Title: War of the Night
Author: sylvanelfqueen
Fandom: Hawaii Five-0
Pairing: Steve/Danny
Rating: R
Warning: language, major spoilers for episodes up to and including 2.13,
Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to the recognizable characters and/or plot.
Summary: written for powrhug's prompt on the hurt!Steve Comment Fic Meme - He takes in the rigidity of Steve's posture and the dark circles under his eyes and wonders if Steve is silently breaking to pieces right in front of him.
The minute he walks through the door, Danny knows immediately something is wrong. To be perfectly honest, he's had a niggling fear in gut for the last five hours. After debriefing the governor on Sutherland's death, Steve had taken off saying there was someone he needed to see. Joe White. Danny didn't need to hear Steve say it, he just had to look at him, to see how Steve's eyes went flat and blank, how his face shored up like a dam.
He'd tried not to let it worry him. Steve was still, obviously, working through what had gone down in North Korea, something he still wasn't talking to Danny about. Truth be told, he didn't think Steve was talking to anyone about it. In fact, the constant phone calls and mysterious trips out to see Joe seemed to be making things worse for Steve. Danny had let it go at first. Steve needed to talk to someone about what had happened and if he was more comfortable talking with Joe, so be it. It didn't mean the thought didn't hurt, but Danny was willing to put his feelings aside if it meant getting Steve put back together again. But now … Steve came home looking gutted, like his world was flying apart at the seams and he was helpless to stop it.
Danny had done his best to stay out of it, but his heart just couldn't take it anymore. And now with his gut chiming in, telling him something just wasn't right, well Danny's head had no choice but to listen.
He had dropped by his apartment to grab some clean clothes for the weekend and check the mail, figuring he had at least an hour or more before Steve would be back. But two hours later, when Danny pulled into the driveway to a dark house, his gut was screaming at him the loudest that something just wasn't right.
Steve's phone was going straight to voicemail.
Kono hadn't heard from Steve since he'd left headquarters.
Chin offered to put the word out to some well-trusted cops to keep an eye out for McGarrett.
None of it was making Danny feel any less nauseous. The more time that ticked away, the more he knew something had happened.
When Steve walks in the door, pale faced and red eyed, Danny feel his stomach drop to his shoes. Steve barely acknowledges him, instead moving past him to the office where he pulls his gun from his holster and puts it in the safe.
"Hey babe," Danny follows him, trying to hover casually in the doorway. Even in the dim light of the office, Danny can see how Steve's whole body tenses in anticipation, like he is expecting an attack. The thousands of questions buzzing around his mind all die on his lips and leave a bitter taste in his mouth. Clearing his throat, Danny tries once again for nonchalant, like he hadn't been waiting and pacing and worrying for the past five hours.
"I wasn't sure when you'd be home, so I wrapped up your dinner. It's in the fridge if you're hungry."
Who was he trying to fool? It was midnight. Steve never ate past 9pm unless they were working through the night. He didn't even have food to back up his story even if Steve was hungry. He'd been too preoccupied with worst-case scenarios to feed his own stomach, but he would throw something together if need be.
"No," Steve rasps after a moment, voice hollow and eerily devoid of any emotion. He keeps his back to Danny for a moment before slowly turning and walking back out of the office. "I'm tired. Think I'm just going to get a shower and head to bed."
Danny watches him walk past, belatedly noticing a dusting of a bruise along his cheek that hadn't been there before and the redness of his knuckles. The questions burn his tongue once again but he keeps them behind his teeth, instead choosing to nod and smile at Steve, encouraging him along.
"Yeah, I hear ya. It's been a long day, I won't be far behind ya," Danny starts to reach out for Steve but his hand falls heavily back to his side when Steve moves away too quickly.
Sighing, Danny moves around the house in his nightly ritual, locking the doors and setting the alarm. He grabs his cell phone on his way up to the bedroom, sending off a quick text to Chin and Kono to let them know Steve's home, that he's all right, and that he'll see them both tomorrow. When he gets to the bedroom, Steve is silently moving around the room. He's damp from the shower with only a towel around his hips. Normally Danny would be leering at him, snarky comment on his lips before they devoured Steve's. Tonight though, Danny takes in the still fading bruises and the healing cuts. He takes in the rigidity of Steve's posture and the dark circles under his eyes and wonders if Steve is silently breaking to pieces right in front of him.
The clock reads 3:37am when Danny blinks the sleep from his eyes. He sighs heavily and rolls over to find the sheets cooling on Steve's side of the bed. He's up again. Danny lies there for a minute and listens to the sounds of the night and the soft pad of bare feet pacing across the floor downstairs.
Steve hasn't had a full night's sleep since they brought him back home from North Korea. The only exception was the first night when Steve had been under the influence of pain meds and passed out for thirteen hours straight. Since that night, however, Steve's up at and pacing by 3:30 every morning. Danny never hears him wake up, never feels him leave their bed, but eventually his subconscious picks up on Steve's absence and pulls him from sleep. Like every other night, Danny waits and listens, thinks maybe tonight will be different. He thinks maybe Steve just got up for a drink or to check on the locks downstairs, that he will come back up to their bedroom and return to their bed for the few short hours remaining before sunrise. But just like every other night, Steve's pacing never ceases, the rhythm never changes and Danny forces his body out of bed.
He doesn't try to move silently, he learned that lesson the first night and nearly ended up with a broken jaw when Steve rounded on him fist first. No, he doesn't try to mask the sound of his feet hitting the floor and moving down the hall. He purposely steps on the creaky spot in the middle of the fifth step all in an attempt to warn Steve of his presence, to pull him out of his thoughts and snap him back to reality before Danny actually reaches him. And just like all the other nights before, Danny finds him in the office, planted to a spot in front of the wall, staring.
The first night, when Danny had seen this, he'd been shocked, ready to call in some assistance. Steve had taped all the pictures of the items from the Champ box on the wall along with pictures of Wo Fat, the head of the Yakuza, and all their connections. It took a little coaxing before Steve confessed that he was trying to find the connection, trying to figure out whom Shelburne is, that he was trying to make sense of the shit storm that had become his life since Victor Hesse had pulled the trigger. And Danny understood. He waited patiently for Steve to tell him more, but nothing else was forthcoming. But every night, Steve came back down to the office and redecorated the wall with evidence and tried to solve the ever-evolving puzzle.
Tonight, Steve turns toward him when he walks in. He doesn't look surprised or guilty like he did those first few nights. Instead, he just looks exhausted. Resigned. At the end of his rope and holding on for dear life. In the dim light of the room, shadows dance across Steve's face, filling in the lines and hollows. An ache flares in Danny's chest when he realizes that the shadows don't exaggerate as much as he wishes they did. Steve looks just as run down in the light of day.
With a sigh, Danny walks up to Steve and runs his hands down Steve's arms. The chilled skin tells Danny all he needs to know; Steve's been up for while. Something definitely happened and its agitating Steve more than he has been in the last two weeks. Danny runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath, locking eyes with Steve.
"Hey babe," he murmurs. "Why don't you come back to bed for a little bit, huh?"
Just like every night before, Steve turns away. He moves around Danny to continue his pacing, but Danny can't tonight. He won't. He reaches out and grabs Steve's arm, halting his steps. There's a flash blue rage in Steve's eyes, face contorting, finally, into something other than this blank stone mask. Before Steve can even utter a word, though, Danny cuts him off.
"Babe, just stop okay. Please, just stop for minute," he pleads. Steve's not the only one who's running out of rope. With a sigh, Danny tugs Steve to him, pulling him in as close as he can and wraps his arms around Steve's body. At first it's like hugging a cold, steel beam, Steve's stiff and unyielding in his arms, but Danny is persistent and finally Steve starts to loosen up. Steve never moves to hug him back, his arms stay at his sides, fist clenched, but he does lean into Danny the slightest.
The fist clamped around his heart starts to loosen its iron grip and Danny breaths a sigh of relief against Steve's neck. It's a start, he tells himself. Baby steps.
"I know things are all kinds of fucked up right now," he can feel Steve starting to tense up in his arms and rushes to get the rest of his words out before the moment is over. "And its okay, Steve, it's okay. You don't have to talk to me about it. But you're exhausted, babe. Hell, I'm exhausted and I've been getting more sleep than you." He pulls back the slightest so that Steve can see his face, can see that Danny's not mad or frustrated, just worried. "I know you want answers and I wish I could give them to you, I really do, but I don't have any. What I can do, though, is help you with this. Let's go back to bed, Steven." He lays his hand over Steve's heart and tries his best not to beg. "Please, babe, just come back to bed."
For a moment he thinks Steve is going to pull away, that he's going to go back to his pacing and losing himself in a tangled web of thoughts, but much to Danny's surprise, he doesn't. Steve nods once, reaching over to turn off the lamp on the desk.
"Okay," he rasps, and follows Danny through the dark house, back up the stairs to the bedroom.
As Danny lays there in the dark, body wrapped around Steve's, he watches the clock tick over to 4:19am and swears that he is going to do whatever it takes to make this the last sleepless night Steve has.
Steve is completely oblivious the next morning, eyes staring down at the paperwork on his desk as he focuses too hard on filling it out. Danny, as bad as he feels about that, uses it to his advantage. He walks out of his office, snags Kono by the arm and drags her quietly into Chin's office. With the door shut, Danny knows they won't be overheard but Danny will still have a direct line of sight to Steve.
When he turns around, Chin is staring at him, puzzled, and Kono is glaring daggers at him. Before either one of them can say anything, Danny slumps down into a chair and puts his head in his hands. He knows he's probably freaking them out right now, but he just … needs a moment to compose himself.
"I need your help," he murmurs, then looks up at their confused faces. "With Steve" he adds, and watches realization dawn on their faces. It's no secret that Steve has been having a rough time these last two weeks, so Danny knows he doesn't have to disclose too much to get Chin and Kono on board. In fact, they both look eager to help.
"Anything, brah. What'd you have in mind?" Chin asks, coming to stand in front of Danny, one hip perched on the corner of his desk.
Danny turns to look towards Steve's office and sees that he is still hunched over his desk and sighs heavily. When he turns back, Kono is sitting in the chair next to him, body perched on the edge and facing towards him. She reaches a hand out and rests it on his arm for a minute before squeezing and letting go.
"Whatever you and Steve need, we're here for you." Her eyes are soft and sad, matching the tone of her voice.
It guts Danny to see that look on her face, but it kills him even more to see the shell Steve's become, so he soldiers on.
"He's not sleeping," he tells them. "And last night, something happened. I don't know what, but he came home around midnight and was …" Danny trails off, unsure of how to describe Steve last night. "He was agitated, that much I could tell, but he was so closed off. He didn't say anything. Just put his gun in the safe, closed up the office, and went upstairs."
Danny runs a frustrated hand through his hair, letting out a rough breath before he continues. "I don't know what time he was up, but I woke up at quarter to four this morning and he had already been up a while. He did come back to bed, but I know for a fact he didn't really sleep and he was up again by 6:30 for a swim." Danny's been fighting the urge to pace since the conversation started and he finally can't resist it anymore. He stands from his chair and moves toward the window, watching Steve. "He's exhausted and I'm afraid he's just going to …"
"I hear ya, brah," Chin cuts him off, doesn't make him finish that statement, doesn't let his brain even consider the possibilities. "What can we do?"
Danny turns to face them, a small smile on his lips as he lays out his plan.
Just before three o'clock, Kono knocks on his door and invites herself in. When Steve looks up from his paperwork, she's already perched on the corner of his desk sliding his mess of papers into neat piles.
"What are you doing, Kono?" he questions, shooing her hands away from trying to organize the chaos.
"Helping you clean up," she states simply, crossing her arms over he chest. When he quirks a silent eyebrow at her, she smiles and continues on like he had actually asked her a question. "We're leaving early today."
Steve looks at her in disbelief. "Wouldn't something like that be up to the boss?" he asks, a hint of irritation in his voice as he goes back to writing out the incident report.
Well, he tries to fill it out, but Kono plucks the pen from his hand, a huge smile on her face. "Oh, I think he'll be okay with it. Besides, it's almost three which means Danny's going to be ducking out of here shortly to go pick up Grace from school and Chin will be leaving shortly after him since he's going out with Malia tonight. Which leaves us," she motions between them, "with a free afternoon."
Steve can't help but smile at her, her good mood infectious. He leans back in his chair for a moment, knowing he's not going to get any more work done until he hears Kono out. "And what would we be doing with this free afternoon?" he questions hesitantly.
"Surfing," she states simply. When Steve continues to stare at her blankly, she shrugs and continues on, not at all perturbed by his lack of enthusiasm. "We closed our case yesterday and most of the paperwork is already filled out and filed, except for that one that you have been working on for hours and I highly doubt you'll be making much more progress on it today, am I right?" When Steve just shrugs noncommittally, Kono presses on. "So I say we do something productive, like surfing."
Steve knows she's right. He's been staring at the same form for two hours now, trying to focus his eyes and brain long enough to fill it out properly and is only halfway through it. He hasn't done anything useful today and with only two people in the office, to probability of getting anything major done is highly unlikely. Plus, Kono is just stubborn enough to fight him on this until he gives in, so with a sigh, Steve nods to her.
"All right," he mutters, trying to sound annoyed, but failing when a small smiles curves up his lips. Kono beams a smile at him then jumps off his desk.
"Okay! I'll go clean up. I have to stop by my place to grab my board but I'll meet you there. Our normal spot?"
"Yeah, our normal spot. I'll meet you there."
By ten minutes after three, Danny watches with a smile on his face as Steve pockets his phone and grabs his keys from his desk, heading towards the door. He spares a moment to send a wave to Danny before he disappears down the hall. Danny glances over and nods his thanks to Kono before following Steve out the door.
The sun is just slipping below the horizon when Steve pulls into the driveway. His body aches from head to toe, but it is a good ache. It's the ache of exhausted muscles after a good workout. With Kono, surfing is definitely a full contact sport. She is aggressive and competitive and was constantly egging Steve on for one more run, even after he was a good two board lengths behind her paddling back out.
Steve knows he is exhausted. He hasn't slept a full night in two weeks. He also knows that he's worrying Danny, but there is not much more he can do about it than what he's already doing. He tries. He lays down at night, feels Danny's warmth pressed into his side and concentrates on the rhythm of the waves breaking and Danny's breathing to lull him to sleep. It's once he is asleep that the problem comes. Voices, faces, images, they splash through his mind in technicolor. They remind him of his failures and weakness. They rob him of his sleep and make his mind restless. When he wakes in the early hours of the morning, he's too wound to go back to sleep. He needs to move, needs to think, and he can't do that without waking Danny up so he slips downstairs. Staring at the wall of evidence in the office probably doesn't help, but it's one of the few ways he has left to quiet the voices and dilute the images that appear behind his eyes. So he paces and tries to piece the puzzle together until Danny hauls him back to bed. He never goes back to sleep, just tries to relax his body and count the breaths Danny takes. It's all he can do, it's all he knows how to do.
When the front door opens and Grace's head pops out, it's enough to break Steve out of his dismal thoughts. He takes a deep breath and tries his best to lock it all down. By the time Grace has reached his truck, Steve's got a passable semblance of a smile on his face. He climbs out and catches Grace as she launches herself at him with a squeal of "Uncle Steve!"
Steve pulls her close and lets her smiles and exuberance warm him. He's only seen her once since he came back from North Korea, and even then it was only a brief visit to deliver a 'Get Well Soon' card. He doesn't realize how much he needs her light and energy until she is in his arms.
"Hi Gracie," he rasps, then puts her down, one hand lingering for a moment on her head.
"Danno said dinner's almost done, come on!"
Grace is tugging at his hand, pulling him back towards the house. He only resists for a moment to lock up the truck before he lets her haul him inside. Danny's just coming out of the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dishtowel when they come through the door. He smiles brightly at Steve, planting a chaste kiss on his lips.
"You smell like the ocean," he gripes, but the smile never waivers. "Go clean up, dinner's almost ready. That goes for you too Gracie!"
Steve glances down at Grace and feels a real smile tugging up the corner of his lips at her pout. It isn't until now that Steve realizes she's covered in sand from the backyard. This time it's him who does the pulling as he leads Grace towards the bathroom upstairs.
Danny doesn't mind that it takes the two of them fifteen minutes to wash up for dinner, or the fact that he'll end up cleaning the bathroom tonight if the splashing is anything to go by. It's all worth it when he hears Grace's giggles echoed by a deep, softer one from Steve.
The next morning, much too early for Danny's liking, he is standing in the kitchen stirring the batter for pancakes and watching Steve swim, his long strokes pulling him closer to the shore. Last night had been the longest night of sleep Steve had gotten.
Danny woke around 5am to an empty bed and had worried when he didn't hear Steve's footfalls downstairs. He'd practically jumped out of bed and rushed down the stairs only to find Steve sitting out on the lanai, toes buried in the sand. Danny had let out a sigh of relief when he came to sit next to Steve, silently wrapping one arm around his waist and resting his head against Steve's shoulder.
"I didn't want to wake Gracie up," was the only answer Steve had given him. When he asked Steve if he got any sleep, instead of his normal shrug, Steve had nodded, a small, brief smile gracing his lips.
So Danny didn't mind too much being up this early; Steve had slept past 3am and hadn't spent the rest of the early morning hours pacing and staring at the wall in his office. That was chalked up to a win in Danny's mind, even though he strived for even better results.
He is just starting on the first batch of pancakes when Grace walks into the kitchen, rubbing sleepily at her eyes. When she sees him, her face lights up and she wraps her little arms around him. Grace is getting big, almost too big to pick up, but that doesn't stop Danny. He boosts her up and holds onto her tight for a moment, murmuring a "Good morning, Monkey" in her ear before setting her down on the counter next to the sink.
"Morning Danno," she yawns.
Danny smiles at her, kissing her forehead, before handing her the bowl. "What kind of pancakes should we have this morning?" He holds up the pint of blueberries and the bag of chocolate chips already knowing what she's going to pick.
"Chocolate chips!" she chirps, eyeing up the bag in his hand.
"All right, chocolate chips it is," he dumps the rest of the bag into the bowl, mentally making a note to buy more at the store, before handing her a spoon. "Stir away."
Danny moves off to the stove to heat up the pan and watches her stir in the chocolate chips. He knows Steve, despite his protests to Danny's love of junk food, enjoys chocolate chip pancakes as much as the next person. He gives Grace a smile as they pour out the first couple pancakes into the pan, then helps her down from the counter. A glance out the window tells him Steve is almost to shore so he sends Grace out.
"Why don't you go tell Super SEAL to get out of the water now, breakfast is almost ready and you two need to wash up." Danny has a flash of last night's episode of these two washing up, remembers the water and soap and sand he had to clean up. But then he remembers the rumble of Steve's laughter and the genuine smile that had been on his face afterward and decides it's definitely worth it.
Grace skips out the door, already calling for Steve before she's out on the lanai. Danny is just turning back to the pancakes when Steve's phone rings, Chin's number popping up on the screen. Perfect timing.
"Good morning, Chin Ho!" he says when he answers the phone. He talks quietly with Chin for a few moments, watching Steve and Grace through the window. When they start making their way back towards the house, Danny cuts the conversation short and heads outside waving the phone at Steve.
"Babe, it's Chin," he says when he hands the phone over. Grace and Steve both frown at him and he can't help but laugh. "No, it's not a case. It's a personal call."
Steve nods and takes the phone while Danny ushers Grace back into the house. When he comes back in a few minutes later, Grace is at the table with her pancakes and Danny is just taking the rest out of the pan.
"Perfect timing! Breakfast is ready," Danny carries the plate over to the table and takes a seat, watching Steve do the same. He waits until Steve is digging into his first pancake before he starts talking. "So what did Chin want?" He tries for genuinely curious, but given the quirk of Steve's eyebrow, he doesn't quite hit his mark.
"He's going fishing this morning and invited me along," Steve gives Danny a look, but before it can go any further, Grace pipes up.
"Last night, Danno said that when I come back from tennis we can go hiking!"
That really gets an eyebrow quirk from Steve as he asks, "Did he now?"
"Yep!"
When Steve turns his gaze on Danny, he tries his best not to laugh. "What?" Steve just keeps giving him the "I know what you're up to look" so Danny just shrugs. "We have Gracie until tonight and it's a great weekend, I thought we could go out hiking since you've only mentioned it a few hundred times."
Steve's lips twitch into a smile as he nods, silently agreeing to the plans.
When Steve polishes off three pancakes and heads upstairs to get ready to meet Chin, Danny mentally chalks up another win as he clears the breakfast dishes.
Steve spends the morning spear fishing with Chin in Kailua Bay. They spend a good few hours dipping below the surface of the water in search of fish. When the resurface for the last time, they've managed quite a decent catch between the two of them and Steve smiles over at Chin, grateful. He's pretty sure that Chin, married only a week now, wouldn't really want to spend a Saturday morning fishing with him instead of at home in bed with his wife without a little prompting. Just like he's sure Kono's sudden idea to go surfing and Grace's declaration of hiking this afternoon were prompted as well. As he rubs a towel over his head, he smiles. Danny.
By the time he gets back to the house, Grace and Danny are already waiting for him. They decide on a relatively easy trail for their first outing and set off. Grace skips ahead of them a few times and flat out challenges Steve to a race which he let's her win by a long shot. When they reach the top of the trail, Grace wanders around while Steve and Danny take a seat on a rock nearby.
Steve watches her in silence for a while, before he turns to Danny. "Thank you," he murmurs quietly so as not to break the peaceful moment.
Danny turns to him with a knowing look in his eyes. "You're welcome, babe. Anytime" is all he says, but his eyes say so much more. Steve wants to lean down and kiss him, but Grace comes racing back over to them.
By the time they are halfway down the trail, the sun is starting to set and Grace is starting to drag. Without a second thought, Steve hoists her up on his back and carries her the rest of the way down the trail.
That night, Danny is ready for it.
After they had dropped Grace off back home with Rachel, they had come back home. Steve had grilled up the fish and they sat out on the lanai with a beer, watching the stars appear in the sky. Danny only had one beer, but watched, pleasantly surprised, as Steve tucked away three. Limbs loosened by alcohol and physical exhaustion, Danny had nearly hauled Steve up to bed and watched in satisfaction as Steve crashed hard.
While he hoped desperately that this would be it, this would finally be the night Steve got a full night sleep, he was prepared for it to be another night of battle. It had been a while since he had stayed up all night watching over someone, but he managed fairly well, dozing lightly against the headboard until just after 3am.
Steve doesn't wake with a scream or thrash around, he doesn't bolt upright in bed or even cry out. He wakes with a small gasp, eyes popping open and darting around the room. Danny waits while Steve comes back to reality, watches as his eyes slowly recognize the room he's in, waits until Steve's breathing is evening out. He stays still on his side of the bed and waits until Steve starts moving to get out of bed before he breaks the silence.
"Stay in bed, babe," he murmurs quietly, but Steve still jumps. "Easy babe, it's just me." Danny reaches out and lays a hand on Steve's arm, stilling his movements. He debates turning on the lamp, but decides against it. There is enough light shining in the window from the moon to see by, and this is probably one conversation Steve would rather have in the dark.
"Did I wake you?" Steve's voice is sleep rough, but Danny swears he sounds embarrassed.
"No," he's quick to reassure Steve, pulling Steve back down in bed. Danny leans up on his elbow so he can see Steve's face. "I was already awake."
The sentence lingers in the air for a moment and Danny's afraid he stepped over some invisible line, afraid Steve's taking this as an attack and readying for a fight, but when Steve's eyes flicker over to him, Danny realizes it's not the case. Steve looks lost for a moment, like he's not sure what to do or where to go from this moment, and truth be told, neither is Danny. So he wraps an arm around Steve's chest and pulls him close, feels Steve's heart beat under his palm and let's the sounds of the night lull them for a while.
"I know you aren't fine," Danny breaks the quiet after a few moments. Steve starts to tense in his arms, like he's going to pull away, but Danny won't let him. "No, Steven. This is something you need to hear. I won't let you pull away from me. I won't let you run away from this."
Danny turns Steve, who is surprisingly compliant, over and looks him in the eyes. The shadows cast dark lines across the planes of Steve's face, sinking into the dark circles under his eyes and lines of fatigue around his eyes. Danny brushes his fingers over them, wishing he could make them disappear. Steve locks his eyes on Danny's. They're blank, but Danny knows all those memories and feelings are simmering just under the surface. He doesn't want to break Steve wide open because he's not sure either of them will survive that, but he needs to stir the pot, needs to let it boil over so that Steve can finally find some relief. He's been stressed and mentally exhausted for too long.
"I know you aren't okay, Steven. And that's … it's understandable. With everything that has happened, I'd be more concerned if you weren't affected." Danny takes a deep breath and knows that there is no turning back now that he's started. "If you can't talk to me, talk to someone. Talk to Chin or Kono or Joe," he adds the last one hesitantly, waiting for the reaction. When Steve winces, Danny pulls him closer, knowing he hit one of the nails on the head.
"You've been through a lot these last few months, some real serious shit. And I know, I know you've been through a lot as a SEAL, a lot that you can't talk about, but this … this wasn't on a SEAL mission. This was about helping a friend and getting kidnapped and tortured for it. This is about losing a friend, Steven." Danny's not sure what else he can say, but he let's his voice carry on. "I know you need revenge. I know you need to find Wo Fat and Shelburne. But I need … I need to know that you're going to be okay, Steve. I need to know that you're still going to be standing once we get through this.
"I love you, Steve, and I will do anything to help you through this. Just tell me what you need." Danny leans down an presses a kiss to Steve's temple. Steve's eyes are averted, but Danny can still see the tears shining in them. It breaks his heart to see the misery on Steve's face and would give anything to make it go away.
Steve is silent for a long while, and just when Danny's doubt is starting to get the best of him, Steve rolls over and meets his gaze. "I've never been tortured before," he whispers.
The shock of that statement hits Danny like a lightning bolt, chasing chills up and down his body. It hits like a punch to the gut, but Danny fears that's not the worst of what's about to revealed.
"I've never been captured before either. All my years deployed as a SEAL, I was never compromised. I was never captured or tortured. I was never alone." Steve's voice breaks on the last word, a shiver working its way through his body as he fights for control. "I thought I was going to die, Danny. No, I knew I was going to die. There was no way out for me. I had tried to escape only to be recaptured. I had no back up, no weapons, and no hope of surviving if I got on that plane. I was going to die out there and you wouldn't have known what happened to me."
Danny's at a loss for words, Steve looks absolutely wrecked. He does the only thing he can think of, he wraps his arm tighter around Steve, rubbing soothing circles on his back and silently encouraging Steve to continue.
"And Jenna … god, Jenna. I trusted her, Danny, and when she betrayed me … I so angry with her. But she tried to save me in the end. Josh was dead and she knew, she knew we weren't going to make it out of there. She could've freed herself, but instead she tried to save me." For the first time since Danny met Steve, Danny watches as Steve completely shatters. There are no huge, gasping sobs, just a few silent tears slipping down his cheeks, but sometimes it's the quiet storms that are the hardest to weather.
"But you saved me," Steve continues, voice wavering the slightest as he fights for control. "You and Chin and Joe," he chokes out Joe's name like it's trying to strangle him, "You saved me and for a little while, I thought it was going to be okay. I thought that with you and Joe at my back, I could make it through this." Steve's face contorts like he's in pain before he rests his head against Danny's shoulder.
Danny holds him tight, his own tears sliding down his cheeks as he tried to hold them both together.
"I thought Joe had my back, Danny. But the other night … the other night I saved him. Adam Noshimori had him kidnapped and they were beating him. I got him out of there and … he just walked away." Steve pulls back from Danny far enough that he can wipe a hand across his face, trying to erase the tears. There's anger creeping into his voice now, along with frustration. "I asked him to tell me about Shelburne. I practically begged him. I … I was tortured over this, Jenna died for this … but he refused. He walked away from me, Danny. The one man that I've trusted for most of my life to have my back, the man I looked up to like a second father, he just walked away."
"Oh Steven," Danny murmurs against the top of Steve's head. He can't think of anything else to do except let Steve get it all out.
"How can I have survived being captured and tortured, only to have someone I trust betray me again?" Steve finally collapses against Danny's chest, utterly spent. "I just don't know how to handle this any better than I am, Danny. I'm sorry."
"No. No, don't apologize for not … god, Steven." Danny pushes Steve back so he can see his eyes. This is something that Steve needs to see and believe and the only way he can do that is if he's locked on Danny. "Don't you ever apologize for not handling this better. No one, Steven, no one is equipped to handle situations like this, I don't care what training they have. You are doing the best you can and that's all that can be asked of you. Do you understand me?"
Steve nods and murmurs a quiet, "Yeah," but he doesn't look away.
"Good," Danny answers in reply. He runs a hand up Steve's arm and squeezes. "You do what you have to do to work through this. If that means pacing at 3am to try and piece this puzzle together, then so be it. Just know that Chin, Kono, Grace, and I will be there to exhaust you so that you finally sleep." His lips twitch up into a grin at that and he is relieved to see Steve do the same. It only lasts a minute before they both sober up, though.
"I can't speak for Joe, but I can tell you that I will always have your back, Steven. Always. And I will do whatever you need me to do to help you through this, okay?"
Steve doesn't reply, he just wraps his arms around Danny and holds on for dear life. If Steve's run out of rope and his last tether is Danny, well Danny will on for the both of them because he refuses to let Steve go.
As they sit there in the dawning light of a Sunday morning, Danny realizes that not much has been solved. Steve is not going to miraculously sleep through the night now, he's not going to stop pacing and staring at the pictures on the office wall, he's not going to bounce back from this after revealing his fears. But as exhaustion takes over and Steve finally falls back to sleep, Danny thinks that maybe even if Steve is in pieces, between the two of them, they can put him back together.
End.