Hardcore SSX (a.k.a the Eddie and Viggo Show)
There are precious few stories based in the world of SSX ON TOUR… which makes sense, since there isn't much character development in that game. I decided to import some characters from the outside: Eddie "The Kid" Wachowski and Viggo Rollig.
Since I hope to present this as a drama about two would be announcers, the format will be highly unconventional. The prelude will be structured under a narrative prose format, while TV show segments will be written like a play. Just to make things even more confusing, the TV segments include their own mini-segments. I thought it would be a good way to split up the TV segments from the off-camera segments. Send me feedback if this works. If it doesn't, I'll switch my style in the future.
Also, despite the title, this piece really is rated T, for some really gentle double entendres. Sorry, lemon fans.
PRELUDE
DANGER: WACHOWSKI
Eddie Wachowski slumped in an awkward position on his poylester zebra-striped couch. His left hand clutched a bottle of sangria, while his right hand was somehow stuck in a can of Cool Ranch Pringles. His lime green lava lamp eerily lit the wood-paneled room.
He was barely aware of the movie he was watching on the flat screen. What was this? It was something from the sixties, and it had some sort of spy guy in black duds and a black ski mask. He seemed to be climbing a castle wall, although it was brutally obvious that it was one of those effects where the character was walking upright and the camera was tilted sideways.
With the speakers were on at full volume, he didn't hear the knock on the door, nor did he hear Viggo Rollig letting himself in.
"'Danger: Diabolique,' huh?" Viggo said, watching the screen. "Cool." He turned his attention to Eddie. "Man, you look horrible."
"Cripes, man, what do you expect?" Eddie said. "They kept us off the tour roster to make room for a bunch of nobodies. NOBODIES!" The bottle slipped from Eddie's hand as he tried to get his hand out of the Pringles can. Viggo caught it before it hit the floor. "And what are you smiling about, Rollig? Your pink slip was in the mail when then picked up Sid as resident Eurotrash."
"Because I'm going to be on TV, Eddie," Viggo said, beaming. He handed Eddie an envelope. "Check it out, 'fro boy. Yours truly has just secured a contract with a major cable company to do a ten-minute show about the SSX circuit. I guess not everybody is blind to my incredible star appeal."
Eddie sat up straight. "No way! ESPN?"
"Um, a level lower."
"ESPN2? OLN?" Eddie began opening the envelope.
"Well, it's not really a sports network..."
"MTV2, then? Or..." Eddie's eyes widened as he unfolded the paper and spotted the letterhead. "...what the hell? Bravo Network? Don't they do artsy-fartsy stuff?"
"They're going to debut a new movie format called 'Sports Movies for the Soul,'" explained Viggo. "It's a bit like 'Dinner and a Movie' on TBS, but with a sports twist."
Eddie stifled a laugh. "'Sport Movies for the Soul,' huh?"
"It's like this: Bravo plays a sports themed movie on Friday night. At the hour mark, we go on the air live from an SSX venue. EA Sports thinks it's a great way to expose new audiences to boardercross. Bravo demanded, though, that the show focus is on human interest. You know, like the whole Mac-Kaori-Sid love triangle. Nate's relationship with his younger brother. Whether there's some sort of romance blooming between the North West Legend and the Far East Myth. Touchy feely stuff."
"Uh-huh."
"It… could have been worse. I actually got an offer from Lifetime Network. With the Winter Olympics coming up, they thought it would be excellent counter-programming to the figure-skating reality show they're playing on Oxygen Network."
Eddie guffawed. "Well, Viggo, old buddy, I can't think of a better guy to queer eye the SSX. Best of luck to ya." Suddenly, Eddie noticed a second, unsigned contract sheet. "Wait a minute. You named me as co-host?"
"No," Viggo said, "the producers did. I suggested Allegra, but she was one of the lucky ones selected to do the tour. Some marketing bigwig remembered you from the promo posters you did years ago and tossed off something about how afros equal ratings. Anyway, I told them that I'd see if I could dig you up. So what do you think?"
"Aw, hell," said Eddie, running his hand through his mighty orange afro. "I guess it beats moping around the apartment all day. And that's one heck of a fine payday," he added after checking over the pay and compensation. "I'm game, Rollig."
"Alright! We got three months before the new season starts. We'll need to recruit a crew, put together a budget, and... is this non-alcoholic sangria?" Viggo asked after noticing the bottle label. "Who the hell gets drunk on non-alcoholic sangria?"
"Bite me, goatboy. The fumes get me plenty drunk, OK? Anyway, what's the show called?"
"You are going to love this," Viggo said, stretching his arms dramatically. We're calling it.."
HARDCORE SSX
(Fatboy Slim's "Weapon of Choice" plays through the intro. The SSC logo explodes, and a montage of doodles, including Nigel pulling a mad 360, flash on the screen. After thirty seconds, a yeti walks across the screen. This wipes to a live feed of an announcer booth at the beginning of the Son of a Birch racetrack.)
(EDDIE and VIGGO are seated at a mahogany table adorned with SSX On Tour doodles. Both are wearing headsets.)
(EDDIE is wearing his favorite Hawaiian shirt, a yellow number adorned with pictures of handguns and faces of John Shaft. VIGGO is sporting his trademark style: zipped-down green fur lined coat with a brown brimmed fedora. As the camera zooms in, VIGGO is flipping through what seems to be a comic book.)
EDDIE: Hootie hoo, everybody! Welcome to a new season of SSX! I am your host with the most, Eddie "The Kid" Wachowski, and joining me in the booth is the Doctor of Style, Viggo Rollig.
VIGGO: (looking up from magazine) 'sup.
EDDIE: So, Viggo, what's that you got there?
VIGGO: It's some limited edition trade paperback of the anime-style drawings Adam Warren did of us a few years back.
EDDIE: Are you serious? Sweeeeet! (Eddie grabs the magazine.) I'm not in here! Where's the love?
VIGGO: It's probably for the better, Eddie. I'm not one hundred percent happy with how Mr. Warren drew me.
EDDIE: (laughs) Holy schnike! Nice manboobs, Rollig.
VIGGO: Tonight, an expose one one of the most asked questions about this year's tour. A mystery so chilling that it makes hairdressers cower in fear. Tonight, we bring you...
EDDIE: I mean, was it cold outside when you posed for this picture or...
VIGGO: losing it Aaaaahh! Shut up shut up shut up! (composes himself) Tonight, we bring you the first episode of "Hardcore SSX." This year, we've upped the ante by introducing two sticks. That's right, peeps, SSX now has extreme skiing!
EDDIE: Pfff. Whatever. When are they introducing extreme luge? I would totally own in that. Oh, and don't say "peeps." Only losers say "peeps."
VIGGO: Um, right. Let's take a look at this year's inaugural event: an amateur class Back-to-Back race at Son of a Birch. Our first winner is … reads name on paper … um, T-Bird? Is that his real name?
(VIGGO looks to EDDIE for help, but EDDIE just shrugs his shoulders)
VIGGO: Well, um, let's briefly join our winner at the post-race interview.
(Camera switches to medal stand. T-BIRD does a celebratory dance, then raises his hands with his pinky and middle fingers extended.)
T-BIRD: I rule! Whooooo!
(Camera switches back to VIGGO and EDDIE.)
EDDIE: You sure do, loser. C'mon, man, you can come up with something better than "I rule." I mean, what do you rule… the Total Dork Kingdom?
VIGGO: Can't agree with you more, Wachowski. Back in the day, I had a victory dance that was frikkin' unbelievable. Here I'll show you….
EDDIE: (panicking) No, wait, don't…
VIGGO: No, really! Let's see how our audience let's see if the viewers can stand the mojo of the Viggo Shuffle!
(Viggo jumps on the table, and begins to prance and gallop like a horse.)
EDDIE: Aggghh! I told you never to do that again!
(EDDIE tackles VIGGO, and the screen goes blank. Soon, it shows a picture of Mac with a thumbs up sign and the message "HARDCORE SSX IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.")
(Bravo takes a commercial break. We see ads for the new season of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," its spin-off "Lesbian Picks for the Straight Chicks," the Toyota Tundra, and the new straight-to-DVD "Body Motions 4: Attorney at Love" starring Elise Riggs.)
(We return to "Hardcore SSX." VIGGO is sporting a shiner, and EDDIE's sunglasses are cracked and crooked.)
(A cute redhead passes by the booth and waves to VIGGO.)
REDHEAD: See you in the hot tub tonight, Viggie.
EDDIE: (after REDHEAD leaves.) God, how the hell do you do that?
VIGGO: Do what?
EDDIE: Never mind. (turns attention back to the camera) Welcome back to "Hardcore SSX," the creamy vanilla filling to the world of extreme winter sports! Now, pardner, I do believe you had a very special feature on the aspect that our viewers really care about: the veterans.
VIGGO: That's right, Wachowski. Tonight, I submit to you a story that is near and dear to our hearts. Now, Eddie, even you have to admit that, when it comes to hair, we are the epitome in style.
EDDIE: That's true.
VIGGO: Tonight, be prepared to witness a tale of hair gone wrong. We call it….
PRETTY IN PINK: THE RISE AND FALL OF PSYMON STARK
(The screen flashes the story title with an inset of Psymon with his pink mowhawk style. An instrumental arrangement of "Pink" by Aerosmith plays in the background. The rest of the show progresses with photo stills and video clips as Viggo narrates.)
He once had it all together. The attitude: a theatrical daredevil with a high tolerance for pain. The twisted background: a life spent in a padded room at an insane asylum. The girl: fan favorite bad girl Zoe Payne. Psymon rocked up the charts and into our hearts.
(clip from Tricky)
KAORI: Oh, nooooo!
PSYMON: Ahhh ha ha ha! I KNOW you didn't mean that!
(end clip)
But most importantly, he had ... the hair. A tangled mess of gel-hardened spikes that buoyed his reputation as the harbinger of chaos. But now the spiked 'do has gone the way of the wooly mammoth. What is Psymon sporting nowadays? This ... a fluffy pink mohawk.
KAORI: I use to be terrify of Psymon. Now I want give him big hug. Such a teddy bear.
SKYE: You know, growing up in Australia and flipping through the boardercross mags, I thought Psymon was absolutely bonzer. I finally make it to the big show, and the boy is sporting something Boy George would be ashamed to sport. Crikey, mate! What happened to you? The 80's called and they want their mohawk back.
GRIFF: I"m not sure, but I think the mohawk helps him stay warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Like a Dimetrodon!
Word on the street is that Psymon altered his style to soften his image and attract mainstream sponsors. But why would a man, whose very character screamed of wild independence and non-conformity, even consider corporate sponsorship? Is Psymon a sell out? Attempts to interview Mr. Stark failed.
shaky film clip shows Viggo running toward Psymon, who is flanked on all sides by bodyguards dressed in ski patrol fatigues.
VIGGO: Mr. Stark! A word with you Mr. Stark! Hey, Psymon!
(two bodyguards shove Viggo into the snow)
VIGGO: Owwww… cut. CUT!
However, we were fortunate enough to meet with a close, personal friend of Mr. Stark, Zoe Payne. The two shared an on-again, off-again romance since Psymon Stark first hit the slopes on the Tricky tour. Here relationship has been strained recently, and "SSX on Your TV" confirms that, yes, it's because of the hair. However, Ms. Payne offered surprising insight into a turning point in Psymon Stark's life.
ZOE: Some time before the Big Mountain tour, Psymon was starting to become extremely erratic, even for me. A few of us were starting to get worried that he was going to snap and go on a mass murder rampage. Now, I know everyone thinks I'm a crazy chick, but even I draw the line at genocide. So I got a hold of a pharmacist friend of mine who happened to have the inside scoop on an experimental drug. Twenty times more potent than Prozac and Zoloft combined.
(The camera slowly pans down from ZOE's face toward her chest area.)
ZOE: The drug was far more potent than I predicted. The first thing I noticed was that Psymon's voice changed dramatically. I thought that would be all, but…. Well, one night I caught him reading "Little Women" by Louisa May Alcott. And crying! That was the last time I broke up with him. I can't help but feel more than a little bit responsible for Psymon's drastic change into uncoolness, but I feel it was for the better….
LUTHER (offscreen): Oh, yeah, mamma. Luther likes. Luther likes.
ZOE: What the ---? She notices where camera is pointed and covers her chest. Alright, buddy, YOU just bought yourself a world of hurt!
(Fist flies toward camera. LUTHER grunts. Screen goes to static.)
END SEGMENT.
(EDDIE and VIGGO stare blankly at the camera. After a couple of seconds pass, VIGGO talks.)
VIGGO: So… WHY did we put that guy on the payroll again?
EDDIE: Hey, Luther's not so bad once you get to know him. Sure, he smells like pork-and-beans and he's got the worst case of gas, but he does have an amateur movie studio set up in his trailer. From what I've seen, he's got top notch post-production gear.
VIGGO: Do I dare ask what kind of movies he makes in there?
LUTHER (offscreen): You wimps don't want to know.
EDDIE: (shivers) Well, folks, that's all we have for you tonight. Next week --- Hey, who's that over there? Why, none other than "SSX On Tour" mascot, Nigel! How's it going, man?
(A man in a large black-and-white NIGEL costume (the rock star character from the SSX ON TOUR intro) approaches the announcer's table.)
NIGEL: Zees is, how you say, quelle humiliating.
VIGGO: Is that you, JP? Oh, man... I am so sorry. (stifling a laugh.) Not!
EDDIE: Oh, burrrrrnnnn! Hi five, Viggo! (They do so.) Hey, "Nigel," do a dance for us.
VIGGO: Yeah, dance for us, Frenchie!
(JP (as NIGEL) shuffles his feet unenthusiastically.)
JP (as NIGEL): Mes amis, je vous détruirai un tout certain jour.
EDDIE: Did you hear that, folks? He says, "Best of luck to all the contestants on this year's tour!" Next week, we sit down with a genuine black diamond rock star, Mac Fraser, to find out he could let a cutie like Kaori get away.
VIGGO: You got that right.
EDDIE: Now we return you to "Bull Durham," only on Bravo's "Sports Movies for the Soul"! Until next time, ride on, young ronin. Ride on.