Disclaimer: The SGA-characters are not mine, but you already know that.
Warnings: Death!fic.
Spoilers: This story takes place after Sunday.
Beta: Silverstarlight
Failure.
Rodney
knows what they say about him, knows what they whisper as he passes
them.
He sees the accusation in their eyes as he looks at them. He
wishes he could say something snarky to silence them, to wipe that
look from their faces, but he can't. Not after what's happened.
They trusted him and he failed them. Again.
And this time they lost more then 5/6 of an uninhabited solar system. This time they lost John.
Ronon, Teyla, Radek and Elizabeth all try to talk to him. They say it wasn't his fault, that there wasn't anything he could have done. Just like there wasn't anything he could have done to prevent Carson's death. But he knows they don't mean it. He knows what they really think.
They make him talk to Heightmeyer, but there is nothing to talk about. He hacks her files and reads that she's worried he may kill himself.
'Amateur', he thinks.
Sometimes, he wishes he could kill himself. End it all and escape the accusing glances and the emptiness in his soul, but he knows he can't. Because despite what has happened, he's still the smartest man in 2 galaxies. Atlantis still needs him. They still need him to come up with answers, to fix things, and he can't let them down again.
He works late in the lab until Radek kicks him out.
"Get some sleep. Rest", he says. "You won't be any good to us like this".
Rodney
wants to say that if he could sleep he would, that he thinks he will
never sleep again.
But then Radek will want to talk about why and
Rodney can't face that. So he leaves the lab and goes to his
quarters. It's easier that way.
And after he climbs into bed, he tosses and turns and waits for sleep that he knows won't come.
The End.