Title: Insomnia
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Gilmore Girls, Alexis Bledel, or Chad Michael Murray. I do not own the song "View from Heaven" by Yellowcard, nor do I own yellowcard. All I own is my twisted imagination, and a computer, and a desire to write.
Author's Note: I know this story is a bit odd but I was in a very odd mood when I wrote it. I like this song a lot, and it's a sad song, so I figured I couldn't do the song justice without making the fic sad. I don't think I've written to many very sad emotional fic's so please tell me what you think, I'd love to know if you hate it or not!
Thank You: Didi and Ash, thanks so much for quickly beta-ing my incoherent spelling and grammar, because I enjoy writing at midnight. Gracias ON WITH THE FIC!!!
Dear Tristan,
"I'm just so tired
Won't you sing me to sleep
And fly through my dreams
So I can hitch a ride with you tonight"
I can hear your voice in my ear, whispering softly. I lay awake at night, hoping for sleep to come and the realities of the harsh world to be whipped away for a few hours. Yet, my wishes aren't answered. So I lay here, and remember how on sleepless nights you used to sing me a lullaby, take me in your arms and we'd drift off to sleep, together.
"And get away from this place
Have a new name and face
I just ain't the same without you in my life"
That doesn't happen anymore, you're not there to sing me to sleep, or to hold me close and tell me everything will work out fine in the end. I wish I could run, run hard and fast and forever, so maybe when I get to that land far from here I won't feel the pain, or the loneliness. I could take on a new identity and not have to relive the sadness everyday.
"Late night drives, all alone in my car
I can't help but start
Singing lines from all our favorite songs"
I took a drive this morning, just as the sun was rising. I turned on the CD player and the burned mix CD came on. The one you gave me last Christmas, with every song from our relationship on it. Our first slow dance, our song, our wedding song, the song from our first date, the list it goes on and on and I softly sang along. I remember you used to sing at the top of your lungs to any song you knew on the radio and didn't care who heard you. How most of the time you were out of tune, but you didn't seem to care. You seemed to be so happy, always smiling, always smiling.
"And melodies in the air
Singin life just aint fair
Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone"
It's so odd, sitting here without you. It doesn't seem probable; we were supposed to be together forever. You promised me that, you promised, and you never went back on a promise. It was some kind of vow you had made to yourself, after years of broken promises that had hurt you. You vowed that you'd never break a promise to someone you loved; and you didn't...until now! Why, of all the promises you had to break did you pick this one? The radio plays softly in the background, it was your favorite song,
"And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven,
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here"
You told me you didn't believe in anything you couldn't see, you couldn't touch, you couldn't feel. That is until you met me, because you felt something for me that you couldn't see or touch. That day I was so happy, because I felt that I had reached a point where I had broken through your walls, and it was such an amazing feeling knowing that I had finally gotten through to you. Past your rough exterior to the man I came to love. I guess now I have to believe, in something I can't see, I can't feel, and I can't touch. I just have to believe, for my own sanity, because if I don't believe I don't think I can make it much longer baby.
"Feel your fire,
When it's cold in my heart
And things sorta start
Remindin' me of my last night with you"
It feels like there is a metal clap around my heart and lungs making it hard to breath sometimes. I haven't really been the same since then. That night seemed so normal, it seemed so everyday so ordinary, but baby, who could have known? If I did I wouldn't have left, I don't know how I could have left. Aren't women supposed to have some sort of sixth-sense about these things. Maybe I did too, I just didn't want to listen, didn't want to believe any of it was possible. Why of all weeks was my trip on that one. I'll never forgot the kiss you gave me as I boarded the plan, it was soft, and quick, yet meaningful, and loving all at once. I don't think I'll ever forget that feeling, I'll remember it to my dying day, whenever that maybe.
"I only need one more day
Just one more chance to say
I wish that I had gone up with you too"
Why couldn't I have stayed home, gotten the flu, broke a leg? Anything would have been sufficient yet none of it occurred. I left feeling perfectly well, leaving you at home feeling perfectly well, in your brand new mustang. The car you had been itching to get since I can remember. It was your baby, your pride your joy, you even named her. Jules, I never understood the concept of naming a car but it made you happy, and your happiness means the world to me. I was never into cars, it never mattered to me, as long as I could get from point A to point B with out it breaking down I was happy. That was never good enough for you, we always had to have the best, you always made sure I had the best. You were the best thing that happened to me, nothing is more important.
"And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here"
Did you know that at nights when I couldn't fall asleep, and you already had I would stay up and watch you sleep. As your chest rose and fell softly, evenly. I studied your face, inbranded it in my memory. Every freckle, every eyelash, and every defining feature I memorized. You looked so peaceful when you slept, like a little boy, without a care in the world. Sometimes I couldn't believe that I was with you. That you actually wanted to be with me, of all the girls you thought I was good enough for you. It was, and at times still is, such an odd concept. I still have trouble believing that any of this really did happened, that you were with me, and I was with you, and that it really was the best time of my entire life.
"You won't be comin' back
And I didn't get to say goodbye
I really wish I got to say goodbye"
I can't really imagine a life without you, it all seems so empty, so hollow. It doesn't seem fathomable. I don't want to believe that, if I could have any wish, is to see you waltz through that door like you did every night, smirk in place. Kick off your shoes, come over and kiss me hello. That's all I really want, that simple, I don't care where we live, it could be on the street for all I care, as long as you were there to kiss me hello, and sing me to sleep. But your not, you're really not.
"And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year"
Belief is like the wind, you can't see it but you know its there. Sometimes I'm scared to believe, but right now I'm more scared not to, because if I don't believe, then baby, you really are gone. I won't let that happen. No matter what, I won't let that happen. Do you remember our first winter together, when I kept insisting it would snow that day and you didn't believe me. No matter how much I insisted it would, you claimed that the weather would stay just warm enough to keep the snowflakes in liquid form. Then at 1 in the morning the heavens opened up and it was like heaven on earth, the little snow flakes coming down form the sky making our home look like it was a snow globe. We spent that night watching the snowfall, and that morning we made snow angels. You promised me that you'd never doubt me again.
"I hope that all is well in heaven
"Cause its all shot to hell down here
I hope that I find you in heaven
"Cause I'm so...
Lost without you down here"
Sometimes I get out of bed and walk around town, looking at all our favorite spots. Memories flooding back, little details that I hadn't thought of until that moment, nothing to fancy, just how blue your eyes looked in the sun light. How you used to laugh as I hung onto the grocery cart as I rode it down to our car. Little things that had little to no importance are the ones that I miss the most. Sometimes people stop me on the street and ask me if I'm lost, and I just smile at them sadly and tell them "you're only lost, when your looking to be found". It's true I get lost in the past, in the memories that haunt me, I don't want to be found though, I want to go back and stay in the past forever. Never leaving it, never forgetting it, always with you.
"You won't be coming back
And I didn't get to say goodbye
I really wish I got to say goodbye"
The night I got the phone call was the worst night of my life. The night they told me that you were gone. I couldn't believe it; it wasn't possible, I had just talked to you hours earlier, you seemed fine. We laughed and made plans for when I'd get back. You told me you had to get ready, you were going to meet some friends. I guess you never met them, I guess you were thinking of the great times you were going to have. To involved in thought to pay attention to the road in front of you. I don't blame you though, no one does. Times like these, it's hard to find were the blame lies, maybe, just maybe it doesn't lie anywhere. What happened, happened and we can't change it, as much as we hope, pray, and wish.
I know this letter maybe a little hard to read, sometimes you can't control where your tears fall. It's hard, it's like a final goodbye, yet its not. You never ended your conversations with "goodbye" you said it sounded to formal you always said "See ya" because then you know that you'd see that person again, that you'd have the chance to talk to them face to face. No matter what, you'd always say "I love you" before you hung up as well, because you said you never knew what might happen and you didn't want to take any chances. I'm glad you didn't take those chances, but I'm sure even if we didn't say it, we both knew it. I always have, and I always will.
Our song is on, I think I'm going to try to get some sleep, pretend your singing to me, not some voice on the radio. I love you Tristan.
See ya, -Rory-
She sealed the letter in an envelope and wrote "Tristan DuGrey" on the front. She then took the letter and threw it in the fire place watched as the letter shrunk it to ashes and the smoke rose from the chimney and to the heavens. She'd have to believe that Tristan would get it in heaven. She had no other choice.
A/N So there you have it, something I wrote to relax after lots of school work. I would REALLY like to know what you all thought of this. And I know I need to update my other fics, school is out in 2 weeks, and as soon as finals are over I'll get right on it. R&R
- XoXo Sasha