What Could've Been
By The Rose of the Abyssinian
For LadyKisaesilexis823
If I could, I would've cried that instant.
But if I did, my tears wouldn't have been of frustration at Kurosaki, or rage at you, but they would've been tears of fear, for you. I had been extremely worried, yet nonetheless I kept my faith, my hopes up. At least, I tried to; I would've run away if Watari and Kurosaki weren't there. I had been that afraid, that worried. And all of that, for you. I would never be man enough to admit it in front of your face, but it's actually the best I can do to admit it to myself first. I am quite the coward, aren't I, being able to admit it to myself, but not to you. I feel, all in all, pathetic.
If I could, I would've actually thought everything out.
But there were so many things that could've been, if Kurosaki hadn't shown, proclaimed his affection for you, right? The boy is full of strength, I must admit, to go into Touda's flames, just to risk his life, so to speak, for you. I'm quite the jealous man; Kurosaki has his own courage, one trait I'll never obtain. There were so many things that could've been, as well, if you hadn't done such an idiotic thing, trying to end your life in such a ridiculous way. And there were also so many things that could've been, if Watari hadn't helped me make up my mind as to whether I should or shouldn't save you and Kurosaki from that horrendous fire. I'm such the idiot I even need Watari to make these decisions for me.
If I didn't, you and Kurosaki would have died…
…and I would have lost you. But then, Tsuzuki…I could never lose you. You and I didn't belong to each other in the first place. Isn't that correct? I worried myself over selfish nothings that I knew could never be fulfilled, since we would never be together, but I wanted you, so bad, and that was the only reason I did call up on my shadows to save you and Kurosaki. If it were depending on me, however, I wouldn't have saved Kurosaki. I would have left him in the flames of Touda to die; but you wouldn't be happy, and I can't ever bring myself to look upon your teary face evermore.
If I didn't, you would have died…
…and everyone would kill me, would blame me for everything. So all in all, I merely did it to save myself. That, in itself, is selfishness in motion, but if I'd ever confess that to you, I'd rather die a thousand times over than to have you hate me. I'd sew my mouth shut if I had to, but that wouldn't do well, either; the boy is a master of empathy, he would see right through everything.
How I hate this life of mine.
If you didn't, then I couldn't have done what I did.
If you did, then I would've done whatever I could to end my own so-called empty-shelled life.
If I didn't, everything would've crumbled.
If I did, everything would've been balanced—as they are now.
If you and I both did and didn't, everything would be thrown into the strange games we play around each other.
There are so many things that could've been, if everything else had turned out their oppositions.
But it was as if you were the most precious thing of my life that escapes through my grasp, just as a sigh escapes one's mouth; I never understood the way 'Fate' and 'Destiny' work, and I never think I will, understand that.
Now do you understand what could've been if we didn't do the things we did, however crazy they might seem? I was never one to dwell much on 'Fate' and 'Destiny,' but I might become one soon if these things keep revolving around us and everyone around us. It's almost unbearable.
Now do you understand what could've been…if I never loved you, Tsuzuki?
- What Could've Been/END -
This was a little awkward piece for me, since I never really concentrate on a character's certain feelings at one thing, as if s/he is obsessed with it, but LadyKisaesilexis823 forced me to look within my writing experiences, and requested (more like challenged) me to write this. I'm pretty thankful that she did, too.