all, but still, he didn't have to do that. I ate in a hurry, and he's all "what's the rush, kiddo?" I told him I really appreciated it, but I had to run--I can't afford to lose my job, yada yada yada...well, he's just laughing. Sure, he can afford to laugh, he just robbed a goddamn mob bank, what does he need with a job, but I'm not so lucky! I tell him this, I'm being real frank with him, you know, and he says, "You know what, kid, you got some fight in ya! I like that. How'd you like to blow off work and go a few rounds in the sack with me?" And I'm like, shocked, I mean, I'm not that kind of girl. On my lunch hour? I'd be late getting back for sure! Not that I wasn't tempted...you wouldn't believe what beautiful eyes he has, it's hard to tell with all that make up on and all, but if you just sit and look at 'em...really beautiful.

So, I say, "No, thanks, Mr. Joker, sir, but I have to decline your kind offer, maybe some other time" and he cracks up. So, he has his driver take me back to work, and I just barely made it on time, but the guy went, like, ninety miles an hour or something, so I did get the clock punched with a couple of minutes to spare. And, again, I think, "I'll never see him again," since I wouldn't put out and all. I figure he can get girls who'll bang him all day long, why bother with me?

But, guess what? Hey, am I boring you? No? You sure you wouldn't rather read your book, looks like you've gotten pretty far with it. I'm not much of a reader, myself. Used to be, when I was a kid, but now, I'm lucky if I can stay awake long enough to watch the news, much less pick up a book...what? Oh, what was I going to say, yeah, uh...kind of lost my train of thought. Oh, I know, I was going to tell you that the Joker showed up at my apartment that night!

Yeah, I mean, talk about persistent! He said he got my last name, which happens to be Anderson, yeah, I'm Andy Anderson, blah, blah, blah, it's a corny name, but you can't do anything about your parent's lame ideas when they name you, can you? My mom says...I'm sorry? Oh, yeah, he got my last name by calling up the bank and asking for me. Now, they're not supposed to give out our last names, but, like I said--persistent! He probably drove 'em crazy until they just gave in. Then he looked me up on the internet, somehow, can you imagine? Why, just anybody can find anybody these days! Kind of scary, when you think about it.

So, the Joker is like, sitting on the front stoop when I get home. I about died! I looked like hell, too, my hair was a mess, all my makeup was rubbed off, although, his wasn't in any better shape, ha ha! I never thought I'd date a guy who wears makeup, I can tell you that. But, I was really embarrassed, plus my apartment is a disaster, I meant to clean it up over the weekend, but...huh? Did I let him in? Shoot, yeah, I let him in! I mean, he had a gun and all, not that he needed it, but you know, I figured he didn't come all that way to be sent packing.

I invited him in, real polite, and I offered him some diet Coke, which he said he didn't care for. I guess when you're a criminal mastermind you don't have to worry about calories or something, ha ha, not so for me! So I said I could make him some hot tea, and he said no, just some water would be fine, but I said, no way! I mean, he was so nice to me at the bank, what with not shooting me, and then not actually kidnapping me and everything, so I said, look, let me fix you some dinner, ok? And he said, well, if it isn't too much trouble, and I said not at all. So, I made him spaghetti and meatballs. I mean, I used to work in an Italian restaurant before I got the bank job, and I know my way around a marinara sauce, you know?

Well, we ate dinner and chatted, and he's just the smartest guy. He knows something about everything! You know how some people just are interested in all kinds of obscure stuff, he's kind of like that, although he's really got a lot to say about Gotham's political and social conditions. He's real civic-minded, you'd be surprised how much he knows about the mayor, the DA, the Commissioner, just everybody. Even the judges! Of course, when you're a criminal, I guess you kind of pick up on some of that stuff, but he even knows what kind of booze the Commissioner keeps in his desk at his office!! Can you imagine?

Now, and this is where it gets interesting, after dinner, we ended up sitting on the couch together, and we started cuddling. Uh...actually, I don't know if you would call it cuddling, more like he would put his hand on my throat, and I would have to say, "Excuse me, you're kind of making it hard for me to breathe, Mr. Joker", and he would say something really sweet, like, "Oh, sorry babe, didn't mean to squeeze that hard", and before I knew it, he was kissing me! And, oh, man, can that guy kiss! Just...amazing, really. Not that I have that much experience with that sort of thing, but I mean, he obviously knew what he was doing.

So, I'm like, really getting into the kissing thing, he's got his tongue in my mouth and I'm forgetting about that yucky makeup getting all over my face, when the damn phone rings! Well, he didn't even want me to answer it, but I said, "It might be my mother" and he said "I don't give a fucking shit if it's your mother, do not answer that phone" and I said, well, if he wanted to put up with the phone ringing off the wall every five minutes for the rest of the damn evening, that was his business, but I for one didn't enjoy it myself, so he finally said "Fine, answer the fucking phone" and, guess what, it was my mother, of course.

Now, my mom is the best, really a wonderful person, but DENSE!!! The woman canNOT take a hint, I'm telling you. I'm sitting there, trying to nicely get off the phone without saying "Hey, Mom, I have potential boyfriend material here on the couch with me" because then I'd never get rid of her, but she is NOT picking up on my subtle cues that I need to hang up, so the Joker just takes a goddamn knife out of his pocket, leans over, and cuts the phone line! I couldn't believe it! It was SO romantic. He's such a take-charge kind of guy....

Anyway, so I'm like, well, thanks, you just saved me from my mom doing thirty minutes on Aunt Ila's diverticulitis flare-up, and next think I knew, he's picked me up and carried me into the bedroom! Just like a caveman or something! Uh-oh, that's probably TMI, huh? No? What? Did we do it? Hell, yeah, we did it! He's the Joker, I figured I better take the opportunity while I had it, plus, I didn't want to hurt his feelings or anything. I mean, I already turned him down once that day, I didn't want him to think I didn't like him.

What was it like? Oh, well, that's kind of personal. I should probably keep that to myself, right? No? Really? I guess everybody wonders about that, I know I did. Now, I wasn't exactly a virgin or anything, but honestly, I haven't been with that many guys, so I can't say if this is all that unusual, but don't you think nine inches is a lot? I mean, that's just an estimate, it's not like I a keep a tape measure in my nightstand or anything, but I have to say, it was a little intimidating.

But, you know, he was so nice about it. I mean, he really was patient when I first started gagging as he...um, well, never mind about that. I'm just saying, he could have been a real jerk about it, but he wasn't. Listen, I was pretty determined to finish what I started, but he finally just said, "That's ok, babe, go ahead and take off your panties, and we'll both have some fun." Now, wasn't that considerate? Thinking of my needs like that? So, yeah, I gave up on blowing him and just took off my clothes like he wanted, and...what's that? You need to hit the can? I don't blame you, these long train rides can be murder. You go ahead, I'll be right here when you get back.

Better? You feeling ok? Gosh, you were gone a long time, I though maybe you had one of those awful stomach bugs. Well, anyway, as I was saying, I just took my clothes off and let him get on top of me, and before I knew it, he was going at it like a rabbit in heat, ha ha. I never had a guy who was so...focused, before. He just kept going, on and on, that big old dick of his pumping away...it felt sooo good, and I let him know it, too. I mean, I'm going to let you in on a little secret, I haven't had much luck in the orgasm department with my other boyfriends, you know? But, the Joker...um, I may need to visit the little girls' room myself, excuse me just a minute....

There, that's better, now I can concentrate again. Where was I? Oh, yeah, well, being with the Joker was--is--the BEST sex I ever had. He's insatiable, too. Listen, if I have an early morning meeting I have to go to, I know I better not let that man stay over the night before, because there is no way I'll be getting enough sleep to be able to get up before 7:00 am. And he WILL NOT take no for an answer! Well, to tell you the truth, I don't tell him no very often, I mean, why would I, I like sex as much as the next person, and if you can have a gourmet meal, why settle for McDonald's, am I right? Ha ha, I'm right, aren't I! You know it, dude!

Oh, hey, we're almost to my stop. Boy, this ride just flew by, didn't it? So much more fun when you have someone to talk to. You ride this train every Wednesday? Me, too! Maybe I'll see you again sometime, yeah?

What's that? Is he jealous? No, I don't think the Joker's the jealous type...you'd be surprised, he's a real sweetie, most of the time....why do you ask?

Gosh, you know, I coulda sworn I knew you...I know I've seen you somewhere before, I just can't think where...don't worry, it'll come to me eventually....

Oh, here's my stop, I gotta go. Listen, you have a good evening, ok? It was nice to meet you, and I hope I didn't talk your ear off. Aw, that's nice of you to say. I appreciate it. The Joker's going to be so glad to hear I had such a nice, relaxing ride home tonight, for a change...what was your name, again? Mike?

Ok, Mike, I'll see you around, ok?