Therapist: You look tired…
House: Too much rest…
Therapist: Okay. Why don't we do some work then?
House: (glumly) Peachy.
T: Here's some paper. There's a pencil on the table.
H: (snorts) You going to make me write lines?
T: (chuckles) You're in rehab, not detention. This'll be fun.
H: Oh, goody. Let's do fun.
T: You ready? I want you to make two columns.
H: Ionic or Doric?
T: Huh? No, just draw a line down the middle. That's right.
H: Wow, do I get a gold star?
T: Not yet. Now on the left, I want you to write 'Things I like about me'.
H: How do you spell 'I'…?
T. And on the right, 'Things I don't like about me'.
H: I don't have enough paper…
T: Write small.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
T: Done?
H: And when does the fun start exactly…?
T: Go ahead and read me something from the 'like' list.
H: Uh-uh.
T: Pick something light.
H: I can't.
T: Oh… There's nothing you like about yourself?
H: Well…I have a crush on my right nipple…
T: Come on, Greg. You're not taking the question seriously.
H: You're not taking my answer seriously.
T: Hm. I suppose not. All right. Let me try a different question. Do you deserve love?
H: Ooh. Nice lob. Yes. When I've paid her. Back at 'ya.
T: For free.
H: (snorts) All together now, 'There's no such thing as unconditional love.'
T: You're right. With one exception.
H: I'm waiting. 'Mommy'?
T: No. You.
H: (snorts) Me?
T: The only person who can love you unconditionally is you.
H: That ain't happenin'. Look at this column.
T: Yeah. You missed a few things…
H: Now I'm having fun…
T: Now you're getting homework--
H: Ha. Okay, okay, add 'egotistical'.
T: Nope. You got that column down. (beat) I'm going to give you a baby.
H: (laughs nervously) What?
T: We're meeting again Monday. Until then, you've got a baby. (beat) And his name is Gregory House.
H: Gee, and I thought I was going to get lucky…
T: I think you are. You're going to love that baby like he was never loved before. That's your assignment.
H: Sorry to disappoint you, but my mother adored me.
T: Sorry to disappoint you, but your mother adored an image of herself. So, you've got a job to do to make it up to the kid. (beat) I'm afraid our time is up. See you next week. Greg?…Greg, I have another client, so, uh, if you'll just, uh—
Door slams.