Lazarus

Anyone who's ever had a heart

Wouldn't turn around and break it

And anyone who's ever played a part

Couldn't turn around and hate it

- Cowboy Junkies, "Sweet Jane"

After some time he spotted what he'd been looking for, and weaving carefully across the crowded room, moved to lean on the wall alongside, wineglass in one hand.

"Hey."

"Hello."

"How's it going now?"

"Better. And you?"

"Not so bad."

A pause.

"...Listen, I wanted to.."

"To what?"

"Apologise. To apologise. I really wanted to - before you left - "

"Why?"

"Just...to say I'm sorry, I was - I mean, I know...I'm sorry I was so harsh. I thought - "

"What did you think?"

"I guess it just looked to me, it looked a lot like...like you were just being lazy. But I mean, I know it was - look, I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For - you know - I'm sorry that I yelled at you, and said - said whatever it was I said, mean things. That wasn't necessary. I'm sorry."

Another pause.

"Why did you feel you had to apologise for that?"

"...Well - I - "

"What?"

"I heard - my brother and his friends thought, and I agree - maybe you, and the others, you all felt, I don't know. Used. I'm sorry for that."

"Used?"

"Yeah. I mean, it made - do you?"

"Why would we feel used, Hiro?"

"Because - because you - look, you know why, right? It was just, with the whole thing - "

"Do you feel used?"

"I - me? No, I...no, why would I?"

"Because if you think about it, most of them were using you at least as much as you were using them."

"What? I don't follow. What're you...?"

"Think, Hiro. Come on. Think about it. Do you suppose Gar cares who you are, so long as he got his professional niche?"

"I think he - "

"Wait, wait. Mimi and Mystel. As far as they're concerned, you were a free ticket to the centre of attention, they got what they wanted, right? And Moses - "

"I don't - "

"Why would it matter to him who's getting him above the poverty line and his sister into a decent clinic? I can't see that it would. Do you follow? Hiro?"

"...No, I don't think I - well, you're - I suppose you...you..."

"I what?"

"What - according to your theory - "

"Perceptive Equity Principle."

" - According to that, what did you - what're you.."

"Nothing."

"You can't be serious."

"I'm here, coach, because I have nothing better to do. I'd have thought that much would be apparent to you."

"...To me? Why would it be apparent to me? How do I know?"

"Well, you were always telling me off for wandering about like I had nothing better to do. I thought the penny might have dropped."

"Are you - I mean, are you feeling alright?"

"About how I usually feel. Why?"

"Which is how?"

"Like I have nothing better to do."

"Tch - stop that. Please. Do you want me to go and find Gar, or someone?"

"You can if you like, but I wasn't finished talking to you."

"Ah...why?"

"I want to know why you thought I was here."

"I - because, you...I don't know, I suppose...because - "

"It's not very equitable."

" - What?"

"It's not very equitable. You had a lot more reason for being here than me. Just about everyone did, actually."

"I - what're you talking about...?"

"Inequitable usage, Hiro. Does the team feel used? I'm the only one that you were actually using exclusively, so I should answer the question. But first, you should tell me why you thought we ought to feel used."

"Why would you - I - "

"It's because you felt bad, Hiro, it's because you thought you were using all of us, just you, and nobody was taking anything back. So you felt bad, so you came to apologise for, oh, "whatever it was I said", which was really nothing to do with me at all. You just said sorry. Because you felt guilty and wanted to make it stop, not out of any concern or heated moral dilemma. You felt bad."

"...I - why would I do that? You think I'm not - that I don't - "

"Precisely. I think you're not sorry and you don't mean it, apart from being sorry that you feel bad because you thought you were working a very clever one-way system."

"So, what - why would I do that? Why would you say I - "

"It's very difficult to keep that kind of thing hidden when you don't think anyone's looking. Isn't it?"

"I - don't suppose I'd know. I'm going to find Garland, how can you - "

"Wait, you want to know how?"

"I don't want to know anything, look, you need to - "

"You want to know how I can say these things?"

"What? I, okay, why - how. How can you? I really do want to know that, actually. How can you speak like this to me, I didn't, after I..."

"You really want to know?"

"Yes, I think I do now."

"...I don't think I could tell you."

"What?"

"I can just - ask you to imagine, to suppose, to suppose - "

"To suppose what?"

"To guess how desperate you would have to be, to get on a flight out of the country with the first random stranger who says come on, I know where there're people like you. Guess."

Sudden eye contact, with which he halted, totally still, and stared. For a long time or certainly what seemed like one, neither said anything. The hum of conversation carried on in orbit of a blank white plane of silence.

"...I - "

"He was lying about that. Obviously."

"Oh, fuck."

"Look, you know what?"

"Fuck, I - I really - "

"If you ever get that way, you can phone me. Then we'll talk about it. When you get that way, I mean."

"No, I really..."

"Anyway, I'll see you sooner or later. Did you ever read, there was a story about Lazarus, about what happened after...?"

"I - fuck, I really am s - "

"You should read it, it'll help you maybe."

"I'm - "

"Bye."

"I'm really sorry."

Weeell now. feather-duster must stop writing these things where everyone's really horrible. Especially Brooklyn, cause feather-duster loves him very much. She must also stop imitating David Mamet, no matter how fun it may be. (Anyone who's read/studied/seen "Oleanna" may recognise it in this, or not. Attention that only Hiro's speech seems more unplanned, hopefully. Hee hee.) Minimal description is very very intentional. This is something feather-duster has had on her mind for some time and which only got written the other day. Though to be fair, feather-duster has had BEGA on the brain for quite a while now and can't find a cure - antibiotics don't work, reader(s). Anyhoo, other fictions will be written soon...yeees, very soon...cue shifty eyes. The story about Lazarus does exist and is very good/odd - link will appear if one can be found. Otherwise, uh...try Google? Heh heh.

Review and I love you!

PS Sweet Jane rocks muchly.

PPS Perceptive Equity Principle, erm...sort of exists. It's the idea of equality in a relationship; it doesn't have to be true, the people in the relationship just have to think it is for it to work. The term "Perceptive Equity Principle", though, isn't commonly used - he must've made up or coined that part...heh.