A/N: This is intended as a much lenger story but I thought I'd get the first chapter up to see if there's any interest or if it should remain locked within my head. This will be a very dark take on Shepard's human weaknesses and his failures. First chapter isn't too bad but if I continue it will get there. I figure there are enough wonderful stories of a heroic Shepard on this site that only by going this route could I achieve something new. This is my first fanfic piece, hell my first non-research based writing, as I'm a history major attempting something new so constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. BTW the title is in Latin for no good reason other than I'll be damned if I let my classical education be completely useless.

Oh yeah, I don't own Bioware, Mass Effect, the characters, or even Milwaukee's Best; so no lawsuits please. This chapter will be rated T for language, expect the rating to skyrocket for all sorts of vile and disturbing reasons soon. Also this story will deviate slightly from the chronology of the games as far as the order in which some characters are recruited and certain missions happen, but nothing game changing.

And finally just to avoid any potential confusion italics are dreams, flashbacks, etc.

IN SOMNO

"Wake up Commander." Fuck, not again.

"Shepard do you hear me? You need to get out of bed now, this facility is under attack." No, not again.

Shepard your scars aren't healed, but I need you to get moving, this facility is under attack." Shit that hurts, it always hurts.

"There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room." So what, I'm sure someone else wants it.

"Hurry!" Shut up, harpy.

"Grab the pistol and armour from the locker." Can't make me.

"You don't have time to wait around Shepard! Grab your weapon and armour." Damn, apparently she can.

Lurching upright with an agonized grunt and stumbling forward through the haze of pain which penetrated the nice warmth of his potent cocktail of painkillers Commander Shepard approached the familiar weapons locker yet again.

And woke up.

A timid shaking of his shoulder brought him crashing into consciousness. Cursing loudly Shepard bolted upright only to have his head impact something that, despite Garrus' jokes to the contrary, was clearly able to be both harder and denser than Shepard's skull.

"Oh, take it easy, slow down. Are you okay? Keelah, you're bleeding! Where's Dr. Chakwas? No, no don't sit up. Why are you down there, what's wrong, can I help? Hold still."

Piercing the Commander's concussed state the accented words of Tali and her hands restraining him bought Shepard a moment to compose himself. Groaning Shepard came fully awake and was greeted by the all too familiar emotions which were now his constant companions; that complimentary pair despair and anger.

Eyes snapping open Shepard directed the inferno of his gaze towards the masked Quarian who jerked away upon seeing the fury roiling behind Shepard's eyes, his harsh countenance burning away the rest of her nervous babble. Extricating himself from underneath the caf table Shepard struggled upright being greeted with renewed pain for his trouble as a headrush of blood with a wave of nausea on hard on its heels made their presences felt. Jolted out of her momentary paralysis Tali rushed forward to steady his wavering attempt at standing.

"No."

The command halted her in mid step as Shepard pulled away lurching towards the elevator leaving Tali behind wringing her hands as she watched his retreating form stumble before catching itself on the bulkhead.

"How did he end up under the table having a nightmare? Keelah, where did this come from? I need to help him but he won't let me. Damn Ashley this is her fault and she isn't even here to fix the mess. What is wrong with Shepard?"

Speaking aloud to the now empty mess Tali struggled to work through this new side of Shepard which had recently emerged. At least it seemed like an empty mess though this illusion was shattered as the omnipresent AI voiced her two cents worth. Tali stiffened in automatic alarm upon hearing the disembodied, emotionless inflection of EDI cut through the echoing silence of the Normandy.

"As a part of my function in liaising between Mr. Gardner and Dr. Chakwas to ensure optimum crew nutrition it has come to my attention that 63.73 percent of Commander Shepard's caloric intake since away mission H1526 is derived from ryncol and Milwaukee's Best."

After pausing for a moment to remember what Shepard had said Milwaukee's Best was, and then several more seconds to imagine why anyone would willingly drink something that vile, Tali realized a crisis had been reached and Shepard did not seem capable of solving this one on his own. She would do anything the help the man who had befriended her but did not know what she could do to help. Perhaps Garrus could help her.

Approaching the door to the weapons bay Tali paused upon hearing a noise that managed to penetrate the thick metal barrier. "Tell me who forged his documents." shouted the distinctive echoing tones of a Turian's voice, one Tali recognized as Garrus' though it somehow simultaneously possessed a frantic quality completely alien to the typically composed nature of Garrus' speech. Curious Tali pressed her helmet to the door, as if any Quarian could resist something so potentially juicy on her ship. Soon she heard Garrus continue talking into his FTL communicator.

"Does 1347 Kaffa Ward mean anything to you?...Exactly, and I'll kill them both after having my way with them unless you tell me now…Fade, you don't say, thank you for your cooperation. Oh, and if I found them others could as well, you might want to find a better location for your daughters."

Stifling a gasp Tali ran back to her station on the engineering deck hoping work would distract her from Garrus' horrifying pronouncement and Shepard's changing behavior. The realization hit her, with Garrus having his own demons he could provide no help for Shepard. Tali was on her own. She didn't know if she could succeed, it had always been Shepard who fixed her mistakes starting with the ambush by Chora's Den until as recently as Haestrom, now she had to fix his mistakes without him as her safety net.

Gunfire rang out exploding an oddly picturesque white picket fence into a pile of not so picturesque toothpicks. Apparently the murderer of innocent fences was far from sated as a grenade arced through the sky landing perfectly in the fence's accompanying mailbox before the explosion reduced it to scrap. A figure appeared through the smoke laughing maniacally at the oddness of finding such a clichéd piece of domesticity as a picket fence and mailbox on the devastated far-flung colony. The laughter turned into anguished sobs as the figure slumped down drawing its knees up to its chest and rocking back and forth next to the remains of the mailbox.

"God damn it. God damn him. Why…how, no, no, no."

Ashley Williams rocked herself slowly as the events of the day caught up to her, first the loss of the colonists, then the reappearance of Him. Her initial disbelief had given way to joy before realizing that his survival confirmed the reports of Cerberus involvement. Looking over his squad members Ashley had been dumbfounded by the variety of maladjusted soldiers Shepard had yoked himself to, especially that busty Cerberus bitch who unflinchingly gazed back at her making no effort to hide her disdain for the Alliance marine. After hearing Shepard admit to working with Cerberus Ashley's last, desperate hope failed and Chief Williams turned away leaving the scarred Cerberus facsimile of her Shepard behind.

William's comm came alive with chatter demanding she report in, demands that were ignored in favor of renewed sobs which racked her body. Eventually Operations Chief Williams won out over Ashley Williams as she reluctantly stood and activated her comm., prepared to do her duty.

"SSV Mohács, this is Op Chief Williams, confirm presence of John Shepard and Cerberus on Horizon, intentions did not appear hostile. Will begin aiding surviving colonists until evac arrives."

"Op Chief Williams, this is SSV Mohács CIC. Acknowledge message, will land at grid X13Y6 in 25 minutes."

Half an hour later Chief Williams boarded the Mohács heading straight for her sleeper pod. Not because she was tired, or would even be able to sleep, but rather to simply delay the necessary task of writing her report about Horizon. Ignoring the curious gazes of several marines and sailors Operations Chief Williams managed to make it to the pod before breaking down and letting Ashley take over as her memories overtook her.

The stars flickered through the atmospheric haze as Shepard and Ashley settled themselves onto a bench that overlooked the Danube from atop Szent Gellért Hill. The lights from Buda hill and the Chain Bridge reflected off the swollen course of the river. The peace was shattered by the wail of a siren as a police boat filled with refugees emerged from the Pest side of the city overloaded with refugees heading for the high ground provided by Buda hill whose palaces had been turned into refugee camps.

"Not exactly how I pictured our first leave Skipper, but I suppose it will do." Ash jokingly complained as she nestled closer the Shepard's side resting her head on his shoulder.

"Yeah, still it is a beautiful city, at least what can be seen above water. And it's better than Ramstien, never found military bases conducive to 'mood setting'. All things considered not a bad emergency to interrupt our leave. And its cheaper than that resort in the Riviera I had planned on taking you to." responded Shepard.

"Always the optimist aren't you Skipper."

"I hope so."

With a slight sigh, the only outward sign of her exhaustion, Miranda forwarded her weekly report to the Illusive Man. For the first time since Shepard's revival Miranda's task as the Illusive Man's official spy seemed important, this latest report was far different from her previous ones. Those had been full of both statistically concrete and abstract personal observations as to the effectiveness of Shepard's command and his apparently successful resurrection. Report H1526 was far different.

What initially had been a routinely excellent performance for Shepard, easily exceeding operational parameters as well as medical and psychological predictions of his recovery rate abruptly became something far different. After driving off the Collector vessel the away team was understandably jubilant, including Shepard. Then She appeared. The reunion had gone poorly with Ashley Williams' verbal assault obviously negatively affecting Shepard erasing his celebratory mood and causing his normally commanding voice to falter upon radioing for dust-off. This was unsurprising considering the reports that had implied a relationship between Shepard and Williams prior to his death. No, the problems had revealed themselves later.

The next several missions went poorly leaving a trail of collateral damage that the Shepard described by pre-death mission reports would have never tolerated. The missions were successful but in a way that left Miranda uncomfortable. It took some time but eventually she pinpointed what was bothering her about Shepard's decisions, they were identical to the ones she would have made. In an attempt to discover this change's timeline Miranda compared after action reports from pre-death Shepard and the current Shepard.

During his hunt for Saren Shepard had made countless decisions which made Miranda question his suitability for command such as sparing the rachni, talking down obviously dangerous cultists instead of launching an overwhelming surprise attack, and wasting time reforming criminals rather than ensuring an end to their activities by killing them. Peculiarly these stunts had all seemed to work, though the jury was still out on the rachni. It was this seeming naivety, which was in reality an uncanny ability to discern a person's character, that the Illusive Man wanted from Shepard. It could well prove to be invaluable in not only forging a functional team from the crew of psychopaths and jaded warriors Shepard was assembling but also, perhaps, in unifying various species for the fight against the Reapers that loomed in their future. Only with his unique interpersonal skills reigning in disruptive elements and ensuring peace between teammates or races would they have any hope of defeating the Collectors, let along the Reapers.

Smiling Miranda thought back to an exhibition of Shepard's unique ability that she had experienced first hand. An infuriated Jack, even by her abnormal standards, had stormed into Miranda's office hurling abuse at Miranda and Cerberus. Miranda's pride, loyalty to Cerberus and antipathy towards the unstable biotic made her escalate the confrontation rather than attempt to diffuse the situation. Just in time Shepard appeared as the two women's biotics flared following Miranda calling Jack a mistake. He had quickly diffused the situation with his trademark calm as Jack prepared to throw a shockwave at Miranda, one that could possibly have taken out a section of the Normandy's hull as well.

"Whoa stop, hold on Jack. I need to go get a camera. Joker requested pictures of this particular cat fight, and who am I to deny the request of an obviously disturbed, lonely man?" Having gotten their attention and with violence seemingly averted, or at least now partially directed towards himself Shepard simply held each woman's gaze in turn before telling them to save it for the Collectors. Miranda knew Shepard's banal appeal to duty had no right to work on two such strong willed, and in one case psychotic, people. But that look he had given her and, she assumed, Jack. To continue fighting would have disappointed him, and for some reason that mattered to her and this fact made her dissipate her biotic charge as Jack slowly did the same. Why would his disapproval matter to either her or Jack? Because he's your superior, of course, and it would jeopardize the mission. Really, then why did it seem to work on Jack too, she certainly doesn't care about such things. Maybe Shepard gave her a different look? No, you just didn't want to let him down and Jack didn't either, no one does.

Shaking herself out of the oddly uncomfortable memory Miranda thought about Shepard's behavior immediately following his 'rebirth'. On the Project Lazarus station Shepard had dispassionately watched Cerberus personnel being gunned down by mechs without making a move to help, or even show any concern over their agonizing deaths. Then when Miranda had shot Wilson Shepard hardly blinked claiming that he knew Wilson would betray him. Despite complimenting his intuition Miranda was disturbed by this statement. The image of Shepard she had collected from mission reports would not have easily accepted the vigilante justice that resulted in Wilson's execution.

Shepard appeared frustrated with the galaxy and did not hesitate to express his displeasure. Miranda understood this, being resurrected had to be a shock and it would undoubtedly be a while before Shepard fully regained his emotional equilibrium. This had been predicted by Cerberus' mental health experts who said in time Shepard would simply adjust.

Garrus' recruitment seemed to speed the healing process of whatever emotional wounds resurrection had caused. Indeed as time passed Shepard had begun to stabilize to the point where he had helped a batarian in Omega's plague zone with no hope of a reward. An especially impressive act considering what batarians had done to his family on Mindoir. He acted respectfully to the crew, downright charming to Tali, Chambers, and herself. Shepard's effectiveness in this mood was shown by his resolution of Aria's problems with the Patriarch. Keeping the Patriarch alive, and actually cheering him up, earning Aria's respect and grudging respect, despite disobeying her. A perfect mission that combined with the Jack incident perfectly illustrated why the Illusive Man had wanted Shepard brought back from death. And then Horizon happened.

A clear indicator of Shepard's changed mentality after Horizon could be seen in his behavior upon returning to Omega. A chance meeting with Helena Blake, the crime lord he had convinced to turn her life around during his hunt for Saren, showed the new Shepard. He did not encourage or congratulate her for turning her life around; instead, he accused her of being a whore before walking away from the stunned social worker. Later that day Shepard met Fist in the same bar and after ascertaining that he had kept his word and stayed out of trouble Shepard began mocking and threatening him. Needless to say Miranda thought both of these characters deserved such abuse; but that was the point, the Illusive man wanted The Hero of the Citadel, not Miranda to lead this mission. And Shepard was definitely not living up to his billing.

Miranda was for the first time forced to write a report about her personal project that contained the possibility for the failure of Project Lazarus' goal of maintaining Shepard's pre-death personality. Since Horizon Shepard appeared to relapse, once again enjoying the suffering he inflicted. Case in point Pragia: where Shepard had encouraged Jack to execute the other survivor of the Teltin facility disaster. To harden himself to the point where he had convinced Jack to murder was disturbing. Miranda took solace in that she would have killed him as well; after all the man had wanted to restart torturous experiments on children. But again, that was her, not Shepard's way of problem solving. The only thing to do was to wait and see; hopefully Shepard could recover from whatever blow Horizon had dealt to his fragile emotional state.

Settling onto her couch Miranda took a moment to compose herself and still the twisting fear that her project was veering off course despite having progressed past the point where pre-mission plans predicted serious problems to have been resolved. With another sigh Miranda pushed such concerns aside knowing only time would show whether The Hero of the Citadel remained intact. Eventually she was able to fall asleep.

"Oriana, no don't, I can explain."

"No, you never gave me a chance, why should I give you one? Father told me what you did. How could you be so selfish as to take a child just so the man you hated couldn't have her?" demanded Oriana.

"It wasn't like that; look at all I've done for you since! This clearly wasn't for me, it was for you. Please listen, let me explain!"

"Begging doesn't suit you Miranda." Laughter, that laughter, echoed in Miranda's head. Looking around she found herself back on Horizon standing in front of her father, her sister nowhere to be seen. "Afraid to be left alone with nothing to show for your efforts upon your sister's behalf? I wonder…would you do anything differently if you knew that this was the inevitable result of your work. That despite you best intentions the only one you love would abandon you because of the very actions that allowed her to have a future."

"How did you find Oriana?"

"I helped him." the voice froze Miranda as her only childhood friend appeared.

Rage coursed through her at the betrayal leaving only emptiness behind as Miranda raised her gun and repeatedly fired into the head of her spectral friend. Struggling to compose herself she turned to her father,

"Father, what did you do?"

"Nothing you haven't done yourself Miri."

A/N: Shouldn't be too hard but if someone can guess the significance behind 1347 Kaffa Ward and the designator H1526 put it in your review with a request for a character to appear in the next chapter and I'll see what I can do.